The activity of last weekend and the productivity of the first part of the week seems like a distant memory because I'm back in the classroom. Not a bad thing at all. But I transitioned directly into my other role…college professor. It's pretty wild to have an experience like I just had and then go back to teaching. It has been almost five months since I was teaching Playwriting in San Diego. I went through the experience of working on the show with my class. They got to see me through that entire transition. I lucked out that I only had seven students because it was easier to juggle both things without having to bring in any subs.
But I stand in front of 26 students, and I look into their bright smiling faces, with more experience behind me. I've always had plenty of experience as a writer and someone who has pitched shows around. I've had experience as a teacher and as a person who worked with writers in development. But now I've got the experience of being on set and writing two episodes of produced television. That's incredible. And with ALL of that experience, I can share with my students what I'm learning about the business. I'm also coming off of the high of a new play that I've written and a lot of artistic success and fulfillment. I look at success differently than I did maybe even a year ago. I'm doing what I love to do. I've done it without outside recognition. And I've done it with outside recognition. What makes it feel the same is that I've learned to validate myself through the process. I'm practicing what I preach - which is that the validation has to come from within.
The successes aren't the TV show or the accolades or even getting into the WGA. It's not the friends who tell me how proud they are of me or the mother who seems to be a bit more relaxed about my life choices. It's not my brother who has seemed to silence his judgment because he can see that I'm "doing something." The success is every day that I write. The success is meeting my own deadlines. The success is the completed script before anyone sees it. It's the new idea. It's the excitement. It's the exercise and practice of my craft and creativity. It's the new perspective I have from writing something I didn't know I could write. It's the curiosity I have that drives me to writing something new.
Right now I have no new ideas. I turned in my pilot to my manager. I finished my play. I've written two episodes of TV this year which are currently being edited. I finished a ten-minute play that's being produced in a festival next month. I even have a pilot outline that I finished in March that I'm ready to dive into and write a new pilot draft from. But nothing on the horizon after that. That's scary to me.
But that's the constant act of creation. Creating something from nothing. And I've had a lot of something for a long time. But now I'm back at nothing. That's humbling. That's what keeps me motivated and moving. If I'm just chasing the next paying gig - and that's the only thing I'm chasing - then how am I refilling my creativity tank. That's the thing that gives me life. The truth is that I'm constantly replenishing it because I'm reading things and I'm going to see films and I'm watching stuff on Netflix. It's not like I'm not doing any of that stuff. But knowing that I have nothing new I'm thinking about is what brings me back down to earth. All of these great "finished" products are what everyone is seeing because they're not seeing the behind the scenes struggle. And fortunately, they're responding positively to what they're seeing. But I know that the day after my big play reading and my big night out with friends and one very famous person, I had to go back and write. I had to nurse my hangover and get that pilot done. I had to break my cycle of getting a bunch done and then not overcoming my struggle with the last project on my list. I overcame that this week. That's the true success. I'm improving my habits - replacing the bad ones with good ones.
I stand in front of my class as THAT person. The person who has faced all the challenges and soldiered on. The person who still feels like a beginner - in front of the real beginners - and can speak to the fact that it doesn't change. It never changes. You always feel like you're starting over. So why not just do it. You're never going to feel like you've "done it" or "made it." You're never going to feel accomplished or satisfied. So keep going because this journey - like the journey of life - is endless. But you're never going to reach a ceiling. You're never going to feel like you've hit a wall because there's always a new challenge ahead. That can be a thrilling proposition or a depressing one.
The great thing is that we get to choose which proposition we want.
My intention is to be still.
My intention is to take a giant leap.
My intention is to look outside and see the wonderment and the beauty of nature.
My intention is to breathe and decide what's next.
I am grateful for a beautiful cloudy morning in San Diego.
I am grateful for the hospitality of a good friend.
I am grateful for the ability to visualize my surroundings.
I am grateful to know what I want.
I am grateful to be in the WGA as a full-fledged member.
I am grateful that life keeps getting fuller and more exciting.
I am grateful to hold onto my sense of self.
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