Collaborations

Sometimes you need people to pull stuff out of you that you can't pull out of yourself.

As a university professor, I am accustomed to pushing my students to work harder than they ever thought they could. I write comments on their work that get them to think differently. Some of them resist it and those people would be wrong. But the ones who take the advice and consider what I am saying see a marked improvement.

I was talking to a friend today and her husband about a project that they're pitching that's very niche. He was arguing a bit about what's working. And I said, "Did you sell it? Then it's not working." The buyer has to know exactly what they're buying. And that can be an idea or a promise. It doesn't have to be a clear story per se, but they need to know what they think they're buying. And if it's not clear, you need to make it clear. I was getting a lot of push back from him because he felt he knew better. At some point, you have to say, "Fine." It's not worth arguing over who's right because ultimately this is not my project.

In our workshop for my play, my director Jen and I have a great back and forth. I totally trust that she knows what she's doing because I've watched her do it well. She's got a gentle way and I trust the results she gets. So I get out of her way. We talk privately. We have a lot of the same approach to things. That collaboration is easy because she makes some notes, I do the work and I bring results. It's really that simple. Jen pulls stuff out of me without being hostile or demanding. I think her strength as a director is that she cares so much and she's specific. But she's incredibly gentle. And looking at the work I did - four drafts in two weeks - is incredible. I work really hard for Jen because I know she's great at what she does.

With the TV project I'm working on now, I get a lot of encouragement from my collaborators. Sometimes I can't believe they like everything they like. But it lets me try things. It doesn't make me afraid that they're going to hate something. I have the normal anxiety that we all have. But I don't have any worries to show them something. I have been stuck all week on the beginning, middle and end of the first season of this show. Today something cracked. I just started with the first thing and the last thing, which I knew. Then I started writing more about the beginning and then I got to a place where I thought we'd end that first third, which is about nine episodes. Then I figured out the math to get to 26 episodes. If we did 9+9+8, that would be 26. But if we put the 8 in the middle, then we'd have the start as 1-9, the middle as 10-17 and the end as 18-26. I figured out some story for the middle that started to lean into the break that I knew was happening at the last third. Once I started playing around with the math, the story started to appear. I wouldn't say it fell out. But I definitely wasn't as mentally constipated as I had been all week. It started to be regular. I have a lot of work I want to do over the next two days. We're going to meet hopefully on Tuesday. But I have a full structure to the season, which I didn't have before. I printed out the 7 pages I worked on and now I'm done for the night.

I can go into Saturday and Sunday knowing that I can build on what I have. But I have a structure to the pitch. It's remarkable how much work went into just the seven pages I have so far. It will be a bit longer and I will revise what I already have too. Now I can recharge my own personal batteries and go somewhere and get some work done tomorrow and Sunday.

Good collaborations can lift us up and make us better. And when things are not great, well...those aren't people we should be collaborating with. But that's something we learn over time. My collaborators are keeping me on my toes, that's for sure.

My intention is growth.
My intention is to work.
My intention is to be open.

I am grateful for my collaborators.
I am grateful for the time it takes to get work done.
I am grateful for how hard the work is to do.

Great Advice

I'm at the age now where I'm giving advice as well as getting it.

I had the experience to give and receive today from two people I really respect. My friend, Tom, is an actor who I got to work with on a play workshop of mine. It's a play I LOVE and the experience of working with Tom was incredible. We haven't been in touch a lot in the past year and a half. But I found out today that his father just died in February. To look at him, with his enthusiasm and joy is remarkable. When we met almost two years ago at Priscilla's in Toluca Lake, we instantly got on. He's a kid from a solid family and a background that told him to work hard and he is. He's definitely a guy you meet and you think, "He's a star." He's moving to London soon to study acting. If I couldn't admire him enough already, that just made my admiration soar through the roof. He's going back to learn more about his craft. He's a real actor and he's tired of being told to take his shirt off - he knows that he's more than that.

In the same way that working with my students inspires me because of their optimism and freshness, talking to Tom awakened more optimism and hope within me.

Then I got to talk to my friend Elizabeth, who's a playwright and also a successful TV writer. I've gotten to know her over the past couple of years. First as a member of our writers group, and then as someone interested in me and my work. One of the reasons I admire Elizabeth is that she has managed to make a living as a successful TV writer and Co-Executive Producer and yet she still writes these weird plays. The two worlds are separate and as she explained to me yesterday, "I don't expect to make my living as a playwright. But if I did, I suppose I'd have to write very different plays." That statement was such a revelation. My whole playwriting career I've tried to get acceptance by the O'Neill, the Lark, the Playwrights Center, Sundance, Ojai, Cape Cod, Seven Devils or any number of different theatres or development organizations. I've been a finalist at a few places. But I'm never going to make a living as a playwright - mainly because there's no living to be made as a playwright. However, then I don't have to change the types of plays I write. Would I like to be produced? Yes. And now I have a theatre company that supports me - a company that already existed and has brought me into their fold. Even being a part of this theatre company, I realized that a theatre company's just a group of people who all have the same vision. They're just a group of people. They are not God. They are not even an institution. They're just people who agree - or work to agree. And if they're just people, then I will eventually find the people who agree with me. That releases me from a lot of things. That also means that networks, studios and production companies are just people too. And I can create an entity that agrees with me. But then again, that entity will just be composed of people. Somehow in that way, it makes it less intimidating.

I went off on a tangent, but one that's important to this conversation. I don't have to give my power away anymore to anyone. Even the folks with the big money. Even my manager - that's another conversation. My friend Elizabeth then had a lot of great practical advice for me. I'm writing a spec of a show that I love to get into programs that could help me. "They make it easier," she said. I've applied to these programs before without any luck. I thought that I wouldn't have to apply to them any more because I'm a Co-Producer on our show. But in some people's minds, it's "just a web series." I know that's not true. I know that I'm ready to hop on a show right now as a Story Editor or Executive Story Editor and burn the shit down. But my ego has been saying that I don't need it. What I realize is that we're in a time where diversity is a big buzz word. Unfortunately, it's a trend - which means that the trend cycle will eventually be over. But I need to hop on the trend while the ears are listening and the eyes are watching and reading. "Strike now," she said. She also had other key advice for me.

• Rewrite a pilot I had been working on - she said that I was really close to it being good. That I didn't need to start over and tear everything down. I just needed to fix what I had. That made all of this seem so less intimidating. She told me that I'm so ready to work in network television. And she should know. She has been doing it for thirteen years. That's the other thing about Elizabeth, she is incredibly honest, gracious and pragmatic. None of it's personal to her.
• "You've got three months." She didn't say this as a warning or even as a question to openly wonder if I could get it done in time. She said that in an affirmative way as if to say, "You've been working in TV. This is a doable deadline. Get it done." That wasn't really advice. But the advice was more about getting the work done and going for it.
• "Don't reinvent the wheel. It's television." She told me to steal the story beats from a show that the networks keep trying to replicate. Stealing's not an issue when you're surrounded by thieves. As creative people we tend to over mystify the process. Or here's what we do, we assume writing for television is the same as writing for ourselves. It's called staffing for a reason. You get a temp job and get staffed. So that means there are rules to follow and ways to be more successful or less successful. We get in our own way as creative types because we expect each job to fulfill us creatively.
• "Don't do that." - referring to expecting television to fulfill me creatively. The less personal I can make it the better. That's really why people succeed. They give to it, they do what's expected of them and they play the game. Then they get out. 
• "Have the things that fulfill you creatively so that TV doesn't have to." Yes, there are shows on the air that I consider art: Atlanta, The OA, Sense 8, Master of None, Louie, Baskets.  But even those shows are jobs. I didn't create any of those shows. So if I were lucky to staff on one of prestige shows, I'd still have to fulfill a creator's or a showrunner's vision. And that's okay. But writing a play means something different to me than writing on a TV show. That wasn't always the case. I expected one to satisfy me in the same way the other did. Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book Big Magic, "Support your creativity, don't expect it to support you." My creativity does not support me. My playwriting doesn't support me. I write plays because I love to be in a room with writers talking about my work and their work. I love my writers group. I love my theatre company. I love the companionship and the exchange of ideas. But I am not trying to make a career as a playwright. I actually think that's a mistake. More on that later. But it doesn't pay my bills. And it doesn't have to - as long as TV does.
• "A pilot just needs to show that story is possible." - I'm paraphrasing this one. But she basically said that a pilot needs to indicate that there is more story to be told from that well. And if you understand story, you understand how to lay that in a pilot. Again, an indicator that writing for television isn't writing in the muse-heavy way. It's meeting a deadline. It's figuring out a solution. It's mechanics. And because of that, it's impersonal. And because of that, it should be easy to get specs written quickly. They need to get you jobs. They don't need to win you the Emmy.
• "It has to look like a TV show." The pilot sample has to give the executives and the showrunner an indication that what you write is TV. As Elizabeth said, "The work has to pass through about five or six people before it gets to the showrunner. And they have to get it. The network, the studio, maybe the production company, your agent or manager. If it accomplishes the task of seeming like it's a TV show, then that gives people the confidence that you can do the job.
• "Write the thing that will give you the most chances of getting a TV job." There are a ton of cop, lawyer, medical shows. And there are certain things that people want. There are certain worlds that people are trying to break. Write those to get the meetings to get in the room. Again, there's a road map. Whether or not you choose to follow it is up to you. Now, a lot of this advice, if you don't have the benefit of hearing it directly from the source, sounds cynical maybe. Or it sounds reductive. Well, TV is reductive. Yet there are beautiful works of television that resonate with us. That doesn't exclude truth or authenticity. That doesn't mean that you can't write the passion project. That doesn't mean that you won't revolutionize television. But I don't know if you can set that out as a goal. The Shield, The Sopranos, The Wire (add to this advice, call your show The _________) are accidental revolutions. They were written from a place of honesty and they became something more. But those are all TV shows. Now it sounds like I'm giving advice. But a lot of this advice made sense to me. As I said to Elizabeth yesterday, I didn't know a lot of this stuff before I wrote on a show. I have a strong voice that I want to write in. I have a voice that needs to be kept sharp so that when it's time for me to create my own show, I'm not all rounded edges. But all of those things are true. And I might have heard some version of that from an agent or a manager along the way. When they said it, it insulted me. But knowing my friend, it sounds like a way to get the work done. Again, the job is to get staffed.

