I'm doing the Deepak/Oprah mediation challenge for 21 days. I do it every time it comes up, but I don't maintain my meditation practice beyond that. I want to be better at it. I was really good about my daily meditation about two years ago. I've fallen off - maybe partially because of work and "being busy." But that's no excuse.
I've made great strides in clearing out noise - proverbial and actual - from my life. But I still don't have a daily practice.
It comes down to Time. Time's always a factor in everything. I hear a lot of friends talk about how they don't have time for certain things. Many a friend log off Facebook for a period of time so they can be more productive. They make this big announcement about how they're going off Facebook because they've got important things to do. The same thing holds true about the "writer's cave." I have a lot of friends who bury themselves in their work and make a huge announcement about it. I tend not to announce when I'm disengaging or holing myself up to get work done.
It's a waste of time.
And it's this big grand gesture to let everyone know how much work you're trying to get done. I just tell people when the work is done. I finished a new pilot draft last night. Its only 33 pages - that's not that hard to do. But in order to get those 33 pages done, I had to spend time thinking about the project. I had to make a treatment. I had to write a beat outline, then a full outline, then drafts of that full outline and then I started pages. I asked Cory to hold me accountable to getting things done. I didn't panic when half the month passed by and I hadn't finished a full draft. I knew I had been working. And I didn't let shame or fear get in the way of me finishing. I didn't psyche myself out. A lot of those expectation building gestures tend to freak people out.
Ever since I started eliminating anxiety from my life, I have found time to do a lot more things. I'm going to do an accountability page count in a few days to see how much I have written this year. I think my last number of pure script pages was about 560. I've written drafts of the play since then and this new pilot. Plus, I have outline pages that I also include in another accounting. My last number for that was about 750 with script and outline pages. That number might be close to 1000 now.
But the number isn't important to me. Yes, that number has climbed in the past few years from 1000 to 2000 to 1500. I think it's creeping down even lower this year. But the point is that it's still a high number, even at 1000. And the work itself has gotten better because of the constant grind. I have more opportunities that have taken me away from my computer. I've also logged in hours on set and in rehearsal. Before, all I was doing was writing. Now I'm writing and producing and reading more scripts and running a writers group and talking to students and teaching. The number of hours I'm logging in for paid work keeps increasing, so that's what's ultimately important. I'm also making time for other productive activities.
I don't feel crushed by time these days. Maybe that's because I appreciate everything I'm able to do. Even if I don't get 15 pages done a day, it's fine. And comparing myself every day to my most productive days is ridiculous. I make time every day for the work. And sometimes a lot of it gets done. Other times less gets done. But I'm at it EVERY DAY, which means that a less productive day is still okay.
I've got plans for November and December. And because I'm working every day, they seem more doable. Today I'm taking time to get caught up on other work and to read. And I'll get back to the work tomorrow. I'm not worried that time is running out. I know that it's on my side and I've got all the time in the world as long as I use it.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is growth.
My intention is compassion.
I am grateful for the past seven years.
I am grateful for my own personal growth.
I am grateful for the people in my life now.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Monday, October 16, 2017
Options
Right now, Hollywood seems like a pretty fucked up place to want to work. You've got to do all of this work for free in order to get a shot at something. And you've got to have the right sample - or four of the right samples for any given situation (procedure, light drama, soap, genre, etc.). It's like throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. I know a lot of writers like this.
I don't want to be a writer like this.
Can I even be the writer I want to be and survive in Hollywood?
I contemplated quitting trying to be a professional writer a few years ago after my Dad died. It seemed so frivolous. And after being on Facebook today, I really am annoyed by some of the people in Hollywood. These are people in positions of power - not because they're big studio heads or big producers. But because they are privileged white people. Mainly white men. And they speak for all of us. Or attempt to. I look at the way the industry is and even a mediocre, dickish white guy will have a career over someone who tries to be nice to everyone, does everything they're supposed to, writes provocative work, and knows how to write an effective pilot. I've been told countless times that my stuff is good, even amazing. But it's niche. So it's not the quality of the material, but it's the subject matter. Because to have a sample that has legs, you've got to write something that feels like it can appeal to everyone. But a family's a family. And I can't help that I'm obsessed with the worlds of culture, art, fashion, advertising and not law, medicine or law enforcement.
I can only be me. That does not mean it's going to be well-received.
Does that mean I should give up?
I've said countless times that my voice is important because it's a unique voice. There needs to be solidarity built among other communities of color and LGBT communities. There's strength in numbers. I feel taken care of and looked after by my Latino Gay brothers. But I'm not feeling that sort of love a lot of other places. We need to come together and realize that we're all a part of one being. But we have separated off into factions - we've become territorial. And anything that is not of that territory must be the enemy.
I have been seeing a lot of the #metoo posts on Facebook. This has arisen out of the Harvey Weinstein accusations of sexual harassment and assault. It has happened to a great deal of women. I remember seeing Terry Crews talk about how he was groped by a male executive. I thought it was an odd time to bring it up, but I realize that's also sexual assault. Then I've seen all of these posts on Facebook. I saw one by an old friend of mine who's male. Then I saw one by a friend and former professor. And another by another colleague. I didn't think I should post because I didn't want to take away from the women posting. But then I realized that I was silencing myself and that's when the person who assaulted you wins. It's something I don't talk about often. It's about the first time I had sex. It's about the years before that when I had an ongoing relationship with someone older than me - inappropriately older because I was 14. It's about me not talking about it because I had engaged in these sexual situations willingly at first. It felt consensual and then it didn't. So I posted.
And I got two messages that were not supportive and that accused me of co-oping this moment that belongs to women. And it was by someone I really don't get along with. But we're Hollywood nice to each other because we've worked together. He proceeded to tell me how I should have reacted and scolded me. In other words, he tried to silence me. And while I knew that that was the whole reason I said something because I had to face the silencers, it still hurt. And it still made me feel small. But that's what silence does.
And if I let the silencers win...then that pervasive, dominant, know-it-all voice continues. And that voice is there to shut me up. So I only have one choice...
TO BE LOUDER
I have this new pilot that's aggressively critical of a certain way of thinking that opportunities are being taken away from the privileged. Like we can only succeed so far before we have to slow down and not surpass those who gave us opportunities in the first place. It's complicated because this lead character has a lot. He has all of the things he's told he's supposed to want. And then he sees that this is as far as his colleagues want him to go. And his "friends" thought they'd get further ahead before he did, so it wasn't a problem until he took "the lead." This is exactly what I want to write about right now. And it's in the form of a TV spec pilot that's supposed to get me work. I'm hoping it represents a voice that's not being heard.
My deepest fear is that I won't be heard. That I won't be understood. That I will be silenced. So the minority reaction to my post hit a bullseye on that fear. And now I need to fight back the way I know how to - through my work, through my voice.
My intention is to be heard.
My intention is speak loudly.
My intention is empathy.
I am grateful for the strong reaction that has only fortified my resolve.
I am grateful to be doing something scary and dangerous.
I am grateful to be putting it on the line.
I don't want to be a writer like this.
Can I even be the writer I want to be and survive in Hollywood?
I contemplated quitting trying to be a professional writer a few years ago after my Dad died. It seemed so frivolous. And after being on Facebook today, I really am annoyed by some of the people in Hollywood. These are people in positions of power - not because they're big studio heads or big producers. But because they are privileged white people. Mainly white men. And they speak for all of us. Or attempt to. I look at the way the industry is and even a mediocre, dickish white guy will have a career over someone who tries to be nice to everyone, does everything they're supposed to, writes provocative work, and knows how to write an effective pilot. I've been told countless times that my stuff is good, even amazing. But it's niche. So it's not the quality of the material, but it's the subject matter. Because to have a sample that has legs, you've got to write something that feels like it can appeal to everyone. But a family's a family. And I can't help that I'm obsessed with the worlds of culture, art, fashion, advertising and not law, medicine or law enforcement.
I can only be me. That does not mean it's going to be well-received.
Does that mean I should give up?
