Manifest Destiny

This new moon in Aquarius is supposed to be really important, especially since that's my sign. During these first ten days, I'm supposed to focus on the things I want for the rest of the year. Everything I do should be in service to putting out the intention of the things I want. Most people call this manifesting. When you visualize what you want, you get it. It's that simple a formula.

So what do I want? Or more importantly, what have I spent my time doing during the past few days?

• I am working on my script for my first episode of the show. I spent the past two weeks rebreaking my episode, then pitching the next episode. 
• I am writing my new pilot.
• I am teaching.
• I am connecting with elements of my past - I spoke at Career Day at my old grade school.
• I am working out.
• I am connecting with friends.

What does that say about the things I want?

• Writing will be an important part of this next year. I will be employed on another TV show this year.
• My pilot will get me work.
• I will continue to teach and be inspired by my students to push myself harder.
• I will be in better shape this year - also thinner and more cut.
• My friendships will be important to me this year. Maybe I will even travel with friends.

I am finally settling into the fact that this is my life. Being a TV writer is what I do for a living. And now that I achieved that goal, what's the bigger dream? Where do we go from here?

I think we go to a network show. I think we make real money. I think life gets bigger. I am able to put away more money and pay bills. My horoscope says to spend money on my appearance from now through February. I need to attract work and opportunity to myself. So getting a new laptop is a part of that equation. When I sit down and do work, I need to have authority. I also need a better functioning computer. But that helps my appearance. I appear successful.

I have all of the samples I need to get work. But I will continue to write and make what I have better. Writing's a big part of the year, but being in the room and learning how to produce is a bigger part of the year. I will be on set as well if I am available so I can do more on set producing. I really love doing that. The writing is terrific, but the production of something I've written is where I want to live.

My body. I struggle with my body constantly. I lost weight this year. I don't know how much because I don't weigh myself. And I get paranoid about weight for no reason. I feel like I put on some weight while being on set because what I'm eating is not what I'm used to eating. I need to go on a cleanse after my birthday. I'm going back on Whole 30. I think it will be a good reset as I venture into this next year. My chest and arms look great. Now I need to seriously trim down and lose body fat. I need to run every morning. And I need to keep strict on my way of eating. I did it before and I've lost the discipline, although I am exercising every day and have done that for the past 4 1/2 weeks.

I want to do more things with friends. But I'm feeling the real urge to travel. I usually go to SF and Portland during the year. But I want to get away. New York would be great, but I think I need to really get away somewhere. I checked out the cheap vacation destinations on some website and there are a bunch of places on that particular list I would like to go visit.

I'm single.

I have no attachments.

I want to have some fun.

My intention is open heartedness.

My intention is to work. 

My intention is to keep going.

My intention is expansion.

I am grateful for a job.

I am grateful for the ideas.

I am grateful foe the effort I put forward.

Fighting and Writing

Yesterday, Trump was sworn into office. I'm sad about that, obviously. But I'm also energized by the opportunity to fight for what I believe in. I'm excited about work that won't be seen as too political in this climate.

My favorite old sitcoms are by Norman Lear from the 1970s. They were written in an era of great social unrest and opposition to the war. We had just come out of the civil rights movements of the 1960s. They were comedies that weren't always funny. I'm starting to see that kind of work come back into vogue now with what's being done on FX by Louis CK and Donald Glover. There's a ton of stuff on TV that's in half hour form, but not always funny.

Is this the exchange - bad political climate for good art?

I don't know. But I know that I can't do anything but write about the things that surround me and concern me. I'm fighting for myself, I'm fighting for my family, I'm fighting for my future husband, I'm fighting for my niece and nephews. I am important. It's more important than ever that my voice is heard and vocal. I am a Chinese/Mexican Gay American. Those stories need to be told from the inside. Those stories need to be told authentically. And those stories need to be told only the way that I can tell them. My whole life I wanted this writing career. And now that I have it, I understand why it's important that I succeed.

