Take My Advice (or Don't)

I used to be that guy who would tell people exactly what I thought they should do.

"That top looks hideous. Try a larger size."

"Chop those onions finer. And curl your fingers under when you're slicing….Just let me do it."

"Stop running. You hate it. Do you want to wake up in fifty years and regret all the things you didn't do because you were doing things you thought you should do? Eat a donut."

Okay. I'm still kind of that person. But I'm learning that I'm not the expert on everything. I had an experience today where I saw an old friend and I was thinking about writing something and she gave me a very definitive piece of advice. My first reaction was to say, "Uh, I know that. Remember, I used to work for--" But I stopped myself. My friend was just being generous and helpful. So I accepted the advice.

That made me think about the things I've said to people over the years, as if I had all the answers. I probably still tell my boyfriend all the things he should be doing for his career. I remember the six months when I stepped in to help produce the internet talk show he hosts. I had all of these ideas of what he could be doing better.

It's like what we say in writer's groups or what I say when I teach: No prescriptive notes. I don't allow students to give notes that tell a writer what they would do or how to fix an issue. But I'm kind of known for giving all sorts of prescriptive notes when it comes to people's lives. And some people ask for it and welcome it. But I hate being told what to do. And I'm sure that the people who I tell what to do probably hate it as well. Even though I give good advice. (Joking. Not really)

I am a bit of a know it all. But it comes from a good place of not wanting a friend to make a mistake I've made. My friend Carrie said to me a few months ago that you never really know what spiritual path someone is on and sometimes the choices they make are a part of that spiritual path. Ever since she said that to me (in regards to my boyfriend, where the lesson is most needed), I've backed off making declarative statements.

We all find our way eventually. And what's right for one person isn't right for everyone. The problem is I'm a fixer and I'm trying to ween myself off of that impulse.

I'm going to do some guest teaching tomorrow. It's the perfect time for that reminder. When I teach, I try to remember something my first playwriting professor told me when I was getting all bent out of shape because I wasn't an amazing playwright at age 20. He told me that I can't worry about being Eugene O'Neill at 50, but I need to be the best me I can be now. My students have limited experiences because they are young. Yet, there are experiences they have that need to be valued. One of my favorite genres to read from college students is the stoner play. I love a well-written, authentic stoner play. Frankly, at their age, that's an experience they can speak about. But with the stoner play, you've got to think about one thing (as Mike Nichols used to say):

If this were real life, what would actually happen?

Speak to the reality of the situation. In a zombie apocalypse, in a three way, in a boardroom, on the field. Even if the situation you're writing is ridiculous and over the top, you have to ground it in what would actually happen. Otherwise, it's just ridiculous.

I love having a community of fellow artists. I love having a group of people who I respect and who are intelligent and thoughtful. I love having a group of friends that have my back. The support is imperative  for survival. I can get passionate when I see someone doing something and I think they can do it better. Ultimately, it's none of  my business and everyone has to figure out their own thing in their own time in their own way.

Hey, it's something I'm working on. And having been a professor, I think I'm learning that lesson faster than I would have otherwise.

I am grateful for good advice.
I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful for teaching opportunities.
I am grateful for knowing what I want.
I am grateful for clarity.

Switch Hitting

It seems like I'm always caught between two or three different projects. It doesn't seem that unusual to me, but when I see others are juggling, I observe in awe. My friend Brian has a lot of shit going on, like four or five different writing projects at once. And a full-time job. We were at a play reading together a couple of weeks ago and he told me everything he was up to. I just stared at him. My mind was blown. I was completely overwhelmed. I was impressed. Then his wife reminded me a few days later, "Uh, isn't that what you do? I read your Facebook posts."

I guess that's true. I have no short term memory when it comes to what I'm working on. I wrote 47 pages for the new play last week. I think it's good that I don't think about it. If I sat down and said, I'm going to write ______ pages this week I think I would be so intimidated that I would never do it. And frankly, I'm more distracted by my insecurity to realize how productive I am being. In a perfect world, I guess I would like to feel accomplished and together at all times. I would love to be 165 pounds with less than 12 percent body fat. I would love to feel successful and rich and known.

That's the way I feel when I'm writing and it's going well. My dick is an impressive, but not ridiculous 7.5 inches. I'm a few inches taller. My chest sticks out. Nothing hurts or aches. I can run a 7 minute mile without breaking a sweat. I've got a lovely singing voice. Actually, I'm a belter.

When I'm writing, I am successful. But maybe I am so distracted by my needless worry that I don't realize that I am successful often.

