My last full day of this writer's retreat went well. It started out rough - with two beers in the morning and then some buzzed blogging. But it freed me up and by the time I got back from lunch and the Korean Spa at 3 PM, I was ready to work. And I did a lot of work. I took a couple of breaks, but didn't really finish up until 11:30 PM and I was spent.
I rebroke the outline. I had figured out some key character moments that I needed to figure out. It was really good over all. I have a much clearer arc for my main character going through the pilot. There's a lot that will be changed.
What about "actual writing?" I wrote four pages of a new opener that still needs to be fixed. But the work I did structurally is going to make that rewrite so much easier. I'm no longer the kind of writer who can just write and write hoping to get somewhere. Not with my TV and Film work anyway. I need to know where I'm going. And this writer's retreat was a massive success for that. I needed to get away to clear my head.
From the moment I got into town, ideas started flowing. The fantasy is that I get here and by Friday I have a fully realized rewrite. Writing doesn't work that way. Especially when you take time to take a hard look at structural issues. The hope is that the more you get specific about the problems in your script - and the more you work - the faster that problem solving becomes. And I'm much more in tune with how to fix that stuff now. I'm in a race to get my own stuff done because I go back to work on January 2nd.
Going back to work on a show can be a thrilling and scary thing at the same time. It's thrilling because time passes more quickly when you're in a room with other writers and group thinking. That I love. This will be my second time in the room, so I've learned a lot about how my ideas translate on the page. I have more confidence than I did a year ago. But what the whole process of being on staff has taught me is how to think fast and work fast. That's an incredible skill - to not be precious about everything. And it's scary because it means that the personal creative work takes a back seat for a bit. The money and the company are great - so that's what I try and focus on when I'm in the room. I try to focus on the things that I have versus the things I don't. My skills improve when I'm in the room. And I take those skills and put it into my own personal work when I'm not in the room. I also hone my skills for the room when I'm teaching. So I'm excited to bring that with me into the room as well.
That's all to say that the work I did this week was important. Because I'll be working on the script in this following week before I have to sit down between Christmas and New Years and grade my student work. So the work happening Sunday, Monday and Tuesday will be the work on the actual script. With the structural work I did, I can get a solid draft done in a few days. That won't be too hard. I know what I'm capable of doing.
And today I leave. I'm doing some recapping of what I worked on during the last four days in my journal for the project. I'm doing this blog. I had some good personal time as well as some productive time. I'm really grateful. This was money well spent and time well spent. It's a good thing.
My intention is work.
My intention is focus.
My intention is growth and expansion.
My intention is to bear fruit.
My intention is results.
My intention is open heartedness.
My intention is readiness.
My intention is to do it all.
I am grateful for four days in Vegas in a hotel room to myself.
I am grateful to spend time with my ex-boyfriend and to solidify a friendship.
I am grateful for the affirmation that I am in the right place and doing the right thing.
I am grateful for many good nights sleep.
I am grateful for a writing retreat that was productive.
I am grateful for my own space.
I am grateful for friends who checked in on me.
I am grateful for my community of writers who keep me productive and honest.
I am grateful for the knowledge that I am on the right track.
I am grateful for certainty.
Showing posts with label retreat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retreat. Show all posts
Friday, December 16, 2016
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Writers Retreat: Day Three Recap
Today I worked. I had been thinking a lot about the ideas I want to bring forward, but today I actually wrote pages. And the pages I wrote were scary because I'm so afraid of fucking up what I'm writing. The struggle for me in writing this pilot is feeling like I don't have anything significant to say in opposition to the plays I'm writing. The plays I'm writing seem full of meaning. This feels a little bit like a means to an end. I'm writing a pilot as a writing sample to get staffed. It's been hard to get it up for something that just feels like a writing sample.
But as I've been in Vegas and I've thought about what this story means to me and the idea of a Latina woman trying to persevere in the 1970s in New York as an intellectual in a world that doesn't champion intellectual women of color. I don't even know if we were using term widely back in 1975 - woman of color or person of color. Those rights and representations wouldn't come in to public consciousness until decades later. This story feels important to tell because it's important to me.
I've had a week in Vegas so far where I've done a lot of soul searching and opening up emotionally. I spent a day with my ex-boyfriend working through a lot of emotions. And those emotions have made their way into this pilot rewrite. We broke up because I had chosen my career over him - and he knew it. And part of my motivation is to make sure that I chose wisely because I have an important mission and purpose in life. When I sat down to it, I realized that this pilot says so much about the person I am right now. And it has the potential to say a lot about where we are as a country right now. Once I click into the relevance of something, it starts to make sense in terms of what I should be working on.
I want to write a pilot that feels as impactful to me as the plays I'm writing. Otherwise, it feels like "What's the point?" And honestly, I'm not really motivated to do any work. Like it or not, I'm motivated by things that move me. Now that I have an idea of what this pilot means to me personally, it's easier to work on.
I wrote a bunch of notes on what my main character is experiencing. And as I took the beginning of the pilot - the first scene - and reworked it, it started to make more sense. It's still a mess in some ways, but it's a more manageable mess now. I wrote the four page new opening. I think there are still some edits and some focus to do. But then I should be ready to work on the rest of the story and finding a new way to introduce my main character. I bought a Groupon to a Korean spa in town to do work and so I'm going to do that. That always helps me, to go to a K Spa and get some work done. I'm hoping to rewrite/rebreak the first half of the pilot.
I feel like the work I've done so far on this trip has been effective and constructive. I've taken some time for myself on this trip as well. But I've really been able to have the mental and physical space to get the necessary work done.
I'm excited about the work I'm going to be doing today. It feels good to be taking this time to work on this project. I'm psyched to dig further into this world. And I'm happy that I made the time for my own work before life gets hectic in January on my show and with my teaching.
My intention is to work hard.
My intention is to do it all.
My intention is freedom.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is to teach and to work.
My intention is to let everything happen.
My intention is to let go.
I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for opportunity.
I am grateful for the good fortune I've had this year.
I am grateful for people who tell me this is only the beginning.
But as I've been in Vegas and I've thought about what this story means to me and the idea of a Latina woman trying to persevere in the 1970s in New York as an intellectual in a world that doesn't champion intellectual women of color. I don't even know if we were using term widely back in 1975 - woman of color or person of color. Those rights and representations wouldn't come in to public consciousness until decades later. This story feels important to tell because it's important to me.
I've had a week in Vegas so far where I've done a lot of soul searching and opening up emotionally. I spent a day with my ex-boyfriend working through a lot of emotions. And those emotions have made their way into this pilot rewrite. We broke up because I had chosen my career over him - and he knew it. And part of my motivation is to make sure that I chose wisely because I have an important mission and purpose in life. When I sat down to it, I realized that this pilot says so much about the person I am right now. And it has the potential to say a lot about where we are as a country right now. Once I click into the relevance of something, it starts to make sense in terms of what I should be working on.
I want to write a pilot that feels as impactful to me as the plays I'm writing. Otherwise, it feels like "What's the point?" And honestly, I'm not really motivated to do any work. Like it or not, I'm motivated by things that move me. Now that I have an idea of what this pilot means to me personally, it's easier to work on.
I wrote a bunch of notes on what my main character is experiencing. And as I took the beginning of the pilot - the first scene - and reworked it, it started to make more sense. It's still a mess in some ways, but it's a more manageable mess now. I wrote the four page new opening. I think there are still some edits and some focus to do. But then I should be ready to work on the rest of the story and finding a new way to introduce my main character. I bought a Groupon to a Korean spa in town to do work and so I'm going to do that. That always helps me, to go to a K Spa and get some work done. I'm hoping to rewrite/rebreak the first half of the pilot.
I feel like the work I've done so far on this trip has been effective and constructive. I've taken some time for myself on this trip as well. But I've really been able to have the mental and physical space to get the necessary work done.
I'm excited about the work I'm going to be doing today. It feels good to be taking this time to work on this project. I'm psyched to dig further into this world. And I'm happy that I made the time for my own work before life gets hectic in January on my show and with my teaching.
My intention is to work hard.
My intention is to do it all.
My intention is freedom.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is to teach and to work.
My intention is to let everything happen.
My intention is to let go.
I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for opportunity.
I am grateful for the good fortune I've had this year.
I am grateful for people who tell me this is only the beginning.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Writers Retreat: Day Two Recap
I started the day strong. I woke up early and had my tea and Larrabar and went to the gym like a good boy. I came back to the room and did more work on the beginning of the script, thinking about how to construct the new beginning of the script. I took a lot of notes.
But yesterday, I spent some time with my ex, The Drummer. And we had lunch and talked a lot. We also ran some errands. But most of the day was spent together, aside from when we came back to the hotel and both did a little bit of work.
That was needed. And that was a part of my own personal healing that needed to be done yesterday. We haven't spent an extended amount of time together since we broke up. And getting to friendship has been a real struggle, especially since I found out he started a serious relationship a month after we broke up. We realize we have a strong connection still and spending time and talking through our emotions helped. We're committed to our friendship and enough time has passed where we've buried the other relationship for this one to exist.
I don't feel like I cheated myself out of a work day. I worked for four or five hours yesterday. I took notes and I woke up this morning trying to figure out some music to play over the top of the script. Maybe that seems like procrastination. But it really puts me in the mood.
Of course, I'm revving up to write a three page sequence. And I'm discovering new things about my main character I didn't know before. I'm taking the time necessary. I have all day. I don't have to punch out. He leaves later this morning/early afternoon. Working out some of my personal shit and having deep conversations always helps the writing. It allows me to go deep into my emotional reserves. I also understand that pursuing the thing I wanted and that I started attaining this year was the right thing to do. I had to forgive myself for choosing myself over the relationship. And while that seems like a no-brainer - for a caretaker like me, I had to go through that process. To hear him talk about that and to say that he doesn't hold any resentment helps. Maybe it shouldn't matter. Maybe I should be stronger than that. But I'm a sensitive being. I have to be a sensitive being in order to be an artist. I can't give that up or build walls around myself for everyone.
I think that's the big lesson The Drummer taught me. I don't have to always have my walls up. I can trust that people are going to be good and going to be on my side. I'm also discovering this different relationship that doesn't involve romantic love. We both love each other and both know how important we are to each other. We remain connected even though we are apart. We have this thing where we have always seen the number 11. He saw it before me. And I started seeing it when we were together and I've continued to see it even after we've been apart. I resented the fact that I would continue to see them because I felt it meant I wasn't moving on. But the Universe was relentless. It continued to put 11s in front of me.
Yesterday, when he called me to say he was on his way, it was 12:11. And then when he put his watch on me so I could try it on to see how it felt, it was 11:11. So we're connected, despite my feelings of needing to define our relationship a certain way. Because we're exes we're supposed to have distance because saying "I love you" is a slippery slope. I'm absolutely clear that I love him and am not in love with him. And it's not because he's in a relationship. That has made it easier to separate my feelings. But our relationship was meant to be this. It was meant to be supportive and platonic. He's sleeping in the bed next to mine right now. It didn't go anywhere romantic. We did not cross a line or even get close to crossing a line. But we crossed a threshold yesterday. We're going to find a way to remain in each other's lives, on each other's terms. That means that we won't see each other a lot. It means that he'll only call me when he's on the road to a gig. But it also means that the time we make for each other won't be crammed or rushed - like it was when we were together. We're friends who had to take a while to get to this place. He's not the right guy for me, for a number of significant reasons. And I'm not the right guy for him for different significant reasons. But we can arrive at a good place and occupy a space in each other's lives that doesn't exclude the other relationships in our lives.
