As I looked across the table, I saw actors who are supposed to be me, my mom, my dad and my brother. I also had actors who are supposed to be more fictional versions of my Dad's doctor, his caretaker, my ex-boyfriend and an obviously fictional imaginary cockroach. This play has been birthed from my fractured mind. All of these actors were here because they agreed to be there, but they also read the play and liked it.
One of my favorite places to be in life is a rehearsal room doing table work on a new play. It's where I get to hear the play for the first time with actors - at least this new version of it. I started writing the play last Fall, I finished it in February and had done some rewrites on it so I could do this workshop. Chalk Rep, the theatre company I'm a part of, asked me to join because of this play and also offered to do this workshop. This has been in the works since April. So to finally be in a room where I feel completely supported is amazing. I love being in rehearsal rooms in general, but to be here for this play in particular with actors who look like my family and are of the right ethnic origin - I'm not prepared for how emotional this is for me. They saw things in the play that people who aren't from my particular cultural background wouldn't pick up on. On one level, it's a simple family drama. On another level, it's about telling a story of something that happened to me. It's the play that most obviously represents my voice and personality on stage. I honestly didn't think I could be that bare and open in a play. I honestly have been afraid to be this bare and open. I feel like this experience is changing me as a playwright.
I feel like the experiences I've had over the past five years have changed me as a writer. First of all, the productivity of the past five years - and especially the past two and a half years - have made me better. The old adage that "writers write" and the more you write, the better you get is absolutely true. I wrote with an urgency when my Dad was sick. I wrote to escape. I had a renewed sense of purpose in my writing. I wrote to challenge myself. Then I wrote to cope. I started writing about death after my Dad's death. And now I'm actually writing about my Dad's death. But every play I've written since he died has had death as a part of the story. But when I started writing a lot more and only writing about two and a half years ago, I became a better writer by just writing more. That led to an eight month long development process on a play I wrote last year. Then that led to me being on staff on a show this year while working on this play and two other pilot scripts. I'm excited that the work I've been doing is making all of my writing better.
Back to the rehearsal room - this is my most personal play ever. I'm in it as a character. It's also my most ambitious play ever. I don't think about things like "producibility" when I'm writing. I'd like to write a two-hander as a challenge perhaps if I found a play idea that wanted to be a two-hander. And that play would probably be more producible and that would do things for me career-wise. But I have to write the play in front of my in the way I want to. I won't always write big plays. But I consider myself a frugal playwright, everything in the play has a reason to be there and a full impact. Nothing's wasted or indulgent. As I look around the table, and I hear the comments, I know that experience is making me a better writer. I feel more connected to my cast because they are telling stories from their own personal lives that feel relevant to this play. It's making me feel like my story isn't singular and that it's relatable. This table is a different table than working with primarily white theatre artists. Our two white producers have something to offer that's completely different than our actors and director of color. That's significant because we're all giving a voice to something that we've all experienced. Yes, many people at that table have had sick or dying parents. They've had their own insecurities as artists. They've had their own family issues. But when you share certain details that resonate because of a shared cultural heritage, it deepens that connection. I don't get to see a lot of stories that feel familiar to me. It's very subtle for me. These characters don't talk about their race. It's a simple family drama in many ways, but when an actor tells me about his father or mother - and relates it to being Asian or Latina - it makes me feel heard. It makes me feel like what we're doing here is not just pumping up my ego. There's a higher calling to what we're doing with this play. This play needs to be heard. And not solely for my own advancement. The community we're creating in this room needs to be expanded.
After only two days, I felt like I have a responsibility with these rewrites. These actors have given me something. I need to give them something better back. Then they need to hit the ball back to me and then I'll write more. We are bringing everything we have to up our collective game. And in those two days, we became connected. Maybe we'll even feel like a family at the end of this process. Right now I can say that I'd lift this cast for production. Not only because it's hard to find actors of age and color, but because our director started out and said they should bring themselves to these roles and infuse them with their personal experience. She was inviting these characters to resonate in them. And once that happened - whoosh - the play exploded. It also exposed the weaknesses in the play, which I'm grateful for . It's the time for those weaknesses to be exposed. I'm going to try to strengthen as many of those weaknesses as I can in two weeks. I owe it to them. I owe it to my family to represent them well. I owe it to the memory of my Dad. And I owe it to the story, which needs to be told. I've never felt more strongly that a play of mine needs to be produced and seen by millions of people. I feel the same way about my play about shooting drills - for different reasons. But I feel like with these two most recent plays I'm writing about things that are bigger than me. They've got a greater purpose and hopefully, a greater journey.
I listened to a podcast yesterday between two writers - one who I know who was the interviewer and another whose work I know. They talked about the meaning of success. And the interviewed writer said that success was just the fact that she gets to do it. I feel the same way. The validation comes from getting to do the work. But these are two plays who have a greater purpose beyond me. They need to be seen and produced and read. They need to be published. They need to be done. So any personal benefit that comes from that is only in service to the goal of them existing for a larger audience.
Bringing it back to community - I guess this theatre thing is all about creating community. It's avoiding the loneliness of my brain and the sterileness of the page. So you have to go into a room and hear the voices in your head being split up and interpreted by actors. And those actors bring themselves and then you do rewrites based on those reactions and then it becomes something that's collaborative. Hopefully the fruits of that labor result in putting the work up somewhere and sharing it with an audience. That's why it has to be good. Otherwise, it's wasteful and indulgent. That's a pretty high falutin' goal. But I'm a pretty high falutin' fella. That's the only reason I'm in this game - to serve a higher purpose.
My intention is to write a good play.
My intention is to be open-minded and open-hearted.
My intention is to get this play seen by millions of people.
I am grateful for these actors.
I am grateful for my theatre company that wants to explore this play.
I am grateful for the connections being made.
I am grateful for the fun being had.
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