This week, I am switching back to working on this pilot I have been steadily working on for several months. Here's a perfect example. I am worried that I haven't finished a draft that I can show to someone who could hire me. But I wrote a solid, yet unremarkable draft in a month (really two drafts). And over the past several months, I have been working on the courage to write the big, melodramatic, over-the-top version that I'm longing to write. Much of those months have been spent trying not to judge myself. And in that time, I have written four drafts. Writing is not instantaneous. It's not perfect the first time out. Not for me or for most of the writers I know.

Next week, I get to the process of cutting the play I have been working on since February. I'm at 178 pages and counting. I can't call myself lazy. I'm writing. A lot. And most of it is focused. Even though I am still drafting something that feels good, I have done a lot of great work. I have written hundreds of pages just for this pilot alone.

When I trained for the marathon, I ran over 500 miles to just run the final marathon of 26.2 miles. And that final run was difficult. Yet, I was able to finish because I had trained. In some ways, writing is getting easier. Maybe easier is the wrong word. It is becoming more routine. It's becoming less strange. It's becoming less intimidating in some ways. At this point, I know what I'm doing. Any anxiety created around sitting down to write or finishing a script has everything to do with me and my own fabricated worry than it has with actual ability. I am able to write. When I ran the marathon, I had equipped myself to run 26.2 miles. I have equipped myself to write. When I started, even if I wanted to write a screenplay or a full length play or a pilot script, I was unable to because I didn't know how. It was difficult because I had to learn how to do it.

I have to remind myself that while it might take effort, I know how to do this. But I'm not going to discount my fear or my worry. I can't get rid of it completely. It's what keeps me on my toes and prevents me from getting too comfortable. That's good.

After I get a good second working draft of the play done, I am going to have it read. That's in about three weeks from now. I met with my dramaturg yesterday and she agreed that I was in a good place. I have been hitting my head against a wall about one character's story and she told me to put it aside for a moment. She's absolutely right. I was getting frustrated with myself. Sometimes it's just best to move on and do something else.

Once we have the play read next month, I'm going to have to take time away from that script. I have a spec script I'm thinking about writing to apply to some of these writing fellowships. I hope that the pilot is done by then and that I can focus all of my time on this spec. Then the play will come around again and we'll have to workshop it. I guess I am nimbly able to switch back and forth. When I do it it doesn't seem that intimidating. That's probably exactly how my friend Brian feels. He's just in the work and doing what's in front of him.

I guess that's all any of us can do. One foot in front of the other.

I am grateful for my iTunes library.
I am grateful for warm weather.
I am grateful that I get to see my niece and nephews in a week and a half.
I am grateful that I get to have fun.
I am grateful that I am not panicked.
I am grateful that my work is getting done on time.
I am grateful for people who reach out to help.

From Today's Meditation Journal: Letting Go of Old Thoughts

Yes, I am doing the Oprah and Deepak 21 Day Meditation Challenge that's all about success.
I am a Super Souler.
I drink the Kool Aid.
My religion IS Stillness and Kindness.
It's true.
It makes sense to me.
It's my thing. Lay off.

So here's what I wrote in my journal in response to the question:

Write down a description of yourself as a creative spirit who generates your personal reality from within. List some of the old thoughts, feelings and attitudes you used to hold on to that limited your expression.

I am a creator.
I live life open to possibility.
I write everything down.
I get excited to write things down.
I love taking in new information and having conversations with friends that stimulate thought.
I feel like I am a conduit of creativity and that it's at a constant flow.
I feel like the frequency at which I operate is one that's a constant buzz, but also quiet enough to calm down.
I feel like I am always creating.
I don't ever stop creating.

I used to think that I had to "make it" by a certain age.
I used to think that I had to "make it."
I used to think that money and power and outward signs of success would make me feel better.
I used to think that status was what proved my worth.
I used to think that I had to live an responsible life in a traditional way, by taking a regular job.
I used to think that living creatively was not available to me.
I used to think that it was something I had to work for.
I used to think that I had to prove myself in order to be rewarded.
I used to think that someone else's success pushed me down.
I used to think that my success pushed others down and propelled me further.
I used to think that what others said mattered.
I used to think that I deserved money, wealth, success and power by my sheer existence.
I used to think that I was not successful because my work wasn't being recognized by outside parties.
I used to think that I had failed.
I used to think that I was a failure.
I used to think that it was too late for me.
I used to think that the harder I worked and held on to something, the more successful I would be.
I used to think that being critical meant that I was smart and therefore knew more than other people and therefore people would look at me in a higher regard and therefore I would be worthy.
I used to think that I had to prove my worth.
I used to think that someone else knew more than I did.
I used to think that if I gave up being competitive that I would stop working hard.
I used to think that if I gave up being competitive that I would not be as good.
I used to think that if I gave up being competitive that I would lose my edge.
I used to think that if I gave up being competitive that I would be out of the game.
I used to think that the game was all that mattered.
I used to think that my placement in the hierarchy of worldly success was the marker of my work.
I used to think that I didn't exist unless someone (or everyone) thought I was amazing.

