My Self

Today I had to go to a birthday party for a friend's kid. Last year I went and I had a kid with me. My almost three year old nephew came to visit when his Dad had to go to a funeral last minute in LA. So it was perfect, I had a little munchkin I could bring with me to a three year-old's birthday party. This year it wasn't like that. I was going to be the single gay guy without kids standing in the corner watching a bunch of kids bounce up and down in a room of bouncy houses. I didn't really want to be there that long. But I got a voicemail from my friend, the mother, this morning who said I could come hang out and catch up with friends. So I felt there was pressure to be social and visit and to not just come for the free pizza.

I got into a conversation with a friend of mine about Master of None, the new Aziz Ansari show on Netflix, which I have lost my shit over. I love it. I love the fact that he's Indian and making this show that doesn't always have to do with being Indian. I love that he's a little lost and is allowed to be, but not in a man child way. I love that it reminds me of 70s Woody Allen. I love that it's not like a TV show, but a short film every week. And I love that it's unexpected. My friend, who is married to a woman from India, had some interesting perspective on it. When we saw each other he said, "I was scared to have this conversation." We had chatted briefly at his Diwali party the week before about the show, which I was half way through at the time. And I did want to know what he and his wife thought of it. They watched the first four episodes in between the Saturday I saw him last and today.

He didn't love it, which is totally okay by the way. I'm not arrogant enough to think I have the best taste for everyone. I have the best taste for me. And we chatted about the things that he liked and didn't like. I realized that he wanted it to be more like TV. He wanted things to go wrong and pay off in the short term. He wanted set ups. He wanted jokes. And I love shows like that. But this show is not like that and I love that it works on its own terms. He wanted broader strokes.

I thought about this conversation as I'm reading Sick in the Head by Judd Apatow, my current reading selection. Maybe I like Master of None because I'm Asian. Maybe I like it because I love Aziz. Maybe I like it because I love Woody Allen. Maybe it's just good. I don't know. I know that I bring my own baggage to watching it, as we all do when we watch something. I love that it doesn't fill in all the lines for me and that it's messy. I love that Aziz is purely observational and allows it to just be. That's bold and exciting to me. Yet I don't feel like I'm lost or there's not a story. By the way, his wife wasn't the hugest fan of it either. I think there was this unspoken pressure she felt to respond to it one way or the other because she's Indian. One series or portrayal isn't going to represent the entirety of one culture. But what I appreciate about the show is how Asian it is and how American it is. It feels entirely modern in that way.

Why that tangent? I don't know. I'm reading a lot of interviews in Sick in the Head that are just resonating with me. I decided to read this book purely to just read what the writers had to say and not the stand ups. But then I started reading everything because stand ups are writers, of course, and the observations these people had about the creative process was enlightening. What I get from these interviews is that these people are so entirely who they are and that's the path they forge. It's easy to get lost or misdirected because you think, "I have to write this this way so I can get to the next rung on the ladder so I can make this happen, so this person can see that I can do that…" It goes on and on.

I had another conversation at the birthday party with another friend and we were talking about writing and teaching and this writer's group I'm a part of through the theatre company she runs. I love this writer's group. I feel like I can be myself and I can bring in work that's very raw and vulnerable. The actors are terrific and the writing is good. She said something that was so enlightening to me and that I had never noticed. She said that because the writers were so versed in how to talk about their own work, it elevated the conversation and the level of discourse. Oh cool! And that's true. Two of my favorite writers and people are in that writers group with me and I love just getting together with them to talk about work. It's so liberating to admit the things you don't know and you learn so much more when you realize what you really don't know.

I also talked about how I needed to detox from listening to what people thought about my work. I needed to detox from bad drugs, basically. And to me, being desperate to hear what someone thinks of your work, who isn't very good at bringing out the best in people they don't agree with, is like smoking shitty weed or doing coke that's cut with really cheap bad shit. Not that I know what either of those two things is like. I had people telling me what they thought about my work, but the basic premise of the conversation didn't come from a place of wanting me to be my best. They just wanted a close approximation of something else they had heard or read or seen work. But they didn't want me to be me. I had to stop taking that drug because it was having a really bad effect on my system. So I've just been writing things that I want to write and really building up those callouses. I had to toughen my skin so that I could seek out new representatives and this time really know what I need.

The past year and a half have been an exercise in me knowing what I need. I have spoken up for myself and it has worked more than it hasn't. That's the attitude I am going in with in looking for new reps. I am not desperate to get someone just for the sake of having them. If it's not right and if it doesn't serve what I need, then I don't need it. That's risky. But I don't want to be working from a place that doesn't feel genuine. That does not serve me.

People will treat me how I tell them to. And if I'm not right with my self, then they can only proceed based on the information I give them. It's all right for the cheese to stand alone sometimes.

