A Peaceful World

I have been doing the Oprah/Deepak 21 Day meditation challenge on the Law of Attraction. 

Today is Day 21.

And I got asked a question.

What would a peaceful world look like?

Here is my answer:

A peaceful world would be full of smiles.
A peaceful world would be happier and calm.
It would be quieter.
It would be playful.
It would be so much fun.
It would be laughter.
A peaceful world would be one where people would constantly hear each other and address one another by looking them in the eye.
We would be at peace because we would accept each other for who we are.
We would see each other truly.
We would speak our truth unfiltered, but kindly.
We would understand the other person and would feel understood.
A peaceful world would be cleaner.
A peaceful world would be less competitive.
A peaceful world would be musical.
A peaceful world would be creative and full of color.
A peaceful world would have clear skies.
In a peaceful world people would hug a lot and kiss a lot.
In a peaceful world we would talk to our children lovingly in the way that we wanted to be talked to as children.
In a peaceful world people would drive less.
We would do a lot of yoga.
We would go to the gym less.
We would walk more.
We would run freely.
Our faces would be more relaxed.
Our breath would be fresh.
We would eat unprocessed foods and live off the land.
We would be in harmony with our animals.
In a peaceful world we would be exposed and open to the feel of our hearts, of the sun's light on us, of the salt water on the beach, the cool air in the mountains and list mist of early morning.
In a peaceful world, we would just be.
And that would be enough.

I am grateful for completing my 21 Day Meditation Challenge.
I am grateful for Oprah and Deepak.
I am grateful for the time it took to do this challenge.
I am grateful for challenges.
I am grateful for peaceful moments.
I am grateful for what I know now.

Fuck Rejection

I reject rejection.

None of it matters. Anyone can say anything. Anyone can have an opinion.  But they don't get it. They're stupid. I know what it takes to do what I do and how much work goes into it. I know how much I study my craft. I know how good I've gotten just in the past year writing five scripts. I can't help but to get better.

So if people don't like what I do, then they're closed minded in terms of the type of work that should be out in the universe. I feel like I'm seeing the same play over and over and over again. I have some favorite writers who are friends of mine. But the majority of what I'm seeing doesn't make sense to me. It seems myopic and privileged and self-congratulatory.

And yes, those are sour grapes to a degree. Everyone wants to be loved.

But also I know what I have to offer. And I have to pat myself on the back every once in a while. I have to take care of myself and self validate. I have an interest in doing certain work and I have a love for what I do.

Shit gets me down all of the time. But that doesn't stop me. I know that Resistance is a strong force that only gets stronger the closer I get to something happening. I'm not going to let it.

I had my down time.

Fuck rejection. Game on.

I am grateful for the highs and the lows.
I am grateful for grace under pressure.
I am grateful for books that motivate me.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.

Doubts

As much as I need rest, it's never a good thing when I'm not writing. I stop feeling productive and I'm full of self doubt. Right now I feel adrift. I've been resting, spending time with family and kind of researching the next thing. Yes, I should rest a bit because I have had such massive output over the past nine months. But I'm never good with any of that.

I've been watching a bunch of documentaries, The Fashion Fund, Olive Kitteridge, Foo Fighters: Sonic Highways, Nashville, Blackish, Le Bare and other fun things. But I really want to feel productive. I am not doing well just waiting around.

I got notes on my new pilot from a woman I might be doing a bit of a dance with in terms of representation. Maybe. The notes were good, but I now feel like I need to get feedback from a few more people to get some consensus and then start working on a rewrite.

But I do need to remember that I have taken a month off in each quarter to rest and recoup. January was like that for me. So was April. And part of July. So if part of November is not this sort of uber productive time, then so be it. I need the rest.

I just hate having all of these doubts.

I've been meditating to clear my head, but even that has gotten obsessive.

I'm not relaxed.

I am grateful for this regrouping period.
I am grateful for the anxiety.
I am grateful for the time to recharge.

Create Again

I've spent the past two weeks not creating. But reading and watching people create. I'm half way through the Norman Lear autobiography, Even This I Get to Experience. And I read the Betty Halbreich autobiography, I'll Drink to That. Betty's the woman who has been the head of the personal shopping department at Bergdorf Goodman for over 40 years. Then I've been watching the Foo Fighters Sonic Highways docuseries. And the Fashion Fund.

