The Power

My friend Brian used to say, "You have to be aware of the power you possess." Brian is a handsome, smart, ambitious guy who in another life could have been a GQ model. He probably still could, he's in his early 40s and looks great. He was aware that he held a certain authority and charm over people. He knew that because of the way he looked, his brain and his personality, he could achieve a lot. He was incredibly self-aware about the way to use that influence.

When we were in our 20s, I'd look at him and nod. I was in awe of him and this power that he possessed. He seemed so confident and sure of himself.  I didn't understand how someone that beautiful and charming could be a friend of mine. I didn't understand how he could walk into a room and ask for what he wanted. I didn't realize that I had the same power he had.

Sure, I was smart and funny and people seemed to be attracted to me. But I was looking for universal love and acceptance - a myth. I still felt like the buck-toothed, too skinny kid with the bowl haircut. Even though I had left that guy behind years ago, I hadn't let him go completely.

Throughout my life, I have given that power away to people. Brian knew enough to know to harness it and value it. I didn't have that knowledge. I gave away my power right and left. In the past several years, I have learned to own my intelligence. I have learned to own my compassionate heart and my influence over people. I treat it with respect, but I now operate from this place of power. How did I get there? I don't know completely. I started believing that I had something to offer. I still have insecurities, but that's the price of being alive. The trick is to not let those insecurities make you inactive.

I'm watching a lot of cooking documentaries. The chefs that impress me most are the ones I haven't heard of before - the ones who are causing gastronomic revolutions outside of metropolitan areas, outside of the hot spots. I admire these chefs who are cooking on a high-end level on their own terms. I was just watching Chef's Table: France and struck by a chef who cooks in a town in France that's not a   foodie destination.

I started thinking about my own path in life. Nothing I have done is typical. I grew up a working class kid born to Mexican and Chinese-American parents who didn't have a degree beyond a high school diploma. So often in my life, I wasn't expected to do much. I went to the high school no one expected me to go to, the college no one expected me to go to, then I got into a grad school no one expected me to get into. And then I thought I had arrived. So I started doing all of the expected things. None of those things worked out.

Years passed and when I finally stripped away all of these things I had become - or half-become because I wasn't successful at the things I was trying - I was left with my passion for writing and expression. I was on the verge of forty and starting over. No one talks enough about "the reckoning" that one goes through as they approach what's considered "middle age." I have gone through a rebirth because I've gotten back in touch with the things I've always wanted to do. Most people don't get to fully experience this reckoning because they're already on a path with kids and a spouse. Most people are afraid to dismantle all of that. My friend Molly wasn't and when she turned 40 she went back to school and followed her heart. I had the big lesson of watching a father die with regrets. He had a lot of fear and he let it immobilize him to the point where he realized as he was dying that there were still things to do and now it was too late.

In the over four years since his death, I have been living a different life. I have stripped everything bare and I started reinforcing my foundation. About two years in, I started building on that foundation. I spent a year working on my grief. Then I started looking for work. Nothing was coming. I would apply to things, but no one was biting. Meanwhile, I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. Then I spent a whole year working on a play. I had no business doing that. I had no money. I should have spent that time trying to get a job I'd hate as soon as I started - at least according to popular logic. Defiantly, I didn't do that. I even had the experience of fighting with my brother who thought I was crazy. I broke up with a boyfriend who wanted things from me that I couldn't give him. I was obsessed with writing and he was obsessed with music. Two obsessed people who didn't want to give in or give up either obsession weren't going to make it. We were getting in each other's way, so we broke up. Then the floodgates opened and my career started taking off.

Watching these documentaries made me realize something: I don't play by the rules. I'm at my best when I'm not following the rules. I'm an Aquarian which means that I go in the exact opposite direction of everyone else. That's where I'm my best. I have the opportunity to make my way in the world by not going in the direction everyone else is going in. I have to dream bigger. I have to jump two to three steps in order to be successful. Thinking small doesn't work for me. It's antithetical to my very being. I'm not normal.

What is normal? Having three jobs that I have to juggle - which could be a very real possibility coming up. Normal is not having a designated living space right now. Being rootless. That won't always be the case, but I'll have to find a way to make that work for now. I want my own space. I want to create my own reality - and it will be small initially. I want to take every opportunity and make it work for myself. I am now well aware of my power and what it takes to do the things I want to do.

I have said that the play I wrote this year has broken me open as a writer. I'm excited and curious to see where that leads me. Who am I as a writer now? That remains to be seen. But right now I do know that I am a playwright/TV writer/teacher/theatre company member. And I've got a lot of work to do. I've got this far not caring what other people think and I'm going to continue along that road. I've got strong opinions and I fight for what I believe in. I'm going to continue to do that. I don't have time for my brother's negative opinions that things are good now, but "what about next year?" I don't live that way - that thinking doesn't sit well with my soul. I'm a hardworking optimist. So what if I rub some people the wrong way? I can't be concerned with that. I've got to run my restaurant the way I want to. I've got to follow my instinct. And to do that, I've got to be alone. That's the best way for me to access my Power for now.

My intention is expansion.
My intention is to say YES to everything. 
My intention is to have it all.
My intention is to juggle and spin the plates.

I am grateful for a day of rest.
I am grateful for shutting off.
I am grateful for the end of Thanksgiving leftovers.
I am grateful for 11:11.
I am grateful for quiet.