I am grateful for meditation.
I am grateful for reflection.
I am grateful for stillness.
I am grateful and elated for this awareness.
I am grateful for how giddy I am and how present I feel.

Why So Critical?

I love that as a writer I have a community of writers and other theatre artists who are open to giving me feedback.

That being said, I have been thinking a lot about feedback lately. I just had a play read by my playwriting peers and then the same play was read as a part of a theatre company's development series I am a part of. This past weekend, I attended a writer's group for a different theatre company. And in May, I'm having another newish play read by yet another theatre company. I also just finished reading a script for a friend of mine who wanted some feedback. And I often lead discussions of new work in classes I teach.

I happen to like notes that are not prescriptive. That is, notes that don't lean toward what another writer would do if they were writing your play. Some brainstorming is helpful to get the mind working, but when you're imagining a whole different approach and you start shaping the script, I think that it crosses a line when it's presumptuous.  If you're asking for ideas, then fine. But if you're just throwing out what would be better, it means you're trying to write someone else's script for them.

When asking for feedback, I have a few rules. I can't claim these as original or my own. But I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Gary Garrison, who was a professor of mine at NYU. And I'm sure they weren't original to him, but he passed these on to me, so I am giving credit to him.

• I always have questions: It means that I'm thinking about my piece and that I'm in control. With Gary, it was unacceptable to say that you just wanted "general feedback." No, you had to do the work and look at your material with a critical eye towards what could improve. Or you had to have things you were trying out and you want to see if they work. I was recently with a group of writers who were sharing new work and someone who I thought was fairly established (or at least had been writing for awhile) said that they just wanted "general thoughts." And I immediately thought: lazy writer. Don't make me do your work for you. And that person's material needed direction. The writer should have been asking deeper questions of himself.
• The writer's not allowed to talk: This means that the writer takes notes and is not allowed to defend himself. If it's not on the page, then the audience doesn't get it. And if I'm not responding or explaining, then I can gauge what information the audience needs that I didn't give them. I find it liberating to not talk and just see what hits people.
• I like to know what "popped" out and what an audience wants to see/hear more of. Sometimes I'm not sure what direction to go in and when I hear what people are responding to, then I get an instinct about what direction to go in. It's helpful.
• Limit to 30 minutes of feedback. No more than 45. I can't possibly pay attention if folks are giving me notes that cover so much minutae that I get overwhelmed. My mind starts to melt at the 45 minute mark. That's my personal limit. And that's more my personal rule.
• When giving notes, I like to give notes that help a writer enhance what they have. I don't want to rewrite them or have them make a 180. But I respect their POV and I want them to get to their destination on the road they're on.
• Kindness. I think this is a generally good rule.

I find it interesting when I hear someone ripping someone else a new one. I often wonder why. Is it because they're insecure? Is it because they think they're helping? Is it because they just hate what the person is writing and shouldn't be giving notes in the first place. If I don't know how to give a helpful note or if something's so confusing or doesn't grab me, I generally stay quiet. I'm not someone who feels like I need to give notes to every writer who presents in a group. At this writer's group this past weekend, there were pieces I had something to say about. And others where I had nothing to say. That's not because I thought the writing was bad per se. Sometimes it's because I just need more time to let something digest.

And when I'm writing down notes, I only write down the things that I feel are helpful. I'm always writing in my notebook when I'm getting notes, but sometimes I'm not writing down everything. If they don't fit the criteria I have for myself, then I don't write down that note. I used to feel obliged to write everything down because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings or seem disinterested. But sometimes I am not interested in feedback if it's mean-spirited or ill-informed. Not all feedback is good and not everyone knows how to give feedback.

When I teach, I am incredibly thorough and I tend to brainstorm. I want to encourage thinking of big ideas. And I'm there to teach. So I try to model good habits of how to give kind, thoughtful, thorough feedback. But I also give them some brainstorming so they have some ideas that trigger more thought. I give heavy written notes. I have students who really appreciate it. I try to be specific and I like to spend time giving notes. My friend Elyzabeth, who is a very accomplished playwright, gave me a play to read over the summer. Or maybe it was the Fall. But I gave her notes and she said they were some of the best notes she had ever gotten.

