The War of Art: Resistance

I am writing this series of posts to talk about my relationship with the book "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield. It's a book that's supposed to help with creative blocks. When I picked it up 11 years ago, I was skeptical that a book - even one with short, easy to pick up and put down chapters - could change the lack of creativity I was feeling at the time. I didn't realize that my environment had a lot to do with it. And it wasn't until about five years later that I really got to see how much of a difference that book has made in my life. I check in at least once or twice a year with the book. I re-read it to see what new revelations I have and what lessons have started to take hold.

The book opens with a forward from Robert McKee (of Story by Robert McKee fame). When I was in grad school, he and Syd Field were the gurus of screenwriting. So if the Grand Poobah of Screenwriting is going to tout the lessons of this book, he's automatically got my intention. And McKee goes into his own struggles with procrastination. I'm already in! Yeah, I procrastinate too!

I remember when I first read the book, it felt good to have someone so seasoned struggling with the same things I'm struggling with. Now that I'm a university professor, I really try to express to my students that the struggles they're going through are the same ones I face every day. Every script feels like the first one. Every day feels like the first day you've done this. Somehow, the struggle doesn't seem to get any easier. And somehow, I still manage to torture myself. I'm currently procrastinating from starting a rewrite of a script I want to write this month. I've had a lot of student work to deal with, a trip I took to surprise my brother for his birthday, a play festival I'm producing and writing a play for - I've got a million excuses not to start the first scene of this new pilot rewrite. In addition, I'm feeling like I've written so much this year. 1400 pages. Do I really need to write more? And that's Rationalization, the sneaky henchman of Resistance. And THAT takes us to…

THE WAR OF ART

What I Do - In this section, Pressfield describes his day as a writer. Every day's like this. The success is when you do the work every day and you manage to beat Resistance. You've managed to produce despite all of the challenges, noise, thoughts, and doubts of the day.

My writing day is so much more organized than it used to be. I didn't really think that a writer had to have a specific time to write. Or that I had to etch out a space or a state of mind. I now know how wrong that is. Writing doesn't happen randomly. Some people write in spurts, true. Some people need to be so pregnant with ideas that their water has to break and a baby has to fly out of them. I discovered - as predicted by Pressfield - that I'm a creature of habit. I'm the guy who has to sit and devote myself to writing. Even if I'm not "writing" per se.

Writing is a lot of things - it's thinking, reading, napping, wandering around, jotting notes, talking through an idea, watching Netflix. If I'm dedicated, then I make everything I do about writing. That makes a lot of other things difficult (more on that later). But I have a routine and I stick to it. I don't like to be interrupted or disturbed. It's never a good idea to try and talk to me when I'm working. I'm ferocious in how I protect myself during that dedicated time.

The Unlived Life - When I first read the book for the first time, I was working the job I thought I was supposed to have - the assistant job for someone powerful that would lead to better things for me. It was a good job. I learned a lot. But it became such a safety blanket and I was so afraid to lose my connections that I stayed for a lot longer than I should. It became what Pressfield calls in his second book, Turning Pro, a shadow career. It's the career that was distracting me from the career I should be having. I no longer have an unlived life. My life is well-lived and completely thriving now. Because of this book and because of the choices I have made to put my work first.

I have given up a lot to live this life. I am single for the first time in ten years - after two relationships that did not allow me to live big and full. I'm determined to stay this way - not because I'm afraid of intimacy. But because I value and honor my gift. I have a lot I want to do and that I have to do. It's not that I can't be a good boyfriend or husband and be a good professional, but I have some things to work through before I get there. For now, it's all about the work. I live a pretty simple life. I haven't hit the TV/Film/Theatre Career Money Jackpot yet. I'm a working professional. And I'm a gifted writer. The big money is the next challenge.

Just to be clear, money is not my goal. I do the work because I love the work. I don't need the validation. But I want the emphasis on my work and gifts that money provides. It's a spotlight and it creates more work and more value. I can understand that without internalizing or personalizing that. It doesn't have any reflection on how talented, sweet, kind, loving or able I am. It's a gateway for opportunity - that's all.