I've reached a place of better self acceptance in my life. And that has significance in my writing. I write from a place of being okay with everything that I am. And so as I enter Day Three of this Writers Retreat experience, I can feel like bring that openness and self acceptance to the work. I want to write that sequence today and I want to get through the first half of this pilot rewrite during this trip. I'd like to have enough to finish it. But that's the main part I want to get to.
And I've got some deeper things to write with the play I'm working on. And maybe I can get there as well. The good news is that I still have next week and all of the time I'm in Portland. But the heavy lifting happens here because it's the only dedicated time I have. Sometimes just having that time, despite what may or may not get done is the important part. I have made a space for myself and honored my muse.
My intention is awareness.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to sit and work.
My intention is to be.
My intention is to show up.
I am grateful for my friend.
I am grateful for my self acceptance.
I am grateful for the love I show myself
I am grateful for the care I give and receive.
I am grateful that I am not just a caregiver.
I am grateful that I have come into my own.
I am grateful that I am an official member of the WGA and that means something to me.
I am grateful that I can celebrate.
I am grateful that I can love.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Writers Retreat: Day One Recap
I arrived in Vegas around 3 PM, checked into my room, which has two queen sized beds, a desk, a sitting area with a coffee table and a lot of room to dance around in. I usually like two queen beds as opposed to one bed because one bed can be for sleeping and the second can be for working. Working usually means my lap top and me on the bed. Or it can mean taking out my notecards and sprawling them across the bed. My ex happens to be in the area for work and is going to be staying with me overnight, so the extra bed is for him as well this time around. But I like to have as many work areas as possible.
I set up my research books on the coffee table. I put my snacks and teas on the desk. My room has a coffee maker - I don't drink coffee - so I brought non-caffinated teas and sea salt caramels to reward myself when I've done something good. I'm like a dog with treats. I put my toiletries in the bathroom immediately and unpacked some clothes. I like to have everything in order right when I check in. It feels like I'm anointing the space. I'm sitting on the sofa right now. This is probably where I will be perched most of the time I'm here. But if I'm working through an idea, it helps to have many spaces to work in because I've tricked myself into believing that switching locations in a room shifts my brain. It could very well true. But it's also a lie I tell myself. There's also a club chair I can sit in across from me. I've got about four positions I can be in, which is perfect.
I thought I was the only person who did the hotel in Vegas thing. But turns out, it's a thing! My friend Ruth's husband, who's a very well-known and successful TV writer and graphic novelist, does the same thing. I'm sure he holes up somewhere a bit fancier than me. But maybe not. The allure of Vegas is that the hotel rooms are cheap. I'm staying in a casino off the strip, but it's not WAY off the strip and it's not a Motel 6. I stayed on the strip last time I was in town doing this and I loved the deal I got on the hotel. But any time I wanted to drive off the strip to Whole Foods - there's one very conveniently located so that I can go get a morning cup of bone broth or I can stock up on some healthy snacks or raid the food bar on Wednesdays when the price goes down $1.50 per pound - it would take me about 20 minutes just to get off the strip. This hotel is still close to a lot of things, but it's near my godmother, who lives here. It has a movie theatre. It has a TGI Fridays and a Fuddruckers. Not that I love those two establishments, but the great thing about the Fridays is that they have happy hour from 3-7 and again from 9p-2a. That means $6 appetizers and cheap drinks. The other hotel drove up their prices. The chains in this hotel don't really drive up their prices. The resort fee is also cheaper, so the per room fee might be $5-10 more, but the overall price is cheaper because the resort fee is half of what it was at the hotel on the strip. I can travel around more freely. And there are tons of great cheap hole in the wall restaurants close to my hotel. I come to Vegas for my favorite cheap buffet off the strip in Henderson - $9.99 for lunch and $14.99 for dinner. Although I haven't had dinner there yet. But a $10 lunch with a drink plus a two dollar tip, is a bargain. And I can usually get away with two meals a day. Ruth's husband loves it because he can order room service and not have to move. There's something to that as well. But I really love that I can take a break and get some fresh air and come right back to it. Also, I could camp out at the Fridays and use that as another office space. It's all pretty great here.
I went and got a snack at the Friday's. I brought my script and took notes. Then I came back up to the room and did some more work on the script. All note taking right now. I have to fix the opening of the pilot and I have to make sure my story has a clear protagonist. Most of the script in the second half works. It's the first half that needs more push. What will happen - what always happens - is that the script changes entirely because you can't just change the first half and expect it will all stay the same.
Not bad for a first half day of work. Today is Day Two and I'll report more on the entire day later. But I'm up at my computer at 9 in the morning starting my process, which is usually a blog entry. It gets my fingers going. It gets my brain awake. I've already exercised and had two cups of tea. My ex gets here around 1 PM and then we're going to lunch and hanging out. But I've got work to do as well when he's here. I'm not stopping just because he's here. He's not the reason I'm here. The reason I'm here is to work. I want to get a firm idea for the rewrite and then to start rewriting as soon as I can. I'm spending the morning thinking about how to open the script. I feel like that will take some construction. Then the content can flow from that. But I want to set up the context and the world of the story before I introduce our two innocents into the story. I'm pouring all of myself into this rewrite because I won't be able to pick it up again until the Spring most likely. And I want this to be another sample we use.
Okay, back to work.
My intention is productivity.
My intention is work.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is openness.
I am grateful for this hotel room.
I am grateful for the ability to take the time to be here for four days.
I am grateful for the ability to afford to do this.
I am grateful for the ideas I've already had.
I set up my research books on the coffee table. I put my snacks and teas on the desk. My room has a coffee maker - I don't drink coffee - so I brought non-caffinated teas and sea salt caramels to reward myself when I've done something good. I'm like a dog with treats. I put my toiletries in the bathroom immediately and unpacked some clothes. I like to have everything in order right when I check in. It feels like I'm anointing the space. I'm sitting on the sofa right now. This is probably where I will be perched most of the time I'm here. But if I'm working through an idea, it helps to have many spaces to work in because I've tricked myself into believing that switching locations in a room shifts my brain. It could very well true. But it's also a lie I tell myself. There's also a club chair I can sit in across from me. I've got about four positions I can be in, which is perfect.
I thought I was the only person who did the hotel in Vegas thing. But turns out, it's a thing! My friend Ruth's husband, who's a very well-known and successful TV writer and graphic novelist, does the same thing. I'm sure he holes up somewhere a bit fancier than me. But maybe not. The allure of Vegas is that the hotel rooms are cheap. I'm staying in a casino off the strip, but it's not WAY off the strip and it's not a Motel 6. I stayed on the strip last time I was in town doing this and I loved the deal I got on the hotel. But any time I wanted to drive off the strip to Whole Foods - there's one very conveniently located so that I can go get a morning cup of bone broth or I can stock up on some healthy snacks or raid the food bar on Wednesdays when the price goes down $1.50 per pound - it would take me about 20 minutes just to get off the strip. This hotel is still close to a lot of things, but it's near my godmother, who lives here. It has a movie theatre. It has a TGI Fridays and a Fuddruckers. Not that I love those two establishments, but the great thing about the Fridays is that they have happy hour from 3-7 and again from 9p-2a. That means $6 appetizers and cheap drinks. The other hotel drove up their prices. The chains in this hotel don't really drive up their prices. The resort fee is also cheaper, so the per room fee might be $5-10 more, but the overall price is cheaper because the resort fee is half of what it was at the hotel on the strip. I can travel around more freely. And there are tons of great cheap hole in the wall restaurants close to my hotel. I come to Vegas for my favorite cheap buffet off the strip in Henderson - $9.99 for lunch and $14.99 for dinner. Although I haven't had dinner there yet. But a $10 lunch with a drink plus a two dollar tip, is a bargain. And I can usually get away with two meals a day. Ruth's husband loves it because he can order room service and not have to move. There's something to that as well. But I really love that I can take a break and get some fresh air and come right back to it. Also, I could camp out at the Fridays and use that as another office space. It's all pretty great here.
I went and got a snack at the Friday's. I brought my script and took notes. Then I came back up to the room and did some more work on the script. All note taking right now. I have to fix the opening of the pilot and I have to make sure my story has a clear protagonist. Most of the script in the second half works. It's the first half that needs more push. What will happen - what always happens - is that the script changes entirely because you can't just change the first half and expect it will all stay the same.
Not bad for a first half day of work. Today is Day Two and I'll report more on the entire day later. But I'm up at my computer at 9 in the morning starting my process, which is usually a blog entry. It gets my fingers going. It gets my brain awake. I've already exercised and had two cups of tea. My ex gets here around 1 PM and then we're going to lunch and hanging out. But I've got work to do as well when he's here. I'm not stopping just because he's here. He's not the reason I'm here. The reason I'm here is to work. I want to get a firm idea for the rewrite and then to start rewriting as soon as I can. I'm spending the morning thinking about how to open the script. I feel like that will take some construction. Then the content can flow from that. But I want to set up the context and the world of the story before I introduce our two innocents into the story. I'm pouring all of myself into this rewrite because I won't be able to pick it up again until the Spring most likely. And I want this to be another sample we use.
Okay, back to work.
My intention is productivity.
My intention is work.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is openness.
I am grateful for this hotel room.
I am grateful for the ability to take the time to be here for four days.
I am grateful for the ability to afford to do this.
I am grateful for the ideas I've already had.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Writer's Retreat: The Day Before...
I'm heading on a writer's retreat. I've done two of these before. One in 2015 where I went away to Monterey for a week and a half to get work done on two scripts I was writing. That work led to me taking an office and having an extended writers retreat for five months. Then I went away earlier this year for four days in Vegas. I've done a few week long retreats to the Korean Spa every day. Every time I've done this, it has been productive. Something about getting away and having space to write. Something about indulging myself. Every time it feels more indulgent than necessary, even though it's really more necessary than indulgent. Sometimes I'll feel like other writer friends will say, "Oh, really. Must be nice." I'm sure fewer of them are saying that than I think. But that's part of my personal noise about taking time for myself to do something productive.
Sometimes being a writer feels indulgent. Like I get to put my thoughts down on paper and assume that they'll matter to someone. But in a political climate where words do matter and my words as a gay person of color add to the conversation, writing is more necessary than ever. So it's that spirit I will try to latch onto when I check into my hotel in Vegas tomorrow.
I always have that voice in my head - "I'm here to write. And nothing else." Of course, I always make time to relax and to hook up. That's part of the equation. That's part of the freedom. That's part of being on the clock 24 hours a day. I can write from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. And I can wake up at 5 AM to write and I can take naps and I can go to bed at 2 AM. I can make room for all of it.
