My story isn't the story of the supportive family that has seen everything I've done. My friend Elizabeth had her family fly out to see her short ten minute play and as she was telling me about it, I felt like this is a regular occurrence. I'm not saying my family isn't proud. I'm not saying that my mother doesn't want to see my work. I kind of keep it away from her. Well, I tried not include her last year in a play reading I had. She ended up canceling at the last minute. I'm sure that soured me to the idea of including her.
Some of my reluctance probably has to do with PTSD from being a kid and not feeling understood. I felt like an alien in my family and eventually it just felt better to stay on my planet. But tonight, Mom came to the show. I was featured in an evening of ten-minute plays. I wasn't nervous about her seeing the show. But I think I wanted her to see something more substantial. My play's good and it's an effective, cute ten-minute play. But I know that I have another, more recent play that's much more of who I am. I didn't let her come to that reading because I was nervous. I don't think I was ready to have my Mom see something that personal.
So maybe this was the perfect introduction. My Mom said a lot of people came up to her and said she had a very talented son. It's strange, but I kind of have no reaction to that. I've got the most supportive friends. And people who really respect me. But it's honestly a little embarrassing to have people say that about me to my Mom. I don't think that's a great thing. But it just happens to be the way I react. I'm thrilled my friends have said such nice things. I wonder if it's that obvious that I need that sort of validation. Probably. I'm pretty transparent.
I'm learning to be more open with my family about my work. I've written about them, so I guess I'll have to confront my fears more directly. I've written a play about my family and that felt so exposing whenI did it. I never really pictured any of my family seeing the play. Ironically, that might be the play they see first. I guess I want my family to be proud of me. But honestly, I probably want my peers to like my work more than I want my family to. Those are the people I get nervous around.
At my last reading, it meant a lot that my peers showed up for me and were really moved. Those are the folks who I want validation from. The important part to me was that my Mom had a good time and got to meet my friends. At the end of the day, I wasn't nervous because I know my Mom loves me anyway. I know that whatever I do, she's proud of. I know she was happy to be there and happy to be there as my Mom. That's what's great about Mom's. They're going to support their kids because that's their kid doing their thing. I should be more grateful and not expect my mom to be my critic. Because it's not going to happen. I already have an inner critic. And plenty of outer critics. The question becomes:
Why do I need so much criticism? Why do I seek it out?
My intention is to silence the critics.
My intention is to be kinder to myself.
My intention is to be more grateful.
I am grateful for my Mom's support.
I am grateful for great friends.
I am grateful for the opportunities I've been given this year.
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