Jealous Guy

I'm not a jealous guy. Anymore.

And that's such a shock to me. I think people meet me and I do a pretty good job at convincing them I'm a good dude.

As my friend Carrie said today at coffee (where we both had tea, so TEA): "I'm not always nice, but I'm kind." I would amend that for myself and say that I'm often not nice. I was raised by a father who wasn't nice at all. So the fact that I have any niceness in me is an improvement. But kind of unnecessary. I believe that I'm a fair person. I believe that I'm a good person. But being nice is about appearances. It's about how you want people to regard you. Being kind is a gentle way of living and it goes down deep to your soul. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is not the nicest. Sometimes it's raw honesty. Sometimes it's letting them go.

But back to convincing people I'm a good guy. I think that's how people regard me. I try to be generous. I try to be supportive. Most of my life I've been that way. Most recently, I have really understood what it truly means not to be jealous.

About three or four years ago (who can remember now), I went through a period where I HATED Facebook because all I saw were people's happy lives and accomplishments. And I turned green. I was so mad that things were happening for them and not for me. I went through a solid year feeling this way and hating myself for feeling this way. I had a job that wasn't good. I was in a relationship that wasn't good. I felt trapped by my life. I felt stuck. I thought it would never end. I often wondered if life up until the age of 30 was a total joke. I had accomplished so much in those first 30 years that I thought God was fucking with me. Would I be one of those people who regret their lives? Would I be someone who the cards were stacked against?

Then a lot of things happened. Yes, my Dad got sick and all of that. That was a big change. But my response to all of that grief and pain was to take care of myself. I had spent so much of my life--all of my life to that point--being so hard on myself. So I just decided to be good to myself. I wrote through all of these life changes. I didn't worry about what I was going to sell. I didn't worry about getting a writing job. I didn't worry that my career hadn't really started yet. I wrote because I needed an escape. I wrote because it made sense to write. I wrote to come back into myself.

And I started being more patient with everyone else because I was more patient with myself. I met someone who I've been with for over 3 1/2 years who reflects that back to me on a daily basis. Someone who taught me his kindness. And someone for whom I show how not to be nice. Right now, he still sees that as being mean. But hopefully he won't feel that way forever.

I started meditating. I started letting go of a lot of pain and anxiety. I started living my life differently.

Every so often, something will happen that will show me how I have changed.

Last night, I was at a meeting for something called MADLabs. It's a play development program where I will be writing a new play from scratch and developing it through three readings, a workshop and a retreat with the help of a dramaturg.  It's support. And it's the chance to meet new writers and work with new collaborators. I think it's a great group.

But here's where I am different. All of the writers had to speak about their project, their process and their goals. Normally, I like to go first. I tell myself it's because I am brave. It's really because I am narcissistic. I want to tell everyone what I am doing and what is on my mind. Then I can focus on the other four. This time I didn't volunteer to go first. So I figured I'd go second. Then third. Then fourth. But I went last.

And I listened to everyone's explanation of their projects and processes and what they wanted. I listened and got excited for all of them. I was fully engaged. And I realized how much I had changed. I was truly present for other people in ways that I pretended to be for so long. And I'm not saying this is the first time this has happened, but I noticed it because I was in a situation I was excited about and I didn't just make it all about me. I used to tell myself that I was just enthusiastic and excited so I couldn't contain my energy and had to think about my project as other people were speaking. I used to tell myself that's why I would tune out.

I didn't tune out!

And it felt good. I felt like I was truly giving myself to this new community and in turn, I would get a lot back from them. And I did.

I had another experience last year with a couple of friends who were going through their own jealousy things. I had some friendships break up because of it. And I got to see first hand what my own jealousy used to look like. It was ugly. I was hurt by it. And yet, I understood it. But I was really glad not to be there any more.

I was really happy to be at the Edendale Grill last night with a bunch of theatre folks who were excited for each other and eager to start.

Maybe I got there because I've been a teacher.
Maybe I got there because I haven't been in the "business" on a day to day level.
Maybe I got there because I'm meditating.
Maybe I got there because I watch Super Soul Sunday.
Maybe I got there because of my boyfriend.
Maybe I got there because I'm older now.

