Open Your Heart

I've got to get better at visualizing and setting intentions. A friend gave me a book called Into the Magic Shop by James Doty that explained how to visualize. It's different than "The Secret", which is just about manifesting money and wealth without taking into consideration that someone has to have an open heart in order to do that.

I've seen in my own life that I can manifest things if I want them. But I always want to be mindful of what I'm asking for. In the book, Doty explains that if you're not setting an intention with a pure heart, then it poisons the intention. You might get what you ask for, but it might not be the thing you should be asking for.

I realize that I've been working hard and I have a certain awareness in which I live my life. But visualization has always been hard for me. The question of "What Do You Want?" has always been difficult for me to answer. I could work, but I couldn't see it. Sure, there are things I've manifested and that I have brought into existence. But this deliberate visualizing has been difficult for me. I've often dismissed it too. And I dismissed this book when I started reading it. A good friend gave it to me as a gift for helping her through a hard time. I read the first 60 or so pages and I wasn't connecting. I felt like I knew it all and I didn't take it very seriously.

Yesterday, I went to Laguna Beach to get some quiet time in. I set my towel down and pulled the book out of my bag, intending on finishing it so I could tell my friend I read it. But something happened. I got inspired. The book did its magic and I finished the book - part at the beach and the rest when I got home last night. The part that really struck with me was this notion that once you used meditation to settle your mind, you could then open your heart by offering compassion to people you might have difficulty with.

You see, I did that over four years ago. When my Dad was dying and I had to help take care of him, I could feel my heart break open because of the compassion that had grown for him. When you offer compassion to someone who you feel never had it for you, that means that your heart has opened up. And this exercise does that through slow, methodical repetition. So when I read in the book that the next step after your heart being open was to visualize the thing you want, I felt like I was ready.

It made me think of the progress I had made over the past several years. I thought about my compassion in action. Several weeks ago, I found out my ex boyfriend had moved on with someone new and they started dating suspiciously soon after we broke up. I had the feelings of anger and attachment to my resentment. But I found that very soon after I found out all of the details, I was able to let go of my anger by understanding that the Universe had given us both what we wanted separately at exactly the same time.  My career took off while his personal life took off. I couldn't be mad. That's compassion.

Not that I don't have residual frustration with the situation. But my true anger is gone. If this had been years ago, I would have held onto that resentment for a long time. I would have been very reactive. I have a friend who had a similar break up around the same time who is stuck in that anger. And even  that's a gift - deciding how to respond and how not to respond - and what that looks like. It's incredible to be in a spot where those things are not derailing me.

I know what I want for my life - and that it's not related to money. I've never been motivated by money. I've been motivated by experience. But money has an energy associated with it - this I learned years ago. It points to a focus. These consciousness-expanding experiences I want to have exist in a space where money creates these experiences. But for me, it's about the experience before it's about anything else. The outer validation is just a byproduct.

I'm still learning that. After I got staffed on the show and I was asked to join the theatre company, I had a moment where I had to stay grounded in my awareness that it was about the labor and the effort, not the fruits of that labor and effort. You get to a certain place of awareness and then that's thrown off when you start being swayed by the outside response. I'm focused on staying even - not getting too high when the good stuff happens and not getting too low when the hard stuff happens. That doesn't mean that I can't celebrate or mourn, but it means that I can't give into the ego. That ain't easy!

I am grateful for "Into the Magic Shop."
I am grateful for the gifts of friends.
I am grateful for the impact I have on people.

I seek clarity.
I seek the opportunity to manifest my ideas and turn them into television.
I seek the opportunity to employ friends.
I seek the opportunity to create a creative hub and home base.

Squad Goals

A friend and I were having a conversation the other day about big dreams. We're both writers and she asked me what my big goals were careerwise - which awards or accolades would I like to win. She had two specific high profile ones. And then she turned to me.

Sure, I've thought about winning some big award like an Oscar or a Tony or a Pulitzer. I believe in reaching for the stars and for setting high standards for oneself. But those kinds of accolades don't always have to do with how talented you are or how hard you worked that year or even if you were the best. I'm not saying I'm above it all. But that conversation was one in a series of a lot of great reminders lately to focus on the labor, not the fruit of my labors.