What Elizabeth didn't say, but what I got from our conversation was this -

It's up to me. I have the personality to be in a network room. I've worked in television and therefore have proven that I can do it. I have samples that just need to be tweaked. It is within my reach. Fix the problem - don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Every TV script is flawed and has to be repaired, but it can be done. Do the same with your samples. It's within my reach. I'm repeating that because I didn't get it the first time.

It's within my reach. 

If I don't do it, it's because I'm getting in my own way. It's because my ego is saying that my pilot has to be art. It's my ego that wants me to labor over everything to prove my worth. I'm already deserving. That's why you don't need to be a great artist to be a TV writer. That doesn't mean you don't need to be skilled. And that's not pejorative. It's actually hard to be a TV writer. But working hard does not make you an artist. You're an artist first - and that is a stroke of luck. That's the biggest stroke of luck. But where I have gone wrong is that I assumed that meant that I deserved to be a rich, successful, continuously working writer/producer. But you don't have to be an artist to be a TV writer - you do have to work your fucking ass off and you have to be relentless in your pursuit. That's why some people are successful and not talented - they work the system. It doesn't mean they don't deserve to be there, but they understand the code. Creative people don't always understand the code.

I think I take my friend's advice seriously because she's successful, but she's also at the heart of everything an artist. She hasn't sacrificed her art for the paycheck. She understands that they operate completely separately and she gives them each a room of their own. Sometimes I see playwrights whose work changes as a result of writing for TV. They've essentially forced these siblings to share a room.

Everything needs to be demystified. But that's difficult because we've mythologized the work of being an artist and confused that with the work of being a commercial writer. So we make it precious. Just like you have to be less precious with the writing itself, you have to be less precious with how you think about the writing. I'm learning that lesson.

I will say this. If I hadn't stuck to my vision, I wouldn't have written samples that are close to TV shows. I had to pull myself through the writing. I had to write all of those pilots. Otherwise, it's all formula. If I had just followed this advice, I wouldn't have written the play that has broken me open. I have a real voice - and real voices matter in TV. Yes, there are Amazon, Hulu, Netflix, FX, HBO and all of these prestige places to work and to sell work. And there's TV that's not TV. It doesn't mean that every sample has to fit the formula. But I have a leap I want to make. And in order to make that leap and then to have the freedom to look at my career from that vantage point and make the next move, I need to follow this advice. 

I also have to remember the refrain that my friend Adam used to repeat over and over again when we were coming up:

It's not called show friends, it's called show business.

Steven Pressfield put it differently. You can't be You to do business, you have to be You, Inc.

This will continue to sink in, but it was one of the most helpful business conversations I had. And that's from someone who wants me to succeed. Who thinks I have what it takes. And who has worked enough to know. This is practical knowledge, not just encouragement. 

My intention is to work in network television.

My intention is to not take it personally.

My intention is to be Me, Inc.

My intention is to do the work.

I am grateful for friends and family.

I am grateful that I got to see my godmother in Vegas for the day.

I am grateful that my heart is still open and my mind is still sharp.

I am grateful that I know I am capable of what I want, above all else.

I Have No Idea about 2017

I'm not a big fan of making resolutions.
Or of setting goals.
Or of weighing myself.

As the New Year rolls around in a couple of days, people are putting their lists together of the things they need to do starting in January. My gym will be crowded and then empty again by the middle of the month. Not me. I worked out three times this week. I've been sitting down to get my work done. I'm doing the work I always do. Now this isn't some sort of enlightened, holier than thou way of looking at things. It's practical. Because work is labor. It's not a grandiose ideal. It's not a pipe dream. It's blood, sweat and tears. And that's not romantic.

This year, I learned that message the most by working on the show. We had deadlines when things needed to be turned in and those deadlines were defined by production schedules and money. The old saying goes, "It's not finished when it's done, but when it's time." Something like that. I learned how to be less precious with my work. It's a great lesson for productivity.

My friend Molly and I met up for drinks last night. She had just read Turning Pro and was enamored of its lessons. It had struck a chord in her and we talked about it at great length. It has shaped my work ethic in ways that keep me on top of things. In order to be successful, I believe, you need to produce. And film/TV production teaches you that lesson better than play production. As it goes, theatres want to do free readings, workshops and other developmental work that doesn't often lead to production. Therefore you have writers who have no experience of the rigor of production. That rigor makes you better. Forcing yourself to get something done because you're going into previews or production teaches you like nothing else can. Working in TV has made me a better playwright because I get revisions done faster. It's our natural way to want something to be good. And the pressure of making something great still exists. But in TV, it has to be great and fast. And fast is more important than great.
Slow is not an option. Slow and great means nothing.

I'm wandering around a lot here. Back to not making resolutions - I don't like to set myself up for failure. People feel that goal setting is productive and it makes you work towards something. But what happens in life is often what isn't planned, so setting a goal for something you have no control over feels like a losing battle. All you can do is work and work consistently. If you work on something enough, you get it done. It ends eventually. But looking at page count, or number of scripts written, or a number on a scale might not feel the way that the work feels. Working out feels great. Writing feels great. Saving the day's work feels great. But when I try and compare it to the weight I should be at or the pages I should have written that day or month or year, I will always be let down. However, when I go back over the year and count the number of pages I got done after I've been working, I can see that I was more productive than I realized. But if I said, I need to get three plays written this year, I put pressure on myself that feels unachievable. Yet, if I just focus on the work that day, eventually I'll get those scripts all written - and maybe even more.

I haven't done my yearly count of pages yet. But I think it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 1400-1500. And I think I've done six scripts. I didn't know I'd write two episodes of TV or that I would do a rewrite of two pilots. I didn't know that I'd have a new play done or that I'd start a new play. So that brings me to the title of this post -

I have no idea about 2017. 

I don't know what I'll accomplish or what wonderful things will happen. I know that I'm at work on January 3rd. Beyond that, I have no clue what awaits me. I'm supposed to have this pilot done soon. And I know that I'm trying to write four pilots this year - yes, I know what I said about not setting a number. But I'm have ideas for a bunch of pilots and I'm just going to start and see how far I get. I have a schedule - one each quarter. But a lot of things could happen between now and then. I have the new play to work on. As long as I'm working, I'm fine.

This year, I worked on what I called "The Year of Challenges." I was going to do a new challenge every month. And I ended up working roughly on that schedule because of work. Some months I wrote nothing. Other months I wrote two or three things. It's not important that I got a script done a month. The important thing was that I sat down to write - and I did. So that's all I can commit to. I can give myself a frame work of four pilots. And I know that beyond that I have a play or two I want to write next. I started the first play. The second play idea is there when it's time.

I have no idea about this next year because 2016 was so good about surprising me. I had no idea about the WGA or the TV gig or the theatre company or the new play or how much better the break up would make me feel.  And that worked out real well.

So…2017? Bigger? Better? More?

Who knows?

My intention is to breathe.
My intention is to keep typing.
My intention is to keep my eyes and ears open.
My intention is to grow and expand.
My intention is to question and wonder.
My intention is to be delighted.

I am grateful for the time away from LA.
I am grateful for the hook ups I've had since being in Portland.
I am grateful for sweet souls.
I am grateful for friend catch ups.
I am grateful for family catch ups.
I am grateful for love.
I am grateful for dancing nephews.
I am grateful for musician nephews.
I am grateful for smart nieces.

Turning Pro: Self Inflected Wounds

In this conversation of Professionals and Amateurs, I think about a friend of mine who I saw today. We haven't really seen each other in awhile. She went to graduate school at USC over the time we saw each other. The person I met for lunch today seemed a bit more relaxed about the business. She seemed like she knew more about herself and more about her work. She seemed like more of a professional than she was when we last were hanging out. I was happy to see the change in her. She needed discipline and got it in graduate school. It was always clear that she was talented. Now it's clear that she's got the drive and work ethic to get where she needs to get to.