I only pat myself on the back because I was helpful. I pride myself in that. I love her and her writing. My interest in it was only to give her things to think about and to let her know what I really liked about the play and what my attention was drawn to. It's easier to give someone feedback if I care about the person because I have a personal connection and I only want what's best for them.

Notes are on my mind because I have to start looking at the notes I got from my past two readings a couple of weeks ago. I have a rewrite to start. And I have an idea of how I am approaching this rewrite.  I made a little plan for myself. I also wrote out all of the notes I got and put them into one document so that I could start to break them down and prioritize.  But also I wanted to try to match up what I was already thinking about.

I am lucky to be surrounded by so many talented and thoughtful writers who offer their feedback with an open heart. My plays and TV and film scripts are all the better for it. I know some really fucking smart people.

I am grateful for the smart people in my life.

I am grateful for the loving people in my life.

I am grateful to have a community.

I am grateful for people who are interested in what I have to say.

I am grateful for theatre companies I'm getting to work with.

I am grateful for opportunity.

The Struggle is Real (and in Real Time)

I had two phenomenal readings of a new play last week. Another reading of a play I wrote last year is also coming up in May.

I'm not saying this to brag. I'm saying this to remind myself that, as a playwright, I have things to say. I'm reminding myself because I'm sitting down to work on the fourth draft of a pilot that has gone through many iterations since I started writing in October.

I think those two plays (and my other plays) work because I have a freedom when I'm writing plays. I play with structure. I allow myself (not without struggle) to write about subjects I'm passionate about with structures that seem to work with and not against the subject matter. I'm able to allow form to follow function. With TV work, there's a certain structure. And sometimes that structure makes me feel confined and constricted. It's as if I think that because there's a traditional structure somehow my pilots need to feel traditional in order for them to communicate to the most people possible. Yet even though I play with structure in my plays, I don't think I'm writing in an obscure way.

A few years ago, I wrote a guest article for a friend's blog about the struggle to allow one's voice to come through in writing TV pilots.  If you're interested, here's a link to that blog post:

http://lpontius.com/guest-blog-eric-loo-the-rules-are-the-same-or-writers-amnesia/

I just re-read that blog post. I am excellent at giving advice. I am less excellent at taking my own advice. I have been struggling with this pilot because I haven't gotten down to what I want to say. I think I've finally figured out what I want to say and now I'm scared. I have an outrageous idea for a hook that illustrates my character's conflict. But then I start asking myself those questions:

Is it too outrageous?
Am I going to get laughed at?
I know "over the top" is kind of a trend right now, but is this just insane?

I'm writing a soap and this hook is classic soap in some ways. But it's also a hook that was at the center of a well-received and (at the time) innovative cable show from several years back. And I'm clearly not sharing that hook for obvious reasons.

I find that I'm judging myself. I'm the king of trying not to be judgmental. If I had a student who had an idea, I would tell them not to judge themselves and to be free to write the idea, even if it seems outrageous. I would tell that student that they should write from a place of (as Mike Nichols used to say): What would really happen? If this situation were to happen to someone, what would really happen? Ground it in reality.

So I suppose I need to ask myself: What would really happen?  

If I was writing this as a play, I wouldn't be afraid to experiment. In the play I'm writing now, I am experimenting. I am writing big and broadly. I'm not afraid to do so. I feel like it's my obligation in order to get my point across. Is this the best way to write the pilot story in order to get my point across? I think so (and that's more hesitant than assertive).

But like the wise guy who is giving advice in the aforementioned blog post says: Don't forget what makes you a great playwright. Why are you getting amnesia all of a sudden just because you're writing a TV pilot?

Take the courage and confidence you have from writing this big, epic, swinging for the fences play that currently clocks in at 134 pages and put some of that into the pilot. Write Big. Go for it. Write the version of the pilot that you need to get out of you and don't judge. Put it out there unapologetically. Stay courageous the whole way through. Write those five acts. Finish it. Write the words: END OF PILOT.

And then drop the mic.

BOOM.

I am grateful for the gift of writing.
I am grateful that one piece of writing can help another piece of writing.
I am grateful for time to type this blog post.
I am grateful for the courage to get these thoughts out.
I am grateful for the knowledge that comes with age and experience.

Friends and Fans

My creative friendships are some of the best in the world, as I've chatted about recently on the blog. I'm in love with a creative person. My best friend in the world is a creative person. And the folks I surround myself with most of the time are creative people. And that's because I need people in my life who speak my language!