Right after college, I went to Portland, OR and worked for a non-profit doing arts therapy for runaway kids. I was always compelled toward activism. But I also knew that I wanted to be a selfish, famous Hollywood writer. I didn't know how both worked. I thought that I would do the non-profit thing for awhile and then segue into the narcissistic phase of my life. I struggled because I wanted to write things that were important to me. But I also wanted to be commercial. I went back and forth a lot on how to serve both masters. The pure pursuit of fame and success felt empty. And just being a social worker or a counselor would't be satisfying to me either. No matter what sort of confusion I felt, I always went back to writing things that felt personal. That felt true. Eventually, it didn't matter if I'd make money or a living as a writer. The desire to create was unrelenting. It didn't even matter if people didn't understand what I was trying to do. Eventually, I felt they would.

I'm met with resistance a lot - who isn't? And every time I get a rejection or a "not for me", I forget about it. I move on to the next thing. As a kid, I knew I was on to something. I didn't know what. At all. But I knew that if I kept at it - actually, I hoped that if I kept at it something would happen. And now we're at this particular place in history. It feels impossible. But do you know how many impossible things I've done? I'm not supposed to be here doing this. There are too many reasons why I should have failed. And I didn't fail.

So I'm going to do what I always do. I'm going to write what I feel and respond to what's going on around me. And what's going on around me is a shitstorm. It's a tsunami avalanche earthquake car crash of a shit storm. But I'm going to put myself to work. And I'm going to speak LOUD - like I always do. And often.

Fighting and writing. That's it. Time to put the armor back on.

My intention is to speak up.
My intention to be be loud.
My intention is growth and expansion.
My intention is to focus.

I am grateful for all of the writers in our writers room.
I am grateful for working relationships.
I am grateful for late night conversations with my best friend.
I am grateful for early breakfasts with my high school best friend.
I am grateful for trips to Vancouver to see my childhood best friend.

2017 - One Week In

It's the first full weekend of the new year.
I am at a Korean Spa, trying to get work done.
Not much changes.

Except, that I just finished my first week of work as a Co-Producer on the show I worked on last year. I'm a little tired. We pushed through a ton of story this week. The room is running well. Three of us writers are returning and we've got two new additions who have brought great energy. I'm not completely destroyed the way I was after my first week on the show last year. I binged watched the first season of Fuller House because I was that brain dead and didn't want much to challenge me. This weekend, I ran my writer's group and I've been running errands and trying to get moving on this pilot rewrite.

I've been wondering why I've been so energized this time around. Maybe it's because I know what to expect. Perhaps it's because I've got more stamina this time. Maybe it's because I'm more engaged. Last year, we knew exactly what we were writing. This time around we're figuring more of it out in the room. I think some of us were scared about not knowing exactly what we were doing for the season. As the week has gone on, I realize it has made me more invested. Last time, it felt like we were being told what to do. This time it feels like we're having to figure it out together. The group think allows us to all brainstorm together. I think I prefer that.

Having another playwright in the room helps. Having another person of color in the room helps too. And then the group who worked together last year. I guess it does feel more familiar in some ways.

This is a great start to the New Year. Last year, I was in the wake of my break up. The world seemed confusing. Then everything changed for the better. This year, I 'm starting out in a much different - and better - place. I'm a working, paid professional writer and a member of the WGA. That changes things. It makes me dream bigger. But it also makes me calmer and not freaked out about what lies ahead.

Before all of the changes last year, I had adopted a different tactic. I was going to let things happen as they needed to. I wasn't going to worry. I had resolved myself to the idea that my career might not happen the way I imagined it. And regardless, I was going to write. Even if I had to take a day job. Even if I had to teach and write plays in my spare time. I was happy doing the work I had been doing. That was enough.

And then the Universe provided with more than I thought it would. This year, I'm doing the work in front of me without much thought to anything else. Yes, I'm finishing this pilot which I know will help get me the next writing gig. I'm not without a plan all together. But I'm not placing limits on what could happen. Which means I don't have time to obsess.

My intention is to work.
My intention is growth.
My intention is to do what's in front of me.

I am grateful for my writer's room.
I am grateful to be employed.
I am grateful to be a new member of the WGA.
I am grateful for new relationships.