I've said countless times that my voice is important because it's a unique voice. There needs to be solidarity built among other communities of color and LGBT communities. There's strength in numbers. I feel taken care of and looked after by my Latino Gay brothers. But I'm not feeling that sort of love a lot of other places. We need to come together and realize that we're all a part of one being. But we have separated off into factions - we've become territorial. And anything that is not of that territory must be the enemy.
I have been seeing a lot of the #metoo posts on Facebook. This has arisen out of the Harvey Weinstein accusations of sexual harassment and assault. It has happened to a great deal of women. I remember seeing Terry Crews talk about how he was groped by a male executive. I thought it was an odd time to bring it up, but I realize that's also sexual assault. Then I've seen all of these posts on Facebook. I saw one by an old friend of mine who's male. Then I saw one by a friend and former professor. And another by another colleague. I didn't think I should post because I didn't want to take away from the women posting. But then I realized that I was silencing myself and that's when the person who assaulted you wins. It's something I don't talk about often. It's about the first time I had sex. It's about the years before that when I had an ongoing relationship with someone older than me - inappropriately older because I was 14. It's about me not talking about it because I had engaged in these sexual situations willingly at first. It felt consensual and then it didn't. So I posted.
And I got two messages that were not supportive and that accused me of co-oping this moment that belongs to women. And it was by someone I really don't get along with. But we're Hollywood nice to each other because we've worked together. He proceeded to tell me how I should have reacted and scolded me. In other words, he tried to silence me. And while I knew that that was the whole reason I said something because I had to face the silencers, it still hurt. And it still made me feel small. But that's what silence does.
And if I let the silencers win...then that pervasive, dominant, know-it-all voice continues. And that voice is there to shut me up. So I only have one choice...
TO BE LOUDER
I have this new pilot that's aggressively critical of a certain way of thinking that opportunities are being taken away from the privileged. Like we can only succeed so far before we have to slow down and not surpass those who gave us opportunities in the first place. It's complicated because this lead character has a lot. He has all of the things he's told he's supposed to want. And then he sees that this is as far as his colleagues want him to go. And his "friends" thought they'd get further ahead before he did, so it wasn't a problem until he took "the lead." This is exactly what I want to write about right now. And it's in the form of a TV spec pilot that's supposed to get me work. I'm hoping it represents a voice that's not being heard.
My deepest fear is that I won't be heard. That I won't be understood. That I will be silenced. So the minority reaction to my post hit a bullseye on that fear. And now I need to fight back the way I know how to - through my work, through my voice.
My intention is to be heard.
My intention is speak loudly.
My intention is empathy.
I am grateful for the strong reaction that has only fortified my resolve.
I am grateful to be doing something scary and dangerous.
I am grateful to be putting it on the line.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
On a Mission
I think about that Vanessa Williams song from the 90s - "Work to Do."
"Oh, I got work to do
I got work baby
I got a job baby
I got work to do
Said I got work to do."
October has been a good month so far. Actually, last week was a good week. I'm day 15 on my Whole 30, so I'm at the halfway mark, which is amazing. I feel better. I'm being told I look better, which is nice. But I'm trying to detox. And honestly, this is the way I should be eating. I love a piece of cheese every now and again and a glass of wine or a cocktail. But maybe being sober is a good way to keep myself focused. I honestly don't miss the booze at all. And it's cheaper when I go out. I'm only drinking to be social. I can do that with sparkling water. But the clarity has made me way more productive.
I've been working on this pilot idea for a few months, just trying to figure out what it is that I want to write about. And in the meantime, I had a second pilot idea. But I don't want to get so overwhelmed with everything that I get nothing done. So I did a treatment of both ideas. And I walked into October with both of those completed, about three or four pages each. I finished a beat outline and a narrative outline last week for the primary idea. And I'm using my class time and exercises to do work on the second idea so I can write something in November. So far that seems manageable. Then I started doing the rewrite of my play, having no idea how to approach changes. I got notes from my dramaturg and director and then decided to start doing some work. I finished that last week too.
It's hard to write when I've got school going on. But I think I've managed a workload and a schedule that seems to be working for me. I got all of my student critiques done for my grad students already and both my undergrad classes don't have assignments this week. I do have some grading for my intro class to do, but that should take up too much time. I'll do that with some down time. But I basically have the week to get my own shit done! And that means the first pilot.
I'm heading to San Diego this week Tuesday through Thursday to meet with all three of my classes. And next week I'm cancelling classes because I'm going to something in town on the day I normally teach. So I have the rest of this month to get this pilot written. I put the play away until my workshop next month, so that's done. And I'll be doing these exercises along side my students for the second pilot, so that work will be happening in class.
What am I trying to do before the end of the year? Well, I'm trying not to freak myself out by setting such large goals. But ideally, I'd like to get both pilots done. I'll have a draft of the play more solid because of all the work we're doing in workshop in November. So here's my loose plan:
"Oh, I got work to do
I got work baby
I got a job baby
I got work to do
Said I got work to do."
October has been a good month so far. Actually, last week was a good week. I'm day 15 on my Whole 30, so I'm at the halfway mark, which is amazing. I feel better. I'm being told I look better, which is nice. But I'm trying to detox. And honestly, this is the way I should be eating. I love a piece of cheese every now and again and a glass of wine or a cocktail. But maybe being sober is a good way to keep myself focused. I honestly don't miss the booze at all. And it's cheaper when I go out. I'm only drinking to be social. I can do that with sparkling water. But the clarity has made me way more productive.
I've been working on this pilot idea for a few months, just trying to figure out what it is that I want to write about. And in the meantime, I had a second pilot idea. But I don't want to get so overwhelmed with everything that I get nothing done. So I did a treatment of both ideas. And I walked into October with both of those completed, about three or four pages each. I finished a beat outline and a narrative outline last week for the primary idea. And I'm using my class time and exercises to do work on the second idea so I can write something in November. So far that seems manageable. Then I started doing the rewrite of my play, having no idea how to approach changes. I got notes from my dramaturg and director and then decided to start doing some work. I finished that last week too.
It's hard to write when I've got school going on. But I think I've managed a workload and a schedule that seems to be working for me. I got all of my student critiques done for my grad students already and both my undergrad classes don't have assignments this week. I do have some grading for my intro class to do, but that should take up too much time. I'll do that with some down time. But I basically have the week to get my own shit done! And that means the first pilot.
I'm heading to San Diego this week Tuesday through Thursday to meet with all three of my classes. And next week I'm cancelling classes because I'm going to something in town on the day I normally teach. So I have the rest of this month to get this pilot written. I put the play away until my workshop next month, so that's done. And I'll be doing these exercises along side my students for the second pilot, so that work will be happening in class.
What am I trying to do before the end of the year? Well, I'm trying not to freak myself out by setting such large goals. But ideally, I'd like to get both pilots done. I'll have a draft of the play more solid because of all the work we're doing in workshop in November. So here's my loose plan:
- October: Write pilot #1 and work on story and characters for pilot #2.
- November: Write pilot #2 and workshop play.
- December: Rewrite pilot #1 and pilot #2.
That feels very doable, considering that I'm also teaching. December will get heavy with my school work because a lot of the work will be coming in for my students. I'm going to rearrange my school schedule a little bit so I'm not driving down to meet with my grad students as much as I have planned in November. I need to make time for work in November. That possibly means that I will have three new pilots this year because I have the rewrite of the old pilot that got out.
I then have two pilot ideas for 2018 that I could start working on and I can start that process in January. I'm not writing these pilots for any other reason than to have them done. I want to stay productive and active and keep my skills sharp. As long as I do that, I'm fine.
I'm teaching and keeping my skills for giving feedback sharp. I'm running a room essentially with my classes. And if I finish both pilots I will have written six scripts this year. That is a good pace to be keeping up. Obviously, I want a new agent and to get staffed. But I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm thinking about writing the stuff I want to write. That seems to have gotten me to where I'm at. Everything else is not up to me.
My intention is to keep writing.
My intention is to keep growing.
My intention is to keep moving.
I am grateful for a Sunday.
I am grateful for time to get work done.
I am grateful for good friends around me.
I am grateful for fun.
I am grateful for the Korean Spa.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
I Am an Artistic Leader...
