A Practice

I don't remember how long ago I decided that writing was going to be the thing I spent most of my time doing.

Years ago, I was toiling away in an entertainment office, working for a manager, making appointments for other people - for a life I wanted to be living. I was bitter. I was frustrated. I was in a relationship with someone that was so distracting that it kept me from thinking about how unhappy I was. I wrote occasionally - when I could, when I wasn't too exhausted from my day job.

I had made a decision that I was going to write plays because I needed to write things for myself. So I wrote a play. Then I wrote another. Then I wrote another. I wrote three plays in about a nine month period. I don't know what happened to those plays. I never showed them to anyone. They were efforts. But they weren't plays I would ever be proud of. They're not plays I have a desire to go back to. But they helped me purge something.

Then I went on a spiritual journey. I started a new play. I think that was the play that awakened me. I started writing it. Then I broke up with a boyfriend. When I decided to pick it up and set up a workshop for myself, I was dealing with a Dad who had gotten sick. That play was wonderful. It didn't go anywhere. It had a reading and some development. But nothing beyond that. Then I ended up joining the Playwrights Union. This might have been when Dad was already sick. I wrote my first play in their playwriting challenge. It was fine.

I started spending more time devoted to writing. I wasn't working at the time. But I was making time for it and I had an office, so I was making space for it as well. I think it was during this time that I wrote another play during the playwriting challenge two years later. That play just had a third reading last month. During the time I had the office, I had an idea for a new play. I wouldn't work on it until last year. But during the year I had the office, I wrote five new things. Then last year, I wrote three new things, but mainly a new play. By this time, the writing had become a practice. I was devoting real time to getting work done. I wasn't squeezing it in between things. I had the courage finally to dedicate myself to my work. I foolishly decided not to pursue getting a "real job." I kept writing. I knew it is what I had to do. I ended up losing a relationship over my dedication to myself. But as Steven Pressfield says in "Turning Pro", when you turn pro everything changes. You lose friends. That happened. You lose partners. That happened too. Your family might even change in how they treat you. That happened big time. No one thought me just writing every day was a good idea. At times, I wondered the same thing. I almost moved to Portland to be a literary manager. Thank God I didn't get that job. I must have been too much myself. It wasn't the right time.

Now I realize that having a daily writing practice ruined everything. My life is nothing like it was six months ago. That happened when I went through the previous break up. My life resembles nothing from my past life. I'm single. I'm getting paid as a writer. I was right to devote all of myself, at the expense of my last relationships. I knew it. I knew that if I devoted myself, he would stay or go. It was either going to attract him or repel him. And out the door it went.

But my practice has brought me here. I have a pitch I'm preparing for later this week. I'm up at midnight writing. I'm taking care of myself. I've changed my appearance to reflect who I want to be. I've got long hair. I've got clothes I'm totally into. I'm not trying to be anything for anybody other than myself. The ex-boyfriend and I were not a good fit because he wasn't in love with everything I had to offer. The more I was myself, the more it repelled him. And now I find myself missing him. That's because the heart is healing.

Now I spend all of my time writing. But I've been making a living writing. So I can take care of myself and still write. I've realized the difference between writing for someone else and writing for myself. And I know that I need both of those in my life. Maybe I don't get compensated financially for my theatre writing. But it keeps me observant in the world and it lets me express my own, personal, unique voice. That's an investment that's worth it. I need to invest in myself and in my stories. I'm trying to do that. I think I'm succeeding.

I am grateful for the end of the day.
I am grateful that I worked hard today.
I am grateful that I supported friends.
I am grateful to have a roof over my head.
I am grateful for have a future.