I am grateful for good conversations at children's parties.
I am grateful for the four slices of pizza I hate.
I am grateful for relaxing on my friends' couch afterwards.
I am grateful for the books I'm reading.
I am grateful for the information I am taking in.
I am grateful for all the knowledge I seek.

More Lies

I haven't been doing this long enough. Everyone who I admire started doing this young and I didn't start early enough.

Lies, lies, lies. Lies-a Minnelli lies! (I stole that from a drag queen on RuPaul's Drag Race). I am reading a great book of interviews by Judd Apatow called Sick in the Head.  I love comedy. I love hearing about process. But the interviews I'm most fascinated by are by the writers. Of course. And I'm reading Judd's interview with Louis C.K. who I love. I am also watching Aziz Ansari's Master of None and I feel like both of those shows come from the same vein. As does Chris Rock's film Top Five. And they are all the sons of Woody Allen's 70s heyday and Seinfield's 90s heyday. All men of color, by the way. Aziz is Indian. Louis is Mexican. And Chris is Black. I love that.

But that's not my point. I'm reading this interview with Louis C.K. and I know that people like him and Marc Meron have been at the comedy game for awhile. They had an earlier part of their career where they were out there doing it and not fully formed. But they were at it and learning the things they needed to learn. Like craft and form. When I was in my 20s, I really had to learn how to write. I didn't really know. But I did it and I kept doing it. I went to graduate school and I thought, "Oh, that's where I'm going to become fully formed." I really believed that. I laugh at it now because that's not what happened. I couldn't have been more confused. Would I have been better served if I did grad school in my 30s? No. I was in school. I needed to be young and fully unformed. Or un-fully-formed. Whatever.

My time in graduate school was like a comedian's early days in the comedy circuit. Trying stuff out at clubs. Amateur nights. Open mikes. Okay, maybe undergrad was like open mikes. And then grad school was like getting those first unpaid gigs where I would just go out and bomb. Comedians talk about bombing for two straight years, but still going out there. And that was graduate school for me. I bombed graduate school. Oh, absolutely bombed it. And I thought I was ready to go out and tackle life. I thought Playwrights Horizons and the Public and the Atlantic and Actors Theatre of Louisville and the Mark Taper Forum and all of the big theaters I had heard about were ready to produce me straight out the gate. I admire that chutzpah. But that's all you're running on when you're that green: guts and naivety.  Just being too dumb to know better. And it's great to be young, gifted and stupid. I've had so many adventures in my life because of that. It's when I thought that I knew stuff, that false sense of experience, when I really got into trouble.

And ever since then I've been trying out new material. Some of it worked. Some of it didn't. I got so almost close to so many things. Like the time when a play of mine shot up the ladder and I thought it could have been produced at Second Stage Theatre in New York. There was the time that I met on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. There were so many times that I was a cockroach's breath away from my dream. And it didn't happen. Louis C.K. said something in his interview that I found so interesting:

"I'm glad I didn't get it. I'm glad for every single thing I didn't get."

He was talking about not getting a shot on Letterman early on in his career. That struck something in me. Because he's basically saying thank you for what he didn't get. I'm getting there. I'm mostly there. But there's that tendency to think, "What if I got that thing right when I got to LA and I would have been a comedy writer?" And there's no way to rewrite history. It didn't happen. Then I wrote something amazing. Then nothing happened with that. I still feel like that play is still way ahead of its time. It's starting to feel a bit more real now. But still nothing was happening career wise. Then I got a shot of hope when a literary manager at that theatre really loved that play. Then somewhere else liked the play. Then someone else said that they couldn't produce it because it was so big in scale. Then someone else said there wasn't an audience for it at their theatre. I thought, "Well, they didn't say they hated it."  But I kept writing things. There was that brilliant spec of The Office that I wrote that almost got me a job. There was that play about my grandmother that was a finalist at the O'Neill. Still not produced.

As I'm reflecting on all of this, it's remarkable that I didn't quit. I was writing great things. And that's not a delusion from me. It's seriously not. Listen, there are amazing plays, award-winning plays that people hate and poke holes in. So it's not a stretch or even egotistical to say that I wrote a bunch of wonderful work that no one wanted. I just didn't have the right person at the right time say, "I like that." But I keep going for that three-pointer. And every time I shoot for the thing that's just right beyond my reach, every time I stretch a little further, I get closer. What would be the point shooting for the thing that feels very comfortable? I might not get that either. I'd rather reach far. If I haven't quit yet, it means that I'm pretty dedicated to all of this against all of the odds. Because trying to have a writing career is an exercise in having all of the cards stacked against you.