I decided that I was going to not do anything. All year I had this thing about going to work. I have been going in 30-40 hours a week for five months straight. Plus before that I had dedicated myself to getting work done on a regular basis. I don't have a regular job right now and I just jumped in with both feet. Something magical happened that allowed me to sustain myself and travel a bit and also have a home base where I could write. It just started with me dedicating myself to writing again full time. I never stopped writing, really. But it wasn't the focus of my life. First it was Dad getting sick and dying. Then it was getting through that and making the mourning my main focus. Then it was coming out of that and finally re-committing myself to writing full time as a career.

This year I started, in January. Planning to write a play. Then writing it in February. Then really hitting a stride and deciding to write a new pilot in March. Writing the bible in a week. Then the pilot in a week. Then finding out I could submit it somewhere. Then making some money to live for while. Then needing to write three things in a month and taking off. Then an office becoming available. It was like the Universe was saying to me, "I know what you're trying to do. And there's no way you're going to accomplish what you're trying to accomplish without a dedicated space." It was magical. So I got some more shit done in that space. And now it's gone because it served a purpose for a short time. Now it's time to create something else.

I can't rest on the laurels of what I've accomplished this year because the real success of the year was being productive again. And being productive on a level that I was productive when I didn't know any better. Then I started comparing myself to EVERYBODY and I lost that drive. I worked hard and got somewhere. I got to NYU. And the big lesson of NYU--and by the way, I would do it all over again because it was an amazing time and place to be studying at--was that all of a sudden I had a marker of where I was and it freaked me out. I started chasing the fruits of my labor instead of being invested in the labor. It was a big lesson. And it had to happen the way it happened.  I'm such a better person, not just a better writer after having ten years where I languished in LA.

I don't feel like I'm languishing anymore. I'm not any richer. But I don't feel like I'm directionless or lost. And that's just time and life. I remember the four years I took off between undergrad and grad school. I hadn't written much. But I became exponentially a better writer because of time and life lived.

But that's why this year was important. I cranked. People I know look at me and say, "Wow, you had an office" or "Wow you're writing a lot" or "Wow that's incredible." And it used to be hard for me to take that in. It still is in a lot of ways. But now I can acknowledge how badass that is. And I can appreciate it. I can take that in. This year was about productivity. Because that's what the business is. And that's what I've always been about. I don't take credit for the talent. I take credit for the hard work. When I got into NYU, I started to take credit for the talent because someone very important said I was good enough. The best said I was good enough. And there is always further to go. I had gotten to NYU because of hard work. I'm such a better writer now and that wasn't going to just happen by winning awards or getting accolades.

The reason the saying "You can only claim your labor, but not the fruits of your labor" is such a mantra to me--I realize now for the first time--is because that was the lesson I had to learn post NYU. It has set me free.

So here I am, five scripts later, and I'm ready to start again. That doesn't mean jump right back in to writing pages. But I've been reading and watching and resting a lot. Sleep is completely restorative and it feels good. It regenerates me. It resets my buttons.

I'm ready to create again. I can't be away from it for too long. And the work didn't even feel like work. Well, I can say that now, not having written for two weeks solid. When I'm doing it, it feels like so much work. It feels intense and incredible. It feels like UGH. But it's so necessary to my being. It nurtures my soul, but not in some sort of pansy way. I don't just daydream and romanticize about being an artist. I am an artist. But the engine that drives my art is my work ethic. I'm at it like a laborer. But my taste is artistic. My mind is creative and my hands and back are sore.

I'm ready to jump in again and get ready for the new year. I've got a fantastic new play idea that scares the shit out of me because I don't totally know how I'm going to do it yet. But that's the great thing about writing plays. I don't have to know. I start over each time. With the TV stuff, I can't start unless I know some very crucial things, namely how to make it a sustained story for several episodes a season and several seasons overall.  The screenplay this year was a total shock. A shock that I had an idea and a shock that I was able to execute it after being away from writing screenplays for ten years. But I feel that's in my arsenal now. I have a memoir I'm writing very slowly and that process excites me because I'm writing about things I have been afraid to write about.

I'm juiced and I'm jazzed.

I am grateful for all that I have learned this year.
I am grateful for all that I know.
I am grateful for knowing what kind of person I am.
I am grateful for the decisions I have made and the life I have led.
I am grateful for the ability to continue along this path.