...not an artistic follower.
What an arrogant thing to say.
I woke up this morning the way I've been waking up the past few weeks - a little depressed. And in the last week or so, I've been really tired. Now maybe that's because I had spent the week before that on the phone and emailing various Subaru dealerships in Southern CA trying to find my mom the right car at an uncompromising price. Maybe it's because I left one dealership last Friday with a very disappointed mother after we walked out seconds before finalizing a deal because it wasn't perfect enough and because my brother told us to. Then we went to another dealership and got exactly what we wanted. Maybe it's because I'm teaching again and pouring myself into it because I don't know how to do it any other way.
After a conversation with my friend Susan last night, I woke up and had to ask myself the question, "What makes you happy?"
I have a low grade "down in the dumps" vibe right now. It's not the deep depression I've experienced in the past. And it's not a return to a way of thinking that made me sad years ago. But it's time for a reset. I'm in the middle of resetting my body with another round of Whole 30 after a few months of really sliding with my habits. My late night cravings started coming back and I had stopped drinking bone broth throughout the day. So I am back on my program resetting my body and trying to stay regular. I feel the same reboot is necessary in my work life.
What's the creative reboot equivalent of a high protein, veggie-based diet without sugars, grains, legumes, alcohol, dairy or soy?
Body Assessment: I would look in the mirror and see a few extra pounds. I would see that underneath the relatively light layer of fat was a body trying to show itself. It's a body that enjoys physical activity and is strong in places. It's good shoulders and arms. It's a sweet smile and healthy skin. It's strong legs. But that middle part is getting in the way of the picture. There's definition to these muscles that's not showing itself because my body is holding onto things that it doesn't need. I don't need an insane six pack. But I need my fat to not get in the way of me seeing my body for the powerful machine and beautiful house for my thoughts that it is.
Assessment: I'm productive every day. I have several projects I'm working on. I've got the play that we're doing a workshop of and staging in Spring 2018. I have three classes I'm teaching. I have two pilots I want to write. And I have this writers program I'm applying for. How do I prioritize?
I do what I'm doing this month with the Whole 30. I put myself on a 30-day plan for getting this pilot done and everything has to prioritize around getting this pilot done. That means I'm doing something on it every day. The school work takes a back seat to that - and that includes the lesson planning and the grading. I have to make an effort to do something on the pilot I'm writing this month every day.
Here's what I'm noticing. The things that I do on my own, I excel at. I did not get into one writers program, which might be geared towards staffing. I'm possibly overqualified (meaning I have too many credits) to do it. So I'm letting that go. And there's another studio program I applied for where the same thing is possible. I'm not getting calls to develop something at the digital company I worked for. Okay none of those things are possibilities.
I am getting teaching jobs. I am getting opportunities to meet on premium cable shows. Where my voice and leadership are valued, I am feeling heat. Even though the teaching jobs are coming, that's not what I want to do. But what that says to me is that my expertise is valued. So how do I parlay that into more TV work? I write my own stuff. I continue to be productive. I've done a great job at showing my peer group that I am a prolific and very productive writer. I need to do the same thing in the industry. No one can argue with hard work and prolific output. Getting this pilot done and making some major headway on the other pilot are two ways to do that. If I get this done and then, back to back, get the other one done, then I put myself in a good position.
And even giving people notes - that's keeping my skill set sharp. Again, everything is writing. Nothing I'm doing is veering me off that course - not the teaching, not the giving friends notes, not these programs I'm applying for, not the play producing I'm doing. It's all towards the goal of being an artistic leader, not an artistic follower. Because when I do things that fall in the follower category, I get less traction. If I stay focused, then the water gets less murky and the destination is clear and within my sights.
My intention is to be a leader.
My intention is to make money as a TV writer.
My intention is to have a fruitful and balanced career.
My intention is to do all the things I love at once.
My intention is to make everything I do writing.
I am grateful that I can have a conversation about how reps need to do more work.
I am grateful that I am a professional.
I am grateful that I am having different conversations one, two, three years later.
I am grateful that the close friendships in my life are working relationships.
I am grateful that there's more.
I am grateful that I don't need to push, but I can make way for.
What an arrogant thing to say.
I woke up this morning the way I've been waking up the past few weeks - a little depressed. And in the last week or so, I've been really tired. Now maybe that's because I had spent the week before that on the phone and emailing various Subaru dealerships in Southern CA trying to find my mom the right car at an uncompromising price. Maybe it's because I left one dealership last Friday with a very disappointed mother after we walked out seconds before finalizing a deal because it wasn't perfect enough and because my brother told us to. Then we went to another dealership and got exactly what we wanted. Maybe it's because I'm teaching again and pouring myself into it because I don't know how to do it any other way.
After a conversation with my friend Susan last night, I woke up and had to ask myself the question, "What makes you happy?"
I have a low grade "down in the dumps" vibe right now. It's not the deep depression I've experienced in the past. And it's not a return to a way of thinking that made me sad years ago. But it's time for a reset. I'm in the middle of resetting my body with another round of Whole 30 after a few months of really sliding with my habits. My late night cravings started coming back and I had stopped drinking bone broth throughout the day. So I am back on my program resetting my body and trying to stay regular. I feel the same reboot is necessary in my work life.
What's the creative reboot equivalent of a high protein, veggie-based diet without sugars, grains, legumes, alcohol, dairy or soy?
Body Assessment: I would look in the mirror and see a few extra pounds. I would see that underneath the relatively light layer of fat was a body trying to show itself. It's a body that enjoys physical activity and is strong in places. It's good shoulders and arms. It's a sweet smile and healthy skin. It's strong legs. But that middle part is getting in the way of the picture. There's definition to these muscles that's not showing itself because my body is holding onto things that it doesn't need. I don't need an insane six pack. But I need my fat to not get in the way of me seeing my body for the powerful machine and beautiful house for my thoughts that it is.
Assessment: I'm productive every day. I have several projects I'm working on. I've got the play that we're doing a workshop of and staging in Spring 2018. I have three classes I'm teaching. I have two pilots I want to write. And I have this writers program I'm applying for. How do I prioritize?
I do what I'm doing this month with the Whole 30. I put myself on a 30-day plan for getting this pilot done and everything has to prioritize around getting this pilot done. That means I'm doing something on it every day. The school work takes a back seat to that - and that includes the lesson planning and the grading. I have to make an effort to do something on the pilot I'm writing this month every day.
Here's what I'm noticing. The things that I do on my own, I excel at. I did not get into one writers program, which might be geared towards staffing. I'm possibly overqualified (meaning I have too many credits) to do it. So I'm letting that go. And there's another studio program I applied for where the same thing is possible. I'm not getting calls to develop something at the digital company I worked for. Okay none of those things are possibilities.
I am getting teaching jobs. I am getting opportunities to meet on premium cable shows. Where my voice and leadership are valued, I am feeling heat. Even though the teaching jobs are coming, that's not what I want to do. But what that says to me is that my expertise is valued. So how do I parlay that into more TV work? I write my own stuff. I continue to be productive. I've done a great job at showing my peer group that I am a prolific and very productive writer. I need to do the same thing in the industry. No one can argue with hard work and prolific output. Getting this pilot done and making some major headway on the other pilot are two ways to do that. If I get this done and then, back to back, get the other one done, then I put myself in a good position.
And even giving people notes - that's keeping my skill set sharp. Again, everything is writing. Nothing I'm doing is veering me off that course - not the teaching, not the giving friends notes, not these programs I'm applying for, not the play producing I'm doing. It's all towards the goal of being an artistic leader, not an artistic follower. Because when I do things that fall in the follower category, I get less traction. If I stay focused, then the water gets less murky and the destination is clear and within my sights.
My intention is to be a leader.
My intention is to make money as a TV writer.
My intention is to have a fruitful and balanced career.
My intention is to do all the things I love at once.
My intention is to make everything I do writing.
I am grateful that I can have a conversation about how reps need to do more work.
I am grateful that I am a professional.
I am grateful that I am having different conversations one, two, three years later.
I am grateful that the close friendships in my life are working relationships.
I am grateful that there's more.