I get that it motivates people to have a goal like that. The goal is basically to do good work. But the underlying message is that you won't feel accomplished until that happens in your life time. It takes me back to this philosophy of not being so goal-oriented. That doesn't mean you don't have motivation or ambition. It means that setting a goal and not being happy unless and until you reach that goal sets one up for failure. Or an "I've failed" mentality.

Of course, I'd like to be acknowledged by my peers as an accomplished writer. I'm not saying I don't care about any of that. But that's not a goal I can set my sights on. I can do everything it takes to reach a goal like that. I can work every day. I can focus my life around work. I can be excited about the work I'm doing. That should get me to fulfillment and happiness - that's the target for me. Every day I sit down to write. I always get a lot done. Some days it doesn't look like it. But I always learn something every day. I always read or watch something that peaks me curiosity. And at some point that results in a new piece of work.

Yesterday, I re-typed my entire script for the play I'm rewriting. My goal wasn't to start the script rewrite. My goal was to re-type the script. It was also to get myself in the mindset of the play again. I hit the keys. I felt accomplished because all I was doing was re-typing. It had the exact physical sensation of being "on a roll." So as I'm re-typing I had some fixes for an area of the script. I re-wrote a scene between my lead character and his brother. Then I took some breaks and got back into it. I knew I had to fix the name of a character and I needed to turn the play from a two act play into a full-length one act. SO there were changes to be made in doing that. I got past that. Then I wrote something new. I wrote a new scene between the two brothers. That was terrific. I wrote some other stuff and was approaching the end. Then I realize that the end doesn't work. So I stopped. And now I need to rewrite a new end for the play. What am I going to write? I'm stuck!

Then I remembered -

This wasn't even supposed to be a rewrite! Once I released myself of the pressure of doing a rewrite, I did a rewrite.

Along those lines, I listened to the Nerdist podcast with Judd Apatow from earlier this year. He said that once he finished Freaks and Geeks, which only lasted 13 episodes, he realized that was the thing he always wanted to do and everything else after was gravy. It was still motivated and of quality, but he had nothing left to prove. So everything that has come afterward - which has various levels of quality, but it all shows an incredible amount of growth from Freaks and Geeks - has allowed him to be free because he did the thing he wanted. He took the pressure off himself. He also mentioned that the people who won the Oscar and felt like they had to write things that were "better" because they had an award, didn't produce much after that. But those who kept writing - who were invested in the labor rather than the fruit of that labor - were still prolific in their advanced years. That's the kind of writer I want to be. I want to be the guy who keeps growing. Does that mean I'll have a successful career? Yes. Does that mean I'll make a lot of money? That's hard to say. But it won't be because I'm not deserving or talented.

Going back to my friend's question, here's how I answered it (and this was before listening to the podcast):

My goal was always to have an artistic home. And I have that now. I have a theatre company that sought me out and wanted to work with me. This company, coincidentally, is somewhere I would have given my left nut to work with. But knowing that for every play I write, I will have a guaranteed reading. To know that I have a writer's group that will help me develop this play and work out my initial thoughts. To know that I can help cultivate a list of writers and that I have a base where I can support those writers. To know that I can start programming that supports things I want to do. To know that I can propose to do productions of my plays. This is all success. I have a place I can come to and be free.

Out of that freedom I can write things that matter to me. I no longer feel like I'm throwing things into a vacuum because I have a theatre that wants to hear my next play. That makes me feel less lonely. That keeps my skills sharp. That keeps me writing and risk taking and succeeding. And out of that labor will come fruits. Fruits I've wanted to taste. Fruits I've admired. Fruits I've never heard of before. Fruits I never thought it would be possible to taste. Instead of two things, I leave myself open for a lot more things to happen.

