When I embarked on a journey to change my creative habits two years ago, I decided I was going to show myself more compassion. I would often say that I wanted to be more "kind to myself." And that mantra still stands. I believe that compassion and understanding - especially for oneself - does a lot more to further the cause than beating myself down. And when you can find compassion for yourself, you can usually find it for other people as well.
Also with that - and maybe a deeper version of that - is about forgiving yourself. This week, I had a big plan of all the things I wanted to get done before I head out of town for the weekend. I'm rewarding myself with a trip to Sonoma to visit my friend Bill. I am rewarding myself with a relaxing weekend in wine country with friends. I just finished a Whole 30 cycle - where I eliminated dairy, grains, sugars, legumes, alcohol and processed food from my diet. So I am rewarding myself with some lax food rules. The weather is supposed to be glorious this weekend and it's supposed to be a great time. I will be with people I love and who love me. I will be single for the first time in five years at one of these parties. Maybe the first time in ten years, if you count the relationship that preceded this one.
The expectation I placed on myself to get a ton of work done before this trip was enormous. And for the most part, I did not meet any of those expectations. I didn't finish my pilot that I wanted to finish. And the pitch I've been working on, I'm still working on. It's not that I have done no work on either project, but I had an idea of what I wanted to get done. And the part of me that likes to lay down hard on myself feels like a failure.
Here's where I press the "pause" button and check in with how I'm feeling. The truth of the matter is that I have been watching TV shows that are about the subjects I'm writing about. I've been listening to countless podcasts about TV staffs and showrunning. I have been paying close attention to the presidential race. I have been taking care of myself through this Whole 30. The truth is that I have been productive. I am aware of some of my fear in trying to get these projects finished. And I'm kind to myself about the amount of time it is taking - which, for the record, is not a lot. My idea of how productive I should be far exceeds what I can realistically get done. My thesis behind that is that if I push to get too much done, then I get more done than I would if I was just nice to myself. That theory gets me in trouble because it makes me feel bad and it shames me. Sometimes it shames me into working harder, which is always a good thing. And sometimes it shames me into submitting to my fears. I can head down that shame spiral or I can forgive myself. It's easier to just forgive myself and let myself off the hook.
The truth is that I have been working my ass off. I had a conversation with someone last week about nutrition and how the body craves certain foods. This person said to me that the body knows what it wants. It tells you. My body has been telling me all week that it wants rest. It wants to be quiet and still and it doesn't want to write. It still wants to take in information. It still wants to engage in the world, but it doesn't want to be pushed into "banging out a script."
What I know from experience is that I still will get a massive amount of work done. Why? Because I have stopped worrying about it. Worrying takes up so much time that before I know it, I have binged on it and wasted a bunch of time. Worrying is empty calories. If I'm kind to my system, if I forgive myself for not being as productive as I thought I would be, then I move on and can be productive the next day. If I let myself give into the shame, then what happens is that I give up. I needed a break. I needed to relax a bit. I needed to be good to myself.
And now that I've done all of that, I'm ready to pack my bags and take off to Sonoma this weekend, basking in the sunshine and absorbing the good vibes from my friends up in the Bay Area. I'll make time to get work done. But I'm not going to force it. I'll get where I want to get. I'm not worried. I need to take care of myself right now so I can be ready for the next wave of work to come in the second half of the year. This is necessary relax and recoup time because I might not have the choice in the months to come. And if I don't have that choice and I'm working constantly, then I'm going to embrace that as well.
I am grateful for my friend Bill for inviting me to come up to his house this weekend.
I am grateful for the group of gay male friends that Bill has made me a part of, even from LA.
I am grateful for the community and commraderie I'll be experiencing this weekend.
I am grateful for the love from my friends down here.
I am grateful for the work my theatre company is doing.
I am grateful for openness people have shown me.
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