Today I worked. I had been thinking a lot about the ideas I want to bring forward, but today I actually wrote pages. And the pages I wrote were scary because I'm so afraid of fucking up what I'm writing. The struggle for me in writing this pilot is feeling like I don't have anything significant to say in opposition to the plays I'm writing. The plays I'm writing seem full of meaning. This feels a little bit like a means to an end. I'm writing a pilot as a writing sample to get staffed. It's been hard to get it up for something that just feels like a writing sample.
But as I've been in Vegas and I've thought about what this story means to me and the idea of a Latina woman trying to persevere in the 1970s in New York as an intellectual in a world that doesn't champion intellectual women of color. I don't even know if we were using term widely back in 1975 - woman of color or person of color. Those rights and representations wouldn't come in to public consciousness until decades later. This story feels important to tell because it's important to me.
I've had a week in Vegas so far where I've done a lot of soul searching and opening up emotionally. I spent a day with my ex-boyfriend working through a lot of emotions. And those emotions have made their way into this pilot rewrite. We broke up because I had chosen my career over him - and he knew it. And part of my motivation is to make sure that I chose wisely because I have an important mission and purpose in life. When I sat down to it, I realized that this pilot says so much about the person I am right now. And it has the potential to say a lot about where we are as a country right now. Once I click into the relevance of something, it starts to make sense in terms of what I should be working on.
I want to write a pilot that feels as impactful to me as the plays I'm writing. Otherwise, it feels like "What's the point?" And honestly, I'm not really motivated to do any work. Like it or not, I'm motivated by things that move me. Now that I have an idea of what this pilot means to me personally, it's easier to work on.
I wrote a bunch of notes on what my main character is experiencing. And as I took the beginning of the pilot - the first scene - and reworked it, it started to make more sense. It's still a mess in some ways, but it's a more manageable mess now. I wrote the four page new opening. I think there are still some edits and some focus to do. But then I should be ready to work on the rest of the story and finding a new way to introduce my main character. I bought a Groupon to a Korean spa in town to do work and so I'm going to do that. That always helps me, to go to a K Spa and get some work done. I'm hoping to rewrite/rebreak the first half of the pilot.
I feel like the work I've done so far on this trip has been effective and constructive. I've taken some time for myself on this trip as well. But I've really been able to have the mental and physical space to get the necessary work done.
I'm excited about the work I'm going to be doing today. It feels good to be taking this time to work on this project. I'm psyched to dig further into this world. And I'm happy that I made the time for my own work before life gets hectic in January on my show and with my teaching.
My intention is to work hard.
My intention is to do it all.
My intention is freedom.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is to teach and to work.
My intention is to let everything happen.
My intention is to let go.
I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for opportunity.
I am grateful for the good fortune I've had this year.
I am grateful for people who tell me this is only the beginning.
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