BOOK ONE: Resistance - Defining the Enemy

Resistance is there whenever we're trying to get from one place to another, whenever we're trying to move to a higher plane. If we have a true pursuit or endeavor that is meant to change us - internally or externally - we face resistance. It's there to prevent us from doing our work and it's everywhere. It's the strongest when we're the closest to the thing we want to do. And it's also our compass, to let us know that the thing we're pursuing is so important and so full of our passion that we have to do it. Resistance won't be there when you decide to take the safety job. Fear dictates that Resistance - I capitalize the word to give it the respect it's due and to remind myself that I need to treat it seriously. Because it is serious - deadly serious. It shoots to kill. It wants to destroy me. And it's a sharpshooter. It's not personal and it won't stop until it gets you to stop.

Pressfield says that when you start pursuing something you really want, Resistance takes other forms. It's negative, but it's negativity that we don't instantly recognize that way. It's humility. It's loyalty. It's loneliness. We want to feel like we're apart of the tribe and if we're not, then somehow we feel like we're not making other people comfortable or happy. I've had friends who accused me of being a bad friend because I was in the pursuit of the thing I really wanted. I had a friend who accused me of stealing an opportunity away. Two years ago, I had two very important friendships disappear. These were two friendships that were important to me. But I realize that both involved commiserating. These people were happy when everyone was down in the dirty downlow with them. It felt better to be catty and bitchy about other people. Both friendships could be gossipy and nasty. When I started producing work on a serious level, all of a sudden I was disloyal or not a good friend. I don't instantly assume that people are jealous. That makes me feel like I'm being arrogant. But people are jealous of me. How do I know? Because I'm jealous of people - I'm getting over it. But I've been jealous. Nice, talented, good-hearted people can be jealous assholes too. Those two realities are not mutually exclusive. I've had family members question my choice of career. I've had them question why it's taking so long. I've had them question why I'm not giving up. That's all Resistance.

But then I found new friends, just like Pressfield said I would. I found friends who reflected my new elevated sense of myself. My newer friends were working writers, in the struggle like I am. They're talented. All of a sudden I found myself among communities of artists. My friends weren't just drinking buddies. My friends were serious artists who didn't always have time to hang out with me. But they were people who always have my back and who encourage me as much as I encourage them. Those are the friendships that sustain me. And the friendships that have always been like that are stronger than ever.

The one symptom of Resistance that's still hard to kick is procrastination. My procrastination is focused and with purpose, but some of it is still pure wasting time. And that's fine. I don't let it take me off my game. And I get back to work right away. Sex is still a big form of procrastination. I'm distracted by it a lot. Every day. I have to be very purposeful and choose to use that energy to work instead of masturbate or hook up. It's a dark part of myself I'm not proud of. It's something I've recently exposed in a play I wrote. But it's part of who I am and it's an excellent indicator of what's important to me. If I put down my pen to pick up my dick, then I know the thing that I'm supposed to be writing is pretty special and worthy of the Resistance.

But I beat it better than I ever have - procrastination, not my dick. I have written almost 4500 pages in three years. I work everyday. I could not have said that three or four years ago. There were years where I hardly wrote. I'm so much better at overcoming Resistance because I have worked at it. I have read this book. And I become more encouraged the more I overcome Resistance. Recently, Resistance has taken the form of a post-project depression I face every time I finish something big. I'm working through it, but right after I finish something, I immediately feel that I'm a huge fucking loser and horribly not productive. It's a fucking lie - but that's what Resistance is - a big fucking liar.

Because I've gotten better at overcoming Resistance, I'm not as interested in petty gossip. I'm not interested in putting other people down for doing work that I'm not in love with. I'm more patient.  That doesn't mean that I don't have opinions or that I don't think something is bad. But even in sharing an opinion, I think about whether or not I should share it. I'm all about honesty being the best policy. But I think about whether or not expressing my opinion serves a higher purpose. And if it doesn't, I keep my mouth shut. I try to keep focus on my own endeavors. The big thing is that I really am working hard at not focusing on what other people are doing or achieving. I remind myself that my journey is particular to me.