I was thinking about her in terms of looking at the qualities of a Pro and an Amateur. We've all been at that place where we had "raw talent." Some of us felt like we needed to be so excellent and a prodigy right away. And we got frustrated when that didn't happen. When I was a kid, I was just used to being funny looking and not smart enough. I suppose I got used to working hard that when the results of my work started happening, I never really thought - "Now I'm amazing." I kept working. And even when I had a moment in graduate school where I felt, "Wow, this is it", I still got my ass handed to me.

Here's the thing: You have to be an amateur in order to grow into a Professional. You have to start trying and then you have to decide how serious you're going to take it? Will it become a vocation? Or will it stay a hobby? I had a friend in college who was one of the most naturally gifted actors I had ever met. But she didn't want to keep working at it. She wanted it to all come to her. And the actors who worked at it got great. And she moved on to do other things. I know that she has come back to acting and I'm sure has seen her craft grow. But I would get frustrated that a bunch of my college friends would kiss her ass because she was more talented than they were. I wasn't an actor, but I knew that she had a natural gift I didn't feel I had. But I also knew that I worked at my craft. It made me angry to know that she wasn't working her craft hard and that she was resting on talent. Nothing made me more pissed off than that. She was an amateur. She had these grand ideas of how things should go.

Anyway, whenever I re-read this chapter, I think of her. She pulled the pin early on. I think of many friends who believe that a natural ability entitles them to great things happening. Great things may never even happen for people who work really hard. And some times people who don't work at it get rewarded. Life isn't fair. But I have no patience for people who don't put the work in and expect everything to come to them. I really love the work. It's my favorite part. That's no bullshit.

Let's Hear It for the Amateur
Amateur life was exciting. It was the time when I had these grand ideas of how everything would work out. That was my 20s and part of my 30s. When I was in college, I first discovered that I had something that resembled talent. I tried things and failed all of the time. But I loved it so much. I realized I was a theatre geek early. I knew that I liked these weird people. But I couldn't act. I tried and tried, but I didn't like how self-conscious it made me feel. I questioned my voice, my face, my body, my hair. It was torture. However, I loved dancing and it didn't matter how bad I thought I was. As long as I could emote with my body and not talk, I was fine.

Once I started to get better at things, I had all sorts of opinions about how good someone was. I guess that's the way you start to separate yourself - "I'm more talented that she is." I was bitchy in graduate school because I thought my talent made me a better person. I started to identify with the gift - and that was a good thing for awhile because I grew up not sure if I would ever be good at anything. I was starting to see that I was good at something and it quickly turned from pride into bitchery. I thought being a good writer made me better than other people. Understandable, given the fact that I was a kid who didn't think he was good at anything and didn't have a lot of friends. People liked me because I was talented. I started to see myself as a writer - and my value rose and fell based on how good I was. It's good to have a sense of value. But it's also a dangerous line to balance.

I didn't realize what an amateur I was until I read The War of Art. At a certain point, it wasn't about being the most famous or the richest. I was out in LA for a long time and I just wanted the opportunity to write. I remember Whoopi Goldberg saying something once about acting, "If you want to be a working actor, that's easy. But if your goal is to be famous, then that's a more precarious situation." I'm paraphrasing. But I realized that I wanted to be a working writer. And Whoopi was right. That was easy.

That's when I started writing all of the time. I always wrote. I always banged out at least one or two scripts a year. But that wasn't nearly enough. And I was working a full-time job, so that made it difficult. But I needed to pay the bills. Especially when I moved to Weho with my then boyfriend, I had to keep my job. I couldn't just take time to write all of the time. But once my situation changed, then I had time to make writing my number one focus. And it has been a struggle. But I had no choice, I had to write. The desire never went away.

Even though I was an amateur for so long, I really loved writing. But I was caught up in the glory I'd get from it. Yet, that was also the thing that kept me going for a long time. I realize now that the place people quit is the moment before they turn Pro. Once they realize that big dream's not going to happen - they're not going to win the Oscar/Tony/Emmy/Grammy/Pulitzer/Nobel Peace Prize they stop. But that's the moment where you get the call to turn Pro. The call is: How hard are you willing to work for it? And that call only comes because you've stopped working as hard as you can work.

I lived in such fear. Pressfield says that the big fear is that you'll succeed, not that you'll fail. And I can say that I was worried about what would happen if I left behind my family and everyone I knew for this goal. That was the main subconscious obstacle that held me back. FOR YEARS. What I realize now is that maybe I needed to find a new tribe. Maybe I need to find Professionals.

The Competitor
I had to win. I had been bullied and made fun of my whole life. I had to "show them." And them was just about everybody. I made myself tough in order to compete. I had the "Eye of the Tiger" and the movie of my life would have several training montages. Although, a writing montage would be pretty boring. I made everybody my enemy - not literally, I had a lot of friends and I seemed to play nice. But I saw everyone as something who would get in the way of my success. So as I saw people give up and fall away, I would take pleasure in that because I knew that I had stuck it out. I was better than anyone who gave up.

Then I believed my own hype and I started not working as hard. And during that time, my "competitors" kept going at it. They had less ego than me. And they started succeeding. And the world started to notice. And then I was the one who felt like a loser because I wasn't getting what they should be getting. And I thought the world was unfair. I felt the world was laughing at me for thinking that I could possibly be excellent. But it wasn't excellent I was after. It was "noticed", "famous" and "rich."

Excellence would come later, once I got over myself and once I stopped competing.

Instant Gratification
I thought my ship would come in no more than a year or two after I moved to LA. And the ship would have come in, if I had gotten on it. I had an agent interested from a good agency. And I put my fortunes in the hands of a manager I thought was looking out for my best interest. And that ship sailed. For years, I would look back on that experience as my big Fuck Up. This agent wanted me and loved my samples. He wanted to try and staff me right away. But my manager said to wait. And then he never followed up. He thought we could get a better offer. And then it went away. That's when I learned the big lesson to not give my power away to anyone. Well, I didn't really learn it then. I learned it after working for this manager for seven years and being with a toxic boyfriend for five of those seven years. And then my Dad had to die.

I was at my lowest low. I thought I had missed out. If only I had…

I realized that if I just looked at my life as missing the one opportunity that got away, I would truly be a failure. Around this time, I was miserable. I had hit rock bottom, even though I didn't know it yet. I didn't care any more about being a big famous writer. I just wanted a staff writing job. That's it.

I wrote three plays that year. Then I wrote some specs and some spec pilots. All bad. Most of these spec pilots would take me a year or two to "get right." I had no instinct. I still had a level of raw talent, but nothing was clicking. What was I doing wrong?

I went to work for someone else. I knew there was a "professional polish" I didn't have. I didn't walk into a room with the confidence that people who had been working had. I knew I had to be more than just a good writer with promise. But I didn't know how to make good on that promise. So I kept writing, because I couldn't do anything else. My Dad got sick and I wrote to keep my sanity. That seemed like a good reason to write. Then my Dad died and now I was writing with real purpose. By this point, I had stopped thinking I knew everything.

I was a full-time writer. I was a working writer. I made no money from writing.

I don't even remember what the big decision was or the turning point. But I was writing all of the time. I didn't have another job. I was scraping by. I would teach here and there. But I wasn't making any money from writing. At some point, I decided that I would write no matter what. It didn't matter if plays were produced or if I made a living as a staff writer. The work would be the reward. That didn't mean I stopped working hard because I didn't have a goal to be a professional staff writer. I still was competitive. I still wanted to be good. But I didn't feel like I would die a failure if that never happened.

Around this time, I fired my manager. I didn't want to be beholden to anyone. I wanted to know that I was on the right track because I said so. I didn't want anyone's opinion. I felt like I had lost myself as a writer and I was working to get my voice back. Or to maybe find it for the first time.

I had been in LA for a long time by this point. And nothing was happening instantly. I was writing and loving it. I now had a community of other writers - I was starting to be recognized by professionals. People now saw me as the guy who worked harder than anyone else. I didn't know if that was true. I didn't look in my rear view mirror enough to find out. I kept going. Around this time, I realized I was happier than I had ever been - poor and writing.

I had turned Pro.

Compassion
Around two years ago, when I had the office, I was doing some meditation work. That meditation that day was about compassion. I had a revelation. During my Dad's illness, I took care of him. I was fond of saying that I had offered compassion to someone who I felt never had it for me. I said that a lot. I thought it sounded enlightened. But I had never thought about what that really meant. During that meditation I did. And I cried.

Because I realized that I was more forgiving and nicer to myself. Once I could have compassion for my Dad, I was able to have compassion for myself. And I was being good to myself. The Amateur thinks that he has to be hard on himself to do well. He doesn't have patience or compassion for himself, so of course he doesn't have it for other people. That was me.

I see other artists who make themselves suffer relentlessly because they're hard on themselves. I used to think that if I wasn't hard on myself, then I wouldn't achieve. My Dad was hard on me. Then I became hard on myself. Letting go of my Dad was letting go of this vicious cycle of negative thought. I was so grateful that I had moved past a real blockade for myself that I cried. I was free.