I'm happy every day to have a place to share my ideas and hopes. I'm happy I have co-conspirators who help actualize my vision. I'm happy to have co-conspirators to collaborate with and to help them actualize their vision. At the theatre, we've got a lot of great programming. I happened upon a theatre company that actually gets things done. I was with another friend who asked me to join another writer's group. But this theatre hasn't made any commitments to their writers for further workshops and readings of the full work. I was a part of another group last year that has been slow to commit to the writers of their almost year long development process to produce their works. The excuse I always hear is MONEY. And that's a real obstacle. But we're doing workshops. We're doing readings. We have a space to do our writer's group. We're doing it with limited resources and we're actually making it happen. That's an environment in which I can thrive. That's an environment that values me as a company member and wants to hear more from me. That's a place that supports me as an artist. And from that vantage point, I can do anything.

That's what I want. That's what I have. And the next steps from here are limitless.

I am grateful for a home base.

I am grateful for real action.

I am grateful for love in my life.

I am grateful for support.

I am grateful for honesty.

I am grateful for authenticity.

I Brake for Breaks

I'm horrible at taking breaks, as I may have mentioned here before. I'm horrible at trying to relax if I know I have work to do. I just got back from seeing my brother and his family in Portland. I came back refreshed and recharged.

The first part of the year was really busy in great and unexpected ways. I was on staff for about three months and I also wrote a new play, rewrote an old play for a staged reading, and I've been working on a TV project. I can be nothing but grateful for this year so far. Living in one's truth is a beautiful thing.

I got my hair they way I want it. I'm wearing the clothes I prefer. I listen to the music and watch the TV shows I want. My life is of my own making. And crafting that life and engaging in all of the blessings that the Universe has brought to me has made me tired. I didn't realize it. I was pushing through in May and June. Working at such a pace made me tired!

Okay, I just did my page count for the first six and a half months of the year. I'm at 835 pages so far. This year is proving to be as productive as the past two. When you're writing many drafts of scripts for a TV show, it's a lot of writing.

I know that I'll be writing more pages for my workshop this August. Plus, I've got a pilot I'm finishing. A new pilot I'm reworking. A ten minute play I'm writing. And possibly a new series of ten minute plays I'm writing based on something I did last year.  I'm hoping to work on some things with the intention of getting them produced. I'm excited about this new play. I'm excited to finish this pilot and about the next pilot. Sometimes I get so tired I forget to be excited about things I'm working on and I get caught up in how much work it all is. I"m trying to enjoy myself as much as I can.

The break was great. And  now I'm ready to get to work.

I am grateful for the time to work.
I am grateful for the resources to work.
I am grateful for incredible support from my theatre company and playwright friends.

Bad Behavior

I'm sitting at my brother's house in Portland watching David Steinberg's show on Showtime called "Inside Comedy" where he interviews comedians and comedic actors. I'm obsessed with interview shows. I guess I have been since I was a kid. Even now, when I'm bored I'll watch old Letterman interviews on You Tube. I loved Tom Snyder as a kid - I loved real conversations. And when I say "as a kid", I mean as a real young kid. I was a weird kid who loved listening to conversations when my parents went over to their friends' houses. I wasn't good with other kids. I liked being around the adults. And my parents never had anyone over to our place probably because my father was a slob and my mother was too frustrated to clean up. We lived in a bit of a pig sty. It got so bad that when my father was sick we had cockroaches. I worked that into a play I wrote about his death.

Anyway, I have always loved interviews. I listen to a lot of podcasts in my car. Right now I'm loving the Alec Baldwin "Here's the Thing" podcast, Elvis Mitchell's "The Treatment", Marc Meron's "WTF" (of course) and a lot of panel discussions. I love hearing Judd Apatow talk. I've done a lot of listening to Judd Apatow talk. I actually enjoy listening to him talk about his insecurities and how bad he is at everything and how he milks his life for material. I'm pausing an interview with Louis C.K. because the interview reminded me of something someone told me about Louis C.K. And it was a pretty disgusting story about how he likes to be humiliated (or did - maybe he has grown since the story). I'm watching this interview and thinking about this information and I think, "Who cares?"He's funny as fuck. Of course he's a cracked human being. He's doing all of this to feel better about himself. That's not news. The strange behaviors of creative people--especially comics--has been well-documented. I don't remember the friend who told me the story. But I love that he's a disgusting person. I love that he loves being yelled at. I love that he also puts his quirks on display in his show and in his act. It feels like his approach to life is that we all have smells and we all take shits and we all do things in private that are gross and shouldn't be shared. So why not share them?