I am grateful that I don't need to push, but I can make way for.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Office Hours
I had an office three years ago that I kept for about six months, which was as long as I could afford it without having to get a day job to support me getting an office which would make having an office useless because I'd never have time to spend in the office.
It was a great productive time for me. I wrote five scripts that year and probably three just in the time I had the office.
It's 8 AM on a Thursday and I'm in my office. This office is my office on campus at SDSU. It's a room with a door and that leads into a hallway. In a deserted part of a building, which is a theatre. So that means there is NO foot traffic. I'm here early because the friend I stay with was going for a run with her kid at 7:30 and I'd be in her apartment until 10 because I don't have a key. I don't like being locked in, so I got here early.
I have five hours of uninterrupted work time before my first student meeting at 1 PM.
However, I only have five hours of uninterrupted work time because of yesterday. Wednesdays are the days I have no classes. And I didn't schedule any social time this week. So I got here at 9:30 AM and worked until about 9:45 PM. I did some work in the morning until my meetings from noon until 3:30 PM. Then I had the rest of that time to write. So I wrote. I worked on these two treatments I've been working on. Then I moved on and did some work on the play that we're producing in the Spring of 2018. I got bored of that so I started grading papers. Then I wrote the recommendation letters I needed to write. I finished all three of them. I went back to the papers and finished them - I was going to work on those this morning during my class prep. Then I went back to the treatments and did all the work I could do on those. I did some lesson plans. Then I had two hours left. So I started reading the script I'm teaching in class today. I was going to save that for the four hour window I had today. Then I finished that and took all of my notes. So by 9 PM, I was done for the day and for the next day. That meant I would have all day tomorrow before 1 PM to write! And here I am.
I got to my office an hour earlier than I had planned, so I'm writing this blog. I'm going to start journaling on one of my pilots. I started taking notes on the walk to Starbucks this morning. So I want to get those notes into my project journal. Writing in a blog or a journal just helps me warm up my hands and get my brain started so that by the time I'm ready to write in a couple of hours, I'll be ready to go. Some people do this warm up with coffee - I don't drink coffee. Others do it with meditation or yoga - those are good too. But I needed to be dressed and ready for the day early. So I'm in my tight black jeans, a grey t-shirt and high tops. I've got my Larabar half eaten - apple pie and some grainless granola waiting for me. I'll take a lunch break around 11:30 - either to the Faculty Staff Club or to one of the outdoor vendors on campus for the Thursday farmer's market - and then I'll keep working until my first meeting at 1 PM. That will take me straight through to 3:30 where I'll have half an hour to chill out before my 4 PM and 7 PM classes.
I'll do my morning check in emails in a few minutes. Get the business out of the way. And then I'll be ready to work on some more story features for this new pilot. I want to get my story structured today. Then I will be ready to start an outline.
I will also be working on a "secret pilot" - something I am excited about writing, but I know that my manager might take issue with because it veers toward camp. He always seems to be reminding me to not make what I write camp. But I want to work on one of Ryan Murphy's shows so there's some high operatic storytelling going on there and whether or not you want to call it camp or satire is up to you. But my work can go in that direction. I don't mind that. The other pilot does not head into that direction at all. And my last two plays don't either. But I get it, there's stuff out there that feels like it treads on that ground. I'm not bugged out by that.
All right. So now that work begins. After I have my morning tea.
My intention is truth.
My intention is hard work.
My intention is focus.
My intention is clarity.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is forward movement.
My intention is to make money.
I am grateful for this office.
I am grateful for five hours of uninterrupted work time.
I am grateful for ideas.
I am grateful for a declared space.
I am grateful for a clear mind.
I am grateful for a healthy body.
I am grateful for community.
I am grateful for this play we're working on.
I am grateful for the opportunity to direct.
I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to do the things I love.
It was a great productive time for me. I wrote five scripts that year and probably three just in the time I had the office.
It's 8 AM on a Thursday and I'm in my office. This office is my office on campus at SDSU. It's a room with a door and that leads into a hallway. In a deserted part of a building, which is a theatre. So that means there is NO foot traffic. I'm here early because the friend I stay with was going for a run with her kid at 7:30 and I'd be in her apartment until 10 because I don't have a key. I don't like being locked in, so I got here early.
I have five hours of uninterrupted work time before my first student meeting at 1 PM.
However, I only have five hours of uninterrupted work time because of yesterday. Wednesdays are the days I have no classes. And I didn't schedule any social time this week. So I got here at 9:30 AM and worked until about 9:45 PM. I did some work in the morning until my meetings from noon until 3:30 PM. Then I had the rest of that time to write. So I wrote. I worked on these two treatments I've been working on. Then I moved on and did some work on the play that we're producing in the Spring of 2018. I got bored of that so I started grading papers. Then I wrote the recommendation letters I needed to write. I finished all three of them. I went back to the papers and finished them - I was going to work on those this morning during my class prep. Then I went back to the treatments and did all the work I could do on those. I did some lesson plans. Then I had two hours left. So I started reading the script I'm teaching in class today. I was going to save that for the four hour window I had today. Then I finished that and took all of my notes. So by 9 PM, I was done for the day and for the next day. That meant I would have all day tomorrow before 1 PM to write! And here I am.
I got to my office an hour earlier than I had planned, so I'm writing this blog. I'm going to start journaling on one of my pilots. I started taking notes on the walk to Starbucks this morning. So I want to get those notes into my project journal. Writing in a blog or a journal just helps me warm up my hands and get my brain started so that by the time I'm ready to write in a couple of hours, I'll be ready to go. Some people do this warm up with coffee - I don't drink coffee. Others do it with meditation or yoga - those are good too. But I needed to be dressed and ready for the day early. So I'm in my tight black jeans, a grey t-shirt and high tops. I've got my Larabar half eaten - apple pie and some grainless granola waiting for me. I'll take a lunch break around 11:30 - either to the Faculty Staff Club or to one of the outdoor vendors on campus for the Thursday farmer's market - and then I'll keep working until my first meeting at 1 PM. That will take me straight through to 3:30 where I'll have half an hour to chill out before my 4 PM and 7 PM classes.
I'll do my morning check in emails in a few minutes. Get the business out of the way. And then I'll be ready to work on some more story features for this new pilot. I want to get my story structured today. Then I will be ready to start an outline.
I will also be working on a "secret pilot" - something I am excited about writing, but I know that my manager might take issue with because it veers toward camp. He always seems to be reminding me to not make what I write camp. But I want to work on one of Ryan Murphy's shows so there's some high operatic storytelling going on there and whether or not you want to call it camp or satire is up to you. But my work can go in that direction. I don't mind that. The other pilot does not head into that direction at all. And my last two plays don't either. But I get it, there's stuff out there that feels like it treads on that ground. I'm not bugged out by that.
All right. So now that work begins. After I have my morning tea.
My intention is truth.
My intention is hard work.
My intention is focus.
My intention is clarity.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is forward movement.
My intention is to make money.
I am grateful for this office.
I am grateful for five hours of uninterrupted work time.
I am grateful for ideas.
I am grateful for a declared space.
I am grateful for a clear mind.
I am grateful for a healthy body.
I am grateful for community.
I am grateful for this play we're working on.
I am grateful for the opportunity to direct.
I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to do the things I love.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Behind the Pages
I spent part of my Sunday watching a marathon of old "Behind the Music" episodes, that old show from VH1 that I absolutely LOVED as a kid. It was a one hour documentary series that talked about the stories behind the careers and hit songs of the biggest pop stars in history. I used to watch it when I lived in New York. It was the best. And the ones I watched today were from a revamp they did in 2010 with P!nk and Christina Aquilera. I geeked out all over again.
As I was geeking out, I thought about my own successes and failures over my lifetime and still-growing career. I love P!nk because she doesn't give a shit and she just does her own thing. She also writes some of the most searing pop songs I've ever heard. I love her music. And it made me think of this recent creative growth spurt I had - and hopefully one I'm still going through. I have been writing plays since college. They all were bad for a long time - even the ones that got me into grad school and the ones I wrote in grad school. I was all passion and no technique - reminds me of the kind of dancer I was in college - for a very long time.
