I've been in Portland for a week. I'm here for three more days. It has been relaxing. I've been spending time with my niece and nephews, my brother and sister-in-law, and catching up with old friends. Portland always feels like a warm blanket when I'm here. It's much better on vacation than it would be to live here full-time, which I almost did last year. I love coming here and eating well. I love how easy it is to get around. I love how beautiful it is here--the tree-lined streets, the organic food, the great conversations with friends who have known me for a long time and are thrilled and supportive of the good things that have happened in the past few months.
Being here in Portland has made me realize how tired I've been. I'm not an automaton. I can't push and push and push without replenishing the well, although I think I can. I spend my days listening to music and reading articles and writing, trying to make sure that I'm taking in as much as I'm putting out. Sometimes a change of location can provide a fresh perspective or just a fresh approach.
I was having dinner on my first night in town with two of my closest friends in Portland, Jeff and Andrea. And they said it seemed like this trip to Portland was about me taking a break for nine days because things were about to get busy, according to this psychic. My first thought was, "No, I need to use this time to get work done." Then I decided to listen to them. I always think I'm being lazy if I take some time for myself. Whenever I finish a project, my first thought the next day is, "What have I done?" I was watching an interview with Judd Apatow yesterday, who expressed the same sentiment. So at least I know I'm in good company and not the only crazy person who thinks this way--constantly doubting himself and pushing forward anyway. Listen, Judd Apatow has made an incredible career for himself and despite himself has been incredibly prolific and sensitive. This is my normal.
Spending time with my family and just focusing on having fun with the littles has been great. I have a lot to go back to when I get back to town. I will be busier than I ever thought I could be and I'm prepared for that. I don't know what's ahead in the next six months. The first six have been great and perhaps only a preparation for what's to come. I welcome that fully. This week has been good for me. I've been good to myself. I've laughed, I've cooked, I've shopped. I have some more of that ahead of me before I leave. My niece's seventh birthday is tomorrow. We're spending the day with her--my brother, sister-in-law and me--and we're making her day really special. It's nice to focus on someone who's not me. It's nice to not to be obsessed with the details of my daily life.
I work hard. I love my work. I'm grateful for every opportunity that has come my way--especially in the past several months. And it's good for me to not be so impressed with myself. It's good for me to have these little bright lights who smile just because I walked into the room and I saw them. They don't know the details of my own insecurity. It has been an invigorating visit for that I really needed it. I've done some trips--like to the Bay Area recently. But it really hasn't helped me in the way this trip has.
I still have work to do. I still have things that need attending to--a pilot rewrite, a play rewrite, and a possible series. This year hasn't worked out the way I thought it would. It worked out better than I could have imagined. And now the dreams are bigger. But my commitment to myself is also bigger. Coming to Portland and thinking that I almost lived here again…it would have been the wrong decision. I'm so glad I didn't get the job.
Portland was the beginning of me deciding to put myself first. And it ended my relationship. Ultimately, that wasn't a bad thing. It forced me to be honest with myself that I didn't want the life I was living. I loved my ex. But the life he wanted was the life he was living and not the life that we would have together. I realize that I made the choice to leave long before I left. And we both knew it. It's true that I was having doubts about my relationship. I knew it wasn't right for me even though on the surface, it was great. He's a sweetheart. But his heart is closed in a way. And he truthfully wasn't enough for me. But it's also true that I wanted it to work out. And yet it's also the truth that it wasn't going to work out. We were both pulling away in ways at that point. Portland would have been running away from my problems and it would have meant that I would have run toward something for the wrong reasons. An my heart knew that was well.
I'm scared of the next step. I'm scared of what this next adventure is because it seems like it's a big leap. But that's why I have to do it. That's why it's the next step. I remember watching countless episodes of "Inside the Actor's Studio" and all of these actors say that when a role comes to them, they do the one that scares them. It always seemed to cavalier and easy to me. Like, okay, I'll just do the thing that scares me because that's the noble thing. But doing the thing that scares you is jumping off the cliff and not knowing how the hell you're going to survive. But that's the only way to grow. I want to do the thing that scares me. And this time in Portland is about me reminding myself of what is important and good for me. Work is important. Being exhausted from work is important. And seeing those smiling faces and seeing their purity is important. Being reminded that I have a gift and I need to be true to it is important. They remind me of that.
The past five months have been a dry run. And now it's time to step into what's ahead of me.
I am grateful for a place to come to when I need to recharge.
I am grateful for down time.
I am grateful for reconnecting with great friends.
I am grateful for quiet.
I am grateful to catch up on the shows I haven't seen.
I am grateful for great art.
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