Now, it has gotten easier to do that because I've had some good things happen this year: I've gotten into the WGA, I've staffed for the first time, I've joined a theatre company, I wrote the best thing I've written so far, I've taught two courses at University. It makes it harder to not give into external validation when good things happen. But I have to remind myself to keep my focus tight and to keep working like I always have. However, because I have seen evidence that good things have happened to me, I know that not every good thing is for me. Good fortune has to be shared, so that it can multiply. My friends' successes have inspired me and I hope mine have done the same for them.

Resistance and the Choice of a Mate  - I've been notoriously bad at this. I haven't chosen well. But I had an ex say this year that he felt we needed to break up to set me free. And a month later, I got a job on a TV show. So this is the other reason I'm not choosing a mate for awhile. I need to live the fullest, biggest, deepest version of myself. I need to let the light I provide that allows others to be their best selves to shine on me. It's a very powerful light. I've seen it do wonders for other people.

Resistance and Fundamentalism - Re-reading this chapter in light of our present Presidential race, I realize that Fundamentalism arises out of fear of freedom. I am a truly free person. I conquer my challenges and I have managed to live a writer's life. Five years ago, I was working like all people have to work. I had a place to go to every day. It didn't make me happy. I wanted to be a working writer. And I have been a working writer for the past five years. I have been paid sporadically during that time, but mainly paid as a writer this year. It's that freedom that fights off the fundamentalism that has taken over our country. I realize that me living my life as an example combats this fundamentalism as well as anything these days. I have freedom of thought and expression and therefore I foster the compassion in myself towards all people. And when audiences connect with what I've written, hopefully it sparks the creativity and compassion in them.

Because I've resisted Resistance, I'm a more compassionate person. I'm less critical of other people. I used to think that being critical of others showed off how smart I am. It let people know that I know what's good and what's not. It was a pretty arrogant thought process actually. Now I'm just more patient. We all take time to find who we are. I am critical as a professor in helping my students articulate their thoughts and to help sheperd them into existence. But it is never to prove how right I am.  I'm learning that I don't need to be right. That's all about control. I was raised in that environment and I'm working to unlearn those lessons.

Resistance and Fear  - I now run into the unknown. I spend money on things that I need to spend it on. I don't worry about where the next thing is coming from. That's an absolutely anxious way to live - if you let it be that. All of that anxiety and worry comes from fear. I just don't worry.

Easier said than done. Of course. I've taken a long time to get there. But I've realized that when I make less room for anxiety, I make more room for productivity. Fear and worry is Resistance. Will it be good enough? Will people think I'm an idiot? Will this make me the famous writer I know I'm born to be? Will people finally get it? Is this my one shot? Should I quit? Answering all of those questions takes time. And the anxiety that results from those questions takes time. You know what else takes time? Writing. And writing and not worrying means that I've got a lot of time at my disposal to get things done. Again, easier said. But I don't want to live the other way anymore. It feel awful.

When I was working in the writer's room, I noticed that there were people who came in with a base level of anxiety and throughout the day that anxiety would double, then triple, then double again, then quadruple. It would grow exponentially. I'm someone who tries to limit my anxiety. And even that amount doubled, then tripled, then doubled, then quadrupled. Fear will always be there. Anxiety will always be there. Resistance will always be there. But I can choose how much I choose to believe any of it. I am so much better at it now than I was before. When things freak me out, I focus on what needs to be done. I see the huge wave coming and I just duck my head and let it pass above me instead of getting swept away and drowned by it. It doesn't last that long. Then I pop my head back up and I'm fine. I'm still standing. Better than I ever did (thanks, Elton John).

When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was famous. I thought that if people knew my name then I would know that I had done something good with my life. I realize now that those grandiose dreams - while motivating - were there to set up this expectation that if I wasn't famous, I wasn't good. I now know that's totally untrue. I actually enjoy my work for the sake of doing the work, not for the rewards. That has been a life time journey which has been aided by reading The War of Art. 

