Overwhelmed

Art matters! Especially now!
Teaching jobs!
Writing gigs!
Pilot rewrite!
Personal safety!
Fights to wage!

I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. Also a bit hungry. I'm waiting for my meal at the Korean Spa where I'm supposed to be writing today. I have students I'm supposed to be getting notes back to. I have 28 students, so I'm having to rush through notes to get everything done in time for them to do rewrites. I'm being told by friends that I need to not do so much work for my students. And I'm not excited to finish these notes, not because I don't adore my students. But because I know I'm being compromised. It's too many students. Even maintaining my cap of 25 would have been overwhelming. I know I'm not giving them everything I can give them. But I also know that these students need me more than many because they're at a state school. It makes me realize how lucky I was to have gone to private schools.

I love teaching. But I don't like this compromise of having to peruse student work instead of dive into it because of time. It's either my own work or theirs. And I have to choose mine. But seriously, the compromise is driving me crazy. I'd say that it's killing me, but given the serious shit that's going down in our country right now, I don't want to be flip with my expressions.

I have a pilot I'm trying to fix. But I'm immobilized right now. It's that normal fear and anxiety that all writers feel when they have to work on something. We curl up in a fetal position and we whimper in a corner because life is hard. Writing is hard. Living is hard. I always get this way and then I remind myself at some point that I need to keep going. And then I do.

I'm having a hard time with that today. Thinking about work possibly starting in January and the vacation I'm going to have to reschedule or adjust because of work - which I'm glad to have, by the way.

And then there's this overwhelming feeling that I need to be doing something about the world we're living in, about the fact that a white supremacist faction has entered the White House (making it the really White House), and my voice is more important than ever. I've been looking for purpose in the work that I do - the commercial work that I do - and it looks like I've found it. Because people don't go to the theatre or see the theatre in the numbers that people watch TV. And if our shows have people who are different shades, shapes and sizes, of different experiences, and with different opinions, but they still stick together, then maybe that will reflect back to our world. We need to remember that our differences enrich us all. And that none of us can be intolerant. I can't be liberal and intolerant. And people can't be conservative and intolerant. Yes, I'm always the one who has to adapt to my surroundings. I'm never the one who has to be adapted to. And I've taken that habit of adapting into my relationships, into my work life - into all aspects of my life.

I have the feeling the anger in me is about to have a voice. I find myself angry at my liberal friends who  haven't been the best allies. And they're feeling even more overwhelmed than I am. Because even though this world is scary now, it has always been a scary place for me. I've just gone outside. And when I read how much people have been upset and blown away by what has happened to our country because of the election, I want to dismiss their feelings. But then I remember that for many of them, this is the first time they've felt ostracized or dismissed in a real way. And I want them to remember that feeling and know that I'm here with them. And now we're truly on the same team. And let's do shit.

But I get that feeling of not knowing what to do as well. I've got my fury to carry me for right now. And that's okay. That anger will become action. It's already becoming action. My theatre company is organizing and getting a group together. I've sent emails. I've made phone calls. I started writing something new. All I can do is keep going. The world needs me.

My intention is unity.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is awareness.
My intention is action.

I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for a quiet refuge.
I am grateful for love.
I am grateful for theatre.
I am grateful for friends to go to the theatre with.