Someone said to me in grad school that it felt like I was holding back. I could hear those words but I didn't know how to break out of whatever shell or whatever fear I was holding onto. I went for years like that. I tortured myself probably for another 8 years after that, trying to figure out who I was. It didn't help that I dated guys instead of doing that exploration. It didn't help that I gave up myself to an industry that didn't know who I was so it kept trying to make me the thing that sells. But I didn't have a debut album that sold 2 million copies (P!nk) or 17 million copies (Christina). I didn't have a grand introduction into the industry. I didn't have a stunning debut that I needed to prove people wrong about. My whole career has been leading up to my "M!sunderstood" album or my version of "Stripped." My life has taken its turns on a much smaller scale. But the same thing is at stake - making who I am known and laying that bare.
It wasn't until I started writing in a way that felt true to myself that things started to change. That really started with my last play, "Death and Cockroaches." If the play before that, "This is Only a Test" was my Off the Wall, Madonna or Justified, then D&C was my Thriller, Like a Virgin or FutureSexLoveSounds. The plays before that were like Janet Jackson's career before Control. They were my Janet Jackson or Beat Street. Yes, I know a lot about random pop culture.
My first musings in undergrad were ideas for plays about lounge singers and amnesia, a young adult going after his child molester, and then I wrote something that broke all convention. I decided that I wanted to do a student recital, but the theatre department wouldn't let me because I wasn't officially a major. I was only a minor. Oddly, this wouldn't be the last time I would be penalized for being a minority. And it wouldn't be the last time that I made the most of it.
The result of that effort was a collection of poems set to dance and music called "Breakthrough." I got all of my friends together - the island of misfit toys - and made something beautiful. I choreographed it myself, directed it and put it up. It was my Yentl. I wrote, directed, choreographed, produced and starred in it. It was the first time something I had created had such universal praise. My best friend from LA was there just three weeks after a tragic family loss. I felt like I had arrived as an artist.
And then I left college and completely switched gears and started doing other things. I moved to Portland and I worked for a crazy ad agency, one of the best in the world. I lived life and dated and had affairs and eventually made my way to New York where eventually I realized I wanted to write plays as a career. I was going to be a playwright. I wrote a play that immediately got me into NYU with a full scholarship and I thought I had made it. Then I wrote nothing but bad plays and bad screenplays and decent TV spec pilots. I was confused as a writer the entire time throughout graduate school, but still left thinking that my career was going to take off because I had graduated from Tisch.
Nothing happened that entire year after grad school, so I moved back to LA to pursue a TV writing career. I had written another spec script during that year and I had two comedy specs ready to go. I languished for a few months and then got a job and a manager after being in town for less than six months. Then I pursued all of my dreams while working a day job for seven years for a high level literary manager. And while I got close on a few staffing jobs and a Nickelodeon fellowship, nothing ever really materialized. I fell in love with an addict and spent my time living this grand Hollywood life, the life I had dreamed of. Now that I think about it, all of my Hollywood dreams came true. I went to parties and I travelled the world. I met famous people and flew on private jets. I really did have a stunning life. I lived in West Hollywood, wore beautiful expensive clothes and at the best meals of my life. But I was living someone else's life and forgot who I was. I went to bed at night feeling alone and like a stranger to myself.
So I left and started a new job and my life got marginally better as I sat in an office by myself reading scripts and being appreciated for the first time in a long time. Then my Dad got sick and my life changed forever and I wrote at home while he was sleeping just go keep my sanity. I had forgotten why I had started writing in the first place because I was so busy trying to be validated. I wanted to be rich and famous. But I got to live that life and I realized that it was empty. I got exactly what I thought I wanted, but I got it without earning it, without working for it and without getting acknowledged for the gifts I had inside. I thought I had blown my chance. Before my life had the chance to begin, I thought it was over. I was a petty, jealous, envious, shell of a human being and I thought that's the way I was supposed to be. I was totally competitive and rarely happy for anyone else's success because I thought their success was supposed to be my success. I was angry and bitter and I took it out on myself by drinking too much and being promiscuous when I should have been more faithful. Sure, I was always loyal, but rarely faithful.
Then my Dad died. And I didn't even know if I should be writing. It felt so empty. Actually, the thing that felt empty was the pursuit of validation. The writing continued to be bright and wonderful. And the deeper I got, the deeper my writing got. My father's death broke me open and now I just had to stand in my grief and let it wash over me. I vowed that first year to not run away from it. So I wrote. I lived. I didn't try to get another job to distract myself. I lived on unemployment until the last possible moment I could. Then I continued to be unemployed. I managed somehow. And I took some temp jobs and made some money from my former employer. I got into another relationship and took care of another person so he could pursue his dream. I made the same mistakes all over again, but didn't think so because this guy was kinder. But he still wasn't as supportive as I needed a man to be. But I didn't know that men could be supportive of me, so I wasn't looking for that. I didn't put that on my list.
During this time, I wrote two plays that I liked. They were good. They were funny. They were well constructed and they were somewhat personal. I wanted to make sense of my open relationship, so I wrote about that. And I wanted to make sense of someone's loss of faith, so I wrote about that. Also, after my Dad died I started writing about death. And everything I have written since has had a death in it or it spoke about death. But nothing happened with those plays. And then I got frustrated. And then I got irreverent.
So I sent in a proposal for a play that I wanted to write. I had seen a report on MSNBC about active shooter drills and it made me angry. It also inspired me because the idea felt so theatrical - these shooting reenactments. I knew it would involve a large cast - at the time, I thought eight. I knew it wouldn't be producible. I didn't care. I wrote a proposal that expressed my frustration and said that I didn't know what the fuck I was going to write because I haven't written it yet. But these are the stories I wanted to express. I wrote about the story I knew I didn't want to write. I was very clear about that. But maybe because I didn't give a fuck, I got accepted into this program to develop my play for eight months. And I poured myself into it. For the first time in a long time, I only focused on myself. I was working hard and putting in the hours. I was meditating, watching my diet, working out, and only working on this project for eight months. And while I was doing that my relationship fell apart because it was only sustained by my efforts to keep it going when it shouldn't have kept going. Once I didn't have the energy to give, we drifted apart and then we broke up. But the play I wrote was a triumph that didn't do what everyone said it would do. It got no awards or attention or a production. It didn't make me the playwright the world would know.
But it did a lot. It taught me to fight for my vision. It taught me to not be afraid to be unpopular. It taught me who to fight with and who not to fight with. It taught me that I could not get into trouble for fighting. It taught me to be the leader and custodian of my own play. It taught me to love actors and to encourage them. It taught me to love and encourage my director. And it taught me to fuck everyone else. Seriously, fuck them. They don't matter. They don't know my vision. They can go fuck themselves. And my play was the better for it. We had an incredible reading and I was proud of the work. But it did nothing for my theatre career.
After the break up, I got the opportunity to submit to a show my friend was running. After some initial encouragement, she had bad news: the execs didn't want to hire someone who had never worked in TV before for a web series. But she could get my work to them, other than that I was on my own. And I submitted this play which was the perfect sample. I got the job - one month after my break up. And then I wrote three episodes and got to be on set and got into the Writers Guild. I finally got the thing I had always wanted - and I was still struggling and trying to make ends meet - but this felt amazing. I knew I could do it again and I did again the following year when I got promoted to Co-Producer and wrote two more episodes.
But then I was also too busy to bask in any of that glory because I had just written something truly special. I went back four years to when my Dad was sick and I moved home to take care of him. I had finally been able to write about that time in my life with the utmost truth and honesty and in the crass, inappropriate, irreverent voice I had been developing all of my life. I started the play in October the previous year when everyone was telling me how brilliant the other play was and how it was going to do all of these brilliant things for my theatre career. I didn't want to listen or be swayed or be disappointed when that didn't happen. So I kept writing. And then I wrote something even more personal and moving. And when I finished it, while I was working on the show, the theatre company I had been working with in their writers group called me to talk about something. Then we had lunch and they offered me a workshop for the play. And I said yes. And then they said they wanted me to join the company and I couldn't believe it. I had the theatre community I had always wanted. I had a place where I could develop my own work and I could get something produced because I was going to produce it. It would set my voice free in ways that I couldn't even imagine. I'm going to write plays with the freedom that I can have a workshop whenever I want it. And I can have people read new pages. I wouldn't have to depend on anyone to make my career happen.
