Keep Going

Life is full. This year has been full of so many exciting things. It's easy to look at everything and think, "Oh, I can give myself a break." And maybe I should take a break. The good thing and the bad thing about me is that I'm bad at taking breaks. I don't handle them well. I get depressed. I get distracted by other things and frankly, I get really horny. I want to fuck everything. Russell Simmons once said that sex was the last thing he needed to conquer. And maybe some Buddhist priest conferred that he had the same issue. So I'm in good company. I'm enlightened with a constant hard on.

But that boner distracts me from getting work done. I'd rather look for sex rather than get stuff done. I need to keep going. I have great stamina and energy level these days. As Pressfield says in his book, The War of Art, Resistance is like a compass. When we are feeling heavy Resistance we know that it's perfectly commiserate with how important something is and how much love we have for it. That's why Resistance is using all of its top generals to keep us from getting shit done. I know that when I'm so easily distracted that I have something important I need to get done.

Even this blog is a bit of a distraction because I have a pilot rewrite I need to do. But I also feel like I would rather be writing and getting thoughts down than masturbating or watching countless RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars 2 videos. At least this feels like I'm processing my thoughts. Maybe that's also Rationalization, another of Resistance's generals. The important thing is to keep going. I don't have to take breaks - it's true that I'm not super human. But if I've got sexual energy driving me in a direction, that also means that I've got enough energy to keep going and I don't need a break right now.

Moving forward also keeps me from thinking about the things that are outside of my control. I can't control the fact that my manager is taking forever to get back to me about the two scripts I sent him six weeks ago. I have a rewrite waiting to happen. I also have a new play idea to flesh out. I have plenty to keep me busy before the end of the year. I guess it's a happy reminder that keeping productive is focusing on what I can control - my creative output.

I have a lot of balls in the air right now. I feel like a lot of rockets are circling, waiting for a space to land. The psychic told me a few months ago that I had a script that would make everything happen. It's hard when that script - or those scripts - are in a holding pattern with someone. Cory and I were talking today and I mentioned that I wanted to be motivated to get the script done. Maybe my motivation is that by the end of the month, I can slam a script on my manager's desk - in the proverbial sense because slamming just means sending him an email. In the time I've been waiting for his response, I sent him another script. Cory thinks that's a good idea - which I'm happy about. He agrees that it's pressure. Regardless of my manager's response, I'll have another script in the can.

I'm struggling to keep focused on the work and what's important and not the results. I had some brilliant results this year so far. My lesson is to stay the course on focusing on the work. I am completely happy with the creative and productive output I've had this year. I can't complain about two pilot script rewrites, two episodic scripts and rewrites, a new play and a new ten-minute play. I can't complain about producing theatre. I can't complain about getting years' worth of production experience in four weeks. I can't complain about teaching and getting to test drive a syllabus. I can't complain about finally joining the WGA.

Yes, I want another TV gig before I end the year out. I want another $50K+ this year. I want to look for a new place to live. I want to really pay down my student debt. I want to think about a new car. I want to travel. I want the material means to live the life I want and to solidify my paid professional writing career. The only way I know how to do that is to keep writing. I am completely happy about everything I've written this year.

In some ways it's silly that I have to remind myself every day that "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me." I have to Stuart Smiley myself every minute of every freaking day. But that's also the power of Resistance. It tries to get me to forget all of the good that is happening. That's where Gratitude comes in. Gratitude combats Resistance because Gratitude says that I acknowledge the good in my life and I value it. I don't take it for granted. I don't expect that good fortune will always be there. All I can do is to keep going and work on this pilot rewrite. Then work on putting together ideas for the new play. Then hope that more ideas will come to me.

It also appeals to a certain scrappy part of me to finish this script and send it to my manager and say, "Now what?" If I have to trick myself, then I have to trick myself.

And I want to take another trip to Vegas to get some writing done. I think that's going to be in my future soon as well. If I want to continue to have the freedom to write full time, then I need to keep going. Put this self-doubt and this self sabotage to bed and get shit done.

My intention is to continue to write full time.
My intention is to get the next script done in two weeks.
My intention is to knock shit out of the park.
My intention is to keep going.

I am grateful for The War of Art. 
I am grateful for validating friendships.
I am grateful for sincere creative partnerships.
I am grateful for knowing what I want.