My friends are also non-judgmental. I mean, we can all get a little competitive from time to time, but as I've gotten older I realize that the quality of someone's work is no business of mine. I used to tell myself all of the time that I was "just helping" or that "I only want it to be better" whenever I would have some harsh criticism of another writer's work. But I was just being competitive. I can admit that now. And I'd like to issue a too little too late apology to some of my graduate school classmates. I was kind of a cranky dude in grad school. But that's because I was at my most insecure. I felt like if I put someone down then it would lift me up.

Shit don't work that way.

But I was young (I guess). Mostly though I just felt like everyone was so much smarter than me and more accomplished. I had to pump myself up in order to feel like I deserved to be there. I ran with a posse of great, well-intentioned people and we cut people to the bone. We felt superior. Or at least, I did. But that's because most of the time I was quaking in my boots.

I've learned since then that being a supportive friend is about being kind. I've had enough tough love in my life and in my profession that I just want my friends to be fans. It doesn't mean they can't be constructive or point out areas in my work that are unclear. But I want friends in my life who genuinely like what I do and are there to support me in fulfilling the vision of my work.

And I have that. I have smart, talented people in my life who work hard with their own work and don't just rest on their laurels. It's hard work, more than natural talent that inspires me to work hard. I have friends who push me by their example, not by their words of criticism.

I'm getting better at having people in my life who are fully supportive and work their asses off. I'm continually impressed by how much my friends push themselves. It keeps me on my toes. I'm incredibly lucky to have that sort of motivation in my life.

Now I know that I don't have to tear someone down to pull myself up. Or, more importantly, I don't have to tear myself down to motivate myself. Once I found compassion for myself, it made it much easier to have it for other people.

I am grateful for the love in my life.
I am grateful for the opportunity to unplug and tune out the noise.
I am grateful for being older and wiser.
I am grateful for unconditional support.
I am grateful for ideas that keep me afloat.

My Life as a TV Show: PART TWO

Previously, on this blog...

http://creativityinrealtime.blogspot.com/2015/03/my-life-as-tv-show-part-one.html

I'm a guy who wants to write TV shows. So I do a lot of TV watching. When I'm bored. When I'm happy. When I'm excited. When I'm researching. When I'm sad. When I'm looking for something else to watch. I watch a lot of TV. Or I watch a lot of things on the TV from the comforts of my bed. HBO GO. Netflix. You Tube. I watch it all a lot. I don't think it's a waste of time.

I wasn't one of those kids who grew up with restricted TV times. I watched TV and ate in front of it all of the time. I watched TV morning to night during the summer when I was out of school. My parents didn't care. They just told me not to sit too close to the TV so not to ruin my eyes. But they had no qualms about constant exposure. They didn't think that would affect my vision in the future. I could watch 12 hours of TV a day as long as I was at least six feet away from the television set.

So you would think I would grow up to be an idiot. Right? That's a lot of TV. So of course that meant that I at some point imagined my life as a TV show. As a child, I wished and dreamt about joining the cast of The Facts of Life as Andy's ethnic friend who came from a broken home and liked to sing show tunes.  There were always new cast members brought in midway through a show's run to liven things up and breathe life into a dying show. These were human pacemakers. They kept them going until the inevitable cancellation would happen. Shows when I grew up would run 8, 9, 10…14 seasons. That was considered a success.

Nowadays with all the platforms and the ability to sell a show to Netflix or Amazon or Hulu, shows don't have to last as long. So the show that I now imagine myself being on is a little different. It's a niche show. It's a quieter show. It's got a distinct sensibility. It's an acquired taste. And since I'm an acquired taste, I guess the kind of show I imagine my life as now is much more truer to who I am.

So I was watching Meron (IFC) on Netflix earlier, which I had never seen. I always meant to watch it. Like everything. I have anxiety (which is offset due to my hours of quiet and meditation) about all the TV that I have to watch. There are so many things that are available to me now that I just click past everything and rarely land on anything to watch. I usually go back to something I've seen before because it's safe. But every once in a while, something new will creep in and today it was Meron, which is like Marc Meron's Curb Your Enthusiasm. Or Louie. It's got a little more of a set up than Louie, so I think it's a bit more accessible to me. I love Louie and I think he's brilliant. I do agree that he's doing a Woody Allen film every week and it's more of an auteur approach (that's my film school education coming out), so I admire it for its ambition. But I'm a Facts of Life guy, so I also appreciate things that feel a bit more staged. It's the TV diet I was raised on.