I Have No Idea about 2017

I'm not a big fan of making resolutions.
Or of setting goals.
Or of weighing myself.

As the New Year rolls around in a couple of days, people are putting their lists together of the things they need to do starting in January. My gym will be crowded and then empty again by the middle of the month. Not me. I worked out three times this week. I've been sitting down to get my work done. I'm doing the work I always do. Now this isn't some sort of enlightened, holier than thou way of looking at things. It's practical. Because work is labor. It's not a grandiose ideal. It's not a pipe dream. It's blood, sweat and tears. And that's not romantic.

This year, I learned that message the most by working on the show. We had deadlines when things needed to be turned in and those deadlines were defined by production schedules and money. The old saying goes, "It's not finished when it's done, but when it's time." Something like that. I learned how to be less precious with my work. It's a great lesson for productivity.

My friend Molly and I met up for drinks last night. She had just read Turning Pro and was enamored of its lessons. It had struck a chord in her and we talked about it at great length. It has shaped my work ethic in ways that keep me on top of things. In order to be successful, I believe, you need to produce. And film/TV production teaches you that lesson better than play production. As it goes, theatres want to do free readings, workshops and other developmental work that doesn't often lead to production. Therefore you have writers who have no experience of the rigor of production. That rigor makes you better. Forcing yourself to get something done because you're going into previews or production teaches you like nothing else can. Working in TV has made me a better playwright because I get revisions done faster. It's our natural way to want something to be good. And the pressure of making something great still exists. But in TV, it has to be great and fast. And fast is more important than great.
Slow is not an option. Slow and great means nothing.

I'm wandering around a lot here. Back to not making resolutions - I don't like to set myself up for failure. People feel that goal setting is productive and it makes you work towards something. But what happens in life is often what isn't planned, so setting a goal for something you have no control over feels like a losing battle. All you can do is work and work consistently. If you work on something enough, you get it done. It ends eventually. But looking at page count, or number of scripts written, or a number on a scale might not feel the way that the work feels. Working out feels great. Writing feels great. Saving the day's work feels great. But when I try and compare it to the weight I should be at or the pages I should have written that day or month or year, I will always be let down. However, when I go back over the year and count the number of pages I got done after I've been working, I can see that I was more productive than I realized. But if I said, I need to get three plays written this year, I put pressure on myself that feels unachievable. Yet, if I just focus on the work that day, eventually I'll get those scripts all written - and maybe even more.

I haven't done my yearly count of pages yet. But I think it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 1400-1500. And I think I've done six scripts. I didn't know I'd write two episodes of TV or that I would do a rewrite of two pilots. I didn't know that I'd have a new play done or that I'd start a new play. So that brings me to the title of this post -

I have no idea about 2017. 

I don't know what I'll accomplish or what wonderful things will happen. I know that I'm at work on January 3rd. Beyond that, I have no clue what awaits me. I'm supposed to have this pilot done soon. And I know that I'm trying to write four pilots this year - yes, I know what I said about not setting a number. But I'm have ideas for a bunch of pilots and I'm just going to start and see how far I get. I have a schedule - one each quarter. But a lot of things could happen between now and then. I have the new play to work on. As long as I'm working, I'm fine.

This year, I worked on what I called "The Year of Challenges." I was going to do a new challenge every month. And I ended up working roughly on that schedule because of work. Some months I wrote nothing. Other months I wrote two or three things. It's not important that I got a script done a month. The important thing was that I sat down to write - and I did. So that's all I can commit to. I can give myself a frame work of four pilots. And I know that beyond that I have a play or two I want to write next. I started the first play. The second play idea is there when it's time.

I have no idea about this next year because 2016 was so good about surprising me. I had no idea about the WGA or the TV gig or the theatre company or the new play or how much better the break up would make me feel.  And that worked out real well.

So…2017? Bigger? Better? More?

Who knows?

My intention is to breathe.
My intention is to keep typing.
My intention is to keep my eyes and ears open.
My intention is to grow and expand.
My intention is to question and wonder.
My intention is to be delighted.