I know what I'm writing. I'm working on a pilot rewrite that I've been meaning to finish. I should also work on the pitches I had been preparing earlier this month and the pilot ideas I'm thinking about writing next year. I started a new play and that would be nice to do some work on. Also, there's a new play idea I'd like to do some exploratory work on - research, mostly. At the end of the retreat, I'd like to have a new play written and this pilot finished. The other stuff can be what I work on to procrastinate when I'm not engrossed in one of the other two projects.
This retreat is the only time I'll have to myself for awhile. I go on vacation for the holidays to see my brother and his family in Portland. And that will be family time and rejuvenating in its own way for its own reasons. That should be mainly relaxation time because that's the only time I'll have to get away to chill out until possibly some time in the Spring when maybe I'll plan a get away during Spring Break. I'll have a quick weekend in Vancouver in late February/early March for a postponed birthday trip. This will be some good me time because it's work time and also because I'll have a hotel room to myself for four days.
I'm bringing my favorite lounge outfit, which can double as a workout outfit. I'm bringing my favorite healthy snacks and some books. I'm bringing sea salt caramels from Trader Joe's. I'll end up going to the Whole Foods in Vegas for some meals. I'm a fan of the Wednesday salad bar at Whole Foods when it's discounted. I like having some bone broth from their bone broth bar. I'll try and work out while I'm there, maybe even grab some time at the pool if the weather is warm enough. I need this get away. I'm going to try avoiding shopping at the outlet mall, but my favorite store is there and I'm going to have to try and see if there's anything interesting on the sample rack.
Right now, I'm washing clothes to make sure I've got comfy stuff to wear that will make me feel very writerly. I've got note cards and note pads and pens. I've got music on my iPhone. I'm ready. I hope. I'll have two beds - one for working and one for sleeping. Or one for sleeping and one for sleeping around. One way or another. I'm excited to end the year this way. That's for sure.
My intention is openness.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is mindfulness.
I am grateful for a car to get me to my destination.
I am grateful for a hotel I like spending time in.
I am grateful for a whole world to get lost in.
I am grateful for work that keeps me interested.
Sometimes being a writer feels indulgent. Like I get to put my thoughts down on paper and assume that they'll matter to someone. But in a political climate where words do matter and my words as a gay person of color add to the conversation, writing is more necessary than ever. So it's that spirit I will try to latch onto when I check into my hotel in Vegas tomorrow.
I always have that voice in my head - "I'm here to write. And nothing else." Of course, I always make time to relax and to hook up. That's part of the equation. That's part of the freedom. That's part of being on the clock 24 hours a day. I can write from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. And I can wake up at 5 AM to write and I can take naps and I can go to bed at 2 AM. I can make room for all of it.
I know what I'm writing. I'm working on a pilot rewrite that I've been meaning to finish. I should also work on the pitches I had been preparing earlier this month and the pilot ideas I'm thinking about writing next year. I started a new play and that would be nice to do some work on. Also, there's a new play idea I'd like to do some exploratory work on - research, mostly. At the end of the retreat, I'd like to have a new play written and this pilot finished. The other stuff can be what I work on to procrastinate when I'm not engrossed in one of the other two projects.
This retreat is the only time I'll have to myself for awhile. I go on vacation for the holidays to see my brother and his family in Portland. And that will be family time and rejuvenating in its own way for its own reasons. That should be mainly relaxation time because that's the only time I'll have to get away to chill out until possibly some time in the Spring when maybe I'll plan a get away during Spring Break. I'll have a quick weekend in Vancouver in late February/early March for a postponed birthday trip. This will be some good me time because it's work time and also because I'll have a hotel room to myself for four days.
I'm bringing my favorite lounge outfit, which can double as a workout outfit. I'm bringing my favorite healthy snacks and some books. I'm bringing sea salt caramels from Trader Joe's. I'll end up going to the Whole Foods in Vegas for some meals. I'm a fan of the Wednesday salad bar at Whole Foods when it's discounted. I like having some bone broth from their bone broth bar. I'll try and work out while I'm there, maybe even grab some time at the pool if the weather is warm enough. I need this get away. I'm going to try avoiding shopping at the outlet mall, but my favorite store is there and I'm going to have to try and see if there's anything interesting on the sample rack.
Right now, I'm washing clothes to make sure I've got comfy stuff to wear that will make me feel very writerly. I've got note cards and note pads and pens. I've got music on my iPhone. I'm ready. I hope. I'll have two beds - one for working and one for sleeping. Or one for sleeping and one for sleeping around. One way or another. I'm excited to end the year this way. That's for sure.
My intention is openness.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is mindfulness.
I am grateful for a car to get me to my destination.
I am grateful for a hotel I like spending time in.
I am grateful for a whole world to get lost in.
I am grateful for work that keeps me interested.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Jamming and Cramming
I have been at the Korean Spa for four hours. Good for me.
Here's the goal: I will be done by Noon.
Then I can get to the work of figuring out what this series is and deal with the rest of my application. Do that work between 12-4 PM. Then get back to work on one last pass. Check in with my friends about evening plans later.
I'm going to stay here at the Spa all day. Avoid the sweltering heat. Get work done. Artistic Asylum.
I wrote a play in February.
I wrote this pilot and story bible in March.
I worked in April.
I am taking all of May to write.
Then I'm renting an office in June to start on new projects.
This is my schedule. I'm alternating between making money and taking time off to write. I like that schedule. I am making that schedule work for myself. And I am creating an environment where I still have the energy to write. So yes, I am jamming and cramming. But it's not like I didn't have any time to write until now. I put the work in. The opportunities presented themselves and continue to present themselves. And I am taking full advantage of them.
My horoscope said that May is the time to work. And to that end, I decided that I am going to write a House of Cards spec from May 18-May 30. I need to continue to put the energy out there that I want to work. And I need to have money in my pocket to pay my bills to make sure that when these opportunities become mine, that I can afford to take them.
I am working in cahoots with the Universe.
I'm also going to go see a medium in Portland in July. But that's a whole other blog entry.
Working on myself. And working.
#everythingiswriting
I am grateful that everything I am doing right now is writing.
I am grateful for the revelations that are coming to me.
I am grateful for generous friends offering free or discounted workspace to me.
I am grateful for friends offering to take me to see plays.
I am grateful for a widening artistic community that is keeping me inspired.
I am grateful for the Wi Spa where I am able to get work done.
I am grateful for a mini in town writing retreat.
Here's the goal: I will be done by Noon.
Then I can get to the work of figuring out what this series is and deal with the rest of my application. Do that work between 12-4 PM. Then get back to work on one last pass. Check in with my friends about evening plans later.
I'm going to stay here at the Spa all day. Avoid the sweltering heat. Get work done. Artistic Asylum.
I wrote a play in February.
I wrote this pilot and story bible in March.
I worked in April.
I am taking all of May to write.
Then I'm renting an office in June to start on new projects.
This is my schedule. I'm alternating between making money and taking time off to write. I like that schedule. I am making that schedule work for myself. And I am creating an environment where I still have the energy to write. So yes, I am jamming and cramming. But it's not like I didn't have any time to write until now. I put the work in. The opportunities presented themselves and continue to present themselves. And I am taking full advantage of them.
My horoscope said that May is the time to work. And to that end, I decided that I am going to write a House of Cards spec from May 18-May 30. I need to continue to put the energy out there that I want to work. And I need to have money in my pocket to pay my bills to make sure that when these opportunities become mine, that I can afford to take them.
I am working in cahoots with the Universe.
I'm also going to go see a medium in Portland in July. But that's a whole other blog entry.
Working on myself. And working.
#everythingiswriting
I am grateful that everything I am doing right now is writing.
I am grateful for the revelations that are coming to me.
I am grateful for generous friends offering free or discounted workspace to me.
I am grateful for friends offering to take me to see plays.
I am grateful for a widening artistic community that is keeping me inspired.
I am grateful for the Wi Spa where I am able to get work done.
I am grateful for a mini in town writing retreat.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Retreat's Over…Now What?
I drove back town to LA yesterday. My due date is tomorrow for the pilot.
I have 10 pages.
Normally, that would send me into a panic. Okay, full disclosure, I am not without panic. Or at least worry. But I know what I have. I know what I need to do. The anxiety just isn't worth it. It really isn't. Get the work done. That's all that matters.
I spent Monday reoutlining and adding in the scenes into this new draft that make my point. I did my note cards over the weekend. I got up early on Tuesday morning and started writing. That went very well. I was hoping to get some work done after my dinner with my friend Rachel, who I haven't seen in a decade. But with the drive and then dinner, even though I didn't drink too much, I was exhausted and just wanted to watch some bad TV and hang out with my boyfriend.
So here I am. Wednesday. Retreat's over. Now what?
I need to remember to continue to give love to myself. It's easy to get into cram mode and just panic. That has never served me. I have to remember that I have all the time in the world. I have all of the time in the world.
Today's plan is to take care of some home business. Then to get to the work of finishing the pilot. I would love it if I made it all the way to the end today and then worked on all of my supplemental materials tomorrow. I have a bio already. I have a story document that outlines the first season of the show already. I need to write a synopsis of the pilot. But I came prepared with a lot of this stuff already and story ideas. I am not creating this from the ether with two days to go. I wrote a pilot script. I have a ton of ideas written down.
I need to focus on the style and energy of the pilot. I have to make sure my idea for this character and this journey really comes through with a laser focus. That is my only job. The actual writing of it can just be what it is. I don't need to put my energy there. I just need to make sure that every scene vibrates with who this guy is. That's my job.
I can get this done. I got a lot done on the retreat. It was well worth it.
I am grateful for focus.
I am grateful for the ability to see that everything I've done has been writing.
I am grateful for my own belief in myself.
I have 10 pages.
Normally, that would send me into a panic. Okay, full disclosure, I am not without panic. Or at least worry. But I know what I have. I know what I need to do. The anxiety just isn't worth it. It really isn't. Get the work done. That's all that matters.
I spent Monday reoutlining and adding in the scenes into this new draft that make my point. I did my note cards over the weekend. I got up early on Tuesday morning and started writing. That went very well. I was hoping to get some work done after my dinner with my friend Rachel, who I haven't seen in a decade. But with the drive and then dinner, even though I didn't drink too much, I was exhausted and just wanted to watch some bad TV and hang out with my boyfriend.
So here I am. Wednesday. Retreat's over. Now what?
I need to remember to continue to give love to myself. It's easy to get into cram mode and just panic. That has never served me. I have to remember that I have all the time in the world. I have all of the time in the world.
Today's plan is to take care of some home business. Then to get to the work of finishing the pilot. I would love it if I made it all the way to the end today and then worked on all of my supplemental materials tomorrow. I have a bio already. I have a story document that outlines the first season of the show already. I need to write a synopsis of the pilot. But I came prepared with a lot of this stuff already and story ideas. I am not creating this from the ether with two days to go. I wrote a pilot script. I have a ton of ideas written down.
I need to focus on the style and energy of the pilot. I have to make sure my idea for this character and this journey really comes through with a laser focus. That is my only job. The actual writing of it can just be what it is. I don't need to put my energy there. I just need to make sure that every scene vibrates with who this guy is. That's my job.