I also discovered a new dream on set. I realized that I want to direct - or at least try my hand at it. So I directed a play workshop this year and the company liked it. And I'm hoping to direct it next year. Along with getting ready for my production next year. I might be directing a play for the company and having a play produced. While keeping my career moving along. I wrote a TV spec pilot that I love. I'm teaching three classes this semester at SDSU where I've been teaching for four semesters. I'm finally qualified to apply for any full time teaching jobs, if I so choose to do so. But most importantly, my dreams have gotten bigger.
I have a new goal to direct a TV show when I get my own show on the air. In order to do that I have to start directing plays and short films - so I have new things to look forward to. I have always wanted to start choreographing dance again and maybe one day I'll get the chance. But I was never a great dancer. And I am a great writer - I have that natural gift. So directing seems like the obvious choice for me to explore and to use the skills of visual storytelling I used as a choreographer back in college. things re coming full circle.
Yes, I still want to get that next TV job. That is a goal. But in order to get there I have to continue to write interesting TV spec pilots. And while I was trying to figure out what I was going to write next based on an idea I have, I started writing out a treatment for another brand new idea. And that's going to be big and bold and fun to write. It's about a golden age in Hollywood. And it's about our social morays in another time. I also now understand that I have this other idea that has taken longer to figure out what it is. And some ideas are just like that. Some ideas don't pop out shiny because some ideas aren't shiny, but they still should get written. And it doesn't matter if none of these are produced or none of these get me jobs because these are the stories I have to write. These are the stories that are coming out of me As much as my Dad's death broke me open, writing "Death and Cockroaches" broke me open as a writer. I say it all of the time and it is so true.
More than anything, I'm excited about what's to come. I'm excited to get to know this new writer who I have become as a result of that play. That play will have reverberations in my career from this moment forward. I am a changed spirit because of that play. And the greater news is that I get to see that play produced next year. This year, I'm working on new pages. Next year, I hope to work more in TV as I have a produced play and direct another produced play. I honestly don't know when I'll be writing my next play, which I already have planned out. It's something smaller, three characters. But I know that it's my next play. However, right now I have these two TV ideas to get out and I have another idea right behind that one, which I would like to develop with someone. I'd like to start pitching ideas in addition to writing them. I love writing new spec pilots. I don't want to stop that to pitch. I want to do both. But I would love to get paid to write a pilot.
Like I said, the dream gets bigger. Now I know what it takes to do the things I want to do. I feel so much more fully formed in order to do the things I want to do. I have more control over my career than I ever have. And I'm looking for a creative partner, in a new agent, to help me get there and to share my vision. I also am looking to share my life with someone ambitious and fun. And maybe the cosmic joke is that it IS another writer. Who the fuck knows?
But I just want to continue to be open and available to the surprise of life, which is exactly the thing I've been aspiring to for a long time - to let the Universe dream a bigger dream than I can for myself. It's all pretty incredible. And now I just need to be ready for the next surprise.
My intention is to be surprised.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to be clear.
My intention is to love what I do.
I am grateful for the wonderful opportunities over the past 18 months.
I am grateful for every bit of this journey.
I am grateful for the love in my life.
I am grateful that the future looks so bright and so hopeful.
As I was geeking out, I thought about my own successes and failures over my lifetime and still-growing career. I love P!nk because she doesn't give a shit and she just does her own thing. She also writes some of the most searing pop songs I've ever heard. I love her music. And it made me think of this recent creative growth spurt I had - and hopefully one I'm still going through. I have been writing plays since college. They all were bad for a long time - even the ones that got me into grad school and the ones I wrote in grad school. I was all passion and no technique - reminds me of the kind of dancer I was in college - for a very long time.
Someone said to me in grad school that it felt like I was holding back. I could hear those words but I didn't know how to break out of whatever shell or whatever fear I was holding onto. I went for years like that. I tortured myself probably for another 8 years after that, trying to figure out who I was. It didn't help that I dated guys instead of doing that exploration. It didn't help that I gave up myself to an industry that didn't know who I was so it kept trying to make me the thing that sells. But I didn't have a debut album that sold 2 million copies (P!nk) or 17 million copies (Christina). I didn't have a grand introduction into the industry. I didn't have a stunning debut that I needed to prove people wrong about. My whole career has been leading up to my "M!sunderstood" album or my version of "Stripped." My life has taken its turns on a much smaller scale. But the same thing is at stake - making who I am known and laying that bare.
It wasn't until I started writing in a way that felt true to myself that things started to change. That really started with my last play, "Death and Cockroaches." If the play before that, "This is Only a Test" was my Off the Wall, Madonna or Justified, then D&C was my Thriller, Like a Virgin or FutureSexLoveSounds. The plays before that were like Janet Jackson's career before Control. They were my Janet Jackson or Beat Street. Yes, I know a lot about random pop culture.
My first musings in undergrad were ideas for plays about lounge singers and amnesia, a young adult going after his child molester, and then I wrote something that broke all convention. I decided that I wanted to do a student recital, but the theatre department wouldn't let me because I wasn't officially a major. I was only a minor. Oddly, this wouldn't be the last time I would be penalized for being a minority. And it wouldn't be the last time that I made the most of it.
The result of that effort was a collection of poems set to dance and music called "Breakthrough." I got all of my friends together - the island of misfit toys - and made something beautiful. I choreographed it myself, directed it and put it up. It was my Yentl. I wrote, directed, choreographed, produced and starred in it. It was the first time something I had created had such universal praise. My best friend from LA was there just three weeks after a tragic family loss. I felt like I had arrived as an artist.
And then I left college and completely switched gears and started doing other things. I moved to Portland and I worked for a crazy ad agency, one of the best in the world. I lived life and dated and had affairs and eventually made my way to New York where eventually I realized I wanted to write plays as a career. I was going to be a playwright. I wrote a play that immediately got me into NYU with a full scholarship and I thought I had made it. Then I wrote nothing but bad plays and bad screenplays and decent TV spec pilots. I was confused as a writer the entire time throughout graduate school, but still left thinking that my career was going to take off because I had graduated from Tisch.
Nothing happened that entire year after grad school, so I moved back to LA to pursue a TV writing career. I had written another spec script during that year and I had two comedy specs ready to go. I languished for a few months and then got a job and a manager after being in town for less than six months. Then I pursued all of my dreams while working a day job for seven years for a high level literary manager. And while I got close on a few staffing jobs and a Nickelodeon fellowship, nothing ever really materialized. I fell in love with an addict and spent my time living this grand Hollywood life, the life I had dreamed of. Now that I think about it, all of my Hollywood dreams came true. I went to parties and I travelled the world. I met famous people and flew on private jets. I really did have a stunning life. I lived in West Hollywood, wore beautiful expensive clothes and at the best meals of my life. But I was living someone else's life and forgot who I was. I went to bed at night feeling alone and like a stranger to myself.
So I left and started a new job and my life got marginally better as I sat in an office by myself reading scripts and being appreciated for the first time in a long time. Then my Dad got sick and my life changed forever and I wrote at home while he was sleeping just go keep my sanity. I had forgotten why I had started writing in the first place because I was so busy trying to be validated. I wanted to be rich and famous. But I got to live that life and I realized that it was empty. I got exactly what I thought I wanted, but I got it without earning it, without working for it and without getting acknowledged for the gifts I had inside. I thought I had blown my chance. Before my life had the chance to begin, I thought it was over. I was a petty, jealous, envious, shell of a human being and I thought that's the way I was supposed to be. I was totally competitive and rarely happy for anyone else's success because I thought their success was supposed to be my success. I was angry and bitter and I took it out on myself by drinking too much and being promiscuous when I should have been more faithful. Sure, I was always loyal, but rarely faithful.
