Continuing to Keep the Runway Clear

Earlier in the year, I had shared a story a friend of mine told me about a friend who told her about a dream in which there was a rocket ship looking to take her into the stratosphere of her dreams, but it couldn't find a place to land. My friend shared that story with me and it was a metaphor that really stuck with me. My friend was giving me advice and I took it. And really focused on not adding anything that might possibly take up space on my launching pad.

That visualization worked because a lot of opportunities were able to land because of it - and that made up most of my year. Now those things have come to pass and I'm keeping my path clear so that the rocket ship has a place to land and take me away.

I had a dream the other night about a plane I was in that had to make an emergency landing to a home. It was such a strong clear image that I immediately started looking up dream interpretations on Google. The main interpretation was about certain plans one has crashing to the ground. Well, of course that panicked me, thinking that all of these things I want to happen not happening and being out of my control. But of course, all of it is in my control. I had no idea what it meant as I started this paragraph and as I kept typing, things started to become clear.

I have spent the weekend - a three-day holiday weekend - with nothing to do and wanting to spend time with people - friends, dates, etc. I called a fuck buddy of mine to go to the movies. Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie tries to date her fuck buddy and it all goes disasterously wrong? Samantha tells her - "You can't date your fuck buddy!" I should listen to that. We went and saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It was sweet. We had a nice time and we went to lunch. But we struggled to find things to talk about. And I'm not interested. He's a very nice guy, but not interesting enough for me. I went out and answered a Craig's List ad yesterday and gave someone a massage and then there was a hook up. But I did it because I was lonely. I'm sitting here now feeling like it would really be nice to spend some time with someone. I've also been thinking about my ex a lot lately.

Going back to the dream - I was in a private jet. I don't remember who was on the jet with me, but I think it was people in my life who I adore and love. Friends who are also in the business. And then we very gently landed the plane in front of what was very much a HOME. My dreams won't take flight - not because of some weird out of control mishap, but because I'm not focused on my flight path. My flight path is to work and to be productive. I don't want to have to land the plane and I don't want to be HOME. I have to stop trying to date or trying to be interested in people. Now's not the time. I had a perfectly domestic and very boring life with someone I thought I loved. The way the plane landed was so genteel and non-dramatic. And we landed right in front of the house. It was like I was being drawn there. But I want to stay in the air. My very nice private plane with all the accoutrements wants to stay in the air. You see, I'm not flying commercial in my dreams - I'm flying private. This is my own personal journey I'm on. I have to stay in the air.

No hook ups. No substituting. I have to ride out the turbulence - and in this metaphor that turbulence is my loneliness. And it's okay because it's just an air pocket - or a patch of roughness. It will pass. I know that I'm really bad at taking breaks. I just finished a bunch of stuff and my body needs to rest. That's perfectly fine. It should rest. And I should see friends and have an active social life, but I shouldn't be trying to get attached to someone. Otherwise, the private plane is going to land in front of a house.

There's a guy I was crushing on. And this week I went to a play reading that he was in of a play that wasn't very good. I stood there backstage talking to him, trying to say nice things and there was his recent ex-boyfriend. I should have responded to the red flags, but I didn't. I left soon after, but it wasn't until now that I realize all of those things are red flags. He's a nice guy. Younger. I gave him a play of mine to read and he responded to it, but didn't have anything necessarily insightful to say. He thought this play was worth investing time in and producing (I think he's producing the reading or is involved in some way). The play was a shit show. He was all right in it. But I have a thing about guys that I'm involved with - I need to be turned on by their talent. I think he's great, but I don't think I'm there with him. And then he's got this ex-boyfriend who keeps showing up to things he's doing - and they're still living together.

I'm out.

The plane's staying in the air. This is what I need to keep clear off of my launch pad. My ex-boyfriend. Other distracting men. The idea of companionship right now. It's something I want for myself eventually, but I want this next chapter of my life to be about work. And travel. I want to go visit my friends in Atlanta. I want to go back to Europe next year. My best friend is working in Vancouver. I want to go see her. I want to spend more time in Portland with my brother and his family. I want to write on another TV show before the end of the year.  Preferably in the Fall. I want my life to be crazy busy juggling my teaching schedule - having to get my friend David to sub for me a few times this term - and working on season three of our show. I want the plane to stay in the air. I want to get a place of my own by the first of next year at the latest. If this year is the year of challenges, then I want next year to be the Year of Independence. And I want to build towards that.

The plane shouldn't panic and land in front of a house - or a relationship. It should land when it's ready in front of a job.

My intention is to keep the runway clear.
My intention is to keep the plane in the air.
My intention is focus on work.
My intention is to feed my soul with inspiration.

My intention is to travel more.

I am grateful for insight.
I am grateful for relaxing three day weekends.
I am grateful to be well-rested.
I am grateful for a break.
I am grateful for some good time to reflect.
I am grateful to not be overwhelmingly busy right now.