I can get this done. I got a lot done on the retreat. It was well worth it.
I am grateful for focus.
I am grateful for the ability to see that everything I've done has been writing.
I am grateful for my own belief in myself.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
This Does Not Have to be Good
There's a writing exercise that's all about writing a bad scene. Or a bad play.
The point is to take the pressure off trying to make everything perfect right away.
It's about getting out of your head.
It's about freedom.
It's about letting go.
It's a great exercise.
I was talking to a friend of mine who had lunch with the woman who's running a program that I'm applying to. I have to submit a pilot with a concept for the first season. He told me that the woman told him that it wasn't about how good the writing was. It was more about the idea.
So here's how I'm choosing to interpret that: write a bad pilot.
Not that I'm literally going to write something awful. But I'm going to worry more about the idea coming across than the writing being pretty.
Of course, it's impossible for me to do that entirely. But I'm going to take the pressure off of myself to have a draft that's perfect perfect perfect. As long as I convey the idea, I'm going to consider that a success.
As long as I have the mechanics down and the scenes laid out, then I'm all good. It will also make the pilot easier to write with all of the mechanics in place.
I also have to remember that I have the pilot already. The elements are there. I know what this pilot is about. I just have to tighten the screws.
That's all this is: tightening the screws.
Whatever I can do to take the pressure off myself.
I'm making notecards.
I am grateful for intel.
I am grateful that the Universe keeps telling me that writing this pilot is important.
I am grateful that the Universe is telling me that May is an important month.
I am grateful that it's enough that I show up.
I am grateful that I've had this time.
The point is to take the pressure off trying to make everything perfect right away.
It's about getting out of your head.
It's about freedom.
It's about letting go.
It's a great exercise.
I was talking to a friend of mine who had lunch with the woman who's running a program that I'm applying to. I have to submit a pilot with a concept for the first season. He told me that the woman told him that it wasn't about how good the writing was. It was more about the idea.
So here's how I'm choosing to interpret that: write a bad pilot.
Not that I'm literally going to write something awful. But I'm going to worry more about the idea coming across than the writing being pretty.
Of course, it's impossible for me to do that entirely. But I'm going to take the pressure off of myself to have a draft that's perfect perfect perfect. As long as I convey the idea, I'm going to consider that a success.
As long as I have the mechanics down and the scenes laid out, then I'm all good. It will also make the pilot easier to write with all of the mechanics in place.
I also have to remember that I have the pilot already. The elements are there. I know what this pilot is about. I just have to tighten the screws.
That's all this is: tightening the screws.
Whatever I can do to take the pressure off myself.
I'm making notecards.
I am grateful for intel.
I am grateful that the Universe keeps telling me that writing this pilot is important.
I am grateful that the Universe is telling me that May is an important month.
I am grateful that it's enough that I show up.
I am grateful that I've had this time.
Retreat: Writing in an Idyllic Setting
I have pretty much lucked out all week by being here in Monterey, in this beautiful setting. I could go for runs and look out on beautiful sights. I could go grab tea and a snack whenever I wanted. There's a Whole Foods in a five minute walk from where I am staying. It really is unreal.
But it was my reality this week. And it was a great reality. It was a reality based on the generosity of a special friend. We really were able to give something to each other, Molly and I. We both needed the company of a generous spirit. So even including the treats here and there, the real repayment was that: my presence, inspiration and generosity of spirit. Hers was the same. It was a fair and equal exchange.
I feel the same way about Bill, my friend whose boot camp I attended. I went up there for a few reasons:
But it was my reality this week. And it was a great reality. It was a reality based on the generosity of a special friend. We really were able to give something to each other, Molly and I. We both needed the company of a generous spirit. So even including the treats here and there, the real repayment was that: my presence, inspiration and generosity of spirit. Hers was the same. It was a fair and equal exchange.
I feel the same way about Bill, my friend whose boot camp I attended. I went up there for a few reasons:
- to be challenged and to test and measure my physical and mental stamina
- to reconnect with a group of guys I really like
- to connect to Bill's wonderful spirit and wisdom
Molly and Bill are two friends who are not in the arts. They are two people who love me and have directly and indirectly supported my work by inviting me up to stay with them during the week. I guess I learned something this week. I learned that I had friends who want to help me out. The first thing I thought about when wanting to do a writers retreat was that I would love to stay in Sonoma at Bill's pool house or go up to Molly's. I didn't feel like I could ask them directly. It felt like I would be taking advantage of our friendship in some way. But Molly reached out when I said I needed a place to retreat. And when I saw Bill, he mentioned that his property would be available to me if it was empty. I was kind of blown away by that. I have great friends who find value in our friendship. I don't know why that's so surprising to me. I know I'm a good friend. I just didn't realize how much it paid to be good to someone.
I have some friends who are creative types who are not as generous. Maybe it's because they don't want to take opportunities away from themselves. But it really disturbs me and it makes me want to distance myself from them. I have certain friends who are only generous when a need serves them. And I have done some great things for friends as favors to help them out and have not always gotten paid back in kind.
My best friend in the world who is highly creative is one of the most generous people I know, with her time and with her advice. Sometimes with a lunch or dinner as well. But she's also one of the most secure in her skin about who she is. True, she's neurotic like all of us and modest. But the core of her being is confidence in who she is, so she doesn't have to take anything away from anyone else and she's not threatened by anyone else's success. I guess that's the barometer for me.
This has been a beautiful week. I have been surrounded by friendship and love. I have been given the opportunity to do this again in some form. I now know how to recreate this, either with less or more resources. I now have this safe space for myself in which to create and to blossom. I would love to come back here to Monterey. I would love to go to Sonoma and write. I would love to do a yoga retreat with Bill at some point in the future. I would love to get away. And I would love to have the feeling of getting away while I'm writing even if I'm doing it in town.
The idyllic setting can be anywhere, as long as it's the setting of my choosing and as long as its a setting that makes me feel good.
I am grateful for the love of friendship.
I am grateful for invitations to spend time in beautiful settings and be creative.
I am grateful for discussions of home furnishings.
I am grateful to be expressive of who I am.
I am grateful that the path I am meant to take is becoming clearer to me.
Everything is Writing
Boot Camp was brutal.
I said that I wanted to come up and do it because I wanted a challenge.
I wanted to be punished.
I wanted to push my mental and physical stamina.
I got all of that.
We ran down Crissy Beach in the Presidio, down a flight of steps and back up. Three times.
Then we went down and did some push ups.
Then we went down some steeper steps and back up. Gloriously, only once.
Then some dips.
And some more push ups, declines.
Then I blacked out.
Not really, but everything after that is a blur.
But I stuck with it and I didn't quit.
Even as hard as it got
and as slow as I got.
I didn't quit. And I didn't fall behind.
At the end, I was done
mainly because I knew it was the end and my mind
was telling me that I was done.
But I finished strong.
We did a few standing balance stretches
and I rocked those.
But my abs in general need some work.
My core.
There are lessons in those two hours I spent running in the sand
and pushing through resistance.
Doing drills.
Yelling and screaming and cursing.
Big lessons.
Then we came back and had pizza and champagne on the deck back at Bill's.
And the boys convinced me to stay the night.
Get some work done in the afternoon and stay the night.
So I agreed.
And I drank a bit.
And I had great conversations.
Bill and I went and grabbed some food later
and I came and tried to work, but instead
took a nap.
It was a good long nap. I let my body recuperate.
Another lesson.
Then I woke up and Bill and I had a conversation
about life and work
and changes in life and relationships.
That was worth staying for.
And we went out that night
and danced a bit
then came home and went to bed.
Now I'm up writing early,
looking out my window out to the balcony in
my guest room.
Not a cloud in the sky. Perfectly clear and perfectly blue.
I know i have work to do.
I'm trying not to think about it because
it will be there for me waiting when I get back.
And that's enough.
I am ready for the drive back
maybe with a few stops.
Maybe with a bit of nostalgia along the way.
Maybe doing some writing in a different setting.
Maybe going down the coast and stopping at some coastal towns
I have not explored yet.
Just like one has to trick one's body into working a certain way:
muscle confusion.
I need to trick my mind into doing more work
by switching things up:
mind confusion.
I think I need to come up with a better name for that.
I am grateful for cocktails and dancing with friends last night.
I am grateful for pure joy.
I am grateful that I helped break a stage,
but didn't break my neck when that stage came crashing down.
I am grateful for waking up early and having a view to greet me.
I am grateful for the generosity of true friends.
I am grateful that gratitude goes both ways.
I said that I wanted to come up and do it because I wanted a challenge.
I wanted to be punished.
I wanted to push my mental and physical stamina.
I got all of that.
We ran down Crissy Beach in the Presidio, down a flight of steps and back up. Three times.
Then we went down and did some push ups.
Then we went down some steeper steps and back up. Gloriously, only once.
Then some dips.
And some more push ups, declines.
Then I blacked out.
Not really, but everything after that is a blur.
But I stuck with it and I didn't quit.
Even as hard as it got
and as slow as I got.
I didn't quit. And I didn't fall behind.
At the end, I was done
mainly because I knew it was the end and my mind
was telling me that I was done.
But I finished strong.
We did a few standing balance stretches
and I rocked those.
But my abs in general need some work.
My core.
There are lessons in those two hours I spent running in the sand
and pushing through resistance.
Doing drills.
Yelling and screaming and cursing.
Big lessons.
Then we came back and had pizza and champagne on the deck back at Bill's.
And the boys convinced me to stay the night.
Get some work done in the afternoon and stay the night.
So I agreed.
And I drank a bit.
And I had great conversations.
Bill and I went and grabbed some food later
and I came and tried to work, but instead
took a nap.
It was a good long nap. I let my body recuperate.
Another lesson.
Then I woke up and Bill and I had a conversation
about life and work
and changes in life and relationships.
That was worth staying for.
And we went out that night
and danced a bit
then came home and went to bed.
Now I'm up writing early,
looking out my window out to the balcony in
my guest room.
Not a cloud in the sky. Perfectly clear and perfectly blue.
I know i have work to do.
I'm trying not to think about it because
it will be there for me waiting when I get back.
And that's enough.
I am ready for the drive back
maybe with a few stops.
Maybe with a bit of nostalgia along the way.
Maybe doing some writing in a different setting.
Maybe going down the coast and stopping at some coastal towns
I have not explored yet.
Just like one has to trick one's body into working a certain way:
muscle confusion.
I need to trick my mind into doing more work
by switching things up:
mind confusion.
I think I need to come up with a better name for that.
I am grateful for cocktails and dancing with friends last night.
I am grateful for pure joy.
I am grateful that I helped break a stage,
but didn't break my neck when that stage came crashing down.
I am grateful for waking up early and having a view to greet me.
I am grateful for the generosity of true friends.
I am grateful that gratitude goes both ways.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Long Drives
I got up at 6 AM this morning to drive to San Francisco for a boot camp that my friend Bill was hosting. I was in the car by 6:15. I got to Bill's by 8:15.