Then my Dad died. And I didn't even know if I should be writing. It felt so empty. Actually, the thing that felt empty was the pursuit of validation. The writing continued to be bright and wonderful. And the deeper I got, the deeper my writing got. My father's death broke me open and now I just had to stand in my grief and let it wash over me. I vowed that first year to not run away from it. So I wrote. I lived. I didn't try to get another job to distract myself. I lived on unemployment until the last possible moment I could. Then I continued to be unemployed. I managed somehow. And I took some temp jobs and made some money from my former employer. I got into another relationship and took care of another person so he could pursue his dream. I made the same mistakes all over again, but didn't think so because this guy was kinder. But he still wasn't as supportive as I needed a man to be. But I didn't know that men could be supportive of me, so I wasn't looking for that. I didn't put that on my list.
During this time, I wrote two plays that I liked. They were good. They were funny. They were well constructed and they were somewhat personal. I wanted to make sense of my open relationship, so I wrote about that. And I wanted to make sense of someone's loss of faith, so I wrote about that. Also, after my Dad died I started writing about death. And everything I have written since has had a death in it or it spoke about death. But nothing happened with those plays. And then I got frustrated. And then I got irreverent.
So I sent in a proposal for a play that I wanted to write. I had seen a report on MSNBC about active shooter drills and it made me angry. It also inspired me because the idea felt so theatrical - these shooting reenactments. I knew it would involve a large cast - at the time, I thought eight. I knew it wouldn't be producible. I didn't care. I wrote a proposal that expressed my frustration and said that I didn't know what the fuck I was going to write because I haven't written it yet. But these are the stories I wanted to express. I wrote about the story I knew I didn't want to write. I was very clear about that. But maybe because I didn't give a fuck, I got accepted into this program to develop my play for eight months. And I poured myself into it. For the first time in a long time, I only focused on myself. I was working hard and putting in the hours. I was meditating, watching my diet, working out, and only working on this project for eight months. And while I was doing that my relationship fell apart because it was only sustained by my efforts to keep it going when it shouldn't have kept going. Once I didn't have the energy to give, we drifted apart and then we broke up. But the play I wrote was a triumph that didn't do what everyone said it would do. It got no awards or attention or a production. It didn't make me the playwright the world would know.
But it did a lot. It taught me to fight for my vision. It taught me to not be afraid to be unpopular. It taught me who to fight with and who not to fight with. It taught me that I could not get into trouble for fighting. It taught me to be the leader and custodian of my own play. It taught me to love actors and to encourage them. It taught me to love and encourage my director. And it taught me to fuck everyone else. Seriously, fuck them. They don't matter. They don't know my vision. They can go fuck themselves. And my play was the better for it. We had an incredible reading and I was proud of the work. But it did nothing for my theatre career.
After the break up, I got the opportunity to submit to a show my friend was running. After some initial encouragement, she had bad news: the execs didn't want to hire someone who had never worked in TV before for a web series. But she could get my work to them, other than that I was on my own. And I submitted this play which was the perfect sample. I got the job - one month after my break up. And then I wrote three episodes and got to be on set and got into the Writers Guild. I finally got the thing I had always wanted - and I was still struggling and trying to make ends meet - but this felt amazing. I knew I could do it again and I did again the following year when I got promoted to Co-Producer and wrote two more episodes.
But then I was also too busy to bask in any of that glory because I had just written something truly special. I went back four years to when my Dad was sick and I moved home to take care of him. I had finally been able to write about that time in my life with the utmost truth and honesty and in the crass, inappropriate, irreverent voice I had been developing all of my life. I started the play in October the previous year when everyone was telling me how brilliant the other play was and how it was going to do all of these brilliant things for my theatre career. I didn't want to listen or be swayed or be disappointed when that didn't happen. So I kept writing. And then I wrote something even more personal and moving. And when I finished it, while I was working on the show, the theatre company I had been working with in their writers group called me to talk about something. Then we had lunch and they offered me a workshop for the play. And I said yes. And then they said they wanted me to join the company and I couldn't believe it. I had the theatre community I had always wanted. I had a place where I could develop my own work and I could get something produced because I was going to produce it. It would set my voice free in ways that I couldn't even imagine. I'm going to write plays with the freedom that I can have a workshop whenever I want it. And I can have people read new pages. I wouldn't have to depend on anyone to make my career happen.
I also discovered a new dream on set. I realized that I want to direct - or at least try my hand at it. So I directed a play workshop this year and the company liked it. And I'm hoping to direct it next year. Along with getting ready for my production next year. I might be directing a play for the company and having a play produced. While keeping my career moving along. I wrote a TV spec pilot that I love. I'm teaching three classes this semester at SDSU where I've been teaching for four semesters. I'm finally qualified to apply for any full time teaching jobs, if I so choose to do so. But most importantly, my dreams have gotten bigger.
I have a new goal to direct a TV show when I get my own show on the air. In order to do that I have to start directing plays and short films - so I have new things to look forward to. I have always wanted to start choreographing dance again and maybe one day I'll get the chance. But I was never a great dancer. And I am a great writer - I have that natural gift. So directing seems like the obvious choice for me to explore and to use the skills of visual storytelling I used as a choreographer back in college. things re coming full circle.
Yes, I still want to get that next TV job. That is a goal. But in order to get there I have to continue to write interesting TV spec pilots. And while I was trying to figure out what I was going to write next based on an idea I have, I started writing out a treatment for another brand new idea. And that's going to be big and bold and fun to write. It's about a golden age in Hollywood. And it's about our social morays in another time. I also now understand that I have this other idea that has taken longer to figure out what it is. And some ideas are just like that. Some ideas don't pop out shiny because some ideas aren't shiny, but they still should get written. And it doesn't matter if none of these are produced or none of these get me jobs because these are the stories I have to write. These are the stories that are coming out of me As much as my Dad's death broke me open, writing "Death and Cockroaches" broke me open as a writer. I say it all of the time and it is so true.
More than anything, I'm excited about what's to come. I'm excited to get to know this new writer who I have become as a result of that play. That play will have reverberations in my career from this moment forward. I am a changed spirit because of that play. And the greater news is that I get to see that play produced next year. This year, I'm working on new pages. Next year, I hope to work more in TV as I have a produced play and direct another produced play. I honestly don't know when I'll be writing my next play, which I already have planned out. It's something smaller, three characters. But I know that it's my next play. However, right now I have these two TV ideas to get out and I have another idea right behind that one, which I would like to develop with someone. I'd like to start pitching ideas in addition to writing them. I love writing new spec pilots. I don't want to stop that to pitch. I want to do both. But I would love to get paid to write a pilot.
Like I said, the dream gets bigger. Now I know what it takes to do the things I want to do. I feel so much more fully formed in order to do the things I want to do. I have more control over my career than I ever have. And I'm looking for a creative partner, in a new agent, to help me get there and to share my vision. I also am looking to share my life with someone ambitious and fun. And maybe the cosmic joke is that it IS another writer. Who the fuck knows?
But I just want to continue to be open and available to the surprise of life, which is exactly the thing I've been aspiring to for a long time - to let the Universe dream a bigger dream than I can for myself. It's all pretty incredible. And now I just need to be ready for the next surprise.
My intention is to be surprised.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to be clear.
My intention is to love what I do.
I am grateful for the wonderful opportunities over the past 18 months.
I am grateful for every bit of this journey.
I am grateful for the love in my life.
I am grateful that the future looks so bright and so hopeful.
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Back to School
I went back to teaching this week. I do really like teaching. I like the students. I like getting to talk about what I know. And I realized that I can't make everyone happy.
I'm teaching three classes this semester. On Tuesday, I had my graduate students. I've never taught grad students, so I was kind of excited about how this class would go. I had two students I already knew and eight others I don't. I have ten students in this class and we sat around a table and talked for a couple of hours. I'm helping them figure out their thesis projects. So this really just feels like I'm guiding them through their final projects. The students are great. The biggest challenge is that the administration hasn't really been giving me enough information about what's required of me. Some students want to do full-length projects. Some want to do a short script that they then will have to film. I have one student who says he's done with his thesis and is going to film it next semester, but he wants to work on this script with me and with the advisor he's already working with. So I'm trying to figure out how to streamline the process so that I'm not teaching four different classes in this one class. The good news is that I don't think I'm getting any documentary students. All of these students are mature and have some experience, so it feels like it will be a lot of fun to work with them.
