Be Happy

Yesterday, I went to my WGA New Member Orientation and I sat in a room of maybe about 75 writers who were all new to the WGA, including a friend of mine. In the presentation, a few Guild members talked about the gratification of being paid to write and how we all have done something that's near to impossible. The statistic is that you've got a better chance of being drafted by a major league baseball team than getting into the WGA. It made me think of the other impossible things I've done - like scoring in the top 1% of my incoming high school Freshman class in our entrance exam and getting a full ride to NYU. This was a dream of mine and it had come true.

At the end of the presentation, we each got a framed certificate acknowledging our entry into the Guild. I think it was the framed part that got me - this felt like a diploma of sorts. At the very least it was an achievement and to have that acknowledgement meant the world. My friend poo-pooed it a bit by saying he didn't need a framed certificate and made fun of it a bit. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him. I found out that he got into the WGA only a year before me and I had no idea. I took a picture of my framed certificate and put it on Facebook - 128 likes so far. I found it interesting that he became a member while we've known each other and I had no clue. I'm incredibly proud of being a member of my Guild and I'm excited to get involved in this community.

We went to the holiday party tonight together, my friend and I. And there had been some tension about a job I had recently gotten to teach at a prestigious private university. It was a job he had spoken to the university about and I got it. At the time, he seemed to be upset about it because it's something he wanted. The subject came up again tonight when someone asked him about the job and he pointed to me and said that I got the job. I didn't want to discuss it in front of someone else. But it was brought up and I had to acknowledge to my friend that I felt uncomfortable. On the ride home, he assured me that he was happy for me and only wants the best for me, which I believe. I told him that the part that hurt my feelings was that he asked me if I was taking the job once I found out our show was coming back. I want to still teach even though I'm staffed. I can make it work and I plan to.

In his need to know that we're okay - which we are - he mentioned that he wanted to make sure that I knew he thought I deserved it. I told him that my hurt wasn't about feeling like he thought I didn't deserve it. My hurt came from him asking if I was turning down the job. I told him that I didn't care whether or not he thought I deserved it. And he seemed to take offense to that or thought I made a blunt statement. But I'm not hurt because I think he thinks I don't deserve it.

The great RuPaul has a saying, "What other people think of me is none of my business." And I try to live by that saying. What my friend thinks of me is none of my business and it has no relevance on how I feel about the job. I know I deserve it. Nothing's shaking that. I'm not sure if he was thrown by the fact that I said it didn't matter what he thought. That sounds harsh, but it's true. That does not penetrate me. He can think I don't deserve it, but that does not change my opinion that I do. Nothing can shake that. I also know I deserve to have my staff job and my two teaching jobs.

Now that I look at this situation closer, I know that my friend remarked to me that he really wanted to be involved in the theatre company that asked me to join as a member. And for the record, we love his work and we're doing a workshop in the Spring. But me joining the company does not change how the company feels about him - it doesn't mean that they like him any less. Yet I feel like my friend thinks that.

My whole life I have held myself back for these very reasons. I never wanted someone to feel bad because of something I did or something that happened to me. I have a lot of friendships where I don't deal with that.

I made the choice a while back that I have to be happy for what I have and not unhappy for what I don't have. At that party tonight, I felt like I was in a community. I was with writers who had sold things and staffed on shows. We were in this club where people have had success. My friend had sold two pilots to get into the WGA. Everyone at that party had to be successful in order to be there because that success led to them joining the Guild.

A year ago, if this had happened, I would have spent time affirming my friend of how incredible and amazing he is because I felt guilty for my success. I didn't do that - not because I'm an asshole, but because I don't have to compensate for good things that have recently happened to me. He even acknowledged that he needed affirmation after he affirmed that he thought I deserved everything that happened and that he was happy for me. His immediate reaction was, "Now you tell me something great about me." I did it and I meant it. But as I'm typing this now, I'm realizing how fucked up that is.

And by the way, I sent my friend an email this afternoon telling him how great I thought his new play is and we're doing a workshop of it soon. I didn't send him an email telling me how much I love love love his play and then ask him to then say something nice about me. My friend's having a hard time and is spiraling. And as a friend, I love him and I support him. But it's hard when you realize that someone is happy for you with certain conditions and needs you to make them feel good about themselves. Some might say that's friendship. And I love to tell my friends how much I love and support them, but I want that to be my idea. Not theirs.

It goes back to something another friend and I were taking about today. Be happy. Acknowledge and love what you have and don't focus on what you don't have. If I'm not working, I have a lot of time on my hands and I try to make the most of that. I also have moments where I have some money and the opportunity to go somewhere and write for a week. Or visit a friend in another city. Or just hit the road and not think so hard. Tomorrow, I go to Vegas for a week to write. I need to make use of this time before I start on the show. I want to be supportive of my friend, but ultimately I have to make sure I devote the time I need to getting my work done. I can't let anything get in the way of that. I guess that's why I'm single and why I need to be. I love my friend and I want him to be happy. That's it. I hope he can get out of this funk soon.

My intention is love.
My intention is open mindedness.
My intention is acceptance.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is clarity. 
My intention is growth.

I am grateful for new writer communities in my life.
I am grateful for my voice.
I am grateful for my power.
I am grateful for knowing who I am and what I want.