The Past and the Future
I idealized the past. And I knew that the future would be better for me. Once I started meditating, I could be in the Present. It's such a cliche. Live in the present. I didn't know how to do that for such a long time. I felt like I had lost the ambitious person I used to be. And I thought that future success would save me. It'll be fine to fuck up my present because the future is waiting for me - I've been chosen. That's how I used to live. And now I know that I have to be here now in order to be there then.

The Amateur lives in the past and the future. When I read this for the first time, I realized how long I had been an Amateur. My friend who has been having a lot of problems lately is an Amateur - not because he's not talented. But because of this definition. All he does is relive the past in his head. I have some friends from college and grad school who get together just to talk about how great things were in the past. They want to talk about the productions we were all in or the plays we wrote. For a long time, that made me feel good because I felt the best days were behind me. Something in me knew that it wasn't over for me - it couldn't be over. Now I realize that it could have been over if I had decided it was over. And it's not over because I made that decision too. I can feel my friend struggling with these feelings. He's having such a hard time and those of us who know his struggle feel bad for him. I don't know if he's going to get out of it. He's a good guy. He's an honorable person. But that doesn't mean that he's going to get past it.

Pressfield says that the Amateur will be ready tomorrow. Amateurs make excuses. My friend has made a ton of excuses when I've offered help. It's easier to make up a reason why you can't do something rather than doing it. As Pressfield says, the Professional's fearful too. But the Professional pushes past this fear, which is often greater because he realizes what's at stake.

No One Is Smarter Than You
Bethenny Frankel believes this. I now believe this. How did I learn this lesson? My Dad was in the hospital and doctors were telling us what to do. They had the white lab coats, so the assumption was that they knew what was best for him. They didn't always. As Amateurs, we can often give our power away to others who we feel are experts. We do this all of the time with anyone who works at a network or studio or sits behind a desk. They don't know more than us. Skinnygirl Margaritas would not exist if the liquor business knew more than Bethenny Frankel.

I would have never had a senior showcase. I would never have had a production at a small theatre in the West Village. I would have never done all of the things I've done producing theatre, getting meetings, and getting out of my small town if I believed everyone knew more than me. I wouldn't be involved in a theatre company. I wouldn't be getting ready to direct a workshop next year. I would have never finished the play that got me my manager and TV gig if I had listened to other people who claimed to know more than me. Some of them believed it, too. I pissed a lot of people off because I wouldn't relent. And you know what, I didn't get into trouble for it. I spoke up for myself and I didn't get in trouble for it. I also have stopped asking permission to do things. And you know what again? I haven't had to ask for forgiveness either.

I'm working with a new manager. He's a great guy. From other people, I hear that he does not want to be a dramaturg. He does not want his clients to constantly ask for constant notes to complete something. He wants you to do it and then he'll comment. He wants you to figure it out. And if he likes it, he'll send it out. If he doesn't, he won't and you'll move on to the next thing.

At first this frustrated me. But then I realized that it was the right approach. And there's no pomp and circumstance when he decides to send something out or not send something out. Either you hear about it or you don't. It forces his clients to keep writing. I don't need his permission or approval. I don't need to give my power away to him. And he's not asking me to.

For so long, I wanted a guru and a mentor. I would say "I don't have a mentor" when I saw friends who had famous writers as mentors. For some people, that works. For me, I just ended up without any real mentors. I have my first playwriting teacher, but we haven't talked in years. He's a great guy, but he's not interested in being a guru, even though many people have tried to make him that.

Professionals don't give their power away. It has taken me my whole life to learn that.

What Happens When We Turn Pro
Life gets simple. Everything else falls away - if you listen to what the Universe is telling you. When I turned Pro, certain friends left me. I had a friend who was jealous and picked a fight with me. I had another friend who was superficial and was mad that I wasn't bullshitting in my life anymore. I haven't talked to either friend in over two years. And it's better that way. They both have successful lives and careers, but they weren't the right people in my life.  People got weird when I turned Pro. I can feel that judgment that I'm working too hard that's behind certain complements. I don't worry about it anymore. I'm not afraid to charge ahead. I'm no longer worried that people are going to think I'm better than them. I know I'm not. But I have to be the best, truest, purest version of myself and I can't dampen myself to blend in. I'm a sore thumb.

And in another way, nothing changed. I kept working. I didn't grow horns. I didn't instantly get the dream job. I had a work ethic. I had a practice. I had consistency. Again, the rewards were the new habits I was creating. The outside rewards come and go as they need to. But it wasn't like the Universe gave me a windfall of great things once I turned Pro. Once I turned Pro, life continued as usual. The jobs and the opportunities would come years later. The Universe had to know that I was in it for the reward of hard work and not the fruits of that hard work. I'm learning that the fruits don't mean as much as the work itself. That might sound crazy. It didn't happen overnight.

I have a real routine now. I go to bed by 11 or 12. I get up by 7 usually. Or a little earlier. I have my tea. I check my emails. I meditate. I should meditate first, but if I don't wake up a little bit I fall asleep during my meditation. I have the same thing - sweet potato hash browns, protein and two sunny side up eggs every morning with guacamole - for breakfast. Sometimes I have a little bone broth as well. Then I start answering emails or I pay bills. I do my business stuff in the morning. Then I get to work around 10 - I take off to the library or I find a spot to work for the day. Then I come home for lunch - or bring it with me or eat out - and then I do the second part of the day. I have an actual lunch break. I treat it like work because it is. Even if I don't get work done that day, I sit down and make room for work in my day. Sometimes I get together with friends to write. Sometimes I have meetings. It all depends.

Pressifeld says that Professionals recognize other Professionals. When I turned Pro, I realized that all of my friends were now writers - professional writers and Professional writers. Now, I have my theatre company family, my playwright family, my TV colleagues and other accomplished actors, directors, writers and producers in my life. I'm only surrounded by Professionals. I have a lot of people on the periphery, but it's hard for me to extend myself to people who are not Professionals.

I have better concentration now. I have less distraction. And THAT change has really only happened in the past year. I still get distracted. Resistance is still there. But I give into it less. I don't follow so many boys into the steam room like I used to at the Korean Spa. I sit on a lounger with a lap top on my lap and I keep working. I still get depressed. I still doubt myself. I still procrastinate and put shit off. But I also get back up and don't get discouraged, even if it takes me a week to finally hit my stride again.

My friend David said to me the other day that it seems like I don't worry any more. I talked about this in a previous post. But I think it means that he's seeing my Professionalism. He's noticing that I don't let things get in my way. I have a job to do and I do it - come rain or shine. It's not great every day, but if you're at it every day, a few bad days here and there don't matter.

Crafty
When I turned Pro, I really wanted to perfect my technique. I knew that if I wanted to ready for a staff job, I had to start working at that pace. I couldn't just be a good writer. I had to be fast, efficient, and an idea machine. I had to simulate working conditions. I started meeting friends for writing dates when I knew I couldn't just do it on my own. I took an office. I treated writing like my job. Even after I had to give up the office, I still treated writing like my job. And then writing became my job.

I don't stop. Even getting that first staff job made my writing so much better. I'm a better more efficient draft writer. For my next job, I'm going to be so much better than I was this time out. Even in writing the two pilots I worked on this year, I was able to take those drafts and figure them out quicker. Teaching has made me more efficient as well because I'm teaching those techniques constantly. It's reinforcing what I know. When I go to the next writer's room, I'm going to be so much better. Also, if the next writer's room is my own writer's room, I'll have great practice. Because I run my classroom the way I would run a room. It allows me to scrimmage.

Epiphanies
When you have an "a ha" moment, it usually hurts. When you move from one state of mind to another, there's a big seismic disruption. It's a 9 on the Richter scale. Every time I've gotten to a higher state of efficiency or consciousness, I had to bleed for it. But then the scars made my skin tougher and they've given me more stamina. But like the song goes, "There won't be trumpets…"

You have to keep going.

My intention is growth.
My intention is widening the net.
My intention is expanding the circle.

I am grateful for stamina.
I am grateful for focus.
I am grateful for friendships that keep me on my toes.

Rush Rush

Facebook does this thing where it shows you your old posts. And there was a post from 2012 that popped up the other day that talked about my quest for stillness. Stillness is a term I only remember using two years ago. That's when I started meditating in earnest. But to look at this Facebook post where I publicly stated that I was interested in stillness four years ago - I was shocked. I guess I had an instinct that stillness is what I needed.

In that time, I've found both intense stillness and intense productivity. Like I've mentioned before, I have written many, many pages over the past two years and eight scripts in those past years. This year so far I have written six scripts (one ten-minute, one full-length play, two pilots, and two half-hour episodes. The script I'm getting ready to work on now is a rewrite of one of the pilots. I will finish the year having written six scripts. I had this drive to do more and more every year. My drive has not disappeared, but I know that six scripts is enough. I need to take time to nail this next script and then I can move on and get ready for next year. If I take the remaining three months of the year to work on this one script, then I'm happy.

It feels like I'm slowing down a bit. And maybe that's where the search for stillness comes into play. I am open for many surprises and for much productivity. A psychic told me this year that the pilot I finished was going to be the script that made everything happen. He also told me that I would be busier than I had ever been or every thought I could be. Maybe I'm bracing for that. I'm enjoying this time where I can recharge. I don't know if that psychic is correct. And I'm not waiting around for magical things to happen. I am continuing to work and to grow from my teaching and from my work with the theatre company. I am setting some roots down with the theatre I now call my creative home. I also know that the play I finished altered something in me as a writer. I feel like I pushed myself and now my torn muscles need to heal in order to grow stronger.