I share this philosophy. Humiliating things have happened to me and I use them as material. I'm a gross person sometimes. I get my hair cut and I go to the gym and I buy nice clothes and speak well to cover that up. But I'm a pretty base-level dude. Even for a gay dude, I'm not always the most polished, well-behaved person. But who I am in my life seems very achievable. I'm a pretty normal person in terms of my level of flaws. Or maybe that's deceiving myself. I might be overwhelmingly flawed as opposed to other people. Or maybe I'm overwhelmingly good at exposing those flaws and not keeping those flaws a secret.

One of my closest friends is so good at embarrassing himself. He's just so damn good at it. He is so open to letting people have an opinion of him. It's like he's living his life if it were a gang bang. He's the party bottom cum receptor of his life. He wants some of everyone in him and on him. It worries me for him. But it also makes him incredibly endearing. And he's one of the most loveliest people and it's not pathetic, actually. It's really quite remarkable. It makes me uncomfortable sometimes. But maybe that's because of how open he is. And other than myself, he the person I know in my life who also exposes himself emotionally with great enthusiasm and deliberation. He kind of thrives on it.

That's just to make the point that we all have something fucked up about us that might be embarrassing to other people, but is just the way that we function. I was talking to my brother on this trip about running into someone the other day in Portland who almost hired me. I was up for this job at the big theatre in town a year ago. I had really reached a place in my life where NOTHING was happening careerwise. I didn't know what to do. I was working on a play I loved. I had an incredible community of friends around me. But I wasn't making a living as a writer and I didn't know where those prospects were coming from. So I applied to be the literary manager at this theatre.  I got so far that they flew me out to interview. Me and one other person. I didn't get the job. And then all of this career stuff happened. Not for six months. But it happened. And then I'm walking around town with my Mom, showing her the theatre I would have worked at. At that moment, this woman comes walking down the street on her way in. It's the woman who interviewed me and would have been my boss. I said hello to her. We engaged in polite conversation. Then I said that I was showing my Mom where I would have been working had she hired me.

In the retelling of this story to my brother, he said that I sounded desperate. I told him that I opened my mouth and that's what came out. It makes a great story. I don't care that I embarrassed myself. I don't care that she ran off right after I said that because I said that because IT MAKES A GREAT STORY. That's how I know I'm a whore--like my close friend--because I'll do anything for a great story. I love an embarrassing story. And I've told a bunch of them over the years. I think that maybe I'll write a book about all of my embarrassing stories. They're great stories. Maybe I'll be able to sell a book like that when I get some notoriety and someone would pay me to write a book about the embarrassing things that have happened to me.

Maybe I'm thinking about comedians and these embarrassing stories that fuel material because I'm enjoying writing things that are straight up funny again. Kathy Griffin says that she'll do "anything for the joke." Yeah, that sounds right. I'll make myself look like an asshole for a joke. Not that it's that hard. I just have to admit stuff.

I am grateful for the things I have to admit.
I am grateful for the love I have for myself.
I am grateful that I'm not embarrassed by much.

Old Stomping Grounds

I've been in Portland for a week. I'm here for three more days. It has been relaxing. I've been spending time with my niece and nephews, my brother and sister-in-law, and catching up with old friends. Portland always feels like a warm blanket when I'm here. It's much better on vacation than it would be to live here full-time, which I almost did last year. I love coming here and eating well. I love how easy it is to get around. I love how beautiful it is here--the tree-lined streets, the organic food, the great conversations with friends who have known me for a long time and are thrilled and supportive of the good things that have happened in the past few months.

