A Few Days Off

I try to make time for reflection at some point during my day. I pride myself on trying to achieve balance in my busy life. I've gotten away to the Bay Area once already this year. I head to Sonoma and San Francisco/Santa Clara next week. And Portland at the end of the month for nine days. But the past few days, I haven't wanted to do any work. I have a pitch I need to continue to work on, but I've been working on that while working on the finale script for the show. There has been no break.

I finished a larger version of the pitch a couple of days ago. They still have questions. I need to address those. But ever since Thursday, I've been feeling like I need to rest. Thursday's not that long ago. It was a day and a half ago, and yet, I'm feeling like I've been on a break for a week. It's good to work hard. I prefer it to having nothing to do. But I also need to replenish myself. Part of my brain says, "Keep working through it because you have some breaks coming up." And part of me thinks, "I need a break now. Plus those breaks." The truth is that I'm always working--even if I'm on vacation or not. My brain continues to put things together.

Yesterday, I went to a Korean Spa and spent several hours in silence. That was beautiful. I might go do that again soon. It was such a delight. Actually, I spent Wednesday at a Korean Spa. That was not in silence, I met a Psychic there. [Check out that blog post] He said something important - the body knows what it wants. He meant that in terms of food and diet. But I think the body also knows when it's time to rest. Whether or not I want to admit how much work has happened over the past two and a half years--well, I have no problem admitting it because I write about it on this blog all of the time--it does not always sink in. Or the physical realities don't sink in. The amount of physical and mental exertion it takes to write 3000 pages in two years is something. That's not just a number. That's energy and concentration. I'm also a little slumpier because I didn't start my day exercising. I find that when the day starts that way, I do have more energy. I just haven't felt like it the past two days. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with it. And I'm having a lazy Saturday. There's nothing wrong with that.

Rest is important. So is spending time with loved ones. I had some social time this week, which was nice. I realize that when I'm working, I don't see anybody. So when I've got more free time, I need to spend it with friends and family. This Portland trip is the first major getaway this year. I did the Bay Area for four days and Las Vegas for four days. The Las Vegas trip, however, was a work trip. It was a good work trip. Productive in a ton of ways. And I spent time with my godmother, which I needed to do as well. I'm trying to make time for the people in my life.

The psychic also said that this pilot I'm writing is the launching pad. So I need to finish it. I'm getting closer and closer. I would like to finish a draft of that before I leave town on Friday. That's a soft goal, right? And the execs probably want some more thoughts on the story arc for this one character. And I've got four scripts to read. Plus trying to convince my theatre company to produce the play I wrote last year. And we've got a workshop coming in August. Take a breath. Go in that order. The theatre who you're reading the plays for hasn't asked for them yet. Make that the last priority. Convincing the theatre can wait until the next company meeting in July. And the workshop isn't until August--lean on them for casting and you've already got some feelers out for directors. Then the last two items that are equally as important. The pitch is about the show the execs are developing with me, so that takes the biggest priority right now. And I want to get this pilot done. So I have to work on those simultaneously. That's fine. That's just the way it's going to be. I'm not going to worry about it too hard. I'm just going to get to work.

After I finish Chef's Table Season Two on Netflix. I've got one more episode left. And it's research for both my series and my pilot. Multitasking. That's what I do. When I'm not getting metaphysical advice at the Korean Spa and clearing my head. Both are of equal importance right now.

I am grateful for inspiration.
I am grateful for gray days in LA.
I am grateful for quiet moments.
I am grateful for Korean Spas.
I am grateful for focus.
I am grateful for integrating thoughts.
I am grateful for vacations.
I am grateful for my family.
I am grateful for the things I love.
I am grateful for writing.
I am grateful for my career.

The Night I Met a Psychic at the Korean Spa

That would be tonight, actually.
I ended up striking up a conversation with a guy I found incredibly attractive, by the way, and who I completely connected with on an energy level. There was a lot to what happened, but I want to get to the things he said to me before I forget them.

We were talking in the hot tub - we stroke up a conversation checking each other out. And while it ultimately didn't go there, we had a great two hour conversation. In the middle of it, he mentioned to me that he was psychic.

And here's what he told me:

• I'm going to be busier than I ever thought I would be.
• I'm going to ultimately take a break from it--and pull back from doing so much--but by then I'll be financially stable enough to do so.
• The pilot I'm writing right now is going to be successful and that's where this activity will be coming from - so I need to finish it.
• I have a great community of writers around me and these people admire me. People who affirm me.
• I'll be moving up to LA soon.
• Ride the Wave.

And I'm sure he said other things that I wish I had remembered. But the overwhelming feeling I got from him is that I'm smart and I'm doing what I should be doing. I just need to keep going. This is what I'm meant to be doing. The interesting thing about psychic readings or tarot card readings is that they tell you a lot of what you already know or already feel. So they end up affirming you more than giving you new information. And that's how I felt when he finished telling me what he told me. I believe that I'm a bit ambivalent about how busy I am because I know this is going to be life changing - the momentum I'm feeling now.

I started out the evening feeling low and a bit lonely about my ex. He's playing a gig tonight not too far from me and a big part of me was hoping he'd invite me to come out. But he didn't. I called a good friend of mine who was actually going tonight. I needed to talk some stuff out. But I decided instead to go to the Korean Spa that I never go to. Something was compelling me to go.