I don't know yet how this change will show up in my writing. Maybe it will show up in this pilot rewrite. Maybe it will show up in this new play idea. Maybe it will show up later. But I know that I feel reborn as a writer. At the end of 2016, I will have written close to 4500 pages in three years. I don't know when I have crossed the threshold that of 10,000 hours that Malcolm Gladwell talks about. But I can feel that transformation.

I became an employed professional writer this year. That experience has stretched me and made me a better producer and authority on my work. Having both the experience of the show and the play in the same year has strengthened my resolve, it has made me a more skilled writer for sure. I almost feel like I was a kid before and finally I'm an adult writer. My work has matured in ways that it hadn't before. Truly, that feels like enough.

I have fellow writers in my life who are desperately seeking the big prize or the big production that will launch them. Honestly, I don't know what it means to have that big Edward Albee, Tennessee Williams, Arthur Miller, Tony Kushner, Carol Churchill career. Annie Baker has that career - as someone who makes a living from playwriting and has a Pulitzer. I don't know if that's what I should be pursuing. I wrote a play that transformed me this year. Honestly, a Tony can't compare to that. Those aren't my goals any more. I feel like that outside recognition is truly unimportant. And I don't know when that happened. It doesn't mean I'm less ambitious or that I'm less hungry. I feel that my appetite is actually more acute than ever. I have a refined palette. Before, I'd eat anything - even if it wasn't good for me. But my creative appetite is just as hungry, but more refined now. 

And I don't even have judgment over friends who do want to win the awards and have their name out there. The more I live, the more I realize that for me those things are a byproduct and not the main goal. I've had so many satisfying experiences in the past several years that mean so much more to me than an award. Besides, the thing I really want is money. I want a career and I want to be making money. That money represents value - it represents equity in my career that I have built on. And I can leverage that equity into more opportunities. The money isn't about greed. It's about building value in what I bring to the table.

Yet, I'm not panicked or rushing to make that happen. I'm writing. I'm not worried if someone is writing more than I'm writing. Or if someone is writing less. I'm not turning around to see who's catching up with me or looking to see who's ahead. It's that formula that got me to the place I am now. Comparing myself to other people is too exhausting. I don't speak of it in the past tense because I'll never be past it completely. That sort of competition is in my DNA. I try and ignore it.

I've said in the past that once I stopped worrying so much I had a lot more time to write. Anxiety ate up so much of my time. When I finished work on our show and when I finished working on my play after the workshop, I wanted to go back to work right away. I wanted to have the next thing to jump into. That hasn't happened. I had the opportunity to develop something and that opportunity went away. If I had gotten that opportunity, I would have not had the time to finish my pilot and my play. I believe those are the projects the psychic was talking about when he said that what I was working on now would make all of the productivity to come in the near future possible. I'm working on finishing this other script so that my runway is totally clear.

Sometimes I don't like to talk about my new found perspective because I feel it makes me sound like I think I'm so evolved and above all the worrying. I don't talk about the worrying in the past tense because we all worry. I'm not saying worry is bad. It just takes up a lot of space. And that's what makes me feel like I have to rush around, instead of settling in and doing the work and not worrying about the time.

My intention is to do the work in front of me.

My intention is to leap and soar.

My intention is to do.

I am grateful for Amazon Prime.

I am grateful for afternoon TV binging.

I am grateful for stillness.

Perspective

The glass is half full.
The glass is half empty.
They're not calling me back because they hate me.
They're not calling me back because they're too busy and not even thinking about me.
It's not personal.
It's totally personal.

I have so many stories going on in my head as to why something is happening - or more to the point, not happening - in my life. I make it entirely personal as if all of these people are out to make sure that I don't succeed. And it has nothing to do with that.

I talk a lot about keeping my path clear so that good things can find a space to land. But that goes for thoughts, too. I have a lot of negative thoughts rambling in my head about why an opportunity isn't happening for me. But nothing good can grow if the weeds have taken over the garden. None of this seems negative on the surface, but it's keeping me from progressing forward.

I have noticed something interesting lately. The negativity is self-inflicted and contained to myself. That wasn't always the case. I used to get madly jealous of people when good things would happen to them instead of me. Facebook was a danger zone. I'm on Facebook less these days, but I still check it several times a day. However, Facebook was never the problem. I've always been the problem. And when I check Facebook these days and see pictures from the set or an announcement of an award with someone familiar attached, I keep reading.

I'm not exactly sure when or how that happened. I was set to be all pissed off for the rest of my life. Maybe it's the meditation I've been doing. Maybe it's the fact that good things have happened for me this year. Maybe it's just not caring so much any more. It's easier to say, "That's their success and their journey - not mine." I'm happy I've taken a more mature approach to things, but I don't pat myself on the back for it.

I do know that I'm a happier person because I've found some great community this year. Right now, things feel a little in limbo because I'm in between gigs. I'm teaching and really enjoying that. I need to be more thankful for the quiet time. Because when things get crazy - and they'll get crazy again - I'll be wishing for the quiet time. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be excited to be so tired and exhausted and worn out. Maybe I'll be grateful to be pushed to my limits. And then the next time it gets quiet, maybe I'll be happy to take the break.

That's what I'm hoping. That would make life so much easier.

It happens gradually. Maybe the next time I'm in a quieter moment, I'll have even more gratitude and be shocked at that.

My intention is to get this pilot script done this month.
My intention is to love every minute of writing it.
My intention is to be surprised by the next thing around the corner.

I am grateful for The Get Down soundtrack.
I am grateful for milder weather.
I am grateful for a quiet morning.
I am grateful for a great community of hardworking theatre company members.
I am grateful to have somewhere to go and somewhere to be and people who care.
I am grateful that I am slowly, but surely getting over my break up.

What I Write About

My friend David and I were talking a week or two ago about writing. We're writers. It tends to be the topic of conversation whenever we get together or get on the phone. He talked about his mission statement as a writer.

What do you write about?

He posed the question to me. I suppose I've thought about that question from time to time over the years. I don't know that I've ever had a great answer. I used to think I wrote about identity. People finding their identity, trying to figure out who they are. I had plays about a gay guy who fell in love with his straight best friend and a couple who are trying to figure out who they are in a relationship. I wrote about an asian actor masquerading as a latina actor to get roles. Those plays feel very much about identity to me. They're also extremely gay. And I suppose you could put gay on the list of things I write about. More often than writing about my cultural roots. The last "identity" play I feel I wrote was about a painting and its influence in three different eras, although I'd also say that play was about objectification. Although, you could also say that's about identity - who are you to someone else, how people see you.

Then my Dad died and I started writing a lot about death. I finally had characters who died in my plays or were dealing with some sort of death. I didn't deal with that at all in my earlier work. I wrote a play about a man mourning a life he never lived with a person from his past. I wrote about school shootings. And this latest play is about the year my father died. The next play idea has to do with two ghosts - or spirits - of people from the past. But it also has to do with identity in a way as well. But I think it goes further than that - it does deal with legacy and what you've left behind when you've gone.

I don't know if I had a great answer for David that night we were on the phone. I was stumped.

Today I was listening to a podcast where a playwright was being interviewed and the host asked her what she writes about. I thought about David's question again. And then the idea of adapting popped into my head. I write about characters who adapt. That can mean that they're survivors. That can mean that they're people who are one way with one set of people and another way with another set of people. It can mean that these characters change to please others. It can mean that they struggle with their identity. It can mean that change based on what's asked of them.

As a person of color, I'm highly adaptable. I was the brown kid who went to school with the white kids and came home to my small middle class home and spent the weekends in East Los Angeles with my Mexican grandmother taking the bus. I do a lot of adapting to my surroundings - and some of that adapting has caused me to think about who I am in the world. It takes different forms, but I think my characters do that too.

Now, why is this a worthwhile exercise? I don't necessarily need to encapsulate what I'm about as a writer - that's what audiences and critics do. I can muse on themes that I keep coming back to. But that kind of analysis I usually save for my therapist or for other people to tell me what they see. I don't know if I want to completely know what I'm about as a writer and if I should write to that - or if my instinct would be to write away from that. I suppose it's an interesting thing to think about. I just don't know how much time I want to spend dwelling on it. I'd rather be surprised by what people find in what I write. That's where the interaction and the magic happens.

My intention is to be surprised.
My intention is to be excited for what happens next.
My intention is to be dedicated to my work.
My intention is to work hard.

I am grateful for friendships that keep me afloat.
I am grateful for breaks.
I am grateful for blowing off steam.
I am grateful for all of the fun I'm having.

…and counting

In the constant struggle of trying to make a career and being satisfied by the work alone, I try to remember that doing the work is what leads to the rewards around it.

I work hard. That I know.

I have friends who work hard and some who don't work as hard. And while it's easy to say that those who work hard will be rewarded more, that's not always the case. Luck factors into so much of all of this.

