But yesterday, I spent some time with my ex, The Drummer. And we had lunch and talked a lot. We also ran some errands. But most of the day was spent together, aside from when we came back to the hotel and both did a little bit of work.
That was needed. And that was a part of my own personal healing that needed to be done yesterday. We haven't spent an extended amount of time together since we broke up. And getting to friendship has been a real struggle, especially since I found out he started a serious relationship a month after we broke up. We realize we have a strong connection still and spending time and talking through our emotions helped. We're committed to our friendship and enough time has passed where we've buried the other relationship for this one to exist.
I don't feel like I cheated myself out of a work day. I worked for four or five hours yesterday. I took notes and I woke up this morning trying to figure out some music to play over the top of the script. Maybe that seems like procrastination. But it really puts me in the mood.
Of course, I'm revving up to write a three page sequence. And I'm discovering new things about my main character I didn't know before. I'm taking the time necessary. I have all day. I don't have to punch out. He leaves later this morning/early afternoon. Working out some of my personal shit and having deep conversations always helps the writing. It allows me to go deep into my emotional reserves. I also understand that pursuing the thing I wanted and that I started attaining this year was the right thing to do. I had to forgive myself for choosing myself over the relationship. And while that seems like a no-brainer - for a caretaker like me, I had to go through that process. To hear him talk about that and to say that he doesn't hold any resentment helps. Maybe it shouldn't matter. Maybe I should be stronger than that. But I'm a sensitive being. I have to be a sensitive being in order to be an artist. I can't give that up or build walls around myself for everyone.
I think that's the big lesson The Drummer taught me. I don't have to always have my walls up. I can trust that people are going to be good and going to be on my side. I'm also discovering this different relationship that doesn't involve romantic love. We both love each other and both know how important we are to each other. We remain connected even though we are apart. We have this thing where we have always seen the number 11. He saw it before me. And I started seeing it when we were together and I've continued to see it even after we've been apart. I resented the fact that I would continue to see them because I felt it meant I wasn't moving on. But the Universe was relentless. It continued to put 11s in front of me.
Yesterday, when he called me to say he was on his way, it was 12:11. And then when he put his watch on me so I could try it on to see how it felt, it was 11:11. So we're connected, despite my feelings of needing to define our relationship a certain way. Because we're exes we're supposed to have distance because saying "I love you" is a slippery slope. I'm absolutely clear that I love him and am not in love with him. And it's not because he's in a relationship. That has made it easier to separate my feelings. But our relationship was meant to be this. It was meant to be supportive and platonic. He's sleeping in the bed next to mine right now. It didn't go anywhere romantic. We did not cross a line or even get close to crossing a line. But we crossed a threshold yesterday. We're going to find a way to remain in each other's lives, on each other's terms. That means that we won't see each other a lot. It means that he'll only call me when he's on the road to a gig. But it also means that the time we make for each other won't be crammed or rushed - like it was when we were together. We're friends who had to take a while to get to this place. He's not the right guy for me, for a number of significant reasons. And I'm not the right guy for him for different significant reasons. But we can arrive at a good place and occupy a space in each other's lives that doesn't exclude the other relationships in our lives.
I've reached a place of better self acceptance in my life. And that has significance in my writing. I write from a place of being okay with everything that I am. And so as I enter Day Three of this Writers Retreat experience, I can feel like bring that openness and self acceptance to the work. I want to write that sequence today and I want to get through the first half of this pilot rewrite during this trip. I'd like to have enough to finish it. But that's the main part I want to get to.
And I've got some deeper things to write with the play I'm working on. And maybe I can get there as well. The good news is that I still have next week and all of the time I'm in Portland. But the heavy lifting happens here because it's the only dedicated time I have. Sometimes just having that time, despite what may or may not get done is the important part. I have made a space for myself and honored my muse.
My intention is awareness.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to sit and work.
My intention is to be.
My intention is to show up.
I am grateful for my friend.
I am grateful for my self acceptance.
I am grateful for the love I show myself
I am grateful for the care I give and receive.
I am grateful that I am not just a caregiver.
I am grateful that I have come into my own.
I am grateful that I am an official member of the WGA and that means something to me.
I am grateful that I can celebrate.
I am grateful that I can love.
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