The title of this post is from a Demi Lovato song - where I get all of my pop culture wisdom. I play it in my car when I want to get pumped up. I work out to it. I sing along and let the message of the song seep into my consciousness…apparently.
I had a conversation with my friend David last night to catch up. He asked me if I feel like I've made it. I asked him to clarify. He said that he used to hear the worry in my voice, but since getting the TV job, he doesn't hear that in my voice any more.
Do I feel like I've made it?
My knee jerk reaction was to say, "Of course, I don't feel that way. I worry. I worried last week when I thought my manager wasn't doing enough for me. Remember that?" Wow. Defensive.
It's true. I worry. I'm not immune to it. I feel the same insecurities we all feel. I'm only teaching one class a week right now. I don't have any jobs on the horizon. I'm not taking any meetings. I have plenty of reason to let my anxieties take over.
But it's true that I've also said something over the past several years - Anxiety's a waste of time. Once I stopped worrying so much, I made time for a lot of other things - like work. Why was I getting so defensive when David asked me that question? I was worried that I wasn't worrying enough. Are people going to think that I think I've got it made? Are they going to think that I'm that arrogant? Are they going to think less of me?
See? I worry.
It's because one of my closest friends brought something to my attention. That I wasn't worried enough. That's not how he meant it, but that's at the bottom of that statement. And it hit me to the core because I'm vulnerable when it comes to what David thinks of me. Because I love him - we're tight. I do care what he thinks. And here I was in this place of worry last night during this conversation. I even asked for a follow up.
Have I changed? Do you feel like I feel more confident?
The answer was yes. And not in a bad way. But I have changed.
But wasn't this the goal all along? To not worry as much? To change the way I look at myself and my career. To go back to the friend I've been mentioning for the past several blog posts, that guy is full of worry. There's so much uncertainty in this business and in life in general - so the natural reaction is to worry. It feels a bit unnatural for someone to not have a worry. Either that person is blind or lying - that's not David's opinion or my friend's opinion - that's the general consensus. That's what we're trained to think. And I don't think that way any more. I've succeeded!
Right?
So why am I not worried? I don't know. I have plenty of reason to worry. But I trust the surprise element and the unexpected. I also trust that there's always something in the box. In The War of Art and Turning Pro, Pressfield talks about trust. He says that we have to trust that the muse will be there for us as long as we're letting her know where we're at every day. We have to trust that the idea will be there. We have to trust that the Universe will be there with a work opportunity or a job or a meeting. And I've successfully managed to do that.
Until last night? Well, that doesn't mean I've failed. It doesn't mean that I have to go back to square one and get back to the level of not worrying I was at before. It was another check in - thanks, Universe! It's a marker to let me know how far I've come in not letting anxiety rule me. Now does that read as arrogance or feeling like I've made it. It could. I've been afraid all of my life about getting ahead of the pack and that's why I haven't. I never wanted people to think that I thought I was better than them or smarter. I honestly don't care about that any more. I'll never be the smartest person in the room, but I'm happy to be myself. And if that means I seem like I'm relaxed and this is all easy, I can't be responsible for how people see that. It's not personal - they're not judging me. I'm judging myself. And even if people think I'm arrogant or full of myself, that's not my responsibility to try to remedy.
My friend David loves me and he wants the best for me - I know that and he made that clear last night. He's not jealous or envious. He's got a ton of things going on, more than he realizes. We talked about that last night. It's hard to know what you've got going on because you're so inside of it. He has a play that has won a ton of awards and notices. It's a play that he thought was dead in the water a year ago. I remember saying to him - I LOVE that play. It's not over. And it wasn't over. He's an incredibly talented guy and has been teaching for the past several years. He's on a roll, but it's hard to know that until things start manifesting into jobs and opportunities. I get that.
I don't have to worry that about being too confident. I don't have to worry that I'm pissing people off with my attitude - I've always pissed people off with how positive I am. That's who I am. He loves me. My friends and family love me. And I don't worry as much. Why? Because I can't do anything about any of this. I have control and I have options. If this manager doesn't work out, I'll find another. I found this guy and I'm not a shitty writer. I'll find another job. I know that I create good impressions and every job I've ever had has turned into a bigger opportunity than it was originally supposed to. That has been the case in every single job I've ever had. For me, I have to decide where I want to shine that spotlight. What part of the lawn do I want to grow? Which part of the garden should I attend to? The tomatoes? The strawberries? The herbs? The onions? The lettuce? That's all any of this is. What part of the garden will I attend to? Because I know that where I put my attention, that part of the garden will grow - and bigger than I could have planned for.
The best remedy for worry is work. And that's what I try to stay focused on. My friend David reminded me of that last night. I put all of my worry and hesitation and anxiety into the work and that keeps me distracted. Soon the worry goes away and I create more opportunity for good things to happen without thinking about it.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is forward motion.
My intention is focus.
My intention is self-validation and self-care.
My intention is compassion.
I am grateful for friends who check me with love.
I am grateful for colleagues.
I am grateful for public gatherings that reflect back to me where I'm at in my life now.
I am grateful for moments of stillness.
I am grateful for my mediation practice.
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