My challenge today was to get the pilot done. I had come home last night and wrote about eight pages. Then I woke up this morning hoping to finish. So at around 9:30, I started writing. Around 10, I got a text and checked my phone. Then I saw that I had a call from my friend Cory that I missed because my ringer was off. I had hit a stride, but I felt like I wanted to talk to him today, so I called him. We had that conversation that all artists - in this case, writers - have with each other. We talk shop and about opportunities that we want and ones that we feel we're missing.

Cory's a friend who works hard. He has written three new plays this year. What the fuck, bro? You're making the rest of us look bad. But people say that about me, so I know I'm in good company. Cory keeps me on my game. He's also someone I care deeply about and I want him to have everything he wants. He's a friend who pushes me because I know he's always working. If I'm not working, I know that Cory is and that motivates me. I'm not jealous of Cory - even though I think he's a brilliant writer and he's got the goods. I know he respects me as a writer, too.

So we have these conversations about wanting things. And I tell him the thing I never could take in when someone would say it to me after I'd be frustrated at the state of my career -

It'll happen.

How unhelpful is that? It's something you don't believe until something happens. But the difference with Cory is that he puts in the work. I have other people in my life who don't put in the work and they want all the stuff that others have. It's okay for Cory to want all the stuff because he works his ass off. And he will get the opportunities. I believe that.

My friend Susan works hard as well and deserves everything she has. She stands firmly in who she is because she knows herself. She ran our show with aplomb. She was the boss and took that role very seriously. And she held that set together when I watched her.

Those of us who work hard are hard on ourselves because we know what we're capable of when things are firing on all cylinders. And we expect that things will be firing that hot all of that time because in general we are highly productive. It's an unreal expectation, but one that overachievers have. I love being surrounded by such highly motivated people because, again, it motivates me.

We got off the phone after an hour. The conversation was good and I felt like we both left the conversation feeling better and less isolated. Then I went back to the script - hoping that I hadn't blown it by stopping earlier. But the flow was still there because the conversation didn't disrupt the flow. The conversation was still about productivity and ideas. So when I got back to the pilot, I finished.

Stats:

Location: Home
Hours: 1.5
Pages: 4

Total Page This Year to Date: 1148

And I still have another rewrite or two of the play, the rewrite of this pilot, and the rewrites of another pilot. Last year, I wrote 2000 pages. That would be nice. But the amount of experience and growth that has happened is satisfactory enough.

I have no plans after this pilot and the next one. That should take me to about the end of the year. I have no idea what exists beyond that. Is that scary? Maybe. But it also feels like there's a new adventure ahead of me.

My intention is to take a leap.
My intention is to take a leap.
My intention is to take a leap.
My intention is to take a leap.
My intention is to take a leap.

I am grateful for heart to hearts with friends.
I am grateful for inspiration.
I am grateful for getting all three scripts I set out to finish done.

K Spa Writing Tour: Day Off

For the past four days, I have been writing in Korean Spas. And writing about writing in Korean Spas. It has been a delight and a joy to have that luxury and that level of productivity. But when you've been doing something for four days straight, you have to take a break. I'm not taking a break from writing, but I'm taking a break from going to another spa today. My skin is as soft and as clear as it needs to be right now. If I don't take a break, I'm not going to appreciate it the way that I usually do.

I didn't get any writing done at the spa yesterday. But when I got home, I did. I was getting stuck and forcing myself to get unstuck wasn't sticking. I didn't get nervous, the way I usually do. I accepted that being stuck was going to be the thing. Or better, I accepted that I was at the spa and I should enjoy the spa. So I slept and I soaked and I engaged in conversations with two couples visiting. I listened to stories and I lived my own story. It was terrific in that way. And now today, I have the day off.

What am I going to do with my day off from the spa?
I slept in - at least compared to yesterday when I woke up at 5 AM. I woke up at 6:42 this morning. That's a whole hour and 42 minutes of sleep. I think I went to bed around 11:30. So…seven hours. That's pretty terrific.
I've meditated already this morning. I'm having breakfast now and I'm doing a foot soak for my right foot which has a little athlete's foot.

Then I think I'm going to shower and get to work. I have seven scenes from the pilot to complete. I'm going to let it be as long as it needs to be and then cut. My manager wants this pilot down to about 52 or 53 pages. Maybe 55. That was the original assignment. To cut five pages. That turned into three months of revamping and cutting stuff, yet also adding stuff. I'm learning lessons every day - what happens when I have a script that I could bang out in under a month and I take three months? I've been busy, sure. But having that amount of time to think and sit with the idea and see if it sticks - that's not a bad thing at all.

I need to run some errands. I need to see about my passport renewal.  I need to turn in my paper work and a check to the WGA. I need to do a lot of shit. I need to go to the printer and print a copy of the pilot once I finish. So I need to finish before 4 PM basically. Because I have rehearsal downtown at 6:30 for the play. And then it's play time. That's easy. I just have to listen to the play being read again. And comment. And listen. And be ready to rewrite.

Then I can go back tomorrow and maybe spend the day at the K Spa if I need to. Or maybe I can get work done and give myself the reward of going to a K Spa and just relaxing.

My intention is to take a leap.
My intention is to take a leap.
My intention is to take a leap.

I am grateful for my morning meditation.
I am grateful for grey skies.
I am grateful for a chill in the air.
I am grateful for morning rituals.
I am grateful for relaxing foot soaks.
I am grateful for a steady stream of thoughts and ideas.
I am grateful for my producers, director and actors.

K-Spa Writing Tour: Day Four

All week I have been writing at Korean Spas - mostly with a lot of success. The first day I rewrote 65 pages. Admittedly, the beginning of that play was in pretty good shape. I mainly trimmed pages. The second day, I got about 16 pages rewritten and worked through some new scenes. And yesterday, I got through another 18. And I finished. I took the rest of that day to relax and decompress. I stayed at the spa for another five hours after I finished so I'd have a clear break between writing projects. 

Today, on Day Four of my writing tour, I take on a different project. I'm at Wi Spa in Koreatown, a personal favorite of mine. I've been at Wi several times for 11 or 12 hours. I have stayed here overnight before. When I'm here it feels like time stands still. It's like a miniature city. There are no windows, so you don't really know what time it is outside. There's a great restaurant here. There are many co-ed areas to relax and sleep and unwind. I'm bringing in the big guns to get this next script done.

The alarm went off at 5 AM. I was in bed by 10:15 PM last night, knowing that I'd have to wake up early if I wanted to beat traffic. When I finished up at Imperial Spa yesterday, I thought about whether or not I even needed to come to a spa today. I finished the play. I know I have to finish my rewrite of this pilot. But I thought, maybe I could just do this at home. I'm accomplished. I'm done!

Then I thought about Resistance. Resistance would want me to stop because I've gotten enough done. I know that if I get this pilot done, then I will be done with all the writing I wanted to get done this week. And I'm in a perfect position to accomplish that goal. And I think about how Resistance works. It's insidious. First it starts out with "well, you've done enough. You need your rest." Then it becomes, "Can you really do that?", "There's NO WAY you can do that.", "You're not smart enough", etc.

So I doubled down and decided to get up early, like I was heading into the office. I know that Wi has an early bird special Monday-Friday where if you get in between 4-10AM, it's $20. And I know if I get here early, I'm going to avoid traffic and I'm going to feel like I'm accomplished. When I drove in this morning, it was dark. I almost missed Wilshire Blvd because it was so quiet. And when I pulled into the parking lot, it was FULL. I was shocked. But a lot of people stay here over night. And it's the nicest 24 hour Korean Spa in the area.

I'm ready to pull in a long day to get this pilot rewritten. I have about 38 pages written. I have several more scenes to write and I think it will come in long. But I want to rewrite everything and see what I have to cut. I've been working on the pilot itself for the past month. I have a personal deadline to get it done by tomorrow so I can say I've only worked on it for the month. My manager gave me notes on it three months ago, but because of production and another project I was trying to pitch, I haven't had the time to really work on it. And I've been working on the play as well. It's not like I haven't done any work on it. I worked on a beat sheet and an outline. I reworked a lot of the play. It feels like a serious rewrite -almost a redraft. I've been on set producing, so it's not like I've been putting it off to do nothing. Yet, I still feel like I need to close this out and send it to him so we can take next steps. Mercury retrograde is coming up on the 30th as well, so I want to finish it before then.

I feel like I'm setting myself up for a busy fall. After I finish up with the pilot, I have two days of the play workshop and I'll be rewriting during that time. Then I have the reading on Saturday and next week I have to get my syllabus together to start teaching in about a week. Then I've got a whole new adventure in the Fall of being in San Diego. I have an inkling that the Fall will be busy, like the Spring was with me having to juggle teaching with other projects. I'm absolutely open to that. I can always make things work.

8 AM - Already been here two hours. I looked at the play again and made some minor adjustments. Got teary reading over the end. That's it. I stuck the landing. Now I look forward to hearing more and seeing what else I can cut. Eating some food I brought with me. Sending out some emails. Going to be talking myself into getting some work on this pilot done soon. I'm finishing up some loose ends to avoid work - Resistance is looming nearby. Need to get this work done quickly so I can get do what I came here to do today.