So that got me thinking about what my life would be like as TV show. I'm a writer without a gig who spends his days at the library with friends writing. I have writers groups I go to and writers I hang out with. I have a wonderful boyfriend who's gone a lot at gigs (in a recurring role, but still central to the plot). But my main posse are these writer friends of mine. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with Carrie, who I meet up with every Wednesday at the Weho library.  We reserve a private room and write. Usually we just talk a lot and then write in the last 45 minutes, since we only have the room for two hours. That is, if we get a room right away. If we have to wait an hour, then we meet downstairs at the coffee shop to chat and catch up. Then we write for two hours. It keeps us both motivated. Carrie's such a positive person and a lot of fun. We have a lot in common and we keep our standing dates on Wednesday. But Carrie's also always late and can never get to the room on time. Although, she did once, which was a surprise (that might be a stand alone episode). And she always has a story about why she's late, which would make a great running gag.

I'm a gay man. But I have two men in my life who I feel very close to. Somehow, the three of us became a little group of our own after the Men's Creativity Group I put together disbanded due to some turmoil between me and another member of the original group (backstory that doesn't make it onto the series). I met Cory through my playwrights group and he's married to Tory. They're a fantastic couple, but I have created a special bond with Cory. To be honest, he makes me feel really smart. He's from Oklahoma. I'm from Downey. We're both guys from simple backgrounds who live a life far removed from where we started. Cory and I go to plays together. We talk a lot about heady stuff. We drink beers. It's an all around good time. And Cory's a hipster who's either in denial or oblivious to his hipster status. We went to go see Selma together in Silverlake on MLK Day. I don't know what commentary that's supposed to make. But it felt totally right. 

And then there's David, my Ninj. David's a playwright who I met at a holiday party three years ago. We would always run into each other at different events and say hi. But I didn't really know him that well. We were always friendly. I totally thought he was gay and flirting with me. Then I found out he was married and convinced that he was still flirting with me and while I wouldn't count on it, I probably made some sort of agreement with myself that if the opportunity ever presented itself that I would let things happen. Then we ran into each other at this theatre festival last year and our friendship kind of blossomed. I don't remember how it happened, but we started our bromance officially at that theatre festival. We had nicknames for each other and became pals. Then he started coming to the office I had at the time. And we just started gelling as human beings. I dig what he's about. I no longer have a crush on him. For real. We became pals along the way and I value him in my life. I value both of them. And that's the glue that keeps the show together. They're my Miranda and Charlotte. Because obviously I'm Carrie (not my friend Carrie, but Bradshaw). I'm probably Samantha too. 

But just like the friendships grounded that show, my friendships ground my life. Of course, I have other friends who I value deeply. But these are the folks who are free during the day and who take up much of my time. And I really miss them when we don't get to see each other. The truth is Carrie, Dave and Cory make me feel smart, valued and validated because they're so smart and talented. I value their opinion. They aren't harsh critics. They're gushing supporters. They don't have an agenda and they aren't competitive. I used to think that my friendships needed to be all about "keeping it real." But at a certain point, I realized that keeping it real didn't have to feel critical. Many people who were in my life who "kept it real" were just being judgmental and critical to boost themselves. I'm not down with that.

So if my life was a TV show, those would be the folks in it. Of course, I would be in every scene. But those would be the main recurring characters who would make me reflect on something in my life or who would help me gain clarity. They would also be comic relief. And I have other friends who are insightful and wonderful. And longtime pals. I have my best friend, Alanna, who is always a part of my life and knows me better than anyone. I have my boyfriend who's there to hold me and make me feel less alone. He's there to gently remind me when I need to cool my jets. He's also excellent eye candy. But he's also a big reminder of where my heart is these days. He lets me be me and gives me my space. He allows me to miss him and he allows me to feel love. He's helping me to open up. So even though he isn't seen in every episode, his presence is deeply felt. He's everywhere.

So speaking of writing, I'm meeting with my dramaturg tomorrow who is going to help me break down the notes from my reading on Tuesday. We've got five and a half weeks to get the play into some sort of formation. I'm excited about that. I'm jotting down ideas for a new take on my pilot. And I'm working an event with Cory tomorrow for our friend Lisa. My life is full right now. It's good. I'm still figuring things out, but there's always something to took forward to. There's always a reason to tune in.

I am grateful for friendships.

I am grateful for my dramaturg.

I am grateful for writing that will keep me busy for the first half of this year.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for a peaceful Friday.