Then I decided I wasn't writing enough things that I loved. I wanted to go back to writing plays. So I wrote three plays in quick succession. All bad. Maybe not bad, but not fully thought out. I was writing to write. And that could have been a waste of time. But I sat and wrote those plays straight through, even though I was feeling shitty about myself. I went back to an old idea from graduate school. I wrote about magical tigers and natural viagra. I wrote about a mother who fucked her son to help him get better SAT scores. I don't have any of those plays anymore. I erased them from my hard drive. But they were important because I wrote all three plays in six months. I had some pipes to clean out. It's not like I ever stopped writing. During this whole period up to this point, I wrote specs of The Bernie Mac Show, Entourage, The New Adventures of Old Christine, 30 Rock, The Office, and True Blood. I've also written specs of Glee, House of Cards, and other shows as well. I wrote spec pilots. I pitched ideas. I was working on a web series. I never stopped writing. But then something happened to me.

I took some drugs and went into the woods. Then I came back and outlined a play. I'm not advocating the taking of drugs to inspire. At least not as the main source of inspiration. That would be like taking Viagra or Cialis every time you wanted to jack off or have sex. No judgement.

I had an idea for a complicated play that took place in three different time periods based on a painting I saw. I went from idea to outline in less than a week. Then I had a break up. Then I picked up the play idea that summer for a three week workshop. So many things in me had changed. I was a new writer. Suddenly, all of those things I written felt like they had led somewhere. Then I wrote the next play. And I started writing new pilots. Then I fired my managers because I didn't want to have to listen to people who didn't understand what I was doing. I finally knew I didn't deserve that.

Last year, I wrote five new scripts: one new play, two pilots, a spec script and a screenplay. This year I worked on a new play from idea to workshop and final reading in eight months. I wrote a pilot. I'm working on a redraft of one of the pilots I wrote last year. And I started a new play. Those last three happened in the past month.

Wait a minute…I've been at this for a long time. I've been working on this long enough. I don't need to pay my dues. I've been paying them. I'm ready now. And maybe it won't happen for another year or five, but I'm ready now. That doesn't change the fact that I'm ready and I've been ready for a while. Not for the entirety of the years I've been in LA. But at least for the past several years. I don't have anything to prove to anyone. My writing is for me. My getting better is for me. But any step along the way, I will be ready. I used to think it hadn't happened yet because I didn't deserve it yet. Like the Council of Entities That Make Things Happen hadn't decided yet. There is no Council. And if there is, they aren't bean counters. It will happen when it happens. But I could happen right now and I would be ready.

The lie I keep telling myself is that it hasn't happened because I'm not ready. That I haven't been doing it long enough. That I wasn't Louis C.K. or Marc Meron or Kathy Griffin or any of the writers I admire. I kept comparing myself. I kept saying that if I had started earlier…or that they were doing it in their 20s and of course they're finding success now because they have been working on it for a long time.

SO HAVE I! I STARTED IN MY TWENTIES!  No one knew who they were. They were doing it for years before anyone knew who they were. Same as me! It's only now that I know who they are that it feels like they were on the radar for years. And by the way, I'm on someone's radar. I'm not totally anonymous.

I had a tarot card reading years ago that said that I didn't realize how close I actually was. And at the time, I thought that card was right. I had no idea. I also thought that reading was crazy. Am I close? But I realize now that it's true. If I go through my history and write it out like I just did…I'm on the precipice! Any day now…

And I am grateful for everything I didn't get. I'm trying to do something so unique to me that there are fewer blueprints. Maybe that's why it's taking longer. Maybe it's just taking longer because it's taking longer. Maybe it doesn't make sense. There isn't necessarily a rhyme or reason. It's not my fault. I can't control it.

I just know that I started doing it. And I'm still doing it. And I'll be doing it tomorrow. And that's fine.

I am grateful for everything I've ever written.
I am grateful for the trees that died for the drafts and drafts of scripts I've printed out over the years.
I am grateful for the electricity I used.
I am grateful for the hours and hours of sleep I got letting my ideas percolate in my head.
I am grateful for the hours and hours of conversations with friends I've had trying to figure shit out.
I am grateful for the water that made the cups of tea and coffee.
I am grateful for the songs I've listened to for inspiration.
I am grateful for every penny I spent on iTunes.

The Great Lie

You're no better than anyone else.

That's the great lie. Because sometimes you are.

My parents drilled that into my head because they wanted me to learn humility. But they drilled it into my head because that's what their parents drilled into their head. Because that's what they were told. And being poor, without a college education, and without the material things that people around them had, the idea that they were no better than anyone else was reinforced.

But the fact of my life is that I am better than some people. I am worse than plenty of people. But I am smarter and better educated than some people. I am kinder. I am more generous. I am more handsome. There are plenty of people above me, but many people below me as well. So, while I'm not better than every body. I am better than some.

