The Process of Productivity

Two years ago I made a commitment to a writing schedule that would be rigorous enough to get me ready to write on a high level. And I was successful in that. I wrote eight scripts in two years. And now in this third year, I have a pretty rigorous work schedule. In January, I wrote a rewrite of a pilot. Then in February I wrote a new play because I needed a distraction after finishing a play that took over my life for a year. A friend of mine reminded me that I sacrificed everything to get that play done. I sacrificed my time and ultimately my relationship. Thankfully, that play got me a TV job and a new manager. Now the work begins on getting me an agent and making me competitive in this work place. 

Am I ready for that? I don't know. I know that I like being productive. I like producing a lot of original material. I think staffing is a part of that learning process for me. I do need to be staffed on a broadcast, cable or streaming show. I know that the process will be even more rigorous, but this is the level that the people I want to be standing toe to toe are operating at. 

I also know that if I smooth out my edges, I won't be competitive. I have to staff in order to understand the rigor and the requirements of working at such a high level. But I also have to be writing and getting my plays produced in order to keep my sensibilities awake and alive. The creative without the competitive means that I'm not pushing myself to tell stories faster, learner, and clearer. The competitive without the creative means that I'm not writing to what personally and uniquely makes me an interesting writer. I'm making some observations about my fellow writers - not just in my room - but all around me. When people don't have a "creative outlet" - i.e. when they're not writing their own original material that does not have to do with just writing spec pilots and samples specifically for the purpose of selling or getting jobs, then what they're writing for work or to get work becomes their creative outlet. They need to have ownership of that material because it validates the work they're putting into it. I'm learning that TV writing is pure craft, it's pure athleticism and endurance. You need endurance and athleticism in order to be able to accomplish certain things. A dancer or choreographer can have passion, heart and creativity, but without that sheer ability, the movement isn't articulated as best as it can be. TV writing is pure, direct, muscular linear storytelling. It's the kind of storytelling that's impressive. It's the effort and skill that allows one to execute a triple turn or a grande jette. There's a pure physicality that needs to be impressive. TV writing is that. But without the soul the movement doesn't mean anything. And that soul is the creative part of our being. Writers have a lot to accomplish in order to be amazing. I will always choose a passionate dancer over a technically perfect one. But when I see technical perfection, I can't help but be impressed by it. And when I see both…that's magic.

That's the magic I want to get to in my writing. So the technical jobs I take have to do with achieving that level of skill. But if I don't take that back to my pilot writing, then my pilots can't be as effective as I need them to be in order to get me jobs. 

Hard work is one thing.

Practical experience is another.

Learning the skill of writing is something entirely different.

And the magic, undefinable "it" is yet another thing.

All of these skills need to be working in tandem in order to achieve the great stuff.

Will I ever get there? Eventually. 

As long as I can get paid to get better, then I'll be happy.

I am grateful for the rigor of my writing life right now.

I am grateful for the improvement that comes from doing it and doing it a lot.

I am grateful that I am being challenged.

I am grateful for the time necessary to get better.

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful for multiple projects that are keeping me busy.

Don't Believe the Hype

My friends and I have had conversations lately about the topic that all out of work writers bring up when hanging out together:

When's it going to happen?

And honestly, there's no way to know that. It doesn't help to know that there's no way to know. It's frustrating and plays into our need to control. As writers, the whole reason we started writing is that we wanted to change the story. We wanted to rewrite our stories the way we would have them turn out. So to find out that there's no control over what happens to us and our careers feels like someone took a big dump along the path to our success that we can't help but step in. And every moment we're on that path we're constantly reminded of that lack of control because of the footprint and the stank of that poop that follows us. And even once that smell is gone, it's the memory of the smell and the footprint that we have no control and that there's nothing we can do.

I'm in this place in my life where I understand that worrying does nothing. You get the job whether or not you worry. And you don't even have to stop worrying to get the job. That does nothing too. You can be at a high level of freak out and the anxiety has not gotten in the way of your focus and you get the job. Some people believe that's a part of the process. But here's what I know now that I didn't know three months ago:

Whatever level of anxiety you have when you walk into the writer's room increases at least tenfold once you start working.