12 PM - Still haven't started the work yet. Been at the spa for six hours! I've been reading and doing other things. I took a nap. I've eaten a bit. I've cleaned out my emails. I've sent emails. I've had text conversations with friends. I've listened to music. I've watched videos. Lunch is coming soon. This is how I thought it would go. That's why I got here early. I'm getting ready to work soon. I hope. :)

6 PM - Okay, I've been here officially for twelve hours. I'm trying to get stuff done. I'm actually not totally feeling the stuff I need to get done. I'm trying not to panic. Today has been productive in taking things easy. I'm worried that I won't get the pilot done in the time I need to. I have a habit of getting everything done on my list except for the last thing I need to get done. I just need to write some scenes. I don't need to finish it all today. Just some scenes. Trying to take the pressure off of myself. I have had a lot of relaxing dips in the cold pool and time in the steam room. I do need the time to decompress. But  I also have to get this pilot done. I have to remember not to compartmentalize everything I need to get done. I have such an emotional attachment to the play because it's telling a personal story. That play feels more important for me because it feels more creative and more personal. Then I work on the pilot and that feels like it pales in comparison. But I have to remember that the pilot is also my family story. It's the story of a family like mine that has a successful business. I'm still telling those personal family stories. Both of those stories speak to one another, which could be good in terms of selling me as a writer. I try not to get too involved in the whole strategy of it all - but old habits die hard. I have a talent for seeing how things fit together. I do that for other people in my life. I like the business as much as the show. But it also means that I put all kinds of pressure on myself. Somehow I have put Hollywood - or a successful film and TV writing career - on a pedestal. I should just do the work, like I always do. And I've written multiple versions of this script before. So why is this different for me this time? I've been incredibly productive this year so far - I know how to do this. I rewrote a pilot, wrote this play and have been working on the rewrites, I've written on a show and did multiple outlines and drafts, I've been on set and produced. Why is it so hard for me to get this one script done? I haven't had time and I've been putting it off. But it also has scared me for some reason. I'm getting too much in my head about it.

It's 7:40 PM and I think I'm going to go home soon. After I finish this post. I didn't get much writing done today. Not in the way I wanted to. I'm questioning whether or not I'm going to head to a K Spa tomorrow. I might wait and see if on Friday I need to get work done on the rewrite. I have been productive. I have rested. I have reset. I had a few conversations - met a couple from Chicago who are stopping in LA before they head to Australia and Asia for a year to get jobs and travel. Then I met a couple from Phoenix who are in town for one of the boyfriend's birthdays. So not all was lost. I will have been here for 14 hours. I felt completely active and engaged in my day the whole time.

When I was in the steam room - I was present. When I was in the dry sauna or the cold pool or napping, I felt like those were deliberate things. I took care of some business things via email. I even watched a few videos, but none of it felt like unconscious work. I felt engaged. Fourteen hours of mental engagement are a victory. I'm not mad at today in ways that I would have been just even a year ago. I would beat myself up about a "wasted day." Today was not wasted. I've felt inspired all day. I'm not sure what's not clicking with this pilot. I have the story mapped out! I'm ready to go. I think I just need to write the scenes I want to write and then fill in the pieces until I'm done. I'm not going to think about it too hard. Nourishing my soul and my creative self is also work.  I've had a very meditative sort of day. I don't feel depleted. I don't feel like I didn't have the energy today.

I know I have work to do on this pilot beyond getting it finished. I start rehearsals for the workshop tomorrow. I'm going to be fully engaged in that. I can't wait to get into the rehearsal room. I know it's important to have a writing sample in which to sell me. I'm not assuming I'm going to be asked back for the next season of our show. I'd love to. But I'm acting as if I don't know what the next thing is going to be because I actually don't.

I'm not sure where that trust comes from - the trust that things will work out. I have employment starting next week. Some would say that I'm not forcing myself to work because I have security. But I have been working my ass off all year. I don't feel like anything's guaranteed. It would be different if I didn't try. That's not the case. My manager didn't like the pilot I wrote last year. I had another pilot I wanted to rewrite. Last year I wrote three scripts in three months after spending eight months on one script. I didn't stop because I was "done" for the year. Or because I was tired. I'm not stopping now. This is just taking longer because I've been working. I'm building an incredible skill set to write and produce my own show.

This play has opened up my voice in so many ways. I know that it has broken me open. Will it set the world on fire? I can't say. I know it has set me on fire. It's weird. I don't have a TV sample that is that weird. I'd like to believe that someone could sell me on my theatre material for TV, especially coming off a gig.

I want to finish the pilot because I believe in this story. I've taken apart the story after thinking I was done a long time ago. Maybe it's the difficulty of dusting something off and completely revamping it. I'm making it better. There's no doubt about that. It's not that I'm ruining anything. I know this process is for sure making the pilot better. I'll get it done. I have no doubt about that. My brain just has to put some things together in ways it hasn't been able to yet. I'll get there.

My intention is to be good to myself.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to work hard.

I am grateful for random conversations with strangers.
I am grateful for joy.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for inspiration that comes in all forms.

The Luxury of Me

I'm writing right now.

Last week I was on set for the last week of production on a show I wrote for.

I was "in charge." Really, there were other producers and executives and directors on set. But I had a voice in what was getting done.

When I think about creative freedom and creative control, that's what it looks like. It looks like me being in charge and having ideas.

I talked with my friend Jen who's directing my play reading on Saturday. "This is your process, baby," she said to me as I was talking out some ideas for the last third of the play.

I'm starting to go from It is? to Yeah, it is.

I wrote that title "The Luxury of Me" and just started writing.

I'm writing a play about my life. Directly. I am a character in that play, played by an actor playing me. My director gave him a note - don't play a character.

"The more you can be yourself, the more you will find that character. Because this character is the playwright being himself within his own play. You're the voice of the playwright in his own creation. Even though it's tempting to try and act because you know you're playing a version of the playwright because the playwright is standing in front of you, just be yourself and don't act."

I thought that was the most brilliant note I've ever heard.

And it made me excited for this reading.

It made me excited to dig deep and get the shit done that I need to get.

It's such a great note because when I'm writing dialogue for the character in the play that's supposed to be me, I'm writing as me. Everyone else, I'm writing as a version.

Right now, I'm luxuriating in being me. Being me is enough. It's a luxury item. It feels like a luxury to be yourself sometimes. In a lot of ways, it shouldn't. It should be a luxury everyone can afford. But it's treated that way. Not everyone gets to do what they want or have their own voice. But why not? I'm enjoying being me right now because the me I get to be is the me I want to be. I'm incredibly lucky. 

That me is radiating - and people are noticing.

I'm so excited about this play because I think it's the fullest expression of myself.

After this, I go on to do other things.

If I know this is on record - and hopefully will go on to get produced - I can go on and do other types of writing.

I can write on other people's shows. I can direct. I can be creative in other ways. 

I will still write. I will still be productive, but this is the fullest form of my pure expression at this point in my life and it exists. There's something rewarding enough in that.

I know I am in the right time and in the right place in my life.

My intention is to write today.

My intention is to leave myself on the page.

My intention is to be open to the fullest expression of myself.

I am grateful for Day Three of my K-Spa Writing Tour.

I am grateful that the first two days have been so successful and now we find ourselves on page 79.

I am grateful that today's journey is 20 pages.

I am grateful that I look like myself with my new haircut.

I am grateful that yesterday, I cleansed the dead weight and dead skin.

I am grateful to be renewed and refreshed.

K-Spa Writing Tour: Day Two

I embarked on a Korean Spa writing tour of my local Korean spas that are great places to write in. You never know who you're going to meet. Yesterday, I wrote about my experience at Irvine Spa, where I was for 12 hours. Today, I had a haircut and on the way home I stopped at Natura Spa in Koreatown. It was great. I had a blast. It's a much smaller operation. There are separate male and female areas, no common area. The men's section has its own kitchen and lounge. I like Natura - been going there for years. It's cheaper than Irvine Spa and I can also stay there all day. I was there for about 8 hours today. That was plenty, but I got a lot of stuff done as well and engaged in one very interesting conversation.

Today was about shedding dead weight. I got a haircut today and cut off most of my hair. I tend to like to ritualize experiences. The end of production on the show was the end of a six month process for me. So I memorialized it by chopping off my hair. Then I went to Natura Spa and got a full body scrub - got rid of a bunch of dead skin cells. And of course, I had work to do. I got a good amount done. But then I engaged in a full artistic conversation with two guys who were pretty attractive and a lot of fun.

I was in the steam room and this hot Latin guy started doing sit ups and planks and all sorts of yoga poses - even a headstand. Another guy broke the ice and told him he was showing off. Then we all started joking around and took our conversation to the jacuzzi. I don't know how we got on the subject of art and putting one's self out there. But we did. Our hot Latin is a dancer, which I believe, and a writer, which I'm less certain about. But the three of us stood in the hot tub talking about artistic motivation and entitlement to one's creativity and all sorts of esoteric bullshit you talk about when naked in a tub with other dudes. The sexual energy was definitely there. I let the two of them handle that while I went to grab some dinner at the cafe before last call.

