I Still Can't Believe It Sometimes

When someone says I'm smart…
When someone says that they love my writing…
When someone says that what I've done is special…
When someone says they're obsessed with my play…

I still have that feeling that they're talking about someone else. Or a character in a movie I'm watching. But not me. They can't be talking about me.

Isn't that sad? I suppose that could mean that I'm still in awe and that I'm humble. But mainly it makes me sad. I've had these four things said to me in the past two days and the first reaction is surprise. That doesn't mean I need to turn into some sort of egomaniac. I suppose it's surprising to me that I've amassed this much knowledge in the amount of time I've been writing.

I'm teaching a class at San Diego State on Writing for TV and Film. This past Thursday - in our fourth week of class - I decided that the lecture would switch from studying screenplay format to studying TV format. Full disclosure, I know a lot more about writing for TV than I do about writing for film. I have more experience. I worked in an office that managed TV writers and developed show ideas. I had a lot of first hand experience in TV development. And it's also my professional writing experience.

I stood in front of the class and talked for an hour and 45 minutes straight about the TV business and the development calendar. I could tell my students were a little overwhelmed. But they also had a ton of questions. I was letting them know that everything we were learning in class had practical applications. And I might have gotten some of them to look into a career in producing or development.

When I stand in front of my class every Thursday, I have to believe that I know what I'm talking about. Yet it still surprises me that I have so much to say. It still surprises me that I have a clear syllabus and a plan for the entire semester. But that's because of all that experience.

I'm making a living as a writer full-time. I am about to be a member of the Writer's Guild. Everything turned around for me this year. And it's continuing to turn around. I wrote my best play this year - and possibly the best thing I've ever written. And that play is the most personal thing, it's the most I've ever put myself on the line. And I realized something.

I am at my best when I put myself on the line like that. Not everything will be so autobiographical. But I have to leave absolutely everything on the page. The fact is that I have changed. I am different. Writing these plays the past two years has transformed me as a writer. I'm better, I'm deeper, I'm sharper. I can't expect to top myself. All I can do is continue to write and allow these opportunities to come. I'm incredibly lucky. Maybe that's why it's hard to believe. But I also work harder than a lot of people, so maybe it shouldn't be so hard to believe. I have the soreness and the scars to prove that I've earned every word.

My intention is to let go.
My intention is to grow.
My intention is to finish this pilot rewrite.

I am grateful for my writer's group.
I am grateful for support.
I am grateful for my creative friendships.