Substitute "first break" or "first deal" or "first opportunity" for the writer's room. Yes, anxiety might not stop you from getting that opportunity, but it will certainly be a massive impediment from you getting as far as you want to. At the very least, it will slow you down. And anxiety is just a shitty state of mind to be in. I meditate. I have preached a life of mindfulness and stillness. And STILL, I walked into that writer's room and it brought out every insecurity I have. Sure, my insecurity is less than it used to be. But I had prided myself of getting rid of my anxiety. If anything, getting this first writing gig made me aware of how much work there is still left to do if ridding myself of anxiety is a goal.

Now that I'm happily in the middle of my process of the first job, the next question that attempts to squash that happiness appears: When's the next job happening? And instantly, I'm back to that worry and that proverbial waiting for the water to boil moment. One of my closest friends, also a writer, and I were talking the other day about how stressful it is to wait for our representatives to do something. And I said something that was meant to be helpful about how you can't stress and how you should focus on the good things that are going on. By the way, as well-intentioned as that sentiment is, you just end up sounding like the asshole who doesn't have to worry because he HAS a job. I've been on both sides of that conversation. And usually the person giving the advice - in this case, me - has a big smile on their face, which is supposed to be positivity. But really it comes off as being smug.

Yet, it's true. You have to focus on the work no matter what. Even when shit is presumably going well.  Late last year I had a reading of a new play that I had developed at this theatre company in town. Everyone was saying how great the play was and that it was going to be picked up somewhere by some development organization or by another theatre for production. Even though it felt great to have those positive responses and I felt strongly about the way, I had to shut down the noise. I had been down this rabbit hole before. I would start believing the hype and then I'd have this expectation after sending in the twenty-plus submissions to illustrious places like the O'Neill, PlayPenn, and Sundance Theatre Lab waiting for my moment. I'd be certain that this is my shot - that I had written a bulletproof play, that it was my best work, so that meant that the world had to love it. It's not enough that I love it because I need MASS ADORATION. Then I would be paying attention to those deadlines and I would spend three hours on each personal essay - just to help my chances, but knowing that the essay could be shit because the play is so brilliant. Then I'd get increasingly more and more disappointed as the rejection letters came in because I was so certain this was it and then I'd go on a diatribe over several drink dates with several different playwrights talking about how the American Theatre was shit or that I was just ahead of my time and would be appreciated posthumously. They'd nod and agree because they love me and are my friends and we've developed co-dependent relationships over the years. Or I'd secretly get mad at them for getting my hopes up months earlier when they talked about how this play was going to take the theatre by storm - they never said that by the way, but that's what I interpreted and it still feels better to let someone else take the blame.

No, I had to shut the shit down. So I started a new play. I had a play I knew I wanted to write. My big reading was in September. I read the first ten pages of the new play some time in October, I believe. I went back to that humble place of feeling vulnerable. Of being scared that I had written something awful. I went to that place of being brand new over again and having no expectation. That's a great place to be because that's really the place I live and it's the place I need to live - starting over. Being in the work and not paying attention to what anyone is saying, good or bad.

I walked into my writer's group that morning and got confronted by the guy who organizes our writer's group, who said he loved the play before I had the chance to share it with the group. That was sweet and it settled my nerves a bit. But the encouragement helped me sit through the first 19 pages of the play being read. The play is bold and it's very exposing. It was also a 180 from what I had done previously. That got me excited to keep going and I finished a draft of that script in February, still bringing in pages to my writer's group from time to time. Now it seems that the company wants to do a workshop/reading of the play after reading the first completed draft.

All of that feels good. It really does. I'm not so unhealthy that I can't appreciate and be thankful for any nice thing someone says about me and my work. But now it's on to the next thing. I have a play rewrite for a reading that's happening next month. I've barely started the rewrite. I'm going to be on deadline this week for my second episode outline. I've got to go in the room and be present and pitch ideas. In the middle of all of this, I was teaching and I produced a 24 hour play event for my students. I just finished grading seven 30-page one act plays. I just turned in an employee manual I was editing and that payment is going into a fund for my new computer, which I can't buy until late May when Mercury is out of retrograde.

There are always good things going on and bad things going on. The key - and what I aspire to - is to keep moving no matter what. By the way, that play that everyone loved is seeing no love so far from the greater theatre community. All rejections so far, no semi-finalist or finalist status. And maybe the American Theatre IS shit and knows nothing. No one knows anything, frankly. But that play got me this job and my new manager. And even if it hadn't gotten me anything, I love it. I'm proud of the play anyway. I'm proud of the work my director, dramaturg and actors helped me with in getting the play to wear it needed to get. I'm grateful to the theatre for providing me with eight months of development. Without that opportunity none of the stuff happening now would be happening. It helped my work ethic. It helped me see what was possible in my work. It taught me a shit ton about the importance of selecting the right team.