I don't know. But I'm there. I arrived and didn't even know it. Earlier than I expected.

I am grateful for this blog.
I am grateful for new relationships.
I am grateful for writers.
I am grateful that I am getting what I want from my community.
I am grateful that I am being better to myself.

Steering Myself in the Right Direction

I love to write.
That has been clear and simple since I was a kid.
It seems that when I have this sole focus on making a living from it that I run into trouble.
But it's not that there's anything wrong with it.

It's just that when I take my focus away from the labor and put it on the rewards, on the fruits of my labor, then I run into trouble.

I have this pilot I'm writing.
And in my head, I'm thinking with my old brain:

"I need to get this done by this week in order to turn it into this person so that this thing can happen and then…"

But what's the "and then?"

And then I will be rich and famous.
And then everyone will know how great I truly am.
And then what?

I love having goals.
I love having a plan.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But it's when I anticipate a set result that something doesn't sit right.

I have plenty of friends who have this relentless ambition and put in real hard work and do get results.
That approach hasn't worked for me.

You know, the Universe sends you these signs to let you know where you're at.
They are right in front of your face, plain as day.
I just saw a posting from an acquaintance that I worked next to four years ago.
We shared the same office space and this person was an assistant to a show runner.
This person posted a picture of Facebook yesterday and this person is STILL an assistant to a different show runner.
That person has spent the last four years (and some before that, I'm assuming) being an assistant.
I remember that life. I spent a lot longer than that doing the same thing.
But is that person any closer to where she wants to be?

I don't know that. I can't answer that question for her.
But I can answer that question for myself.
That could have been me.
It's like the world's longest audition for a bit part.
It's an entry level gig, this staff writing thing.
And I need to prove to you how great I am at answering the phone?
Some how that qualifies me?

I am great at answering phones.
I am great at organizing people's lives, including my own.
I am great at making people feel at ease.
I am great at all the things that one does when they work for someone else.

But the problem is that I am also an incredible writer.
I have spent the past four years writing.
Not getting paid.
Not being in the mix.
Not being in the vicinity of the writers room.
I have made sacrifies in order to write every day.
To the point that when the writing isn't there that day, it feels awful.
I have been feeling awful for the past month or so.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I have been feeling awful for the past three months.
When I am not writing I feel awful.
I spent seven years feeling awful.
And that doesn't mean writing wasn't happening.
But it wasn't where my heart was.
It wasn't what I was spending most of my time doing.
It wasn't what I was proclaiming to the Universe.

For so long, it seemed that my greatness at being a right hand man was coming into direct conflict with the writer I am.
When you have been away from not being yourself you start to forget what it felt like.
That having "writer's block" or "procrastinating all day" might feel bad.
But losing parts of your soul leaves so much more damage
and you don't even feel it because you are distracted all day
by phone calls,
emails,
funny You Tube links,
your boss' concerns,
your boss' anger,
your boss' life.
There is so much white noise that you don't notice that you're dying inside.

I might not be inspired every day.
But every day I show up.
Every day I appear.
So that the muse knows where to find me.
And if I'm in doubt that the muse even remembers my address,
I pick up my Bible,
THE WAR OF ART,
and I read.
I remember that this is a daily battle.
One bad day
isn't the worse thing in the world.

And I remember that even though it feels like it has been three months
since I have actually done something,
that's not true.
When I had my office over those six months or so,
I had days like this too.
But I also had a space I was paying for where I could
lay on the ground in a fetal position,
or masturbate
or procrastinate.
I had a home to do that in.
And it felt okay because I was in the space to get things done.
You know what,
it's still okay.
Even if I don't go to an office every day.
I still am present to the work.
I can still do it.
I am still doing it.
I haven't missed the mark or gone in the wrong direction.
I just needed to know where the road is
and what the boundaries are.
And sometimes you need to run off the road a bit to remember where the road is.

See?
Writing makes me feel better.
Even if I don't know what I am saying.