Wholeness

Jane Fonda says that we shouldn't strive to be perfect, but strive to be whole. I think I heard that when she was on the talk show circuit a few years ago after publishing one of her memoirs. Then I heard it again when she was on Oprah's Lifeclass. It always sounded good, but I didn't know what it meant. I mean, I kind of knew what it meant: to be complete, to be integrated mind, body and soul, stuff like that. And it certainly seemed like the kind of thing one should strive for. But I don't think I totally knew what being whole entailed.

I've been meditating on the regular for the past several months and it has made an incredible difference in my life. I feel calmer and more able to handle life. I don't seem to have as much tolerance for the drama that used to inhabit my life pretty regularly. I've been incredibly productive in that time. I smile a lot more. And I just started this Oprah and Deepak 21-Day Meditation Challenge. I did one a few months ago that I really liked. And this one started going well this week. It's Week Two. Week One wasn't so great for me.

I had just finished a second draft of my new pilot. And I had planned that this would be my fifth and final script of the year. But I know how I get when I finish something. I get depressed. So I finished on a Thursday and the following Monday I was set to start the meditation challenge. I assumed that because I had given myself the gift of just focusing on writing for most of the year that I would take November and December to focus on other important matters, mainly money. I started the meditation challenge, which was about the Law of Attraction, focusing on abundance. I concentrated really hard. I kept seeing dollar signs in my head. I need money, so I started intertentionalizing.  My meditations felt really empty. They weren't satisfying. I kept looking for signs that it was working. I felt like one of those stereotypical bad comics who tap the microphone and ask, "Is this thing on?"

I wasn't feeling it, which I was fine with until I got an email from Oprah and Deepak at the end of the first week. They congratulated me for finishing the first week of the challenge. Then they talked about all of these things I should be feeling. I wasn't feeling any of them: hope, light, insight, etc. I was just feeling empty. And now I was also feeling like a failure. The two deities of new age spirituality told me I should be tingling and I am coming up short. But maybe it would kick in soon.

The first week was all about desire. So I closed my eyes, focused hard on my breathing, said the mantra a thousand times and waited for all of the good things to suddenly appear. I was forcing it. I was getting clear about what I desire. Nothing.

So I start week two ready to feel it! Then Deepak throws me a curveball and starts talking about how our deepest desire is for completeness.  Oh, that's an interesting thought. I just want to be the fullest expression of my highest self. I want to be complete. I actually already am. The goal is for the outer life to reflect the inner peace. That's completeness. That's being whole. And I don't need to do much because it already exists in me. I just need to get quiet and let the thoughts flow in and out of my head and just watch them float by. Don't hold on too tight to anything.

Then I had a thought:

When I am whole, I will get everything I desire. I don't get just a salad. Or the appetizer. Or the entree without the sides. Or dessert. When I am whole, it will be all inclusive. I'll even get a cocktail. I'm not going to cheat myself from having the experience of a full meal and the satisfaction when I finish that 15 course or 32 course or 150 course tasting menu. When you are whole, you get everything.

Ooh, I like that. I'm not on a spiritual budget. I can have as much as I want. Okay, I'm down with that idea. I really am.

I am grateful for the time it takes to arrive.
I am grateful for the new Norman Lear book I am going to read before bed.
I am grateful for what a joy it is to be me right now.
I am grateful for productivity.
I am grateful to be refilling my tank.
I am grateful for all I know.

Writing a TV Pilot

This is the last in a series of three blog posts that are based on a class I was asked to attend for a friend of mine at New York Film Academy on playwriting versus screenwriting versus TV writing. This isn't an excerpt from a lecture that I'll be giving, but more of a riff on the subject. I wanted to jot down some notes to get me thinking about what I could possibly say about how I approach writing TV pilots. Go back and read my blogs about playwriting and screenwriting. It has been fun to go back and think about why I write in a certain medium and what motivates me to write in that format.

So here it goes…

Writing a TV pilot is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. At this point in my life, I have written about ten different spec pilots. I also love writing pilots because of the kind of work that goes into them. I recently was running a TV Pilot Writing Challenge for my playwrights group where we had to write pilots in a month. But even before that, I had advised the participants to do their prep work in September, so that by October they would be ready to write the pilot itself. TV Writing isn't like any other writing because you really can't just write your way into it effectively.