The thing I am trying to focus on is the experience. All of these opportunities are helping me work better and making me more skilled as a writer/producer/theatre artist. I now know how much work it really takes to do the things I've talked about doing. The path is getting clearer and clear, which makes me focus stronger.

I am grateful for my writing job.
I am grateful for everything that has happened in my life that has led me here.
I am grateful for good friends and good conversations.
I am grateful for discipline and patience.

Being Present, Continuing the Work

That title feels very self-helpy. Maybe it is. I'm not going to shy away from that. Maybe it's because I'm in San Francisco this weekend that I don't feel a skepticism about doing conscious work on myself. I've had so many conversations with guys this weekend that felt very rooted in them knowing who they are. I have had a whole city of men I've been in contact with who reflect back to me an assurance and a brightness in the eyes that indicates that they are living in the moment.

That doesn't mean I should move to San Francisco. That's not where my work is. But I love focusing on that energy and being connected to it. Right now I'm looking out the window at my friend Bill's house and I see the white blanket of cloudiness. I am in a bed full of white. There's a brightness and an awakens that I'm surrounded by: white light. And I've taken in the reflection of that positive energy all weekend. I've got dancing. I've worked my body. I've eaten well. This entire weekend has been about self care and surrounding myself with friendship and love.

It's important to have that self care and self love reflected back and to remind myself that the work is not over. The work is a constant. I decided to look back at a post from January where I set some intentions. I had a list of things I needed to do in order for things to happen. Those things did not happen in order. And it's April and I've been staffed on a show since February, which was the thing that was at the end of my list.

So what now?

We continue…

Stay in the present moment, which was the point of my meditation this morning. Be aware. All of these good things have happened, I have a new manager now. I'm excited for the adventure of it all. I'm finishing up my commitment to teaching next weekend with the project I'm working on with my students. I will have free time to go back to work and get started on the second half of our season. This weekend was all about renewal. I have been running on reserve energy for some time. I haven't had the chance to decompress and release from the breakup in January. I went straight to work pretty much and haven't stopped.

I have a lot to achieve, but it's important to stop and be in the moment. The work is going to continue. I have my next "Challenge" in my Year of Challenges ahead of me, to rewrite a play I wrote two years ago for a reading coming up. I've had one reading of this play a year for the past two years. This will be the third reading. I've learned so much about myself as a writer in the past two years that it will be great to take those lessons and work on the play now. I've got some incredible notes from my dramaturg that I"m psyched about. So I'm ready for that work to begin. But I'm not making any new plans just yet.

I had talked about keeping my launch pad clear for opportunities to come. I don't know what I'm going to be working on beyond April. My show will be wrapping up and I have to have the same fearlessness I had about my life when I had no money. Having security doesn't mean that I should start living my life in a way to hold onto that security with an iron grip. Being open got me hear and being open will get me to the next place on this great adventure. I 'am not going to give up my free spirit for a paycheck.

I've got the play I just finished in February that seems to be getting people's attention. I want to do work on that as well. I trust that the work I have been doing will get me the next job - or the next few jobs. I will work consistently on what I need to and I won't stop. But I'm not going to stress out over where I need to be next. I'm learning to let go of that. It keeps me confined.

I've done well for myself by having the attitude of being open and leaving a clear space for the rocket ships to land. I'm going to stay in that present moment.

I am grateful to my friend Bill.

I am grateful for the love and kindness and friendship I've felt this weekend.

I am grateful that I get to see college friends starting today.

I am grateful that there is self love in my life.

I am grateful that I am going it alone.

I am grateful that I have a free spirit.

I am grateful that I am excited for life.

I am grateful for my Madonna tee shirt and my Divine tee shirt.

I am grateful that I am representing myself for myself to the fullest extent.

2016: Q2 Goals

Back to the Year of Challenges…

It's April and my goal for this month is to rewrite my play in anticipation for a reading happening in May. Here's the deal. Work starts back up in about a week and a half.

I didn't bring my notes with me to San Francisco, where I am for a few days. So I've got a project that I need to complete so I can get some money so I can buy a new computer by tax time when the school I work at is doing tax free. I can save some money and get a much needed piece of equipment. I can also buy this new computer without busting into any of my writing earnings. That's a great thing.