My Life as a TV Show: PART ONE

I spend my days coming up with ideas for things. That's my job. Right now, that's my only job since I don't have a day job. Not as glamorous as it sounds. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Although, that may soon not be up to me. I may have to have it another way and get a day job. In fact, that's what I'm looking for these days. Jobs at universities that don't involve teaching, jobs at universities that do involve teaching, random things. I was out and about today looking at people working their thankless jobs. I don't know if I would want to do those jobs. But they had somewhere to go. I wasn't judging or feeling superior. I was feeling like a writer who isn't sitting on a pile of cash or doesn't have a TV show or isn't heading to rehearsal or out of town for a production of a play. I'm a dude who sits down at my computer every day and writes. I think I'm pretty good at it. At least, I think I'm justified in thinking that I can devote time to it. What does that mean? I think that might be some self judgment.

I talked to a guy yesterday who was a writer (I will refrain from any judgment by putting writer in air quotes, although I just kind of did. I'm a dick) who asked me what I did. I told him I was a writer and then he immediately asked me if I had sold anything. The guy seemed nice enough. He was kind. He had a red string on, so we talked a little Kabbalah (I used to study). He talked a lot about how his Kabbalah practice had really helped him. I immediately got defensive and felt compelled to explain why I didn't practice any more. That I'm more into spiritual ideas that are inclusive rather than exclusive. That I was raised Catholic, but studied Kabbalah and now meditate. I like to borrow a little bit from everything. He asked me why I didn't go to the centre anymore. I told him I thought it had gotten a little cult for me. He looked disappointed. No, actually, he looked like he had just been judged. I wasn't judging him. Seriously. It just wasn't for me. Then he looked disappointed again.

As we were chatting, I realized what Kabbalah never did for me. My ex practiced and he was totally into it. He gave me a gift certificate for the centre to take intro classes there two months after we met for our first Christmas. He said he wasn't pressuring me, but I think that even then I felt tested. It was a celeb fest. I never saw Madonna or Demi and Ashton. But I did see some other actors there. And it felt like a bit of a private club. In some way, it felt competitive. It felt like even in this spiritual realm, that I was in a hierarchy and that I was on the lower end of the totem pole. The unspoken promise was that this spiritual practice--given extra street cred because it was ancient Judiasm--would be the gateway to all of the riches and prosperity that the celebrities higher up on the food chain had experienced. It was no Scientology. But it had a promise for those who aspire to be greater than what they are. Here's what it never gave me: freedom from the competitive nature of LA.

LA's so competitive and so hierarchical. It's all about comparing yourself to other people. And Kabbalah didn't take any of that away from me. It just fed that beast. I have been meditating for awhile now. I read books on spirituality. I watch Super Soul Sunday. I try to find quiet in my life. I don't listen to the radio in the car that much. Sometimes I listen to my KCRW podcasts. But my phone has been weird lately and Verizon is giving me a hard time getting a phone replacement because technically I'm up for an upgrade, which I currently can't afford. Trust me, I am eying the iPhone 6 or 6 plus.

The guy at Verizon was very judgey today. Josh. He was one of those guys with the normal jobs that I was paying attention to today. He seemed very helpful at first about getting me my replacement phone. There wasn't anything wrong with the phone physically which would disqualify me from using my warranty or insurance. But then the "system" wouldn't suggest a replacement, meaning I had to talk to customer care. That means that they want to upgrade me and want to do a sale in house. So they are making it harder on me by having to call Customer Care to resolve the issue. The problem with customer care is that I can't call them about my phone from my phone. I have to use a different phone to call them. I don't have a land line! And my boyfriend is out of town, so I can't use his phone. So right now I have to turn my phone off periodically to avoid having to do a force quit.

Back to my stillness practice. I practice stillness these days, not Kabbalah. Kabbalah still made me anxious. It made feel feel not adequate. It's just like astrology (which Kabbalists are all about) and tarot card readings (which I admit I'm into). If the predictions don't come true, then you feel like a failure. We all need something to hold onto and put our faith in, whether it's a religious belief, a spiritual belief, a political belief. We need some sort of belief. We need to be told what to believe so that we don't have to feel like it's all our fault if things don't work out. We don't want to take responsibility, so it's easier to pass that on to a faith system. My stillness is not a faith system. My stillness calms me down.

I don't have a lot of noise around me. I love music and I listen to it. But when I'm quiet, I'm quiet. I can stand to be alone. Some people like white noise. I like no noise. Not always. But it's nice to not have to listen to anything. I find that reduces my anxiety. Not to sound old, but it really is the constant stimulation which raises anxiety. Why do you think New Yorkers are always so anxious? I loved it there when I was there, but it's so energetic that it's hard to shut down. And yes, that can be a motivating force. But again…New Yorkers' religion is New York. It gives them faith and carries them along so they don't have to do it on their own. If anything, that's probably the religion I practiced for the longest. Long before I got there and long after I left.