With TV pilots the first thing that one should consider is the world of the show. Like I've said about playwriting and screenwriting, the subject matter isn't necessarily what differentiates between TV, Film and Theatre. There are love stories that work on TV, ones that work on film and others that work on stage. The difference is in how a story is told. I love the idea of telling stories that follow the lives of characters over time. What kind of stories can be told in a year, two years, five years? That's what a writer has to consider in writing a TV pilot and I think that concept can be a hard one to grasp.

So I can't even start thinking about a TV pilot until I've figured out what the engine of the show is. And what I mean by that is that I need to know why someone would watch a show about these characters in that particular world for years down the line. Recently, I was getting ready to write a pilot for the writing challenge and I had one particular idea. I had a provocative world where it would be set. I had characters that I came up with. I even had a common motif that bound them together. But what I didn't have was the show. I didn't know what the week-to-week was. I didn't know why we would be watching these characters and what their stories would be. I didn't know what made it a TV show.

Instead, I wrote something where I knew what the structure for each season was and how it would feel like a proper TV show. Otherwise, it's just a short film, a close-ended story. TV stories need to have arcs and need to show the characters growing over time.

In writing TV, it's very clear what's a TV idea and what's not a TV idea. I have to see the week-to-week. Every story has a world we're inhabiting and the rules of that world. Every story has interesting compelling characters and a story. But for me, plays have to take into consideration the fact that they're live. Screenplays can utilize locations and can be more visual in their storytelling. They aren't reliant on language and dialogue to communicate story. And TV, while it can be cinematic and visual, tells us the story of characters over time and needs some sort of hook that will keep us watching week to week or binge watching.

I did a little exercise for myself when my friend asked me to speak to his class. I went and looked at the first ten pages of a play, a screenplay and a TV pilot to see how I laid out story. And I noticed that in all three, there was something of an inciting incident in each one. The story gets started pretty quickly even in the play. But I noticed especially in the screenplay, I had hit all the marks. I introduced the two main characters in the very beginning and we understand the problem our protagonist will face at the very beginning. By page 10, it's clear where things are going. In the TV pilot, it's the teaser.

The teaser is what introduces you to the world, to the characters and to the premise of the show. If you can't get the premise of the show (not the pilot) in that teaser or better yet, in the first three pages of your script, then it's kind of done. Executives read tons of pilots and I can speak from experience, if I don't know what your show is going to be about and who's driving the bus by page 3, I'm out. I am not required to read beyond that. I will put it down. Most people will give you by page 10 or the end of that teaser or first act if that first act is short. You don't have time to meander.

But it was interesting to look at the first ten because for any type of dramatic writing, you only get ten pages. Play submissions sometimes are ten pages of a script. And if that first ten doesn't hook you and introduce what we're going to be looking at, then forget about it. A play can do it in different ways, it can entice you in various ways. But with a screenplay, there's a very specific format. And in a TV pilot, not only do I need to know what this story is about, I need to know what the show is going to be. It's almost like there are more format requirements in writing a TV script than in anything else.

But like I said earlier, it's not the subject matter per se that changes or effects whether I write TV, film or theatre. It's how the story is going to be told and how the story can benefit from or be amplified by being told in a specific medium.

Wow, I guess I have learned a thing or two by doing all the writing I've been doing.

Writing a Screenplay

This is the second in a series of three blog posts that are based on a class I was asked to attend for a friend of mine at New York Film Academy on playwriting versus screenwriting versus TV writing. This isn't an excerpt from a lecture that I'll be giving, but more of a riff on the subject. I wanted to jot down some notes to get me thinking about what I could possibly say about how I approach writing screenplays. I already wrote about playwriting and the next subject is TV writing. I feel I'm discovering a little bit about my process through writing about it.

So here it goes.  Round Two…

I haven't written many full length screenplays in my life. It's probably the form of dramatic writing I'm least familiar with. And when I sat down to work on this latest screenplay, I was worried that I had forgotten how to do it. Fortunately, I have been writing TV pilots so I understood the kind of structure that needed to happen. And I was about to write more visually because I have added some visual elements to my TV pilots.

What makes something a film versus something else?