On the drive, which I was going to do the night before but thought against it because I wanted to work in Monterey and then be fresh when I came to town, I saw the most beautiful things. I saw the early morning light shining on the water and the fields.
I saw sprinklers shining on fields in curved lines that reminded me of David Hockey's paintings of swimming pools and the circular ripples that were just as geometric as these water curves.
I saw gorgeous trees.
I drove along single lane roads.
I turned off the radio and just started talking to myself.
I expressed how beautiful it was and how I was glad that I had waited until the morning.
I talked to myself about my boyfriend
and how it wasn't important to have things in common with people
but more important to have their respect.
My parents didn't understand me
but they loved me anyway.
What happens often is that we try to understand someone or
to be understood
and we move somewhere to the left of where we should be
or to the right.
We adjust ourselves instead of being true to ourselves.
And then we change
and not for the better.
Our loves don't have to get us all of the time,
even though that's what we want because it makes us feel loved
and cared for.
I don't have to understand everything he does.
I just need to love him for who he is.
I don't have to force him to believe what I do.
He doesn't have to be a hyper organized, punctual,
anal retentive autocrat.
It's best that he's not.
On the drive I talked about my characters.
I tried to figure things out about them.
Eventually, I got to the city.
And I looked at the old Victorians.
I noticed how the pace of life in SF
is different
because you're forced to wait at stop signs
every block or at stop lights.
It teaches a patience
and it requires a throwing up of the hands in the air
because you can't do anything about it
might as well just accept it.
And that makes the trip more pleasant.
I found a parking spot
near Bill's.
I walked to his super market to get some tea and a
snack because I had arrived early.
And who's the first person I see when I walk inside?
I am grateful for challenges.
I am grateful that I can take a drive and it can still be writing.
I am grateful that I can connect with old friends because and it's still writing.
I am grateful that everything I did today was writing.
I am grateful that I am pleased with this week so far.
I am grateful for two hour drives and talking to myself.
On the drive, which I was going to do the night before but thought against it because I wanted to work in Monterey and then be fresh when I came to town, I saw the most beautiful things. I saw the early morning light shining on the water and the fields.
I saw sprinklers shining on fields in curved lines that reminded me of David Hockey's paintings of swimming pools and the circular ripples that were just as geometric as these water curves.
I saw gorgeous trees.
I drove along single lane roads.
I turned off the radio and just started talking to myself.
I expressed how beautiful it was and how I was glad that I had waited until the morning.
I talked to myself about my boyfriend
and how it wasn't important to have things in common with people
but more important to have their respect.
My parents didn't understand me
but they loved me anyway.
What happens often is that we try to understand someone or
to be understood
and we move somewhere to the left of where we should be
or to the right.
We adjust ourselves instead of being true to ourselves.
And then we change
and not for the better.
Our loves don't have to get us all of the time,
even though that's what we want because it makes us feel loved
and cared for.
I don't have to understand everything he does.
I just need to love him for who he is.
I don't have to force him to believe what I do.
He doesn't have to be a hyper organized, punctual,
anal retentive autocrat.
It's best that he's not.
On the drive I talked about my characters.
I tried to figure things out about them.
Eventually, I got to the city.
And I looked at the old Victorians.
I noticed how the pace of life in SF
is different
because you're forced to wait at stop signs
every block or at stop lights.
It teaches a patience
and it requires a throwing up of the hands in the air
because you can't do anything about it
might as well just accept it.
And that makes the trip more pleasant.
I found a parking spot
near Bill's.
I walked to his super market to get some tea and a
snack because I had arrived early.
And who's the first person I see when I walk inside?
I am grateful for challenges.
I am grateful that I can take a drive and it can still be writing.
I am grateful that I can connect with old friends because and it's still writing.
I am grateful that everything I did today was writing.
I am grateful that I am pleased with this week so far.
I am grateful for two hour drives and talking to myself.
Friday, May 9, 2014
I Feel Creative
It's tough to be an artist because you're never satisfied.
I love this Martha Graham quote:
"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.
No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
It's completely true. No artist is pleased. Ever. Yet we live in a world where satisfaction seems to be the goal.
Settling.
Complacency.
That seems to be where people are headed.
Once I get HERE then I will have made it. I will be satisfied.
But that's just not a reality for the artist.
We create out of the ether, so even when we're successful
we don't even know it because we spend all of our time trying to
create something out of nothing.
And it's that obsessive striving that keeps us going,
so we don't even realize when it's time to stop.
Unless we're comparing ourselves to someone
And that happens too often.
So we do stop.
And then we rest.
And then we feel like shit about ourselves.
It stops us in our tracks.
But I love what Martha Graham says.
We have a unique expression and it's not our business to determine how good it is.
Or how it compares. It's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
Our business is keeping the flow going.
Not stopping the traffic of creativity.
And she tells us to get rid of the idea of satisfaction.
Just toss it out of your brain and do the work.
Because either you will feel like you will always fail, so it doesn't matter.
Or you will feel that once you let go of the fear of failure,
you will always succeed
because you didn't stop.
Get on with it.
And that's what this week so far has been for me.
Just get on with it.
Today was fast and loose.
Today was slow and sluggish.
Today was fun.
Today sucked.
It's going to be one story every day.
And then the next day it's going to be another story.
Peaks and valleys.
Ride the coaster.
Fuggit about it!
Who cares?!!
Just keep the flow.
I am grateful for Martha Graham.
I am grateful for her insight.
I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful to see my friends tomorrow.
I am grateful for my strength and stamina which keep me going.
I am grateful for the pain I will experience when I push my body and my mind to my limit because I am reminding myself of what exactly I am capable of, which I will need in completing a task that seems overwhelming.
I am grateful for the reminder.
I am grateful for the difficulty of this task.
I am grateful for the opportunity to prove that I have more to give than I even know.
I am grateful that this is the time that I am living in now.
I am grateful to be peaking at exactly the right time.
I love this Martha Graham quote:
"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.
No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
It's completely true. No artist is pleased. Ever. Yet we live in a world where satisfaction seems to be the goal.
Settling.
Complacency.
That seems to be where people are headed.
Once I get HERE then I will have made it. I will be satisfied.
But that's just not a reality for the artist.
We create out of the ether, so even when we're successful
we don't even know it because we spend all of our time trying to
create something out of nothing.
And it's that obsessive striving that keeps us going,
so we don't even realize when it's time to stop.
Unless we're comparing ourselves to someone
And that happens too often.
So we do stop.
And then we rest.
And then we feel like shit about ourselves.
It stops us in our tracks.
But I love what Martha Graham says.
We have a unique expression and it's not our business to determine how good it is.
Or how it compares. It's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
Our business is keeping the flow going.
Not stopping the traffic of creativity.
And she tells us to get rid of the idea of satisfaction.
Just toss it out of your brain and do the work.
Because either you will feel like you will always fail, so it doesn't matter.
Or you will feel that once you let go of the fear of failure,
you will always succeed
because you didn't stop.
Get on with it.
And that's what this week so far has been for me.
Just get on with it.
Today was fast and loose.
Today was slow and sluggish.
Today was fun.
Today sucked.
It's going to be one story every day.
And then the next day it's going to be another story.
Peaks and valleys.
Ride the coaster.
Fuggit about it!
Who cares?!!
Just keep the flow.
I am grateful for Martha Graham.
I am grateful for her insight.
I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful to see my friends tomorrow.
I am grateful for my strength and stamina which keep me going.
I am grateful for the pain I will experience when I push my body and my mind to my limit because I am reminding myself of what exactly I am capable of, which I will need in completing a task that seems overwhelming.
I am grateful for the reminder.
I am grateful for the difficulty of this task.
I am grateful for the opportunity to prove that I have more to give than I even know.
I am grateful that this is the time that I am living in now.
I am grateful to be peaking at exactly the right time.
The Miracle of an Idea
I place a lot of value in page count.
5
10
23
32
45
54
76
118
I like to give myself markers along the way.
I finished Act One in two days. Halleloo!
But the truth is, the success happened much earlier and has been happening all along. The moment I got the idea for this play I'm working on. I might have been on the 5 Freeway going from Orange County back to Burbank. I'm not even sure where I was coming from. But I had an idea about the Seven Deadly Sins and certain institutions we worship as a culture. Then I might have had a thought about the conversation I had with my friend Dave, who is a priest.
I should have pulled over to the side of the road and gotten myself some chocolate right then and there. Or a cheesecake. Or an In N' Out burger. I love rewarding myself with food.
Today I rewarded myself for having ideas and committing to the work by buying two pairs of shorts and two pairs of pants at H&M for $27.95 total. Apparently, men don't shop at the store in Monterey and things get marketed the fuck down. $7 pants? $5 shorts? I can't believe it. But I appreciate it and I love it. And I felt rewarded.
In that way, I'm fulfilling the promise of my tarot card reading back in December when it told me I needed to give love to my creations. And in doing so, I'm giving love to myself. The child analogy is so appropriate here too. If you give your child love, you are in essence giving love back to yourself. It's healing because you're giving the love you never thought you got. And you are giving love to yourself in the present because that child is your creation. And even if that child isn't biologically yours, that child has been molded and cared for by your love. And you are creating a relationship and a bond with that child, which has a healing effect.
It's hard to remember to give ourselves love for what we deem as such simple things. Especially, when they don't feel quantifiable. But love isn't quantifiable. We are better for having been loved in our lives period. Because then we know what it is like and we can replicate it. Sure, having more love is better than having less love. But having love is better period is better than having none at all. In that way, having ideas is a miracle. How wonderful it is to have been loved and to have an idea that you give your love to because you appreciate it and you want it to know how much you appreciate its very existence.
This is completely the opposite of the way I used to think. I used to think that I had to suffer and get on my cross and put on a crown of thorns before I got rewarded. It's like that old phrase, "You'll get your reward in the kingdom of heaven." Screw that! I want it now. I want to know how much I am appreciated and how important I am now. I want to know that I am significant and that I have made a difference. I want to know that I am loved. So does the work. The work is better having been loved. No one's better by having love withheld. And nothing or NO THING is better by having love withheld.
So I celebrate my ideas and I give them love. I have also fed and clothed them well this week and lately. I honor their miracle and I appreciate their miracle. I also encourage more of them to show up and more of their miracle to show up by appreciating them in the way I have been. By giving myself love and giving them love.
Everything I have done especially in the past five months has been about giving myself love and appreciating the miracle I am and the miracle of my presence on this planet and the miracle of my ideas.
Every bite I take…
Every time I go to the spa…
Every time I put on a new article of clothing…
Every time I pull my credit card out or take out my wallet and lay a bill on the table…
I am honoring the miracle of my ideas.
I am giving love to my self and my creations.
I am telling the Universe that I appreciate its efforts and I want more of it.
I am feeding that love
so that it will be like that cat who keeps coming back for more.
I hope these miracles will come visit me like that cat
and find a home here.
I let them know that I want them to be here.
I want ideas to show up.
I want ideas to grow.
I want ideas to make me smile.
I am grateful for so many words on this subject.
I am grateful for the miracle and the multitude of my ideas.
I am grateful to be able to share my miracle with people.
