The Rocket Ship

My friend Susan talks about the Rocket Ship. You know the one. That ship that's waiting to take us into the stratosphere, the place beyond the stars that we've been dreaming of our whole lives. The place where our dreams are actualized and where we can become the full realization of ourselves. But in order for that rocket ship to take off, it needs to have a clear launching pad free of clutter. If it doesn't have a place to take off, it can't take us to the places we need to go.

This week my launching pad got a major clean up. The relationship that occupied so much of my time and that was so rife with struggle and love and devotion and challenges ended. I didn't know this rocket ship was waiting to take off. I don't know how long it has been waiting to take off. I might not have even known there was a launching pad. But once the clutter was cleared away, there it was…waiting. It looks so beautiful there waiting for me, waiting for the rocket ship to be brought to it. Waiting for me to climb in that rocket ship and take off. I have to be careful and remember that now once it's cleared, I don't need to clutter it with anything.

My whole life I have believed that I am nothing without someone there to support me and hold me up. I have always believed that I needed someone else to go before me and forge the road ahead. I didn't have confidence that I could be leading the pack. Last year, I learned some things about myself. I learned that I can have a voice and speak up and stand up for what I believe in when it comes to my work and I won't be punished or reprimanded for it. I'll actually be rewarded. I can't be the leader, the head, the show runner, the producer I want to be without that information. I learned to trust my instinct. I learned that I can stand alone. I can't be the human being, the leader, the forecaster, the friend I want to be without that information. I can't be the person I am meant to be without that information and last year I got that information. I can act on that information.

I can be the only passenger in that rocket ship. I can visit other travelers and come together. I can be in community with them. But I don't need them to propel that rocket ship. I don't mean that in a selfish, egotistical way. I mean that in the way that I am enough. It's hard to know that. It's hard to believe that on a consistent basis. I struggle with that constantly. But that's the information I finally understood last year.

I have worked hard for a long time. I have been dedicated to my craft and excited by it for a long time. Two years ago, I embarked on a journey. I decided to just sit down and write. I would always sit down and write, but sitting down and writing meant something different after my Dad died. This was the first time I was able to write about death. I had an idea about a play about someone surviving someone's death. So I wrote. And then at the end of that period where I vomited out a 119 page draft of an overlong, overwrought play, I had an idea for something I wanted to write and I wrote that the next month. Then the energy of that propelled me forward into a month where I had to rewrite the pilot and the play and write something new. I kept going after challenge after challenge, mainly finishing early drafts of each project. Eventually, that work led to an office. At the end of that year, I wrote five scripts and about 1000 pages. I called that the year of Productivity. I churned stuff out at a quick pace.

The following year, I had one big project take up most of the year from January to September. There I learned what it takes to really hone something down and how to be relentless. I don't think I've ever worked on something that consistently for nine months straight. Even when I wanted to stop, I couldn't stop. I worked on one thing most of that year and really learned the craft of honing and refining. By the time September came around, I knew I had to work on something else to feel productive. I wrote a new pilot. Then I rewrote another pilot and now that pilot is done. I ended the year with three scripts done, a fourth in the works, and 2000 pages written. Last year felt like a year where my productivity few into refinement. Those are the two scripts I'm now sending out to people. But the scripts really felt like a result of the work that I had been doing on a creative level. That process was really about me standing on my own. And the pilot made me feel like I could write something sharp and fun and hit the notes I needed to hit.

I didn't know that standing on my own in my work would lead me to standing on my own in my life. And that confidence needs to carry me through this next phase. I've accelerated the pace with this year, The Year of Challenges, with a new challenge every month. It feels like even though I didn't know it, I am preparing for the rocket ship to take off. Now with my new single status, I see that my trust in myself has led me here. And that this is exactly where I need to be. Now that I have been able to stand up for myself in my work, I need to stand up for myself in my life. The next challenge will be to choose new work partners to engage with. And I have to be just as strong to go with my instinct and to not go with someone unless I truly believe in them. Everything that has come before has prepared me for that. And that's the only way the rocket ship will be clear for take off.

I am grateful for all the knowledge.
I am grateful for the ability to connect the dots.
I am grateful for the cleansing experience I'm having with my month of sobriety.
I am grateful for the clarity I'm having.