Then I got engaged in a conversation with the other guy after he finished up with our Latin friend. We've both been kicking around for awhile in the biz and had lots of stories to share. Lots of similarities. He seemed cool and we chatted for a couple of hours. I love talking to new people. That stimulated some thought. Fortunately, I had gotten as far as I could get with the script. I didn't feel like he was pulling me away from anything. And frankly, the conversation was pretty interesting.

It was a productive trip all around. Here are the stats:

Location: Natura Spa
Hours: 8
Pages: 16

Now a lot of those pages were full rewriting. I am now in the part of the script where there's a lot of heavy lifting. I'm rearranging scenes. I'm adding scenes. I'm taking lots of notes. I did a lot of note taking today. I knew I wasn't going to finish - even though I had such a productive day yesterday. I'm doing  a lot of scribbling in my script of things I want to think about. I had a conversation with my director over the phone as well and we both agreed on the scenes I need to write. Even though I didn't write as much per se, I got a lot done. Sometimes it's not about page count.

My intention is to be open to new experiences.
My intention is to have fun.
My intention is to write as much as I can this week.
My intention is to work hard on the play.

I am grateful for random conversations.
I am grateful for bibimbap.
I am grateful for the fun I am having.
I am grateful to have so many projects.
I am grateful for my friendships.

K-Spa Writing Tour: Day One

I have a lot of writing to do this week. I have a ten-minute play that's due - that I JUST turned in - today. I have a workshop reading happening on Saturday and I'm trying to get a pilot I've been working on for the better part of three months - really one month if you don't count the outlining phase and putting it away to work on other projects. But this has really gone on longer than I had wanted it to. So this week is a big push. And in order to do that, I need to go find safe, quiet space to work. 

I was in production for the TV show I'm working on all of last week - it was our final week. And at the end of the week, we had a raffle for a pot of money that people contributed to. The pot got to over $400. I won it. And after I gave $100 to the PA who organized everything, I decided that that money would be about taking care of myself. I used the first $140 of it on a two-hour massage that was incredibly restorative and amazing. Then I decided I would use the rest of it to fund a week writing at Korean Spas.

I didn't feel like driving into LA yesterday to go to a Korean Spa, so I decided to head to I-Spa in Irvine, my favorite K-Spa in Orange County. I knew that they were open until midnight. So I decided to park myself there for as long as I needed to so I could get things done. The big assignment was to get to work on the rewrite of the play I'm rehearsing on Thursday for a workshop reading on Saturday afternoon. Since production had taken up a lot of my time, I knew that this week was going to be jam packed. I had a lot to do in a short amount of time.

I arrived at 10 AM. Went directly into the shower and did my normal steam, sauna, warm tub, cold tub routine. Then after being clear headed, I went to the TV Room to start work. I took a scene at a time and made hand-written notes in the script. Then I took out the lap top and made those changes in the script. I did this back and forth for a little while, then decided it was time to clear my head again.

This time, I had some company. There were some cute guys showing off and being a little naughty. Nothing came to fruition, but it was a welcome distraction. And since I'm working on a play about someone who uses sex as a distraction, I felt like I was still getting work done.

I took a lunch break around 1 PM. Then got back to work. At this point, I was feeling good that I was accomplishing the work I came to do. Three hours and I'm feeling pretty good. More writing, more distraction and all of a sudden it's 6 PM. Am I done for the day? Eight hours is a great stretch. But every time I thought I might be done, I started thinking about the next scene in the play. And I kept going.

I didn't give myself a time limit. If I had left after lunch, I still would have felt successful. But it was now past six and I was getting hungry. But I pushed through. Then I went and grabbed a little snack in the cafe and worked some more. I was listening to Justin Timberlake's "Mirrors" on repeat and kept on going. I pushed past where I thought I'd finish. I would get a little stuck, go back into the steam room for some "inspiration" and come back out with some new thoughts.

To be honest, the "inspiration" was less salacious than I'm making it out to be. I really just sat and stared at the walls and talked to myself and sung songs to myself. I probably looked crazy, which is why no one really talked to me. But being in the cold tub and letting my body temperature lower and sitting in the ice cold water allowed me to open up. It had a calming, cooling feeling - like I was letting my brain cool off and recover. The warm tub felt like I was being nurtured and I could melt in a warm bath. The misty steam room felt intense and made me intensely think about what I had just written. And the dry sauna made me zone in and focus. Something about the dry heat kept me in there for long periods of time. The steam room was harder to stay in for very long. It was the most distracting. But each area allowed me to work a different part of my consciousness. And it kept anything from being boring for too long.

I didn't leave until 9:30 PM. So almost 12 hours of K-Spa writing time. Here are the stats at the end of the day:

Location: I-Spa in Irvine, CA
Hours: 12
Pages: 65 rewritten

It was a good kick off to the retreat. Now today, I have less time. I'm getting a haircut - which will be its own rejuvenating experience. And then I'm going to head to Natura Spa in K-Town, a smaller place and probably much more quiet. I'm trying to get more of the heavy lifting done. The last 35-40 pages of the play are the parts that need the most rewritten. So page-wise I might not get as much done, but the work will be more intense and dedicated. Not that yesterday was a breeze. I rewrote and changed a good deal. But today's work will be crafting a lot of brand new scenes. I already got that ten-minute play out the door. So I'm already feeling accomplished. That will help in the amount of work I'm able to get done today.

My intention today is to be open to what the Universe bring me.
My intention today is to be steady and patient.
My intention today is to be still.
My intention today is to be hopeful.
My intention today is to accept everything that I am gifted with today.

I am grateful for the money  I won.
I am grateful for my restorative two hour massage on Saturday.
I am grateful for twelve hours of steady work.
I am grateful for the new idea that popped into my head and that I emailed my executive about.
I am grateful that the ten minute play is done.
I am grateful that I finished the first 65 pages of the play.
I am grateful that I cut ten pages from the script so far.
I am grateful that I am full of ideas.
I am grateful that inspiration is flowing.

Community: What is Community?

I've been having fun writing these blog posts about community. I find myself a part of many different and diverse communities lately. I've been working in television. I'm a playwright. And I also teach (more on that community at some point soon). But so far I haven't written about the community I was born into - both as a child of people and as a member of three distinct marginalized cultures. Writing this new play has been a revelation in terms of writing about my cultural background. I have been affected by writing and presenting this play in ways that I hadn't anticipated. It seems to warrant a conversation about community in general.

I was on set today talking to an actor friend of mine. He is on our show and was in a reading of a play of mine a long time ago. I had a black binder in my lap - my new play, which I'm currently rewriting. And also rewriting in between takes and during set ups. I'm trying to use every moment I have to rewrite. I talked about how I never write about my family - except for the play he was in and this new play. I realized that this actor only knows me from those two reference points, so in his mind, it's not weird that I would be writing a new play about my family.

I'm rewriting a TV pilot which is about a family of chefs that also reflect my family's cultural background - being Chinese and Mexican. Two years ago, I wrote a screenplay based on my childhood as a kid obsessed with Woody Allen. I was never comfortable writing about myself or my family. I always thought I should be writing about "people" and not my specific story. Well, those stories often end up being about white people. But I wasn't raised as someone who ever felt a strong connection to my cultural background. I try to not fault my family for this, but they didn't want our ethnicity to hold us back.

However, I have no problem writing about being gay. I used to say it was easier because it was the culture I became a part of as an adult. I've always been gay. But I haven't always embraced the culture. I had no one to share it with growing up. So being gay is a part of my identity. Although, my ex boyfriend doesn't feel like he's gay in the traditional sense, so he's got a different relationship to his sexual orientation. Much like I have a different relationship to my race than other Asian or Latino friends. But writing about my life has made me closer to my family's story. I've embraced my origins - the family I was born into rather than the one I created. I love the family I've created - whether that's other gays, other brown people or other artists. I never want to be removed from that family.

I think - to answer my own question - that community is where you feel the most heard and the most understood. I have a community of writers because writers share certain commonalities and we all understand how hard it is to be creative. I have a community of gay friends because we have a shared experience of being bullied or misunderstood. I have a community of Asian and Latino friends because when they talk about their families, I feel like they could be talking about my own. I feel like I finally have that community that I was lacking as a kid.

When I was sitting around that rehearsal table at Center Theatre Group last week, I felt like I was with family. A lot of the actors looked like I could be related to them. But they also can hear their stories in the smallest details of mine. I don't have to define my culture for anyone outside of it. I was told by my manager to make my pilot characters more culturally specific. For whom? People outside of my culture? They'll get it. Just like I get their culture even though I'm not a part of it. Those stories resonate. The truth resonates. I love being a part of a community of like minded people. But I think I also need to be a part of communities that welcome me in, even though I'm not "one of their own." Community is whoever embraces you and celebrates you. And that could mean a lot of colors, ages, experiences and philosophies different from your own.

My intention is to work all week.
My intention is to open my mind, heart and soul.
My intention is to finish scripts.

I am grateful for the time I spend on set.
I am grateful for collaborators who listen.
I am grateful for all of the fun I'm having. 
I am grateful for everything I am learning.
I am grateful for the crew, the cast, and the creatives on this series.
I am grateful to be stretched to my limits.
I am grateful that I get to set new limits or no limits.