I'm not the action writing type. So explosions are one way to differentiate oneself. The screenplay I wrote is really a coming of age story and it referenced other films. So I guess that's why it seemed more adaptable to a screenplay. But for me, screenplays rely the least on dialogue. It really is about the action and the visual. Although I love talky movies too.

Screenplays are close-ended stories that are more visual. Maybe that's my answer. With screenplays, things need to happen at certain markers. Act One is pages 1-30 (maybe 1-20ish if you're writing a 90 minute movie). Act Two is 31-90. And Act Three is 91-120. No one I know really writes 120 page screenplays. There's a lot of talk about the inciding incident, the event that kicks off the film. Act One is the set up and the build up to the premise of the film. Act Two is where things get wicked complicated and the winner almost loses. And Act Three is the redemption or resolution.  Plays aren't structured that way in the modern sense.  And with TV, there's a greater story you're telling.

I suppose screenplays can be bigger in scope. Although this screenplay I just finished wasn't. But it didn't necessarily feel like a continuing story either.  But I had a clear story I wanted to tell with a set beginning, middle and end. I suppose I felt that this story was best told in a visual way because it referenced other films. I do have to say that I enjoyed writing this screenplay, which ended up being 94 pages. The story and plot seem to be king in screenplays. Everything moves swiftly and sometimes there are scenes that play without words and are told purely visually.

I have to say that when I looked back at the first ten pages of this screenplay, instinctually, it really hit those marks of introducing my characters and the central question of the piece.  There was an event that set everything off and running. And even with going further and figuring out the event that sets Act One into Act Two, it seemed like everything hit its mark.

I do outline with screenplays and with TV shows as well. I felt like I had a good story that could be told with many characters. Plays seem to be a little more self contained. The last three plays I wrote had either 3 or 4 actors. But for me, the visual aspect of screenwriting is the most fun. It's great to tell a story through visuals instead of through language.  I like to imagine certain shots and  try to write in a way that's aware of what's being seen and less about what's being said. But again, I'm a fan of Woody Allen's films and Richard Linklater's films as well. And those can be very talky. Yet the location is just as much of a character as any of the written characters are.

Maybe that's the difference.

Writing a Play

This is the first in a series of three blog posts that are based on a class I was asked to attend for a friend of mine at New York Film Academy on playwriting versus screenwriting versus TV writing. This isn't an excerpt from a lecture that I'll be giving, but more of a riff on the subject. I wanted to jot down some notes to get me thinking about what I could possibly say about how I approach writing plays. And then I'll follow up with a little something about screenwriting and a little something about TV writing.

So here it goes…

What makes a play different from writing in another medium?

For me, it's about ritual and structure. If I'm writing something that is meant to be performed live, it has a different quality. Theatre is a live experience. That suggests some sort of interaction between the audience and what is performed on stage. There's a thrill and a danger to what's going on onstage and the audience provides that because they have real time reactions to what they are seeing. As I get older and as I've written more plays, I can say that the theatre writing I do is always informed by that interaction.

I'm writing a play right now that has a certain ritual that takes place four times during the course of the play. Each time the ritual is performed, the characters in the story have a different reaction to it. And I have given character to the audience, so each time this ritual is introduced, the audience sees it through the eyes of a different population of people. In this way, the audience is identifying with different groups of people. I couldn't really do that on film.

Whether or not something should be a play is not affected by the subject matter or the dialogue. The dialogue I write doesn't always differ that much. I am more fascinated by the things that aren't being said than the things that are. I don't write dialogue that's poetic or flowery. I write dialogue that expresses the need to articulate thought, sometimes successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully. I probably do concentrate more on what's not being said and how it's not being said. I also love non-dialogue scenes. Part of my background is in dance, so I'm not afraid to put movement in my pieces, whether it's stylized or pedestrian. I like when characters express themselves through gesture and movement. And sometimes it's about a certain identifiable dance style, which takes us back to ritual. I think that a lot of subjects cross mediums. But if I know that through structure and ritual, I can amplify the themes of the story, it usually becomes a play.