I have to get that project finished and out the door so I can get a check. I was going to make all of these plans with all of these folks tomorrow, but maybe I should just focus on getting this project done this weekend. Maybe I need to stay up in SF until the afternoon and then drive down to Santa Clara to see a former student and then hang out with my friends. Okay, TMI. but I'm thinking out loud.

But I get back to work on the 11th, so I'd like to get the work project out the door and the play started. That would be incredibly helpful for me because I know that from April 11-22 I won't be doing anything other than working on the show. And that's the way it should be. I'm totally cool with that.

I've got a theatre festival to go to that following weekend. And I'll get to catch up with friends and then I'm basically on my own working on the script. I'll take that last week in April to finish up work on the play and be done with my writing challenge.

May - I don't know that I really have anything set in stone for May. So maybe I can work on the pilot rewrite then. It will be too late for network staffing, but the show I'm writing doesn't really have the sort of structure that would fit for network staffing. I'll probably have to start thinking about a new pilot to write as well.

June - Here's the month where I have set for a non-writing challenge. The fact is that I have another play rewrite I could be starting. I have a new pilot I could be writing as well. I also want to leave the month open for other opportunities to come my way. I'll be fully done with the show by then and I'm open the rest of the year. I'd like to be writing on another show by June. Regardless, I will continue to be busy working on my stuff. If I don't have work I'm getting paid for, I will be writing. My energy will be spent on creating new material, rewriting old material and hopefully having a production at some point soon of another play a theatre is interested in producing. I haven't heard anything.

I'm not planning beyond that at this point because I want to leave my launch pad clear for more opportunities to come my way. It worked so well last time, that I want to continue that pattern. I have committed to the play reading in May. I'm not committing to anything else unless someone wants to do a paid workshop. I love doing readings. But I've had enough readings this year. I don't have any plays I need to work on that are so fresh I need to hear a reading. The new play has taken shape and I want to do some rewriting on it based on what I heard, but I want to take that new draft into a room. And if nothing is happening, I would like to get ready to submit that play for the Fall.

This year is about making a living. I am taking my skills and turning that into a salary. I have gotten much encouragement from the Universe so far this year. Q1 was a great indication of that. Now I want to continue that momentum into Q2.

My weekend away in the Bay Area is about recharging. Actually, I'm here for four and a half days. I'm not doing any writing. I am doing some necessary work tomorrow. But I am here to rejuvenate and to re-inspire myself. I am here to make time for the thing I haven't had much time for lately: friends.

I'd like to find some balance with this new normal of working a lot and getting paid and keeping crazy hours. That's a goal for this Quarter as well and a big Challenge.

I am grateful for every penny I am earning.
I am grateful for every bead of sweat.
I am grateful for every laugh with friends.
I am grateful for every memory.
I am grateful that I can set boundaries and take what I need.

2016: Q1 Review

January through March were an incredibly productive time. A lot happened. Planned and unplanned.

I broke up with my boyfriend - unplanned. And that really started this wave of things that happened. I got a job writing on a web series. I got a new manager. My professional life got a huge jolt of activity.

I met my two writing goals for Q1: I rewrote something I wrote last year, my pilot. And I wrote a new play in February.

I set writing goals for March, even though I didn't have them originally. My writing goal for March was to rewrote the pilot again. I rebroke the story and wrote two drafts of the outline. That's plenty and enough. I didn't formally write the pilot yet. The outline is waiting for me. I'm excited that I finished a draft of the outline I'm excited about. And I do want to write the pilot soon.

Here's the stuff I did do in March. I wrote and wrote my outline for the episode I'm writing. And I wrote several drafts of the episode. And it's turned in. So I wrote a third script in Q1 in March, but it just wasn't the one that I had set out to write. Big fucking deal. I've been incredibly productive.

So here's my page count for Q1: 222 pages in three months. I am thrilled about that.

That's not including outlines or blog posts. That's just pure script pages in draft form. That's in addition to writing on a show, teaching and grading papers.

I have had an incredibly productive Q1 of 2016. And I'm looking forward to what lies ahead on Q2.

I feel like the productivity that I've set for myself and these monthly challenges have really set a pace for my work that's starting to bear fruit.

I am grateful for two jobs.
I am grateful for my students.
I am grateful for my colleagues.
I am grateful that my script turned out well.
I am grateful for the good things that have happened over the past three months.
I am grateful for a new manager.
I am grateful that I'm single.

