Switch Hitting

It seems like I'm always caught between two or three different projects. It doesn't seem that unusual to me, but when I see others are juggling, I observe in awe. My friend Brian has a lot of shit going on, like four or five different writing projects at once. And a full-time job. We were at a play reading together a couple of weeks ago and he told me everything he was up to. I just stared at him. My mind was blown. I was completely overwhelmed. I was impressed. Then his wife reminded me a few days later, "Uh, isn't that what you do? I read your Facebook posts."

I guess that's true. I have no short term memory when it comes to what I'm working on. I wrote 47 pages for the new play last week. I think it's good that I don't think about it. If I sat down and said, I'm going to write ______ pages this week I think I would be so intimidated that I would never do it. And frankly, I'm more distracted by my insecurity to realize how productive I am being. In a perfect world, I guess I would like to feel accomplished and together at all times. I would love to be 165 pounds with less than 12 percent body fat. I would love to feel successful and rich and known.

That's the way I feel when I'm writing and it's going well. My dick is an impressive, but not ridiculous 7.5 inches. I'm a few inches taller. My chest sticks out. Nothing hurts or aches. I can run a 7 minute mile without breaking a sweat. I've got a lovely singing voice. Actually, I'm a belter.

When I'm writing, I am successful. But maybe I am so distracted by my needless worry that I don't realize that I am successful often.

This week, I am switching back to working on this pilot I have been steadily working on for several months. Here's a perfect example. I am worried that I haven't finished a draft that I can show to someone who could hire me. But I wrote a solid, yet unremarkable draft in a month (really two drafts). And over the past several months, I have been working on the courage to write the big, melodramatic, over-the-top version that I'm longing to write. Much of those months have been spent trying not to judge myself. And in that time, I have written four drafts. Writing is not instantaneous. It's not perfect the first time out. Not for me or for most of the writers I know.

Next week, I get to the process of cutting the play I have been working on since February. I'm at 178 pages and counting. I can't call myself lazy. I'm writing. A lot. And most of it is focused. Even though I am still drafting something that feels good, I have done a lot of great work. I have written hundreds of pages just for this pilot alone.

When I trained for the marathon, I ran over 500 miles to just run the final marathon of 26.2 miles. And that final run was difficult. Yet, I was able to finish because I had trained. In some ways, writing is getting easier. Maybe easier is the wrong word. It is becoming more routine. It's becoming less strange. It's becoming less intimidating in some ways. At this point, I know what I'm doing. Any anxiety created around sitting down to write or finishing a script has everything to do with me and my own fabricated worry than it has with actual ability. I am able to write. When I ran the marathon, I had equipped myself to run 26.2 miles. I have equipped myself to write. When I started, even if I wanted to write a screenplay or a full length play or a pilot script, I was unable to because I didn't know how. It was difficult because I had to learn how to do it.

I have to remind myself that while it might take effort, I know how to do this. But I'm not going to discount my fear or my worry. I can't get rid of it completely. It's what keeps me on my toes and prevents me from getting too comfortable. That's good.

After I get a good second working draft of the play done, I am going to have it read. That's in about three weeks from now. I met with my dramaturg yesterday and she agreed that I was in a good place. I have been hitting my head against a wall about one character's story and she told me to put it aside for a moment. She's absolutely right. I was getting frustrated with myself. Sometimes it's just best to move on and do something else.

Once we have the play read next month, I'm going to have to take time away from that script. I have a spec script I'm thinking about writing to apply to some of these writing fellowships. I hope that the pilot is done by then and that I can focus all of my time on this spec. Then the play will come around again and we'll have to workshop it. I guess I am nimbly able to switch back and forth. When I do it it doesn't seem that intimidating. That's probably exactly how my friend Brian feels. He's just in the work and doing what's in front of him.

I guess that's all any of us can do. One foot in front of the other.

I am grateful for my iTunes library.
I am grateful for warm weather.
I am grateful that I get to see my niece and nephews in a week and a half.
I am grateful that I get to have fun.
I am grateful that I am not panicked.
I am grateful that my work is getting done on time.
I am grateful for people who reach out to help.