Why did I just give my ego a big boost? Because the big lie that I tell myself based on the great lie is that I am not ready. Because I am no better, I need to get better. And I still need to get better. And I'm still getting better. So while I'm still climbing that infinite ladder, other people are getting ahead of me because they're not concerned with being the best or being perfect. They're happy to grab onto an opportunity where they're at now. Because they believe they're good enough now. I've never believed that. I always thought I hadn't earned it yet. So while I continued to get better and better and got closer and closer to opportunities, I didn't give off any vibes that I deserved it.

Is that why things haven't happened in the way I want them to? I don't know. But I know now that I'm deserving and that I'm ready now. I am better at story than some. I am better at characters than some. I am better at motivating people than most. I am better at making people better than most. I'm reading Judd Apatow's book, Sick in the Head, right now and he talks about Mike Nichols. The first time Nichols comes up is in a conversation with James L. Brooks the day of Mike Nichols' passing. And the thing they talk about is how generous he was. When an actor made a mistake, he said it was his fault. And when they did something great, he gave all of the credit to the actor. I love actors. I admire their talent and I'm glad they're good at what they do because I'm not good at what they do. But I do know how to make them better.

During the workshop and rehearsal process for my last play reading in September, I learned how good I was at making actors better. I had an incredible director and she pulled great performances out of our actors. But I listened to them and made rewrites based on what would help them understand the characters better. We lost our director to a prior commitment for our last rehearsal. I remember sitting in the audience while scenes were being read and laughing my ass off when something was good. Then I chatted with them later about how great they were. And I sent them emails about the things I loved about their work and the things that inspired me. I didn't give them direction per se, but I was clear and generous about what I loved. If I had notes, I gave them. But they already knew I was such a fan of their work that those notes took on greater meaning. They leaned into them more. The night of the reading, they were phenomenal. And it was then I realized how good I am with actors. Better than most.

I am writing two new pilots before the end of the year. I have thought about them. I have researched. I have kept a journal. I have written a lot of pages fast. I continue to read and watch things that will help me without getting into a panic. I appreciate the good things about each of the scripts. They are not as personal as the play I used worked on for eight months. But they don't have to be. I know what I want to learn from each one. I am writing a cable show and a network show.

For the cable show, I have two protagonists. It's a period drama. It takes place in 1970s New York. I have a sense of the visuals as I'm writing. I know this story takes place while the feminist movement is gaining momentum. It's at the beginning, but really the golden time, of the gay liberation movement. It's an aspirational fantasy and because of that it doesn't have to be real. It must be truthful. But reality isn't a part of what I am going for. Sex and the City was an aspirational fantasy. And this is no Sex and the City, but I can take some liberties. I can go further into the fantasy and that's exciting to me. I love the history of it. I love what it's going to say about women and minorities as these two groups are finding their voice. Some friends have compared my idea to Mad Men. While there aren't aesthetic similarities, I want this to be about being a woman as much as Mad Men was about masculinity in that era. My women are liberated in a world where it's not about gender, but good looks.

For the network show, I'm loving the structure of a soap opera. I love writing these act breaks. I love writing these shocker moments. The structure of the piece is what appeals to me most. It's about mothers and daughters, and fathers and sons. It's over the top. It's glamorous and fun. It's more escapist. I'm excited to flex a different muscle. And that's thrilling to me. It's not about a political issue and it's not about my family history. But even though it's not personal in that way, I am writing about things that are important to me even though they may not be "important." I want to have fun with both and I need to just let myself go.

So I know what I'm doing here. And I"m better at it than some people I know. Again, I'm not trying to compare. But if I don't know that I'm better, I can't communicate that to anyone in the position to hire me. If I don't know that I'm better and can't let them know that, then how will they know I'm better? Because that's the only reason they'll hire me--if they think I'm better. Plenty of writers ride the wave of chutzpah.  They don't over think. And they don't compare and feel they need to know everything before they start. They just start. I don't need to earn my way in. I'm worthy enough now.

I am grateful that I am enough.
I am grateful for opportunities to express what I know.
I am grateful for all that I know.

Gratitude Booster Shot

I've used this blog as a gratitude journal for about two years now. At the end of every entry, I list at least three (my own rule) things I'm grateful for. These are small reminders that I need to live from a place of gratitude to appreciate what I have and not to undervalue my accomplishments.

I woke up this morning feeling funky. I've been looking for jobs. I've put a lot of out there into the Universe. Much like I feel a postpartum depression after I finish a project, I think I might be experiencing a little of that in the aftermath of finishing a slew of applications for play development opportunities and for jobs. Actually, I don't think I realized that until just typing that now. In any case, what I need today is a booster shot of gratitude. So this blog entry will be all about what I am grateful for in my life as of today.

