As Christmas is coming and the end of the year approaches, it's all about a personal review of moments from this year. And the moment I remember the most from this year happened in May. I had gone through about three months of working on this new play and had a public reading of it. The theatre I was working with wasn't sure I should do a public reading yet. But I knew I needed it as a part of my process. I had asked my dramaturg to give me a break for six weeks while I worked on this play on my own. I was going to cast it myself and put it together on my own. I decided that I wouldn't have a director who would get in the middle of the process I knew I would be having with the director I was bringing in for my workshop.
This was the moment where I stopped listening to anybody. Now we're often told that this is the moment where things fall apart. And I was willing to take that risk. I had the support of the theatre up to this point. They did support me ultimately in the decision I felt I needed to make, but I got a lot of flack for it that was unproductive. We did a reading of it in April where I got a lot of conflicting advice. I had two friends tell me what they responded to. That left me feeling like I was at a crossroads. When I shared that info with my dramaturg, that gave her the opening to express how she felt the play could be more contained and smaller than I had written it. I remember a conversation we had where I realized that the play she had in her head and the play I was writing were two different plays. I needed a break.
Since this reading was not through the theatre, I asked for that break. I explained that since this was separate from our process, I was going to take the time to work on my own. To be honest, I didn't doubt that what I was doing was the right thing. Even if I fell on my face, I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to claim my play. I had some thoughts on what I needed to do. I got rid of two actors and make it a six person play. I really ripped the play apart. I don't remember what those six weeks were like, but I know that everyone was shocked by how much work I had done.
I ran that rehearsal like crazy. I knew what I wanted. I knew how I wanted to hear things. I remember that it was a hot day that day and the air in the theatre was turned up. Ironically, the theatre we were performing in was the theatre that was developing my play. So it still felt like they were involved somehow. The play really struck a nerve. When I saw it in front of an audience, I knew that it was the play I wanted to continue to work on. What the play ultimately became was cemented on that day and the six weeks prior. It was cemented in my choosing to work without guidance or crutches. Now it feels like a huge risk, but then it felt like I had to get everyone out of my head. I got my two best friends out of my head as well as my dramaturg.
I remember coming out of the theatre. My boyfriend was there, so that meant a ton to me. Friends were there and supportive. As we were coming out of the theatre, my friend Cory asked me how I felt about it. And as I was explaining my feelings, I burst into tears. I burst into tears! I've never been so overcome with emotion in that way. I was talking about how I wrote it for my niece and nephews. I looked at my friend Lolly, who looked so nurturing in that moment. And my friends huddled around me a bit. I couldn't believe that I was crying over my own work. But the tears came from the fact that I took that risk, I wrote the play that was in my heart to write. And people saw the potential. Of course, it would be another four months before we did a final reading in September of an even better version of the play all around with a fantastic cast and brilliant direction. But this was the moment I will remember from all year because I embarrassed myself with a huge display of emotion. It was heartfelt. It gave me the strength to deal with any disagreements from the rest of the year. I knew I could stand strong in my vision for the play because once I demonstrated it, I knew the blueprint.
I've had many creative differences this year. I've learned how to handle myself better than I would have if I just let my ego lead. I've had to smile and nod at people while they said insulting things. I had to listen and let go of other things. But I know now to trust my instincts. Theatre's collaborative and I thrive on that collaboration. Listening's very important. But the other thing that was important that I never knew before was that you can stick to your guns and not be punished for it. Now that gives a lot of egomaniacs free reign. But I hope I'm not just an egomaniac. I hope I can see objectively how to fix what needs to be broken and how to leave certain things well enough alone. I learned to trust myself this year in a way I've never been able to before.
It has made all the difference.
I am grateful for my instinct.
I am grateful for collaboration.
I am grateful for emotional outbursts.
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