I am grateful for fingers that type.
I am grateful for a study room in a library in Pico Rivera.
I am grateful for the sunlight to shine in and remind me that there's a world out there.
I am grateful for my smile.
I am grateful for my patience.
I am grateful for The War of Art.
I am grateful for my new headphones which block out the sound and look nice.
I am grateful for my cell phone.
I am grateful that I get to see two of my favorite men tonight.
I am grateful for a community.
I am grateful for Tuesdays.
I am grateful that I am a writer.
I am grateful that life gets better.

Writing a Soap Opera is Hard

I probably have written about ten or so full length plays in my lifetime. I have written plays with complicated structure. I have written plays about social issues. I have written satires. I have written broad comedy. But nothing is harder than writing a TV pilot. That doesn't mean that writing TV is more intellectual or more challenging. It doesn't mean it's dumb either. But in TV you're writing on a shoestring budget. Obviously, I don't mean once you get something produced. But in terms of language and what has to happen in such a short amount of time, you have to be economical in how you spend those words.

I am working on my third or fourth draft of this pilot. I wrote a version of it that I loved. Then I decided it needed to be bigger, more of a saga, and that's when it got so much harder. I was scared of going into melodrama territory. But here's the thing that happened. As the stakes got higher, the emotion got deeper. The personal relationships really started to appear to me in such a pronounced way.

I have friends who don't outline. I have always been critical of writing a TV script or a screenplays without a map. It's so much harder and completely unnecessary. When I'm writing a pilot, I'm thinking of:

• What the character is doing
• How their actions affect who they are by the end of the script
• How their actions reflect who they'll be in the next episode or in the arc of the season.
• How they relate to the other characters
• How the choices reflect their internal and external struggle
• What they're saying
• What they're not saying
• Laying out clues to who they will reveal themselves to be
• The big moments
• The small moments

I'm thinking of a lot of things and in order to keep everything straight, I need to know the actions that are coming up. I need to see what material I have that can be moved up. I need to be constantly upping the ante--that's what this kind of dramatic writing is about. So maybe there's something I have planed for Act Four that I can reveal now. Then Act Four gets a lot more intense.

The first two drafts of this script were what I do well: personal moments in relationships. Then I decided to blow it up and make the characters larger than life and their journeys more epic. What I really did was raise the stakes. And that made everything that happened so much more vital. Then that revealed who these people really are.

I have a character die in the beginning of this script. And I outlined something beautiful about legacy and about the past coming to haunt the present. I changed the title to reflect the subject matter and the theme much more articulately. As the script swum around in my head, more things were being revealed to me. I had gotten to half way in my script when I was at a stand still. I just thought I had to push through this blockade.

Then I went to a concert on Thursday night and I started day dreaming as the songs were going on. A few days before I had written some ideas about upcoming episodes. This is also why I think it's important to do a bible. I think doing a bible helps with the larger arcs. I wanted a hypothetical episode 2 to be about the funeral. As I was day dreaming at the concert, I started thinking about how much fun the funeral was going to be to write. I started to get jealous that I wouldn't write the funeral.

Then I realized I had to write the funeral.

I have a great teaser. But then Act One needs to open at the funeral. Then everything that happens and every conversation that happens in Act One takes on a stronger meaning if it's happening at the funeral. It has greater resonance.  I had an aha moment.  So I spent yesterday and part of today just working that out in an outline. I changed things around. It all got deeper. I got to give some context while moving story forward by doing a funeral.  

I was a little concerned that I had too many events. The story opens up at an awards ceremony. Then we go to a funeral. And the end of the script is a big event. But I also think that ritual is important. Reminding the audience of how these characters are in public and in private is also important.

I love to write. I love to write fast. Sometimes the idea is bursting forth and has been marinating so long that it's ready to get on the grill.  But sometimes things haven't marinated long enough. I wrote two big drafts of the script in October. Then nothing until January.

I have been beating myself up for it over the past several months. November: gone. December: gone. But here's something I'm starting to realize. It's not just about going fast, fast, fast, fast. If I don't let an idea grow and mature. If I don't give it some space to get better, then I'm just writing unripened scripts. That doesn't mean that there aren't some scripts that fall out because they've been maturing in my head for a long time. That doesn't mean that I can't go fast sometimes. But I can't think that I am going to grow and get better as a writer if every script I write is churned out. 