I am grateful that I am going up to SF tomorrow to share my love with friends.
I am grateful that we will be sweating together.
I am grateful that we will be laughing together.
I am grateful that we will be crying together.
I am grateful that we will be in pain together and that we will push through it together.
I am grateful to see my SF friends post-Looking.
I am grateful that my generosity and my giving of love to myself has brought me to this beautiful place and this beautiful moment in my life.
I am grateful that I can love myself through feeling discouraged at times.
I am grateful that all of this has meaning for me.
I am grateful that I can find meaning.
I am grateful that all of my scripts are miracles and are special and are worthy of being bought, sold and taken out for a spin.
I am grateful that success is all around me and I can see it.
I am grateful that I no longer hide how smart and funny I am.
I am grateful that I have figured that out.
I am grateful for the recent reunions I have had with friends lately and the ones to come.
5
10
23
32
45
54
76
118
I like to give myself markers along the way.
I finished Act One in two days. Halleloo!
But the truth is, the success happened much earlier and has been happening all along. The moment I got the idea for this play I'm working on. I might have been on the 5 Freeway going from Orange County back to Burbank. I'm not even sure where I was coming from. But I had an idea about the Seven Deadly Sins and certain institutions we worship as a culture. Then I might have had a thought about the conversation I had with my friend Dave, who is a priest.
I should have pulled over to the side of the road and gotten myself some chocolate right then and there. Or a cheesecake. Or an In N' Out burger. I love rewarding myself with food.
Today I rewarded myself for having ideas and committing to the work by buying two pairs of shorts and two pairs of pants at H&M for $27.95 total. Apparently, men don't shop at the store in Monterey and things get marketed the fuck down. $7 pants? $5 shorts? I can't believe it. But I appreciate it and I love it. And I felt rewarded.
In that way, I'm fulfilling the promise of my tarot card reading back in December when it told me I needed to give love to my creations. And in doing so, I'm giving love to myself. The child analogy is so appropriate here too. If you give your child love, you are in essence giving love back to yourself. It's healing because you're giving the love you never thought you got. And you are giving love to yourself in the present because that child is your creation. And even if that child isn't biologically yours, that child has been molded and cared for by your love. And you are creating a relationship and a bond with that child, which has a healing effect.
It's hard to remember to give ourselves love for what we deem as such simple things. Especially, when they don't feel quantifiable. But love isn't quantifiable. We are better for having been loved in our lives period. Because then we know what it is like and we can replicate it. Sure, having more love is better than having less love. But having love is better period is better than having none at all. In that way, having ideas is a miracle. How wonderful it is to have been loved and to have an idea that you give your love to because you appreciate it and you want it to know how much you appreciate its very existence.
This is completely the opposite of the way I used to think. I used to think that I had to suffer and get on my cross and put on a crown of thorns before I got rewarded. It's like that old phrase, "You'll get your reward in the kingdom of heaven." Screw that! I want it now. I want to know how much I am appreciated and how important I am now. I want to know that I am significant and that I have made a difference. I want to know that I am loved. So does the work. The work is better having been loved. No one's better by having love withheld. And nothing or NO THING is better by having love withheld.
So I celebrate my ideas and I give them love. I have also fed and clothed them well this week and lately. I honor their miracle and I appreciate their miracle. I also encourage more of them to show up and more of their miracle to show up by appreciating them in the way I have been. By giving myself love and giving them love.
Everything I have done especially in the past five months has been about giving myself love and appreciating the miracle I am and the miracle of my presence on this planet and the miracle of my ideas.
Every bite I take…
Every time I go to the spa…
Every time I put on a new article of clothing…
Every time I pull my credit card out or take out my wallet and lay a bill on the table…
I am honoring the miracle of my ideas.
I am giving love to my self and my creations.
I am telling the Universe that I appreciate its efforts and I want more of it.
I am feeding that love
so that it will be like that cat who keeps coming back for more.
I hope these miracles will come visit me like that cat
and find a home here.
I let them know that I want them to be here.
I want ideas to show up.
I want ideas to grow.
I want ideas to make me smile.
I am grateful for so many words on this subject.
I am grateful for the miracle and the multitude of my ideas.
I am grateful to be able to share my miracle with people.
I am grateful that I am going up to SF tomorrow to share my love with friends.
I am grateful that we will be sweating together.
I am grateful that we will be laughing together.
I am grateful that we will be crying together.
I am grateful that we will be in pain together and that we will push through it together.
I am grateful to see my SF friends post-Looking.
I am grateful that my generosity and my giving of love to myself has brought me to this beautiful place and this beautiful moment in my life.
I am grateful that I can love myself through feeling discouraged at times.
I am grateful that all of this has meaning for me.
I am grateful that I can find meaning.
I am grateful that all of my scripts are miracles and are special and are worthy of being bought, sold and taken out for a spin.
I am grateful that success is all around me and I can see it.
I am grateful that I no longer hide how smart and funny I am.
I am grateful that I have figured that out.
I am grateful for the recent reunions I have had with friends lately and the ones to come.
Treat Yo' Self (on Retreat)
I read this article where Joss Whedon talks about how to be prolific. And one of the things he says is that you have to reward yourself often. Like he'll give himself a piece of chocolate just for having an idea, not for finishing the script or outlining. But just for having the idea.
In other words, Joss Whedon believes in the philosophy known as
TREAT YO' SELF
I kind of fell in love with him after I read that article. And it's really key because we don't do it enough. Or I should say that I don't do it enough. I was having a conversation with the boyfriend and told him I was going to this boot camp tomorrow. I'm psyched about it. I like working out hard and being pushed. For me, that is treating my self. I am going to push my physical stamina and therefore my mental stamina. It's good for me. And yes, I'm driving two hours to do it. I want to be around people who inspire me. I like this group of guys. They're a group of successful gay guys in their 30s to 50s. They are superficial and also tight-knit. They're very real and very fun both at the same time. I need to be inspired. And yes, I am going to be back in the area at the end of the month and will come back up to the boot camp. This is totally true.
That is treating myself.
I had a happy hour meal at a restaurant in town where I went out for Oysters, Sand Dabs, a Lemon Drop and a beer. I dropped some dough. But I was rewarding myself for finishing my work on Act One of my play.
Molly and I treated OUR selves to dinner last night, Extravagant, yes. Decadent, yes. Fun, yes. We flirted with the waiter and we had specialty cocktails and wine. We had great conversation. It was a blast. And we treated ourselves because we had been working hard all week. I won't be treating myself that well for the rest of this retreat. But that was mad fun.
I have treated myself to this trip. To this retreat and getaway.
Molly talked about this medium that I should go see to communicate with some dead relatives. That's probably going to be about $100. I'm going to treat myself to that. It will be much deserved and necessary.
I am taking care of myself. I am being good to myself. It is much deserved and long overdue. I have a lot of catch up to do. I, for the most part, have lived under a philosophy of "be hard on yourself", "hate yourself," "put yourself down." The Treat Yo' Self philosophy has brought about a lot more productivity. I have a 54 page Act One. In three and a half days. I think that's pretty spectacular. Now I need to move on to my next project and I feel that will be just as fruitful.
I have to attribute a few articles for this productivity. First of all, the Joss Whedon article I mentioned earlier. How to be Prolific. And the secret is that you are good to yourself and hard on yourself. Interchangably, but with equal force. And there's an article that's about setting up systems instead of being disappointed by goals. So if you set a goal and you figure out what it takes to accomplish that goal, you focus on the system you set up. Because you will always be successful as long as you are doing something. But if you set a goal and don't accomplish it, you will leave feeling disappointed. I also have been doing a gratitude journal as a part of this blog for almost five months and that has changed my entire energy and outlook. I no longer walk around constantly disappointed in myself. I walk around feeling like I am doing things. And even when I am not hard core, I am accomplishing things by just being alert and aware and conscious in my life.
I like treating myself. It's working.
I am grateful for Retta and Aziz Ansari.
I am grateful for laughter.
I am grateful for my ability to treat myself.
I am grateful for money.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for the generosity of spirit that I am extending to myself.
I am grateful for my sense of humor.
I am grateful for food.
I am grateful for long friendships.
I am grateful for care and consideration in my life.
I am grateful that I am loved.
I am grateful that I am not resting on my laurels.
I am grateful for the ability to reflect.
I am grateful for my blog.
I am grateful that I can look at myself clearly.
I am grateful for books.
I am grateful for Portland.
I am grateful for Monterey.
I am grateful for nature.
I am grateful for my boot campers who will be joining tomorrow.
I am grateful for San Francisco.
I am grateful for all sorts of fun.
I am grateful for friends who want to see me.
In other words, Joss Whedon believes in the philosophy known as
TREAT YO' SELF
I kind of fell in love with him after I read that article. And it's really key because we don't do it enough. Or I should say that I don't do it enough. I was having a conversation with the boyfriend and told him I was going to this boot camp tomorrow. I'm psyched about it. I like working out hard and being pushed. For me, that is treating my self. I am going to push my physical stamina and therefore my mental stamina. It's good for me. And yes, I'm driving two hours to do it. I want to be around people who inspire me. I like this group of guys. They're a group of successful gay guys in their 30s to 50s. They are superficial and also tight-knit. They're very real and very fun both at the same time. I need to be inspired. And yes, I am going to be back in the area at the end of the month and will come back up to the boot camp. This is totally true.
That is treating myself.
I had a happy hour meal at a restaurant in town where I went out for Oysters, Sand Dabs, a Lemon Drop and a beer. I dropped some dough. But I was rewarding myself for finishing my work on Act One of my play.
Molly and I treated OUR selves to dinner last night, Extravagant, yes. Decadent, yes. Fun, yes. We flirted with the waiter and we had specialty cocktails and wine. We had great conversation. It was a blast. And we treated ourselves because we had been working hard all week. I won't be treating myself that well for the rest of this retreat. But that was mad fun.
I have treated myself to this trip. To this retreat and getaway.
Molly talked about this medium that I should go see to communicate with some dead relatives. That's probably going to be about $100. I'm going to treat myself to that. It will be much deserved and necessary.
I am taking care of myself. I am being good to myself. It is much deserved and long overdue. I have a lot of catch up to do. I, for the most part, have lived under a philosophy of "be hard on yourself", "hate yourself," "put yourself down." The Treat Yo' Self philosophy has brought about a lot more productivity. I have a 54 page Act One. In three and a half days. I think that's pretty spectacular. Now I need to move on to my next project and I feel that will be just as fruitful.
I have to attribute a few articles for this productivity. First of all, the Joss Whedon article I mentioned earlier. How to be Prolific. And the secret is that you are good to yourself and hard on yourself. Interchangably, but with equal force. And there's an article that's about setting up systems instead of being disappointed by goals. So if you set a goal and you figure out what it takes to accomplish that goal, you focus on the system you set up. Because you will always be successful as long as you are doing something. But if you set a goal and don't accomplish it, you will leave feeling disappointed. I also have been doing a gratitude journal as a part of this blog for almost five months and that has changed my entire energy and outlook. I no longer walk around constantly disappointed in myself. I walk around feeling like I am doing things. And even when I am not hard core, I am accomplishing things by just being alert and aware and conscious in my life.