I am grateful for the time away from LA.
I am grateful for the hook ups I've had since being in Portland.
I am grateful for sweet souls.
I am grateful for friend catch ups.
I am grateful for family catch ups.
I am grateful for love.
I am grateful for dancing nephews.
I am grateful for musician nephews.
I am grateful for smart nieces.

Where I'm Going

I've been in Portland for a few days with my brother, our mom and his family to hang and be together. I've had a lot of play time with the niece and nephews. We've danced around the house a lot and made tamales and open presents and taken silly pictures. I always feel like I recharge whenever I'm here. I'm also incredibly reflective when I'm here over the holidays. Last year, my brother and I had it out in a serious conversation. And in this past year, I've made some leaps and bounds in my career. I've also grown as a person who feels comfortable in his own skin.

And a lot of that has to do with work. I've worked a lot and learned a lot while working. So while I've grown a lot in these twelve months, I look ahead to 2017 and think about where I'm going.

I have papers to grade this week because I start work right when I get back to town. I'm probably going to be doing some work while I'm in Portland because we have some extra prep to do. I love getting back to work. I love being busy. I love having stuff to do and I love having a strict schedule. I've been very good on my own, but having the discipline of being on a show helps me a lot. I'm actually more productive with my own stuff while I'm working on shows. I don't have time to slack. Of course, I end up being exhausted beyond belief when everything's said and done. But it's where I thrive.

In January, I get back to work. I'm possibly teaching two classes and I'm producing a reading for my theatre company. I'm hitting all of the areas of my life that bring me joy and sustain me. I'm working professionally. I'm teaching professionally. And I'm working with my professional theatre company on projects.What I learned last year is that I'm fully capable of juggling projects and keeping busy. But what is it that I'm spending my time doing and what am I gaining? Those are the questions that I think about as I head into this next year of growth and expansion.

I spent 2014 and 2015 being super productive and writing a total of about 3000 pages. I spent 2016 making money. And what about the next year? I want to write and produce television. Period. I have a long term goal of directing for theatre and TV once I have a show of my own to run. And what am I doing to achieve that goal? I am directing a workshop in June. I am getting more experience writing and producing on our show. I want to parlay that into the projects I am working on myself. I have to finish my pilot I've been working on so that I can close out the year and have a fresh clean slate. This year changed me as a writer. I want to see who that writer is in the real, working, professional world. I am writing in my voice. I have a confidence I didn't have before. I know the play I wrote this year will take me places I hadn't imagined in this coming year. I don't know how that will show up. But I know that I have changed my DNA as a writer. I have changed my molecules. That has to show up - that's the way energy works.

Each year keeps getting deeper and bigger. I am more invested in myself than I ever have been. I have a level of seriousness and focus I never had. That's because I am releasing myself. I'm not slowing down and I'm not backing down. I'm not afraid of my own power. And I'm not looking to anyone to validate me. That has never been true in the course of my life. My ex boyfriend challenged me recently, "Who is THIS person showing up in a relationship?" We were talking about when I'm ready to be in a relationship again, what kind of person will I be? The answer is THIS person now. Not the person before. And that has to be the case for the rest of my life. The person showing up NOW is the person who is creating all of these opportunities. Over the summer, when I talked to the psychic at the K Spa, he said that what you do to your body has immediate effect and makes an imprint on your DNA in that moment. So if you conceive, that child born is a snapshot of that exact moment. And you can change that imprint from moment to moment. I didn't think of it this way at the time, but it's an excellent metaphor for every moment of your life. What I am doing now is affecting what I am conceiving for myself - my own perception and reality. I can change it for the better and for the worse in the moment. It's only one instant away to make it better - and to pull away from my true purpose. That's so profound because that means that you can recover from mistakes quickly. Just make the right choice. Get back on the horse. Don't keep making bad choices, choose differently.