I want to be right. I want to be good. I want people to look at me in a certain way and regard me as a positive, upstanding, uplifting spirit. I have the "good boy" disease where I am validated by people thinking I'm a good person. But I have my days. I don't want to be fake, but at the same time, negative thoughts creep into my consciousness and I have to actively reframe those thoughts. I woke up this morning feeling like a complete failure. Last night, I felt good about a long, complicated scene I was writing for a pilot I'm writing. But I did have a thought that I should write as much as I could while I had the energy because I didn't know where my energy would be at in the morning.

Is that a negative thought? Or a self-fulfilling prophecy? Because when I woke up, I felt shitty. Now maybe I was tired because I had stayed up late. Maybe I felt pressure to prove myself wrong. Maybe a lot of things. But I woke up feeling down. I came to the library near my Mom's house where I work when I'm down here. I locked myself into a private study room and I started by meditating. I love meditating. I can tell that I need to do it when I'm feeling this way. So I'm grateful that I have meditation as a tool to pull me out of my funk when I need it. It's available to me whenever.

I am grateful that I have the tools I need to get me out of my head space. One of those tools is a series of journals and blogs that I keep. Whenever I'm stuck on something, I know that if I start journaling about it, I will pull myself out of a stuck place. It's the free writing aspect that pulls me out. I stop thinking and I just start doing. I write and write about any thought that pops into my head. I am grateful for free writing. It doesn't cost me anything and it allows me the freedom I need to get out of my head. So it's free for more than one reason. I'm not sure why I just wrote that. It seems silly. But again…free writing.

Without fail, I free myself from the confines of my own mental prison of stuckness. But this is available to me every day. I just have to access it. I suppose that's like anything. I heard this story about Jim Carrey (it's a famous one) and how when he was struggling, he looked out into LA and thought that all of it was his, but he just hadn't accessed it yet. Everything I want is mine. I have ownership over it. I just have to access it. That's a simple thought to something we all make complicated.

My boyfriend is constantly telling me that it's not as complicated as I'm making it. I immediately resist this way of thinking and it gives me a tightness. It's a source of tension. And that tension tells me that my thought about what's complicated and what's over thinking is an area I need to look at in my life. Like a knot in my neck, it's letting me know that I need to address it. Maybe it isn't as complicated as I'm making it out to be and someone else has the answers. I am grateful for my boyfriend who tells me the things I don't often want to hear, but that I need to. I am also grateful that I can hear them and slow my roll when I need to.

I'm living the life I want to be living. Yes, there are things I'm lacking. But if I keep focused on the life I want to live and fortify that thought by doing what I love to be doing, then the rest of the byproducts of being productive every day will be there. People love to say when they're doing something they love for a lot of money that they'd do it for free. And the cynic in me says that it's easy for them to say that because they're making a shit ton of money. But maybe that's the mentality that got them there. And I'm proving that I would do what I love for free because I am. One day I will write for money. One day I will get paid to write. But the important thing is that I am writing now. I am grateful to be able to write everyday if I want to. Because that's the core of who I am. Some of these other jobs might be lucrative day jobs that help me keep writing. Some of these other jobs might be directly related, so that I'm writing and doing what I love. The important thing is that I am not stopping.

When I look back at my life five years ago, I was not living the life I wanted. Yes, I was making money. Yes, I was getting by. But I was spiritually depleted and sad. I was coming from such a place of unworthiness. I am grateful that I know my worth. These things take time to understand. But when you understand your value, you don't let it go. You know how to price yourself. And sometimes that's literal pricing and asking for the money you deserve. But more often it's about not accepting any mistreatment. And that's the greatest lesson I have learned in the past few years. I won't be mistreated and I won't mistreat myself. Like everything, there are moments where we succeed and others where we fail. But because I know my worth, I know to know when things aren't where they need to be. I am beyond grateful for the knowledge I've gained over the past five years. And I am grateful for every second it took to get there. I am grateful for the time spent.