Patience has always been a bit lesson for me. So I'm still learning it. If last year was about productivity, maybe this year is about patience.

Who knows? It's only January.

I am grateful for knowledge.

I am grateful for beauty.

I am grateful for ideas that make me excited.

I am grateful for patience.

I am grateful for an office to use this weekend.

Getting Ready: Q1 2015

Since I've spent the past two months recovering from the previous ten and refilling my tank, I suppose it's good to really start planning for what I'm going to get done at least in the first quarter of 2015.

January 2015

I have this new play to write. One that absolutely terrifies me. That's funny because I also have a pilot to rewrite that terrifies me. So maybe 2015 is the year of being scared shitless and doing it anyway. I have either a preoccupation or an obsession with death. It's all over these two projects. I never wrote about death before my Dad died. Or I never went after it like I am preparing to do with these two projects. Maybe that's what's scaring me. I can't figure it out. It's paralyzing. And it makes no sense to me, especially after getting so much done earlier this year.

So in January, I'll probably be finishing up the rewrite on the pilot and getting ready to start the new play.

February 2015

That's easy. It's the Playwrights Union Writing Challenge. So I'll be writing a play.

I'm also assuming both the Sundance and Humanitas deadlines will be this month. So the pilot needs to be done by February in order for me to submit.

March 2015

I should be thinking about writing some new spec for these writers fellowships that are coming along. I'm usually writing them the month they are due. Maybe I should take a different approach this year and give myself an ample amount of time to get shit done.

I'll also be rewriting the play and getting it ready for our May festival.

And that's the first part of my year. I'm sure other things will come up. Things I need to attend to. But for now, that's where my year will begin. I'm not going to set a certain amount of scripts I need to write. I'm not going to try and top five in a year. I might even need to go back and rewrite some things that I wrote in 2014. Take another look at my screenplay.

I'm setting myself up for a busy first quarter. But that's good. Set the pace. Get things moving.

I am grateful to get the year started right.
I am grateful to have a plan.
I am grateful to know what I want to work on.
I am grateful for good ideas.

Closing Out the Year

Offices across the country are doing their year-end reviews. They're "closing out" 2014. Since I've loved the financial metaphor of looking at each Quarter, I guess it makes sense that I'm closing out this year.

This year was great. It was productive. It was exciting. I got a lot done. The 4th Quarter of the year was good. I finished a new pilot. I got some feedback. And that was over a month ago. I'm not sure why that feels like such a letdown. I wrote five scripts this year! I got notes from a manager who I like a little over a month ago. Yet, I feel that since I didn't write that next draft in 30 seconds or less that I've failed. I need to stop negating my success by looking at what I didn't get done in the past five weeks. It's stupid.

I have an approach to this next draft. Fear's holding me back a little bit. I'm also planning out my next play. I have the first quarter of 2015 spoken for with two projects. I need to slow my roll a bit and give myself a break.

I have so much more room in which to be so much nicer to myself. And more patient. Why is that so hard for me?

That's part of what I have to close out.

I have two full-length pilots I'm ready to show.
Plus a new screenplay.
I have two plays they can look at.

If someone wants to look at my comedy samples, I have two pilots. One single camera. And one multi-camera
I've got sketches.
I'm ready to go.

I've successfully fashioned myself into a new writer.
This new pilot is a darker take on what I do.
I'm ready to take that leap.
I'm ready to make that jump.

My new play is way dark.

I have a feeling that 2015 is going to be the year of the darkness.
I have to just dive in and stop being afraid of my dark side.
I have to go there.

I am so grateful for all of the writing I did this year.
It made me a better writer.
Five scripts will do that.

I just have to seal the deal with this last rewrite.

I am grateful for a wonderful productive year.
I am grateful for the new love I have for myself.
I am grateful for a patient and loving boyfriend.
I am grateful that I took a year to write.
I am grateful that I did what I wanted.
I am grateful that I have effectively redefined myself as a writer and as a person.
I am grateful to see the changes in me take shape.

Party Season

Oh, the holiday party season is here.
Cue the Christmas Carols.
Watch your boozing.
Get out your fat pants.
It's time to shake your ass and be a dancing monkey.