But this guy, who talked a good spiritual game, still had bought into it all. He said he had his volumes of the Zohar at home. And he had the red string. And he probably practiced his 72 names of God. Let me put this in laymen's terms for you. He bought the Encyclopedia Britanica from the traveling salesman, a Crucifix necklace and some crystals for their healing properties. But he still wanted to know if I had sold anything and why I was a playwright since it wasn't very lucrative. The one thing Kabbalah, which he said he had been practicing for 10 years, hadn't brought him was peace.

I may not pray to a God or study Jewish mysticism, but I am much less anxious than I was a year ago. And that's due to a lot of life changes, listening to what's being put in front of me and meditation. And sometimes I don't even fucking meditate. But I make time for quiet. I take things slower. I cook for myself. I lay in bed. I quiet my mind. I can shut off.

I originally had a point about how my life was like a TV show. I had been watching Maron on Netflix and before that Louie. And those guys are descendants of the great Seinfeld. So here we are again at TV. And I wanted to talk about my circle of friends and how life is like an observational TV show, but I'll just make this a two-parter. Because I think I made my point before trying to make my point.

I am grateful for quiet Fridays.
I am grateful for simple pleasures.
I am grateful for Chef Boyardee.
I am grateful for Andy Warhol pocket journals.
I am grateful that I only needed a $25 oil change at the mechanic and that my tires are OK and that I was just being paranoid.
I am grateful for my paranoia.
I am grateful for friendship.

So Emotional

Writers make me emotional because I know how hard it is to create something out of the ether
or to put your heart on the page.
And even if you don't really put your heart on the page, just the sheer amount of time and work it takes to bang out a story,
format it,
think about it,
make up character names,
and click away at the keys
is a feat.
I used to be so judgmental at so called "hacks" and now I realize that it's work for everyone.
That was about being young and feeling like putting down someone else's writing made me
advance up the food chain.
I've learned a lot since then.

This past weekend, I heard new plays-in-progress by twelve other amazing playwrights at the Playwrights Union annual reading marathon to celebrate the end of our February Writing Challenge. This is the set up for our Annual First Look Reading Festival. This was the first year that so many writers signed up for the Challenge, with about 17 signing up to do it and 4 having to drop out. But it's amazing that all of us found time over the past month to write something new. So even if some of us had thirty pages and others got to the end of a play, it ignited something in us. It challenged us to get off our asses and stop making excuses. For me, I knew that I had a group of people behind me with support but also lighting a fire underneath me.

Every writer had something that touched me deeply. It's a play in a month, so there's no room to be critical. You see where something is going and you respond to what you like and want more of. That's it. It's about figuring it out, so the structure might not be locked in yet or the characters might not be totally clear. A few people had pieces that felt very locked down. And there were those of us who were still exploring and figuring it out.

I always use the opportunity to make me better. Yes, I had a goal in mind to get as much written as I could. My first year I brought in 55 pages, last year I brought in 119, and this year I brought in about 117. But it's not about page count. I have a pilot I've been working on and got stuck on. I knew this subject matter would loosen me up. It would make me go to dark places and it would open me up so that I could write a pilot that feels freewheeling and fun. The pilot is a juicy soap and I was over thinking it. So that's this week's project, after another reading of the same script (now 134 pages) for another theatre in town.

Here's the point - not me talking about me. The point is that I listened to these 12 plays and some hit a deeply personal place. There was the play about the woman who's trying to overcome her past. And that woman's me. There was the play about gentrification and the play about a teacher with a secret. I was inspired by the conversations that were happening. I was inspired by the food. I was inspired by the laughter and the hugs that were going around. I was just inspired by how good these writers are and how regardless of how much time they have to work on something, they're going to bring something to the table.

Yes, I just made a comment earlier about "hacks" and not being judgmental. That stands. But I have been with people who want to write, but don't put in the work. They don't read, they don't go see plays and films, they don't know their business. That is hard for me to stomach. Amateurs, I suppose is the polite term. And all of these writers are pros. They are smart and passionate. Those people are easy for me to be around. And they make me wake up thinking about their work and inspire me to send emails telling them to keep going. The world needs more passion and less cynicism and more art.

That's what fuels the fire. That's what puts gas in the engine so I can write as much as I do and as passionately as I do. It's all thanks to them.

I am grateful for my reading tomorrow.
I am grateful that a theatre is behind this new play.
I am grateful that I have friends who encourage me and inspire me to be better.
I am grateful for grazing on snacks all weekend.
I am grateful for random hugs.
I am grateful that my friends get me and don't try to change me.