The person I am now is going to show up throughout this year. The person who wrote that play. The person who got that job. The person who got rehired and then got a triple bump in credit. The person who joined a theatre company and started affecting change. The person who made his nephews laugh and made an impression that his niece and nephews can't stop wanting to be around him. The person who made a lasting impression on his students this semester. THAT'S the guy showing up every day. And that guy was a result of the person who had been showing up before that. So this year's going to be great because I'm going to keep going.

So where am I going? I don't know. But I know that I'm progressing. I know that this next year will be one of growth, progress and expansion. It will be on of learning. And I will continue creating work that means something to me and that will result in more opportunities because that's what feels right instinctively.

My intention is expansion.
My intention is trust.
My intention is happiness.
My intention is to work.
My intention is more.
My intention is adventure.

I am grateful for a week off.
I am grateful for a change of location.
I am grateful for my teas.
I am grateful for a new running sweatshirt.
I am grateful for hugs.
I am grateful for moments with the three munchkins who remind me to be open.
I am grateful for sweet, small memories.
I am grateful for strong friendships with people who live far away.
I am grateful for hope.

Where I've Been

I'm rushing around before I leave town tomorrow for nine days in Portland with my brother and his family for the Christmas/Hannukah holiday extravaganza. When I got my haircut yesterday, I started to get a scratch in my throat! Fuck! Don't tell me I'm getting sick! I had to go to the local supermarket to get some Odwalla C-Monsters and some OJ. I'm also taking my zinc like a mad man. Well, I am shopping when I run into a woman who looks familiar. Blond, older, very pretty. We pass each other. Then we both look back.

I ask her, "Is your name, Mary?"
I told her my name and she smiled. This woman was active in the family ministry in my childhood parish. She remembered me and my family. We talked about my Dad and what a sweet guy he was. I always laugh when people say what I sweet guy my Dad was because he was very tough and not really the nicest guy. I laugh because I'm becoming my Dad. I have great affection and love for my friends. But I'm a tough cookie. That's my father's legacy.

This week, my manager had to negotiate my deal to go back on the show. We didn't get everything we wanted. But I got a major title bump, which will help me for future negotiations. I had to give up a teaching gig because of the show. And I'm waiting to find out if I'll be teaching at all next term. But I have learned to fight for what I want - and that's my Dad. My Dad's voice is the one that says, don't stop fighting and fuck 'em if they don't give you what you want. My Mom's voice is the one that makes sure the work gets done. My Dad talked a big game and my Mom delivered and persevered. I need both. Mom never believed she could do everything she could do. And Dad didn't follow through on his potential, but he thought he knew everything. And you need that in this business. Whether or not it's true, you have to believe that you know everything.

So back to Mary in the supermarket - we had a nice interaction. I saw her husband and I met their youngest son, who was a baby when I was in high school, so I never knew him. Apparently, he went to Harvard (according to my brother). I got a bit of the Ivy League vibe from him. I'm used to it. I'm friends with a lot of smart people and a lot of Ivy Leaguers, actually. When I got home, I kept replaying that scene in my mind of walking up to Mary and introducing myself. I realize that it does feel good to see people who knew you when you were a kid and to feel like you've done something with your life. Not that I live my life for others - my Dad taught me not to do that. But it helped me reflect on this past year.

I had dinner with a bunch of friends last night. Our waitress asked my friend Cory and I about our group because we seemed to have a good energy. He told her that we were all playwrights and good friends. Most of us are working in television/film as well. It was great to be with a group of people, who I'm connected to, but who are also connected to each other in other ways. Everyone at that table had a long history with each other - and our collective successes are a result of a lot of hard work. And none of that success happened for any of us in our 20s - and for some of us not even in our 30s. It was such a reminder of what happens when you stick to what you love doing and when you find a way to make money to continue doing what you love. I looked around that table and saw successful, happy people doing all sorts of great creative things. Some of us teach and some of us work for big franchises and some of us have development deals and some of us work for streaming and others work on network shows. We're all good people and we're all of the theatre. Something about sitting at that table made me feel like I had comrades. It made me feel like there's a seat for me at the table if this is the company I'm surrounded by. That was a nice way to end the year.