In terms of structure, that's probably what makes my plays theatrical. Again, I don't write in any sort of stylized way. But I like to choose a form or a way of telling a story that amplifies its subject. In a recent play I wrote, there were these sermons that the priest character delivers and those sermons relate to the scenes that follow. Also, I decided that I wanted to tell the play backwards because I wanted to explore the idea of someone who has had experiences that shaped them, but I wanted to go from their most experienced to least experienced selves to amplify how life had changed them. Also, I had never written a play with a big reveal in the middle, at the end of the first act. So I ended up doing that in the play as well. It changes the way we see these characters and almost makes them different characters once you get into Act Two and are aware of that reveal. I don't know if the story would be as successful had it been told as a screenplay or a TV show.

Also, when I write a play, it's more contained and more concentrated. I feel like I can explore a subject matter more fully and in a more focused way in a play or screenplay. TV shows are a bit more open ended (we'll get to that soon). Plays allow me to be more playful in a way. And they change from play to play. The rules are different. Screenwriting and TV writing are so structured in terms of the way they're told. They meet a certain expectation. They are static in a way that plays are not static. In a play, I can make up a structure that works for that particular play because the audience is prepared to have a different experience. Not all plays look the same. Some are one acts, some are two acts with an intermission.

When I have an idea for a play, it is usually in my head for awhile. The new play I'm researching I have been thinking about since February. Then I jot down certain things I'd like to have happen. I also don't outline my plays per se.  If I'm working with a complicated structure, then I might organize the story lines to see where they intersect. But in a certain way, a play should feel less fixed. It should feel alive. Because it is live.

The Reboot

I am in bed with my legs stretched out in a pair of gym shorts with a hoodie on. It feels good to recline. I have been sitting up at my own desk for the past five months straight. And I have been sitting up right at a desk in a library for the other five months. So to be here at home alone is a luxury.

I have nowhere to be.
I slept eight hours last night, even gained an hour with the time change and fell asleep for another couple of hours.
It is past 3:30 and all I have done today is eat, poop and watch TV.
I feel like a kid again.
Or, better yet, I feel reborn.

Of course, I know myself and it won't be long until I give myself a project to do.
I actually have plenty of things to do.
But not today.
I am drinking black tea, which is a luxury for me, since I don't do caffeine really.
Then I think I will have some marionberry pie ice cream from Tillamook dairy.
And hopefully, I will get to spend some time in quiet reflection.
Maybe the gym. But that might be too much work for today.

It is Sunday, the day of rest.
And I have not really had much real rest most of this year.

My boyfriend won't be home until 10 or 11 tonight.
That is so awesome.
I love him. But it's so nice to have some time to myself.

I don't have to deal with anyone today.
I can just think about what's next.
And not really think too hard about it.
Just rest. And reflect.

So I'm sure any of the answers I'm looking for in terms of what is ahead for me will come.

It's just nice to have a bit of a reboot every once in a while,
instead of just getting on the hamster wheel and not stopping.

I am grateful for quiet time.
I am grateful for free time.
I am grateful for reflective time.
I am grateful for my time.

The Art of Teaching/The Art of Learning

I have been thinking about teaching a lot lately.
I was just in San Diego filling in for two weeks for a friend of mine who was teaching two Screenwriting classes, one for undergraduates and one for grad students.
I had a great time, as I always do when I'm teaching.
I passed on some good information, I thought. And I had them laughing with me.
They seemed to be interested.
And I think they wanted me back.

I'm comfortable in front of students.
I really enjoy it.
It's community and I love sitting around and talking about writing.

Recently I took on the responsibility of organizing a month-long challenge for the Playwrights Union where we wrote either a pilot or a screenplay in a month.
The Challenge just ended, but it was great to know that there were 16 other writers
who were working on their projects at the same time I was.
We even got together to talk out our ideas a bit and get some feedback.
I didn't consider that teaching,
those writers are of considerable talent and experience.
But I love being around writers and talking about writing.

Part of me feels like it would be great to be in front of a classroom
of students again.
And part of me really thinks that my desire is to be around a group of writers,
pounding out story.
I have spent the past five months in an office, practically by myself,
writing script after script after script.
It has been glorious.
But I would really like to be around people again.
Being social would be a good thing.
And being social at work would be a great thing.

But I love teaching.
Yet, I want to learn.
I have so much to learn.
And I want to be in a position where I am learning,
so I can go back and teach better at some point.
But at some point.
Maybe not now.

I am grateful for my experience.
I am grateful for taking time to rest.
I am grateful for cold, rainy Saturday nights.