I like treating myself. It's working.
I am grateful for Retta and Aziz Ansari.
I am grateful for laughter.
I am grateful for my ability to treat myself.
I am grateful for money.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for the generosity of spirit that I am extending to myself.
I am grateful for my sense of humor.
I am grateful for food.
I am grateful for long friendships.
I am grateful for care and consideration in my life.
I am grateful that I am loved.
I am grateful that I am not resting on my laurels.
I am grateful for the ability to reflect.
I am grateful for my blog.
I am grateful that I can look at myself clearly.
I am grateful for books.
I am grateful for Portland.
I am grateful for Monterey.
I am grateful for nature.
I am grateful for my boot campers who will be joining tomorrow.
I am grateful for San Francisco.
I am grateful for all sorts of fun.
I am grateful for friends who want to see me.
Retreat Day Four: Less Work, More Talking, More Thinking
I didn't have a significant page count to show for my work yesterday.
But I did do a lot of thinking about the scenes and the characters. I figured out how to reorder some scenes.
Sometimes that's the work. My boyfriend asked me a few days ago how much I had gotten done and I basically bit his head off because that's not the right question to ask a writer. It's not about page count per se. It's about so much more than that. And some days I have twenty pages done. Some days I have one. Some days I think about the work a lot and make significant strides. And some days I don't. But the important thing is to keep writing, keep talking and keep thinking.
I had an amazing and expensive dinner with Molly last night. We went to this wonderful restaurant and I flirted with a cute waiter. It was a great way to end the first half of my trip, where she's been working with me. Now she's off to Portland for the weekend to spend time with her family and I have her place all to myself. And I'm moving on to the hard part of my trip, which is working on this pilot for four solid days.
I have to do a lot of thinking, but I also have to do a lot of writing. I have to finish a draft of this pilot in these four days. That includes me going up to SF to do a killer boot camp with good friends and to reconnect a bit. I need that as well. It's not just about writing in isolation, even though I need a lot of that too. I want to punish my body a bit. Fran Lebowitz says that writers do bad things to themselves to make up for the fact that they are playing God. Well, I'm happy to do a good bad thing. Destroying my body in this boot camp is my way to make up for playing God. And I'm going to do that tomorrow.
But until then, I'm going to work, work, work my ass off. The boot camp is both a punishment and a reward.
This morning I woke up and put some touches on some scenes and right now it looks like I'm at about 51 pages. I have more tweaking to do, but this is a good start. 51 pages for three days of work. I'm into it. Next!
I am grateful for the words I have written and the words I am about to write.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be up here in such a beautiful and inspiring place.
I am grateful for friends' gracious hospitality.
I am grateful for the things in life that are both free and costly.
I am grateful for the time together with friends and that is worth having an experience.
But I did do a lot of thinking about the scenes and the characters. I figured out how to reorder some scenes.
Sometimes that's the work. My boyfriend asked me a few days ago how much I had gotten done and I basically bit his head off because that's not the right question to ask a writer. It's not about page count per se. It's about so much more than that. And some days I have twenty pages done. Some days I have one. Some days I think about the work a lot and make significant strides. And some days I don't. But the important thing is to keep writing, keep talking and keep thinking.
I had an amazing and expensive dinner with Molly last night. We went to this wonderful restaurant and I flirted with a cute waiter. It was a great way to end the first half of my trip, where she's been working with me. Now she's off to Portland for the weekend to spend time with her family and I have her place all to myself. And I'm moving on to the hard part of my trip, which is working on this pilot for four solid days.
I have to do a lot of thinking, but I also have to do a lot of writing. I have to finish a draft of this pilot in these four days. That includes me going up to SF to do a killer boot camp with good friends and to reconnect a bit. I need that as well. It's not just about writing in isolation, even though I need a lot of that too. I want to punish my body a bit. Fran Lebowitz says that writers do bad things to themselves to make up for the fact that they are playing God. Well, I'm happy to do a good bad thing. Destroying my body in this boot camp is my way to make up for playing God. And I'm going to do that tomorrow.
But until then, I'm going to work, work, work my ass off. The boot camp is both a punishment and a reward.
This morning I woke up and put some touches on some scenes and right now it looks like I'm at about 51 pages. I have more tweaking to do, but this is a good start. 51 pages for three days of work. I'm into it. Next!
I am grateful for the words I have written and the words I am about to write.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be up here in such a beautiful and inspiring place.
I am grateful for friends' gracious hospitality.
I am grateful for the things in life that are both free and costly.
I am grateful for the time together with friends and that is worth having an experience.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Why I Went Out of Town to Get Writing Done
I have the feeling my boyfriend is avoiding me.
He told me he was so happy that I was going out of town to write. I had my suspicions. He seemed a little too supportive. Like he was forcing himself to say the thing he thought he should say.
And we had a talk yesterday that was rushed. I'm not sure what's going on…
Let's pretend for a while that things are fine, like they always were…
Funny that as I'm typing, this line comes across from a song called "Beautiful Mess" by Swing Out Sister. But that's how I feel. Let's pretend things are fine even though I miss you and I'm mad that you left.
Still haven't heard from him. I'm staring at my phone, willing it to ring.
But that's why I went out of town. I didn't want to work all day and come home and have to be a good boyfriend. Meaning that I didn't want to make the bed or make dinner or have conversations or explain why I'm taking a nap in the middle of the day. I needed to have time to just work.
Being that I have been working to make money for the past month and putting some away, I haven't had a lot of concentrated time to write. And frankly, I think I exhausted myself in February and March when I wrote two projects back to back. So now that I have to do these rewrites, I needed to get away to do it. And I have the resources to do so. So when my friend offered her place in Monterey, I thought it was the best thing. My plans to do a cruise to Ensenada fell through. It never felt like the right thing to do. I had a sense that I should get in my car since I just put so much money into it. And while coming up North wasn't in the cards since I'll be back here at the end of the month, it turned out to be the best thing ever.
I'm here with my friend Molly who needed me up here as much as I needed her. And we're both keeping each other focused. She actually leaves tomorrow for the rest of my trip, so I'll have half of this trip completely isolated. I hope I'm as productive (if not more) when she's gone.
But I did need to just get away and not worry about conflicting schedules or finding a way to make myself scarce during the day when he's got recording sessions and rehearsals and he's working on his show. Honestly, if I didn't have to be back for dinner with my friend Rachel on Tuesday who I haven't seen in ten years, I wouldn't even come back until I need to be back for rehearsals for my play reading next Thursday or Friday. As it is, I might head to Palm Springs for two days to get my remaining work done. Or I might go to PS the following week to get another script done.
I love him. I love what we have together. But I think sometimes we both need a break. We are both independent individuals. And maybe the frustration and the problem is trusting that we can have that and come back together. I think it's all right for him to do it because he's a musician and he's familiar with his own behavior. But I'm a wiley variable. I'm just as independent as he is and he might need a steady planet to orbit around. I like that we are both moving together but independently. It's something about our relationship that I value.
So I had to go. For him. For me. It's too easy to want to take care of everyone else before I take care of myself. And I knew that I would not be a pleasant dinner, bed, or event companion if I was in town trying to work. Crabbiness is just a natural part of this whole writing process. I needed to keep my crabbiness to myself. It's really a favor to everyone.
I am grateful for another day to work.
I am grateful for showers.
I am grateful for six mile runs.
I am grateful for an understanding boyfriend.
I am grateful for cloudy days that make it easy to stay indoors.
I am grateful for "Confidential" by Tina Turner (written by the Pet Shop Boys)
I am grateful for snacks.
I am grateful for chocolate.
I am grateful for dinners to look forward to.
I am grateful for love.
He told me he was so happy that I was going out of town to write. I had my suspicions. He seemed a little too supportive. Like he was forcing himself to say the thing he thought he should say.
And we had a talk yesterday that was rushed. I'm not sure what's going on…
Let's pretend for a while that things are fine, like they always were…
Funny that as I'm typing, this line comes across from a song called "Beautiful Mess" by Swing Out Sister. But that's how I feel. Let's pretend things are fine even though I miss you and I'm mad that you left.
Still haven't heard from him. I'm staring at my phone, willing it to ring.
But that's why I went out of town. I didn't want to work all day and come home and have to be a good boyfriend. Meaning that I didn't want to make the bed or make dinner or have conversations or explain why I'm taking a nap in the middle of the day. I needed to have time to just work.
Being that I have been working to make money for the past month and putting some away, I haven't had a lot of concentrated time to write. And frankly, I think I exhausted myself in February and March when I wrote two projects back to back. So now that I have to do these rewrites, I needed to get away to do it. And I have the resources to do so. So when my friend offered her place in Monterey, I thought it was the best thing. My plans to do a cruise to Ensenada fell through. It never felt like the right thing to do. I had a sense that I should get in my car since I just put so much money into it. And while coming up North wasn't in the cards since I'll be back here at the end of the month, it turned out to be the best thing ever.
I'm here with my friend Molly who needed me up here as much as I needed her. And we're both keeping each other focused. She actually leaves tomorrow for the rest of my trip, so I'll have half of this trip completely isolated. I hope I'm as productive (if not more) when she's gone.
But I did need to just get away and not worry about conflicting schedules or finding a way to make myself scarce during the day when he's got recording sessions and rehearsals and he's working on his show. Honestly, if I didn't have to be back for dinner with my friend Rachel on Tuesday who I haven't seen in ten years, I wouldn't even come back until I need to be back for rehearsals for my play reading next Thursday or Friday. As it is, I might head to Palm Springs for two days to get my remaining work done. Or I might go to PS the following week to get another script done.
I love him. I love what we have together. But I think sometimes we both need a break. We are both independent individuals. And maybe the frustration and the problem is trusting that we can have that and come back together. I think it's all right for him to do it because he's a musician and he's familiar with his own behavior. But I'm a wiley variable. I'm just as independent as he is and he might need a steady planet to orbit around. I like that we are both moving together but independently. It's something about our relationship that I value.
So I had to go. For him. For me. It's too easy to want to take care of everyone else before I take care of myself. And I knew that I would not be a pleasant dinner, bed, or event companion if I was in town trying to work. Crabbiness is just a natural part of this whole writing process. I needed to keep my crabbiness to myself. It's really a favor to everyone.
I am grateful for another day to work.
I am grateful for showers.
I am grateful for six mile runs.
I am grateful for an understanding boyfriend.
I am grateful for cloudy days that make it easy to stay indoors.
I am grateful for "Confidential" by Tina Turner (written by the Pet Shop Boys)
I am grateful for snacks.
I am grateful for chocolate.
I am grateful for dinners to look forward to.
I am grateful for love.
Retreat: Why is Writing Out Of Town So Much Better?
I'm on Day Three (really Day Two) of my self-imposed writer's retreat. And it has been great so far.
I'm about thirty pages in on this new play.
I am eating well. So much better than the "floating Dennys."
Molly and I went to Whole Foods and had dinner.