The Year of Challenges: March

It's the middle of March. Actually, it's the 17th. St. Patrick's Day. I have two weeks left of this month and I am not anywhere near a script for the pilot. I have been working my outline like crazy.

I also have two day jobs right now. I'm teaching. And I'm staffed on a web series. I'm producing a night of theatre for my students. And I just finished coordinating a Play Rewrite Challenge for my theatre group.

I've decided to say no to applying for another writer's group. I've had to postpone a reading that was supposed to happen in April…to May. I'm nervous about getting that done. And now I have a new manager (more on that soon), so there's even more work to be done.

This month's challenge was supposed to be a non-writing Challenge. Like Yoga. Or Hiking. The way this year of Challenges is turning out, it's not going to be that. Maybe my Challenge this month should be to get some sleep. I'm sure that will be an upcoming non writing Challenge. I have to finish this new pilot rewrite by the end of the month. I'm seriously uncertain if this will happen But it needs to because I need another sample to have in case I need it for something.

I've thought about abandoning the Challenges because the point of them was to stay productive. But work has taken care of that. I still think it's important to do my own work while still getting paid for other stuff.

If March's Challenge is a final draft of this pilot.
Then April's will be the play rewrite for the reading.
And May's Challenge will be a new pilot idea suggested by my manager.
Then I'm leaving shit open-ended.
June could be the play rewrite of the play I just finished if I have nothing else to do.

But in the spirit of keeping the path open and making sure my launching pad is clear (this is an idea that worked very well for me earlier and I believe helped make room for the web series job), I am not going to plan anything else for the rest of the year. I'm leaving room for work to start filling those voids.

But at that point I will have rewritten a pilot, written a new play, rewritten that pilot again, rewritten an old play, started a new pilot and rewritten the play I started in February. That's literally a script a month. And it will result in working on three scripts in six months. Plus the two scripts I'm getting paid to do.

Holy shit. That's amazing. I can't complain. I'm working at a breakneck pace.

And then maybe sleep. Somewhere. Somehow.

I am grateful for the rest I do get.
I am grateful for peace and quiet.
I am grateful to have money in my pocket to make plans with friends.
I am grateful for the good things that have happened.
I am grateful for the love of friends and family I have.
I am grateful that I have some peace and quiet. 
I am grateful that I'm seeing some very good playwright friends next month.

The Year of Challenges: February Recap

When I started out in January thinking about giving myself one new Challenge a month, I had no idea how much work would be coming my way. I'm still committed to getting one Challenge done a month, I'm not going to slow down. The original idea was to stay productive. Last month, I got staffed on a web series and that's keeping me busy. I'm writing my first episode this month. And my second episode next month.

In the middle of that I completed my February Challenge. I finished a new play. It's 107 pages. I gave this whole diatribe in a blog post last month about how long this play was going to be and how it was really the first of two plays. I no longer believe that. I went off on intermissionless plays. I heard it read two weeks ago. It's going to be a play without an intermission. I'm restructuring it that way.

I'm amazed at how people are reacting to the new play. I spent eight months last year working on a new play. I had a series of readings and a workshop. Then I sent it off everywhere for development. I didn't want to be obsessing with what was going to happen to it out in the world. So I decided to write a play I had been thinking about since April 2015. And four months later, I finished it. In that amount of time I've worked on two pilots.

With the 61 pages of the pilot I rewrote in January and this play at 107 pages, my page count for the year so far is 168 pages. I've got a lot more to do this year.

I have a play reading in May, so I'll be rewriting another play.
I want to make some minor changes to the new play so I have something ready to be read by the theatre company whose writers group I'm in. The moderator of the group I'm in seems to be really into it.
Then maybe there will be some play development stuff going on with the play I wrote last year and maybe even a production. So I expect my page count will be going up.
I have rewrites of the pilot from January that I need to do. I'm tightening up my outline now.
I'm teaching and grading plays.
I'm getting ready to produce an evening of theatre in April.
There's a shit ton going on.
But I did say I wanted to be busy this year. I am busy.

So right now I'm 2 for 2. I didn't get the secondary challenge of finishing another rewrite of the pilot in February. That's being pushed to this month. More on that…

I am grateful for every word I type.
I am grateful that the work keeps coming.
I am grateful for the new challenges that have come my way.
I am grateful for the new friendships I have made at work.
I am grateful for my students who continue to challenge me.
I am grateful for everything good in my life.