June Loom

As in, things are looming over me this month -

I know that I've got a couple of trips scheduled this month. So as of June 17th, I'm in vacation mode. I'll be doing work while I'm gone because that's what I always do. But I'll be in a different mindset.

I put a lot of pressure on myself and I struggle sometimes with whether or not that's completely necessary. I don't know how to operate in life without pushing myself. And I know the reality of the film and TV business is that there's tons of outside pressure. So pressure is just something I have to get used to. It's unavoidable.

So what do I do to counteract that, since I can't avoid it?

Be really nice to myself. It's a constant daily reminder. Usually, the way I'm nice to myself is that I feed myself when I'm feeling bad. I started Whole 30 last month as a way to look at my eating habits. And so far - two weeks in - I've learned that I crave food when I'm feeling low. I'm eating a ton of red meat right now, which makes me a little uncomfortable and worried for my arteries. But what is good is that I'm feeling satisfied at the end of every meal. But I have to take a hard look at the role food plays in my life.

What does that have to do with counteracting pressure? I'm not sure. But I'm trying to be good to myself. I'm trying not to be curmudgeonly. I see friends. I take breaks. I try to know what I can get done in a certain amount of time. And I stress less. That really helps take the pressure off. Just get your shit done and don't worry about it.

I have friends who huff and puff when they have a deadline. Listen, I understand the huffery and the puffery. I don't mean to be disrespectful of that. But while that's happening, there's time to get shit done. I wake up early so I have more of the day available to me. I take my time in the morning. I have my tea - I don't get jittery and worked up from coffee. I have a lot of quiet time and I just start doing shit. If I am too afraid to work on the thing I'm supposed to, I'll blog. Or I'll write in a journal. I try to get myself in the mindset of writing so that I can get close enough to get sucked into the vortex. Otherwise, there are plenty of other vortexes for me to get sucked into: Facebook, Vulture, Deadline, gossip.

I love a writing date. Today, I'm meeting up with my friend Cory to get some writing done. A lot of talking will happen, but we both have shit we need to get done. So that will happen too. I have another writing date scheduled for tomorrow with Carrie. I need to figure out something for Friday - maybe, I'll take off by myself.

And I set a goal for each writing date. Today and tomorrow I have to work on a pitch. I had to put away a script I've been working on because the production company wants to hear something on Friday. Okay, I've been working on getting closer to the pitch over the past few weeks. And now, it seems like they really want to hear my full take. We met last week about it, but I haven't been able to do any work on it because I've been waiting for notes and I had to finish a script for the show I'm working on with them. Now that I'm done with that, I can move on. I can't kill myself with worry over this stuff until I know what my deadline is. I asked for one and got one: Friday. Okay. Let's make it to Friday.

I'm too busy to freak out. I have enough on my plate where I the anxiety takes up too much space. It's like bread at Thanksgiving or soda. It's empty calories. Where did I get such an enlightened point of view? Necessity. It's not life or death. Also, keeping busy keeps the depression at bay. It's true. When I'm not busy, I get bummed out. I suppose that's the sign of an actual practice. When I'm not doing it, I'm not happy. So that forces me to do it. It wasn't always this way. But because I have dedicated myself to writing, I've created a need. I'm a wreck when I'm not doing it - even when I have to take a break from it and give my brain a rest. That's not easy for me.

So as these things are looming on the horizon for me, I need to remember to take a breath and just dive in. Don't worry about it.

I am grateful for writing dates.
I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for Wednesdays.