I am grateful for the moment this morning where I woke up depressed. I am grateful that I got out of bed and put on a pair of jeans instead of driving over in a pair of pajamas. I am grateful for my car that has taken me places over the past ten years safely. I am grateful that it brought me to the library safely. I am grateful that a private room was available for me to write in this morning. I am grateful that my computer works. I am grateful that I got to meditate this morning. I am grateful for the questions that Deepak and Oprah asked me to journal about. I am grateful for the ability to journal. I am grateful that I had thoughts this morning. I am grateful that the meditation worked. I am grateful that I had new perspectives in which to blog about. I am grateful for the articulate thoughts I have on the subject of value and worth. I am grateful that I have the mental space today in which to write down these thoughts. I am grateful for my fingers. I am grateful for my exceptional typing skills to get my thoughts out as fast as I have them. I am grateful to my mother for four consecutive years of typing class. I am grateful for the ability to practice fast typing every day as a writer. I am grateful that my mind and body are unified in how they work together. I am grateful for the smile that just came across my face. I am grateful to have things to be grateful for. I am grateful that this is my mantra today. I am grateful that I overcame my fear to get out of bed and to face the day. I am grateful that a healthier attitude was waiting for me once I got here and woke the sleepiness from my eyes. I am grateful to go to Mom's and to have food waiting for me. I am grateful that my cell phone works. I am grateful that I had hot tea to warm up my spirit this morning. I am grateful that I know what works for me and what I need to take care of myself. I am grateful for friends in my life to reflect positive energy back to me. I am grateful for my conversation with Carrie last night. I am grateful for a boyfriend who keeps welcoming me back even though I have serious doubts. I am grateful that I have patience with myself. I am grateful for random conversations that put things in perspective. I am grateful for strangers. I am grateful for lessons learned. I am grateful for books. I am grateful that the new Judd Apatow book was available for me to check out at the library yesterday. I am grateful for the sweet guy who works here at the library and always greets me with a smile and opens up the study room for me. I am grateful that he calls me Mr. Loo. I am grateful that he wore blue today. I am grateful for my imagination. I am grateful to have a place to come to. I am grateful for all the gratitude expressed in this monster paragraph all in bold. I am grateful to be done with this blog.

Day Jobs

This week I have been focused on day jobs. The thought of having a day job has been messing with my mind lately. It brings to mind thoughts of settling and failure. But I love having a roof over my head and eating. I am trying to refocus my perspective on day jobs. I love having a free and open schedule to write and I have been taking advantage of it. The hard part has been feeling like I need to fill all of my time with writing or anything that has to do anything with writing because I'm lucky to have this time to write. Gratitude has made it easier for me to be productive. I used to get stuck in my head with thoughts of unworthiness if I had a moment where I wasn't writing. Like if I was grabbing a sandwich, getting on a phone call, or masturbating then I felt like I was a failure.

I think about plies, the knee bends that you do in dance. Without going low and prepping, you can't jump high. So it's about the moments of rest as much as it is about the moments of energy. It's such an easy and true idea that it's easy to forget. So I have to be grateful for those moments of rest. Where did this feeling come from that we had to be every productive every second of the day? That we never have to refuel? Now I get it, people can make a whole day out of refueling and never burn off that energy. I get that. The attraction of a day job is that sort of security that you don't have to think about what you're going to do, you just get told what to do and your time gets filled up for you. And then you get money for doing the thing that you're told to do. Yes, there's an aspect of it that is being on auto pilot. And that feels nice sometimes to not have to self-motivate.

But I love living a conscious life. That doesn't mean I can't have a day job. It goes back to that thought that we have to treat our creativity like a job. You have to clock in. You have to work for a while and not stop working. You have to take a break. You have to work some more without interruption and then you have to clock out. But don't I do that now? Yes, it's a little more free form. But that's the work I do now. However, before I start a task, I over think it. The great thing about a day job is that you have a task, you do it. You have another task, you do it. Not a lot of thinking. My creative life could benefit a lot from that way of thinking. It's not precious, it's just a task. The beauty is already in there, like water in pipes. All I need to do is turn on the faucet and let the water flow. The artistic self and the creativity and the genius is the water. The work is the faucet that gets turned on. The faucet doesn't create the water. It doesn't make it. It's already made. Just like my creativity. It's already made. The flow is about how free and clear that path is. But the day job is just the faucet, it's just the ability to turn on. It's a switch. It's not the light itself.

So I just have to decide how I'm going to turn on. I have a day job now. And it's writing. But it needs to pay more.

I am grateful for analogies.
I am grateful for insight.
I am grateful for phone conversations that motivate me.
I am grateful for belief.
I am grateful for my strong work ethic.
I am grateful that I don't stop.

Daily Practice

A few years ago, I was lost. I was on the hamster wheel of achievement. I believed that I had to make a lot of money in order to do the things that I loved. I believed that once someone paid me, then I would have the permission to be the writer I wanted to be. I put myself at the center of "moving and shaking." I worked for someone who created careers for people and produced work. I felt that if I was in the neighborhood, then some of that would rub off on me. Or that I would catch scraps. I believed that if I was in the eye of the storm, then I would get noticed. Instead, I got blown away.

Today, I spend my days writing. If someone asked if I was doing what I wanted to do, I would have to say yes. I am writing things I want to write. My idea are unfiltered and I am reinforcing the writer I've always wanted to be. Everything I wanted I have achieved. I am a writer. I am writing.

So what now?