I spent the day at the spa working. Although, the boyfriend commented that I like going to the spa a lot, which offended me. It felt like he was saying I was just having a good time. But I am more productive when I am being good to myself rather than beating myself up. It's a lesson that has taken me too long to figure out. Because whether or not I like going to the spa for fun, the truth is that I got twenty pages out of it today. SO THERE!
I have gone on two runs.
I am going for a longer run tomorrow. I think I'm going to try and run to Pacific Grove and back. Then dinner with Molly tomorrow night.
So I'm trying to have Act One rewritten by then. I am close. I have one scene to write from scratch, but most of the other scenes will be recycled in some way. So by tomorrow I should have finished Act One of my play and then I'm putting it down and starting work on the pilot.
I also want to do boot camp with the boys in SF on Saturday. I need to get my ass kicked by Bill and I want to just push my limits.
So…why is writing out of town so much better?
Because I'm out of my routine.
I can come home and not have to be a good boyfriend.
I don't have to make dinner for anyone.
I can workout whenever I want to.
I am grateful for three great days in Monterey.
I am grateful for big showers and small steam rooms.
I am grateful for the ease of this town.
I am grateful for being up late working.
I'm about thirty pages in on this new play.
I am eating well. So much better than the "floating Dennys."
Molly and I went to Whole Foods and had dinner.
I spent the day at the spa working. Although, the boyfriend commented that I like going to the spa a lot, which offended me. It felt like he was saying I was just having a good time. But I am more productive when I am being good to myself rather than beating myself up. It's a lesson that has taken me too long to figure out. Because whether or not I like going to the spa for fun, the truth is that I got twenty pages out of it today. SO THERE!
I have gone on two runs.
I am going for a longer run tomorrow. I think I'm going to try and run to Pacific Grove and back. Then dinner with Molly tomorrow night.
So I'm trying to have Act One rewritten by then. I am close. I have one scene to write from scratch, but most of the other scenes will be recycled in some way. So by tomorrow I should have finished Act One of my play and then I'm putting it down and starting work on the pilot.
I also want to do boot camp with the boys in SF on Saturday. I need to get my ass kicked by Bill and I want to just push my limits.
So…why is writing out of town so much better?
Because I'm out of my routine.
I can come home and not have to be a good boyfriend.
I don't have to make dinner for anyone.
I can workout whenever I want to.
I am grateful for three great days in Monterey.
I am grateful for big showers and small steam rooms.
I am grateful for the ease of this town.
I am grateful for being up late working.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Retreat Day Three: Mid Day Report
Another run this morning.
Same path, down past
the shopping center,
into a dirt path,
down the rabbit hole towards the ocean.
Ran through town and to the fancy hotel
in town.
Got lots of looks, despite
my Adidas swag
and my LA swagger. Guess that don't
matter much here.
Snacked and ate
and had my tea
and had a great conversation about
the preciousness of words with Molly.
14 pages so far on this script.
4 more as of this morning.
Getting ready for a spa day
to write and get inspired.
I have to write a dirty scene.
Might as well
get clean first.
I am grateful for spas.
I am grateful for inspiration.
I am grateful to be here.
I am grateful for my iTunes library.
I am grateful to be taking care of myself.
Same path, down past
the shopping center,
into a dirt path,
down the rabbit hole towards the ocean.
Ran through town and to the fancy hotel
in town.
Got lots of looks, despite
my Adidas swag
and my LA swagger. Guess that don't
matter much here.
Snacked and ate
and had my tea
and had a great conversation about
the preciousness of words with Molly.
14 pages so far on this script.
4 more as of this morning.
Getting ready for a spa day
to write and get inspired.
I have to write a dirty scene.
Might as well
get clean first.
I am grateful for spas.
I am grateful for inspiration.
I am grateful to be here.
I am grateful for my iTunes library.
I am grateful to be taking care of myself.
Retreat Day Two: Running Towards an Opening
I got up.
First Victory.
I put on my running shoes--
my brand new running shoes
that I got at the Adidas Employee Store
(half off, no sales tax) and that I
haven't broken in yet--
and I headed out the door.
One foot in front of the other.
Down a trail,
past a Super 8,
along side the morning traffic,
smelling exhaust,
Monday morning blues
invade the air and release a grumpy grey groan.
I'm getting warmed up.
My body overheats and keeps me warm
on a cool May morning,
my favorite kind of running weather:
cold, but not teeth chattery.
I make it to the water and look out at all of the boats in the Marina.
I run around a bit,
dancing on cobblestones,
pretend that I'm Rocky on the west coast
with tiny staircases
surrounding me
up and down
up and down
gotta fly now
not very far
I'm getting warmed up
and head back up Pacific
from the Pacific.
A steady incline
makes me think about the uphill battle
I am facing today,
but I let my body to the processing
instead of my mind
and I just make it up the hill
I take a break if I need to.
But I keep climbing.
I write and I get distracted.
I make phone calls.
I take care of a hotel refund
from the weekend
and I yell at a couple of customer service
representatives
who maybe hadn't had their morning coffee yet.
I'm just getting warmed up.
Going to the gym
for my favorite activity
of looking at unsuspecting naked guys
in the shower. The unconscious way
they soap themselves up
and touch their genitals
for utilitarian purposes and
cleanliness and not pleasure.
I admire how unaware they are.
I however am always aware.
I am getting warmed up and I go
to the gym for my workout
Chest today.
Plus back.
Three exercises each and I'm out.
Eye candy, but I'm trying to focus.
Fucus, my friend Stephan used to
say back in New York when we both
worked in an office on Madison Avenue.
Back to the showers, all of the cute boys
have gone and I pack up to leave.
At the library the pages start coming.
Three, but I'm trying.
I call the boyfriend on the way back up the hill
I ran up earlier. The drive reminds me
that it's only a hill that I have to get up anyway
so I might as well
just climb.
He asks me how far I've gotten.
I pause. There are so many ways to answer this.
I tell him it's an unfair question
because it's not quantifiable like that.
It's really a dumb question,
but I'm getting warmed up, so I can't
get mad. I feel good about those three pages
so that's all that matters.
I get off the phone quickly because I don't want
him to feel he did something wrong.
It's just a question. It's just a hill.
By the time I get home, sit down and get work done,
I'm up to seven pages.
Then I'm up to ten pages.
I text him each time
and remind him that the information provided needs
to be volunteered and not asked about.
I'm a writer. That's enough of an explanation
and that's all he's going to get.
Ten pages, huh?
I'm just getting warmed up.
I am grateful for ten new pages.
I am grateful for morning runs.
I am grateful for evening drinks.
I am grateful for good days.
I am grateful for sore legs.
I am grateful for progress.
I am grateful for my chest and back workouts.
I am grateful for men to keep me distracted.
I am grateful for having the time to do this.
First Victory.
I put on my running shoes--
my brand new running shoes
that I got at the Adidas Employee Store
(half off, no sales tax) and that I
haven't broken in yet--
and I headed out the door.
One foot in front of the other.
Down a trail,
past a Super 8,
along side the morning traffic,
smelling exhaust,
Monday morning blues
invade the air and release a grumpy grey groan.
I'm getting warmed up.
My body overheats and keeps me warm
on a cool May morning,
my favorite kind of running weather:
cold, but not teeth chattery.
I make it to the water and look out at all of the boats in the Marina.
I run around a bit,
dancing on cobblestones,
pretend that I'm Rocky on the west coast
with tiny staircases
surrounding me
up and down
up and down
gotta fly now
not very far
I'm getting warmed up
and head back up Pacific
from the Pacific.
A steady incline
makes me think about the uphill battle
I am facing today,
but I let my body to the processing
instead of my mind
and I just make it up the hill
I take a break if I need to.
But I keep climbing.
I write and I get distracted.
I make phone calls.
I take care of a hotel refund
from the weekend
and I yell at a couple of customer service
representatives
who maybe hadn't had their morning coffee yet.
I'm just getting warmed up.
Going to the gym
for my favorite activity
of looking at unsuspecting naked guys
in the shower. The unconscious way
they soap themselves up
and touch their genitals
for utilitarian purposes and
cleanliness and not pleasure.
I admire how unaware they are.
I however am always aware.
I am getting warmed up and I go
to the gym for my workout
Chest today.
Plus back.
Three exercises each and I'm out.
Eye candy, but I'm trying to focus.
Fucus, my friend Stephan used to
say back in New York when we both
worked in an office on Madison Avenue.
Back to the showers, all of the cute boys
have gone and I pack up to leave.
At the library the pages start coming.
Three, but I'm trying.
I call the boyfriend on the way back up the hill
I ran up earlier. The drive reminds me
that it's only a hill that I have to get up anyway
so I might as well
just climb.
He asks me how far I've gotten.
I pause. There are so many ways to answer this.
I tell him it's an unfair question
because it's not quantifiable like that.
It's really a dumb question,
but I'm getting warmed up, so I can't
get mad. I feel good about those three pages
so that's all that matters.
I get off the phone quickly because I don't want
him to feel he did something wrong.
It's just a question. It's just a hill.
By the time I get home, sit down and get work done,
I'm up to seven pages.
Then I'm up to ten pages.
I text him each time
and remind him that the information provided needs
to be volunteered and not asked about.
I'm a writer. That's enough of an explanation
and that's all he's going to get.
Ten pages, huh?
I'm just getting warmed up.
I am grateful for ten new pages.
I am grateful for morning runs.
I am grateful for evening drinks.
I am grateful for good days.
I am grateful for sore legs.
I am grateful for progress.
I am grateful for my chest and back workouts.
I am grateful for men to keep me distracted.
I am grateful for having the time to do this.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Embracing what does not feel good...
This is what happens when you set a whole week to write and then give you yourself two big deadlines to meet:
You don't want to write.
You don't want to be a writer any more.
You don't want to this.
You would rather eat.
You would rather do almost anything else.
You listen to lots of music.
You eat lots of snacks.
You think about hooking up with people.
I gave myself a tight schedule in my last blog post.
I think I need to do away with that and just let the week be the week.
I have all the time in the world.
That has to be the lie I tell myself.
I love lying to myself.
It's my favorite thing in the world.
I don't need to put this much pressure on myself.
I just need to motherfucking relax!
And listen to more Mary J. Blige.
NEW RETREAT RULE: When it's not coming, get outside! Let nature inspire you, fool!
I am grateful for MJB.
I am grateful for this little bungalow up the coast.
I am grateful for life and working out.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for my computer.
I am grateful for snacks.
You don't want to write.
You don't want to be a writer any more.
You don't want to this.
You would rather eat.
You would rather do almost anything else.
You listen to lots of music.
You eat lots of snacks.
You think about hooking up with people.
I gave myself a tight schedule in my last blog post.
I think I need to do away with that and just let the week be the week.
I have all the time in the world.
That has to be the lie I tell myself.
I love lying to myself.
It's my favorite thing in the world.
I don't need to put this much pressure on myself.
I just need to motherfucking relax!
And listen to more Mary J. Blige.
NEW RETREAT RULE: When it's not coming, get outside! Let nature inspire you, fool!
I am grateful for MJB.
I am grateful for this little bungalow up the coast.
I am grateful for life and working out.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for my computer.
I am grateful for snacks.
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