Being here in Portland has made me realize how tired I've been. I'm not an automaton. I can't push and push and push without replenishing the well, although I think I can. I spend my days listening to music and reading articles and writing, trying to make sure that I'm taking in as much as I'm putting out. Sometimes a change of location can provide a fresh perspective or just a fresh approach.

I was having dinner on my first night in town with two of my closest friends in Portland, Jeff and Andrea. And they said it seemed like this trip to Portland was about me taking a break for nine days because things were about to get busy, according to this psychic. My first thought was, "No, I need to use this time to get work done." Then I decided to listen to them. I always think I'm being lazy if I take some time for myself. Whenever I finish a project, my first thought the next day is, "What have I done?" I was watching an interview with Judd Apatow yesterday, who expressed the same sentiment. So at least I know I'm in good company and not the only crazy person who thinks this way--constantly doubting himself and pushing forward anyway. Listen, Judd Apatow has made an incredible career for himself and despite himself has been incredibly prolific and sensitive. This is my normal.

Spending time with my family and just focusing on having fun with the littles has been great. I have a lot to go back to when I get back to town. I will be busier than I ever thought I could be and I'm prepared for that. I don't know what's ahead in the next six months. The first six have been great and perhaps only a preparation for what's to come. I welcome that fully. This week has been good for me. I've been good to myself. I've laughed, I've cooked, I've shopped. I have some more of that ahead of me before I leave. My niece's seventh birthday is tomorrow. We're spending the day with her--my brother, sister-in-law and me--and we're making her day really special. It's nice to focus on someone who's not me. It's nice to not to be obsessed with the details of my daily life.

I work hard. I love my work. I'm grateful for every opportunity that has come my way--especially in the past several months. And it's good for me to not be so impressed with myself. It's good for me to have these little bright lights who smile just because I walked into the room and I saw them. They don't know the details of my own insecurity. It has been an invigorating visit for that I really needed it. I've done some trips--like to the Bay Area recently. But it really hasn't helped me in the way this trip has.

I still have work to do. I still have things that need attending to--a pilot rewrite, a play rewrite, and a possible series. This year hasn't worked out the way I thought it would. It worked out better than I could have imagined. And now the dreams are bigger. But my commitment to myself is also bigger. Coming to Portland and thinking that I almost lived here again…it would have been the wrong decision. I'm so glad I didn't get the job.

Portland was the beginning of me deciding to put myself first. And it ended my relationship. Ultimately, that wasn't a bad thing. It forced me to be honest with myself that I didn't want the life I was living. I loved my ex. But the life he wanted was the life he was living and not the life that we would have together. I realize that I made the choice to leave long before I left. And we both knew it. It's true that I was having doubts about my relationship. I knew it wasn't right for me even though on the surface, it was great. He's a sweetheart. But his heart is closed in a way. And he truthfully wasn't enough for me. But it's also true that I wanted it to work out. And yet it's also the truth that it wasn't going to work out. We were both pulling away in ways at that point. Portland would have been running away from my problems and it would have meant that I would have run toward something for the wrong reasons. An my heart knew that was well.

I'm scared of the next step. I'm scared of what this next adventure is because it seems like it's a big leap. But that's why I have to do it. That's why it's the next step. I remember watching countless episodes of "Inside the Actor's Studio" and all of these actors say that when a role comes to them, they do the one that scares them. It always seemed to cavalier and easy to me. Like, okay, I'll just do the thing that scares me because that's the noble thing. But doing the thing that scares you is jumping off the cliff and not knowing how the hell you're going to survive. But that's the only way to grow. I want to do the thing that scares me. And this time in Portland is about me reminding myself of what is important and good for me. Work is important. Being exhausted from work is important. And seeing those smiling faces and seeing their purity is important. Being reminded that I have a gift and I need to be true to it is important. They remind me of that.

The past five months have been a dry run. And now it's time to step into what's ahead of me.

I am grateful for a place to come to when I need to recharge.
I am grateful for down time.
I am grateful for reconnecting with great friends.
I am grateful for quiet.
I am grateful to catch up on the shows I haven't seen.
I am grateful for great art.