I have spent the better part of the past five years in self-reflection. I have built myself back up from a person who only listened to what other people wanted of him. I have spent a life time pleasing other people. And I always believed that once I stopped doing that, then there would be a windfall. And there has been. I got everything I wanted. I know who I am. I live in that truth. I am true to myself most of the time. Like all of us, I succeed and fail in that every day. But my main drive is towards what I want. And yet, I haven't gotten any richer. But what that what I wanted? Or did I want to become the writer I always knew I was. And it isn't about one or the other.

I remember someone saying once that money is an energy. It's not just the physical paper or coin. Money is an energy that indicates what your intention is. And so if I look money as an energy and not a commodity or just having monetary value, then I look at the ways to reinforce what I want to be doing with my life. Being on a bigger stage will allow me to learn more and to expand myself. Being a writer on a TV show will teach me more about producing and about being certain of myself. It will be a test to who I am and to what I believe. And if I fail at it because I am true to myself, while being respectful but not succumbing to the will of others, then I will know it's not for me. But I have to know. I seek out that knowledge not for the rewards, but to fortify my belief.

I want to reinforce what I already know in order to continue to move forward. And in that way, being a paid writer, helps me move towards that goal of self-knowledge and growth. It helps me become the fullest version of myself. The action of it, not the reward of it. For so long, I have been focused on the reward of it because I believed that reward somehow would validate me. The work validates me. Not the paycheck. The paycheck pays for things. That is essential. But it does not validate me.

I have that handled. Every day I wake up to write and then I write, I am validated. Every day I read scripts by writers and impart what I know, I am validated. Every day I get to practice what I know and get to reinforce what I've learned, I am validated. I do that for myself. I don't need an industry to validate me. I need a job to pay me. But I have already amassed the knowledge and I have put that knowledge into practice on a daily basis.

Everyday I work hard to bring my ideas to fruition. I reinforce what I know and what I have learned by doing. I validate myself. Everyday I learn to work faster and more efficiently with the same skill and precision I've always had. For a period of time it was about getting good. And then it was about being better. And now being better is about being just as good--and improving everyday--but being faster and more efficient with limited time. It's about decreasing the margin to which my work suffers the faster I do it. I write a lot because the ideas come. But because I am in the practice of getting the ideas down as they come, I improve my skill and precision.

Being in a writers room, but not as a writer, would put me in proximity and it would familiarize me with the details of what it takes. But by not doing what it takes, I can't learn. And if I'm working 14 hour days in order to be in proximity, all I am doing is being so close, yet so far away. Because I am not becoming a better writer. I am just jockeying for a position that I have not prepared for. I respect everyone I know who came up that way and is doing those jobs. And I'm not saying those people don't get there. They certainly do. But there's more than one way to get there. For me, it's about being precise and fast and I am practicing that every day. And that practice leads to completed drafts of scripts that get better and more precise.

I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I am a writer. I do write. And now I have to expose that writing. I could just stay here forever, but at a certain point I would stop improving. Because exposure and playing in a larger arena would then teach me new things that I couldn't possibly know otherwise. At some point, I will become an employed writer. Not because I've earned it. Or because I finally got good enough to deserve it. I will be paid because it will be time. And that is not determined by me. But I'm doing everything I can to declare to the Universe that that is the next step. And that's all I can do. Because regardless, I have already achieved what I wanted. I am a full-time writer.

I am grateful for every bit of knowledge I have learned and applied.
I am grateful for meditation.
I am grateful for stillness.
I am grateful for what I know now.
I am grateful for my own path. 
I am grateful for laughter and encouragement.
I am grateful  for friendship.
I am grateful for help.

I'm Vulnerable

There's a War in Hollywood. And that war is to be right, to win, to conquer, to succeed, to prove everyone in your life who has ever doubted you wrong, to gain wealth and to be validated, among countless other things.

Replace "Hollywood" with countless other forms of validation: Family, Relationships, Work, etc. And in order to go to war we have to be impervious to pain and suffering. Or so we think. We put on our Armor and we go into Battle to Win. And in order to do that we need to be absolutely certain. When I was studying Kabbalah briefly almost a decade ago, the mantra was about absolute certainty. You need to be certain and to have extreme knowing. There was no room for doubt and very little room for vulnerability.  Like many spiritual practices, it was about the power of extreme will. The Secret is another example of this. We don't hear so much about those belief systems anymore. And they work so well in Hollywood circles because it's all about putting on that armor and going to war. It's an aggressive reaction to an aggressive environment.

But I've been listening to Dr. Brene Brown on Super Soul Sunday (you know I love it). And much of her study has been in the area of vulnerability. For me, being vulnerable is about having the courage to expose yourself and be truthful, warts and all, when it's much easier to pretend to be stronger, more successful, or smarter than you actually are in the moment. Being softer and being more exposed invites people in instead of keeping them out. If people don't know you're suffering, then they can't reach out and help. For me, practicing vulnerability has helped me have greater understanding of other people and it has encouraged patience for myself.