This has been an incredible year professionally for me. Last year at this time, I was dead broke, hoping that I could stretch my finances into the early part of the year when I would be then getting paid. I knew I had a teaching gig lined up. But I didn't have anything else. I did not know what the year was going to offer me and I just went into the new year with an open heart. Now I know that was the right approach because the Universe dreamt a bigger dream than I could for myself. I didn't hitch all of my hopes and dreams on one opportunity. At that point, I did know that the show was a possibility. But even then I was told not to get my hopes up. So I didn't.

I want to remember that for this next year. A lot of great things happened and I'm walking into the new year with a job. By the time I reach my next birthday in February, I will have had two TV jobs and gone from Staff Writer to Co-Producer. This birth year was the year I got my first TV gig and became a Co-Producer. Holy shit! I wrote the best play I've ever written this year as well. And it might be the play that defines this next period of my career. If I've learned anything over the past two years, it's that you can't predict what hits or doesn't hit. But that play has an authenticity in its voice that is so me. It's loud and it's insistent and it's annoying. It doesn't let go. The good thing is that I've kind of forgotten about it for the time being because nothing's happening with it right now. The play is in an incubatory period because it is being read by a bunch of places. The psychic I met at the Korean Spa in June said that my pilot was the thing that was going to make everything happen for me. I actually think he was talking about the play. That play's got a lot of energy. The pilot was what we talked about, but I was also working on the play at the time. If he's right, that means that 2017 is going to be crazier and busier than 2016. I already had to let go of one job for other things to happen. I might be letting go of my other teaching job as well. I don't want anything to hold me back and if those two classes are sandbags and I need to go higher into the stratosphere, then I'm ready to cut the rope.

My intention is love.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is growth.
My intention is celebration.
My intention is work.
My intention is magic and intuition.
My intention is 11.

I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for colleagues.
I am grateful for compadres.
I am grateful for community.
I am grateful for possibility.

Push It

I had to give up the third teaching job because it was going to be too hard on the students to have me be out for the first five weeks of the term. I get that. But I wanted to make it work. Here's the good news: the school still wants me. They like me and they were incredibly impressed. I went into the interview knowing there was a possibility that our show was coming back soon. But I went in there and made a positive impression. I pushed it. But if I hadn't, I would have not even applied for the job because there was no possibility. They wouldn't have gotten to know me. And then I wouldn't be the writer who couldn't take the job because he had an actual writing gig. That makes me more attractive to them - and it keeps that possibility alive.

Still waiting to hear from my other teaching gig to see if there's something we're going to be able to make work. I'm going to let that work itself out.

Throughout this whole process, I've been hesitant in thinking that I could take all of this on. All of my friends said to go for it. They said to "push it." So I did. And I'm glad I have, even if I'm not about to do EVERYTHING (It would be great to). But that means there are other opportunities down the road that I need to be free for. I absolutely believe that.

My manager has been negotiating my new deal for the show. He's pushing it. Because that's what we should be doing. I'm worth it. This show has catapulted me into a position where I can jump on a cable or broadcast show at a higher level, surpassing the dreaded cycle of the diversity writer having to be a staff writer over and over again. It's a problem that's unique to those of us who count as "diverse." My manager said in an email that he doesn't push for a bump in position unless he's certain that writer can over deliver. That's my middle name. I'm all about over delivering. I love to work. I love to push it. 

If you're not pushing, you're not growing. It's about not settling for what people say they can get you or for what they think you're worth. You have to know your worth. And that's what it comes down to. WORTH. All of this is an exercise in making sure I know what my worth is. It's a great exercise. I spent so much time undervaluing myself. I'm not doing that any more. So I've got a manager that's fighting to get me what I deserve. And he isn't going to get everything, but he's getting a lot. And that will parlay itself into further opportunities. That's the plan. 

My intention is expansion.

My intention is self worth.

My intention is deep understanding of myself.

My intention is value.

My intention is self love.

I am grateful for people working on my behalf.

I am grateful to know how to direct those people.

I am grateful for my upcoming break.

I am grateful for deep, caring friendships.

I am grateful for honesty.