Our Playwrights Union had their annual Holiday party on December 1st.
That was a lot of fun. I got to hang out with old friends and drink beers
in Downtown LA. I schmoozed a bit and shook my ass a bit too.
Tonight I think I'm heading to another Holiday party.
This one has a suggested donation, which I think is a bit of a crock,
but it's a good excuse to see friends and
celebrate good Holiday cheer.
We'll see how long I last. Last year's party was very nice.
This year's should be cool too.
But the party I'm really looking forward to is a party I was just invited to
for the best ad agency in the world.
I'm going with my best friend's aunt who works there and who invited me to
be her plus one.
This is a real holiday party.
Free food.
Free booze.
Dancing and tomfoolery.
That's MY type of holiday party.
I don't want to have to bring something.
I don't want to have to donate because it's a "fundraiser."
I don't want to have to buy my own drinks.
I want to get plastered, to be well fed and to be given a voucher
to get my ass home in a town car.
The last part might not happen, although it used to when I worked for another
big ad agency in Portland. That was always a cool thing.
The ad party has a theme: monochromatic.
So I have to go look for an outfit that will be all one color.
I wear a lot of grey, so I could do that with a sparkly silver sequined hat.
I have a pair of aqua blue pants, so I'm thinking of doing different blues.
I have to see what I find.
But I want to mix it up.
Those are the holiday parties I miss.
Back in the day when I used to work in an industry with money.
Being a playwright is absolutely gratifying to my soul,
but not so much when it comes to the quality of holiday parties.
I'm also expecting a special holiday guest,
like a Lady Gaga or a Cher
singing "Silver Bells."
That's on my list this year.

I am grateful for holiday parties.
I am grateful for another wonderful year.
I am grateful for good times and good friends.
I am grateful for places to go.

A December to Remember?

Well, this has been an interesting month and it's only the 2nd.

I got hired for a freelance gig a week ago.
And I got fired today.
Due to circumstances that have nothing to do with me.
But that's just the way that it worked.

So I'm going to take that information this way:

This is going to be an exciting and unpredictable month.

I'm a risktaker.
Right?
That seems to be what I'm telling myself these days.
I have had a year that has been unpredictable.
So why shouldn't the end of the year be that way?

I'm going to take it in stride and accept that the rest of the year will be full of fun, freedom and unpredictability. Because that's all I can do.
I have been in control of my destiny all year
and it's not right to end it with someone else in control of my life.
And it's not a good omen for 2015 either.
I have to leave that in my past.
And getting fired was such a sign of that because I went and did some freelancing for an old boss.
And ran into old problems.
That shouldn't have been a surprise.
But I have moved on from that.
This last experience certainly taught me that.

I'm always looking for the lesson.
And here are the ones that I've come up with:

• Don't do something only for money.
• Leave the past in the past.
• You tell people the way you want to be treated (I can't take credit for that one, that's what my friend Susan told me).
• There's more out there.
• Don't give up.
• Don't settle.
• Don't become them.
• Know thyself.
• Kill them with kindness.

Now they're just sounding like bumper stickers, not lessons.

I don't deserve to be treated like somebody's slave. That's a lesson. And my self-respect can't be traded in for a paycheck. There's another one.

I'm not that person any more. I'm not someone who can stomach being unhappy anymore. The good news is that I'm repellant to that kind of behavior. I was telling someone earlier that the big lesson is that my reaction and response to the environment around me is more important than trying to stay away from bad behavior. It's Hollywood. Bad behavior is fortified and supported. In some cases, it's encouraged. There's nothing I can do to it. All I can do is control my response. That's what I am in control of.

Just as unpredictable this sudden freelance gig was is its short span. Here today, gone tomorrow. Again, that's the unpredictability and excitement of life in play. So all I can do is be playful about it all and get excited for the next unexpected adventure to come.

And it's only Day Two. So I'm counting on this being quite the December to Remember.

I am grateful for unpredictability.

I am grateful for fun.

I am grateful for good friends and inspiration.

I am grateful for the people in my life who bring out the very best in me.

I am grateful for all of my good fortune.