It's really what I've been talking about when I've talked about going to my father's hospital bed and sitting beside him. It's allowing myself to talk to him when it would be easier to not say anything because of my own fear of being rejected or pushed aside by him. I have to say that my father never once made me feel ashamed for taking care of him. He might have been angry about it or pushed back, but he never said I was weak or sad or a loser for wanting to take care of him. He never attacked me on a personal level. And in the ways he was capable of committing to vulnerability, he allowed himself to be exposed quite physically. He allowed himself to be taken care of by his son. So if I have no other proof that vulnerability makes my life better, that's the one I will hold onto forever. And it's the example that helped in changing things around for me.

I was raised to be tough. Because I'm gay and had to be ready for a fight at all times, I was trained to not let my vulnerability show. And some of that was necessary for survival. No one fucks with me. And that has been useful. But what I forgot to do was to take the armor off. Maybe I needed it so much that I couldn't take it off in my youth. But I never got the memo for when it was okay to take it off. And honestly, I encouraged the continuation of emotional warfare. Because when someone sees the armor, they also assume that there's a war going on and they put on their armor and get ready for a fight. When the armor's not on, it's a sign that it's time for peace. So I did just as much to encourage the continuation of emotional warfare as anyone else.

I've had to really practice vulnerability in my life over the past several years. I try to be as open as possible about everywhere I am in my life. I try to be truthful, even when that truth doesn't paint me as the most successful, capable,  on track person. It is vulnerable to talk about my writing process. It's vulnerable to expose myself, both when I'm incredibly productive and when I'm struggling. It's vulnerable to talk about struggling emotionally and financially. It's vulnerable to stand in my truth and be where I am right now. It's vulnerable to admit that I don't know what lies ahead of me. To not appear as the guy who has his shit together is vulnerable. I never understood why people were not coming to my aid. I never asked them to. I never shared that I was drowning. Because I, like everyone, saw vulnerability as weakness.

Now I ask for help a lot. That was hard for me. But being in a place in my life where I could be honest about who I am has made me feel less alone. Because I don't buy into this idea of having to be uber competitive and at war at all times, sometimes I feel left out of the game. But the more I see what that game is, the less interested I am in it. Now, does that mean that I can't have a career? No. Because that warfare, like I said earlier, exists everywhere. You can't escape the war mentality. So many people want to win and to be seen as winners. And the belief is that if you get yourself out of the game, then it shifts the power so that those people who believe in warfare will get what they want anyway and probably sooner since you "dropped out of the game." But what I've come to believe about myself is that I have to believe in the everyday successes.

That's where gratitude comes in. And that's where this idea of not being goal-oriented comes in. If I'm only able to feel joy when I reach a huge accomplishment or when someone acknowledges me, then most of my life is going to be pretty hard to endure. I will be in a constant state of feeling like a failure. But if I get my joy from the work I do and I get more joy from doing more work, which means that I am in charge of generating my own joy because I'm always working, then I'm always feeling satisfied. And that satisfaction and validation is self-created. Self-validation is the key for me. And because I'm working constantly and the light is always on in the workshop, then people will know where to find me. I don't need to constantly keep my eye on the clock, wondering when they're coming. It makes that outside check-in irrelevant. I'm less focused on when they're coming. And for me, my practice has been about constantly working on things. About constantly keeping the light on. And you know what, people know where to find me. I'm a writer. They know it. I have stuff to show. I have readings for them to attend and scripts for them to read.

I can't say that I wouldn't have been ready for outward success earlier in my life. There would have been a different kind of course correction happening if that was the case. But I can say that I experience success every day. I wanted to be a writer. I am. I haven't always been. But that's all I wanted. Now if I want more, I probably should focus on going beyond that. If I want money, I can get money. Does that mean other things will be sacrificed? I won't know if I don't try. But it's bad to convince myself that somehow I give up the things that I love because of that. That it's an either/or situation. Because that's a lot of message I'm telling myself as well. That because I'm not rich from writing, it means that being rich from writing is bad. No, it just means that I'm jealous. I have friends who are rich from writing. Does that make them any less? Does that mean that they "bought in" or "sold out?" No. It means that they are rich from writing. And that's all it means. If they attach something to it, then fine. But I'm not. I have my armor off. If I keep my armor on, then that becomes a battle that I don't need to fight.

I am grateful for time in the morning to think.
I am grateful for a steady flow of ideas.
I am grateful for the music in my head.
I am grateful for the state of continuous motion I am experiencing.
I am grateful for the love in my heart.
I am grateful for my ears.
I am grateful for my eyes.
I am grateful for my ability to feel.
I am grateful to know what course I am on despite the gravitational pull.
I am grateful for my choices.
I am grateful for my constantly typing fingers.