I've really gotten used to being by myself. I prefer it a lot of the time. I have found that the more I have settled into a sense of stillness, I need to be alone more. I have an event tonight and tomorrow night where I have to be on. In order to do that, I need to spend the entire day by myself, writing and reading. It's really the way I refuel. I can't just be on and available to people 24/7. I'm a writer who nobody knows. I'm not famous. And yet, I feel like a lot of my energy is being burned off by doing things. So when I have alone time, I relish it. I'm not longer afraid that if I'm alone that means I'm isolated. I'm not afraid of my thoughts and looking under the hood to see what muck I have to contend with in my life. Pressfield says that he loves being alone with his characters. I never thought about it that way, but I don't feel alone when I'm writing. I'm in this world of my own design. That's incredible - to create an imaginary world in your own head which you write on paper and then people act out and recreate on a stage or a screen. I don't prefer my imaginary life to my real life, like Pressfield suggests he does, but I enjoy the act of creation.

Resistance and Healing - I remember thinking when I got out of college that I needed to become confident in order for all of these amazing things to happen. I felt that once I could conquer that - maybe in four years - then good things would happen. Well, four years later, I did start graduate school. But the insecurity stayed with me. And it's always there. I can't get rid of it. But that doesn't mean that I need to wait to heal in order to move forward with my life's plans. I have to play hurt. And writing helps me heal. I wrote a play about my father's death and I learned things about myself while writing it. I had to write it in order to learn things that only come from introspection. But if I waited to be perfect, I'd still be waiting and not working. That also applies to feeling like I'm not a good enough writer yet to get a big job. That limiting thought kept me from things for so long. You have to work from where you're at. You only get better by doing. I know that I don't have to be the perfect writer with the perfect script in the perfect situation in order to work. I can work now. I can be a millionaire now. I don't need to work to deserve any of it. I deserve it now. That's the thought that has kept me distant from my goals for so long. That doesn't mean that I have wasted my time. Because it's not about the fruits of the labor - being, in this situation, a lesson. It's about the labor - in this case, the learning. The learning has taken the time it has taken because it needed to take that time. It was the right amount of time. I'm exactly where I need to be now. If I operate from that place, then I'll advance to where I want to be when I'm there. There's that Buddhist saying, "Be here now so you can be there then." If I'm here now, then will be here soon enough and I'm already there. Time is irrelevant.

I love having a community of people around me to boost me up. I've celebrated the joys of having Chalk Rep and the Playwrights Union - two groups I'm a part of - support me and my work. Community is important to me. But I have to be able to do my work alone and know that I have to support myself as well.  I still have to be the driver of my destiny. I can't stop working because I don't feel supported. Because sometimes the cheese does stand alone.

I've spent so much time not being productive because I've talked myself out of it. The biggest lie I've told myself is that my pursuits are selfish. Those messages have been supported by prior relationships as well. I should be making more money. I should be doing something more adult with my life. I should have given up by now. Trust me, I've tried to do things that are more stable. And they don't stick. Or those opportunities don't come to me. I've made excuse after excuse about why I'm not doing more stuff. As I've learned to beat Resistance, I don't have those excuses any more. I pursue my art because I want to. I pursue it because the work deserves to be out there and public. I pursue my work because I love it.

How have I beaten Resistance? By taking it seriously. By reminding myself to keep going when I recognize Resistance. I am rationalizing right now by saying that I need time for things to percolate in order for me to get to work on my pilot rewrite. I tell myself that I've done enough work this year. I think that I don't need to start work on a new play yet. I've got research to do. I've had such a great year, I don't want to be selfish.

See? Resistance and Rationalization are still working their respective street corners and getting plenty of business from me. How have I beaten Resistance? That explanation doesn't sound like I've beaten it at all. But I get up and I make every day about writing. Even if I don't get it done. I make sure that's my priority for the day. I get up and go where I need to go to in order to get work done. I'm on it every day. That's what makes me a Pro. And that's the next thing Pressfield discusses in the book. And it's my favorite section of the book too.

My intention is to write and produce and make money.
My intention is to keep working.
My intention is to create a social network where people come to me.
My intention is to not stop.

I am grateful for my community of support.
I am grateful for my ability to work regardless of how much or how little support I get.
I am grateful that I inspire people and that I am also inspired by those same people.
I am grateful that life continues to reveal good things for me.
I am grateful that I ain't finished yet.