My Intro to Screenwriting and TV writing class is a hoot. First of all, I had to turn several of them away from trying to add my class. It was sad because I had three students who really participated that I can't add unless someone drops out of the class. I had one student who's not even registered at the school who really wanted in - and I just couldn't do it. My cap is 25 and to add any more than that is jeopardizing the rest of the course. I had 27 last Fall and it was tough. It affects the dynamic. I did something really great this time that I think made a difference. We just started talking about what we're watching. And we talked about what makes what we're watching interesting. They also have really great taste and it's cool to hear what they're into that's both part of their generation and not part of their generation. It's an Intro course and it's big, so it will take them a minute to warm up. But I like opening up the course with that exercise of spending about 45 minutes shooting the shit about what we're into. And because it's a big class we had a big list. It got them talking a lot on that first day and it drove home the point that participation is a big part of their grade. They seem like a vocal group. It also reinforced what went wrong last semester. Last semester, I was working on the show and I had to miss the first four weeks of the term. So I had my friend David take over for me for the first four weeks. I realize that I need to set a tone to make the semester successful. I'm a tough professor. I don't take it easy on them, even in an intro course. And when you don't get my passion right away and get used to how it's going to go, I can come off as an asshole. My delivery counts for a lot. It felt good to be there with them from the beginning. Now if I go and get a writing gig some at some point during the semester, that feels like it would be less of an issue. But not being there from the beginning was tough.
Then I had my Advanced Students right afterward. That class could have been five students if I hadn't let in a bunch of people who technically don't have the prerequisites. Five students would have been crazy small and crazy fun in a lot of ways. But it looks like we'll be somewhere around 11 or 12. And that's a great size. These students seemed lively right away. We got into what we're all watching and it was good. And having a smaller class size helps. At the end of the class, a bunch of them hung around to ask some questions and a student asked me if I knew that I had bad reviews on "Rate My Professor." I had no idea. And he worried that he totally blew it for me. I became intrigued that I had bad reviews on "Rate my Professor." I looked it up and the people who wrote reviews HATED me. Someone said it was the worst class they had ever taken. And another student didn't like getting called out by me for not doing the work. Yeah, that sucks that you got called out for not doing the work. One student erroneously said that they got a D- in my class, which I don't think was true. Unless that student had to drop out. The other student stopped showing up and I had to fail them. I suspect that student signed up for my Advanced Class and didn't show up because they knew it was me. That student hasn't dropped yet, but I suspect they will drop. I kind of like that I have a reputation for being a hard ass. I say it at the top of the class to all of the students. I don't mince words. It's not an easy course. It's a lot of freaking work. So if it keeps my Advanced Class Small - the other class has reached it's cap and then some. I only will have 10-12 students. That's perfect. I hope students don't figure it out for awhile. And I hope people are discouraged from signing up because they think it will be too much work. Because the students who want to be challenged will be there. And really, the feedback I mainly get from students is that they love the class. Even students I've had issues with. I have students that I thought were totally difficult and they still dug it.
I also was really impressed with both undergraduate classes because they got into the conversation. I do have three grad students in my Advanced Class and they're great. I think that helps elevate the conversation just a bit as well. I'm hopeful about this semester. There's a lot of work to do as there always is. And I have to remember that I need to keep doing my own work. I've got a new pilot I'm playing around with and I want to get that done. But it's another semester to learn more about myself and my teaching methods.
My intention is to learn.
My intention is to grow.
My intention is to question.
I am grateful for the chance to fortify my knowledge.
I am grateful for the money.
I am grateful for the opportunity to meet new people.
I am grateful for another year with many jobs.
I'm teaching three classes this semester. On Tuesday, I had my graduate students. I've never taught grad students, so I was kind of excited about how this class would go. I had two students I already knew and eight others I don't. I have ten students in this class and we sat around a table and talked for a couple of hours. I'm helping them figure out their thesis projects. So this really just feels like I'm guiding them through their final projects. The students are great. The biggest challenge is that the administration hasn't really been giving me enough information about what's required of me. Some students want to do full-length projects. Some want to do a short script that they then will have to film. I have one student who says he's done with his thesis and is going to film it next semester, but he wants to work on this script with me and with the advisor he's already working with. So I'm trying to figure out how to streamline the process so that I'm not teaching four different classes in this one class. The good news is that I don't think I'm getting any documentary students. All of these students are mature and have some experience, so it feels like it will be a lot of fun to work with them.
My Intro to Screenwriting and TV writing class is a hoot. First of all, I had to turn several of them away from trying to add my class. It was sad because I had three students who really participated that I can't add unless someone drops out of the class. I had one student who's not even registered at the school who really wanted in - and I just couldn't do it. My cap is 25 and to add any more than that is jeopardizing the rest of the course. I had 27 last Fall and it was tough. It affects the dynamic. I did something really great this time that I think made a difference. We just started talking about what we're watching. And we talked about what makes what we're watching interesting. They also have really great taste and it's cool to hear what they're into that's both part of their generation and not part of their generation. It's an Intro course and it's big, so it will take them a minute to warm up. But I like opening up the course with that exercise of spending about 45 minutes shooting the shit about what we're into. And because it's a big class we had a big list. It got them talking a lot on that first day and it drove home the point that participation is a big part of their grade. They seem like a vocal group. It also reinforced what went wrong last semester. Last semester, I was working on the show and I had to miss the first four weeks of the term. So I had my friend David take over for me for the first four weeks. I realize that I need to set a tone to make the semester successful. I'm a tough professor. I don't take it easy on them, even in an intro course. And when you don't get my passion right away and get used to how it's going to go, I can come off as an asshole. My delivery counts for a lot. It felt good to be there with them from the beginning. Now if I go and get a writing gig some at some point during the semester, that feels like it would be less of an issue. But not being there from the beginning was tough.
Then I had my Advanced Students right afterward. That class could have been five students if I hadn't let in a bunch of people who technically don't have the prerequisites. Five students would have been crazy small and crazy fun in a lot of ways. But it looks like we'll be somewhere around 11 or 12. And that's a great size. These students seemed lively right away. We got into what we're all watching and it was good. And having a smaller class size helps. At the end of the class, a bunch of them hung around to ask some questions and a student asked me if I knew that I had bad reviews on "Rate My Professor." I had no idea. And he worried that he totally blew it for me. I became intrigued that I had bad reviews on "Rate my Professor." I looked it up and the people who wrote reviews HATED me. Someone said it was the worst class they had ever taken. And another student didn't like getting called out by me for not doing the work. Yeah, that sucks that you got called out for not doing the work. One student erroneously said that they got a D- in my class, which I don't think was true. Unless that student had to drop out. The other student stopped showing up and I had to fail them. I suspect that student signed up for my Advanced Class and didn't show up because they knew it was me. That student hasn't dropped yet, but I suspect they will drop. I kind of like that I have a reputation for being a hard ass. I say it at the top of the class to all of the students. I don't mince words. It's not an easy course. It's a lot of freaking work. So if it keeps my Advanced Class Small - the other class has reached it's cap and then some. I only will have 10-12 students. That's perfect. I hope students don't figure it out for awhile. And I hope people are discouraged from signing up because they think it will be too much work. Because the students who want to be challenged will be there. And really, the feedback I mainly get from students is that they love the class. Even students I've had issues with. I have students that I thought were totally difficult and they still dug it.
I also was really impressed with both undergraduate classes because they got into the conversation. I do have three grad students in my Advanced Class and they're great. I think that helps elevate the conversation just a bit as well. I'm hopeful about this semester. There's a lot of work to do as there always is. And I have to remember that I need to keep doing my own work. I've got a new pilot I'm playing around with and I want to get that done. But it's another semester to learn more about myself and my teaching methods.
My intention is to learn.
My intention is to grow.
My intention is to question.
I am grateful for the chance to fortify my knowledge.
I am grateful for the money.
I am grateful for the opportunity to meet new people.
I am grateful for another year with many jobs.
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