I used to be that guy who would tell people exactly what I thought they should do.
"That top looks hideous. Try a larger size."
"Chop those onions finer. And curl your fingers under when you're slicing….Just let me do it."
"Stop running. You hate it. Do you want to wake up in fifty years and regret all the things you didn't do because you were doing things you thought you should do? Eat a donut."
Okay. I'm still kind of that person. But I'm learning that I'm not the expert on everything. I had an experience today where I saw an old friend and I was thinking about writing something and she gave me a very definitive piece of advice. My first reaction was to say, "Uh, I know that. Remember, I used to work for--" But I stopped myself. My friend was just being generous and helpful. So I accepted the advice.
That made me think about the things I've said to people over the years, as if I had all the answers. I probably still tell my boyfriend all the things he should be doing for his career. I remember the six months when I stepped in to help produce the internet talk show he hosts. I had all of these ideas of what he could be doing better.
It's like what we say in writer's groups or what I say when I teach: No prescriptive notes. I don't allow students to give notes that tell a writer what they would do or how to fix an issue. But I'm kind of known for giving all sorts of prescriptive notes when it comes to people's lives. And some people ask for it and welcome it. But I hate being told what to do. And I'm sure that the people who I tell what to do probably hate it as well. Even though I give good advice. (Joking. Not really)
I am a bit of a know it all. But it comes from a good place of not wanting a friend to make a mistake I've made. My friend Carrie said to me a few months ago that you never really know what spiritual path someone is on and sometimes the choices they make are a part of that spiritual path. Ever since she said that to me (in regards to my boyfriend, where the lesson is most needed), I've backed off making declarative statements.
We all find our way eventually. And what's right for one person isn't right for everyone. The problem is I'm a fixer and I'm trying to ween myself off of that impulse.
I'm going to do some guest teaching tomorrow. It's the perfect time for that reminder. When I teach, I try to remember something my first playwriting professor told me when I was getting all bent out of shape because I wasn't an amazing playwright at age 20. He told me that I can't worry about being Eugene O'Neill at 50, but I need to be the best me I can be now. My students have limited experiences because they are young. Yet, there are experiences they have that need to be valued. One of my favorite genres to read from college students is the stoner play. I love a well-written, authentic stoner play. Frankly, at their age, that's an experience they can speak about. But with the stoner play, you've got to think about one thing (as Mike Nichols used to say):
If this were real life, what would actually happen?
Speak to the reality of the situation. In a zombie apocalypse, in a three way, in a boardroom, on the field. Even if the situation you're writing is ridiculous and over the top, you have to ground it in what would actually happen. Otherwise, it's just ridiculous.
I love having a community of fellow artists. I love having a group of people who I respect and who are intelligent and thoughtful. I love having a group of friends that have my back. The support is imperative for survival. I can get passionate when I see someone doing something and I think they can do it better. Ultimately, it's none of my business and everyone has to figure out their own thing in their own time in their own way.
Hey, it's something I'm working on. And having been a professor, I think I'm learning that lesson faster than I would have otherwise.
I am grateful for good advice.
I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful for teaching opportunities.
I am grateful for knowing what I want.
I am grateful for clarity.
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