Right when I got there, I saw this guy. Obviously, I thought he was cute. We were cruising each other big time. But then we started talking and struck up a nice conversation about Palm Springs, San Diego, New York, etc. So we left the steam room and went to go sit in the hot tub. We talked about Chef's Table on Netflix - we both have watched Season Two and got up to Episode Four. As I was talking to this guy - and I was feeling like we were connecting - I realized that this was the kind of guy I wanted to be in a relationship with. We ultimately got to the fact that he's married and has been with his husband for 24 years. He seemed very young to me, but he was right in an age range I kind of like. I thought he was closer to my age. And we were definitely vibing, that was clear from both of us. I felt like I got a gift from the Universe tonight. 

He's out there. It's not this guy. He's in an incredible relationship. But that model is out there for me. I remember going to my friend Bill's house in Sonoma a couple of years ago and I met a friend of my friend Thomas'. I completely clicked with this guy. I was in a relationship at the time. And I remember thinking that I needed to be with someone like that, not like the person I was dating - the ex I was obsessing over a few hours ago. That's the big knock on the head the Universe was giving me. Don't settle for your ex because you miss him. He's not the guy for you. This guy you spent two hours with talking to at the Spa who kept smiling at you and giving you a boner - well, he's not the guy for you either because he's taken. But someone's out there for you.

I don't think I'm ready right now. I'm about to be busier than I ever thought I would be. And it's going to be a great thing. Ultimately, I'll be moving up to LA. I'll get my life settled the way I want it and then things will fall into place. But not before that. I have to have my life the way I want it first.

I can't emphasize enough what a great big gift this was. I needed that affirmation. And it comes on the eve of this pitch, which is a part of how busy I am going to be. There has been a lot of self-doubt lately - maybe because I realize that I am on the precipice of something big and daunting. I feel it. So I'm bracing myself. But I should consider myself braced, fortified and ready.

It's time.

He also said that he imagines that I'm a good teacher. That means a lot to me. It's something I take pride in for sure. That was $20 at the spa well spent. I'm glad I trusted the voice that told me to go there.

I am grateful to make a new connection.

I am grateful to connect with other open minded people.

I am grateful that the Universe is conspiring.

I am grateful that he looked so cute - he really was handsome.

I am grateful for the message he passed on to me.

Second Chances

I have been prepping a pitch for the past week or so. And I've been getting in my head about it. I was supposed to do this pitch last Friday, then I asked to have the weekend to do more preparation. The pitch was supposed to happen yesterday and then it was moved to Thursday.

I realize the Universe stepped in to give me more time. I wasn't ready. It would have been a fine pitch. But for some reason I haven't been as focused as I need to be. Why? I think I'm scared. This is a big step--more of a leap--forward for me. I know deep down I am capable of this leap. But I'm holding myself back. Purely out of fear. The doubts start to creep in and I start questioning myself. Again, I would have pushed through. But secretly I wanted a postponement. And that's what happened.

So now I have 24 hours to prep and rehearse and nail this pitch. It's a good pitch. It's a great idea. I'm fully ready for this. I've been building up to this for about a month. When I did the initial pitch last month, I took the call in a friend's home office. And that friend could overhear my pitch. She said that I sounded commanding. Every meeting since then has brought positive feedback. I think that the more time I have to work on it, I doubt myself.

I'm a person who's trying to live without so much anxiety. I'm successful in that pursuit, but those moments where the anxiety I do have sets in make it difficult to move forward. I realize that the kind of anxiety I used to have would have rendered me immobile. I fundamentally did not feel worthy. That's not where I am now.

I think my big issue is that I'm doing this alone. I'm standing apart from the crowd for the first time in my life - at least, it feels like that. I have no boyfriend to lean on. I have incredible friends who have been incredibly supportive and wonderful. The more I step forward, the easier it will get, I suppose. So it's imperative that I continue to step forward, despite my fear. I have been given a second chance to put even more work and preparation into this. I have been let off the hook from certain other writing duties to put my full energy into it. There are no obstacles in my way. Everything has opened up to allow me to put my full power into this pitch. I have to look at it that way.

I have been really negative lately and down on myself. That has to stop. This pep talk that I'm giving myself is helpful. People need to have more of those pep talks with themselves. It's great that I'm humbled by these opportunities and it's honorable that I feel blessed and fortunate. But these are my opportunities. I can't be so humbled that I don't step up to the challenge. I'm not lucky. I did this. This is my time. This is what I deserve. I have to step into my greatness. This is my time. This is the moment that I have been fantasizing about. All I have to do is step into what I deserve.

Okay. I'm going out there, Coach. Thanks for the pep talk.

I am grateful for this second chance.
I am grateful for extra time to perfect what is a great pitch.
I am grateful that I know how to take care of myself.
I am grateful that I am not letting anxiety rule me.
I am grateful that I'm pushing myself.

A Practice

I don't remember how long ago I decided that writing was going to be the thing I spent most of my time doing.

Years ago, I was toiling away in an entertainment office, working for a manager, making appointments for other people - for a life I wanted to be living. I was bitter. I was frustrated. I was in a relationship with someone that was so distracting that it kept me from thinking about how unhappy I was. I wrote occasionally - when I could, when I wasn't too exhausted from my day job.

I had made a decision that I was going to write plays because I needed to write things for myself. So I wrote a play. Then I wrote another. Then I wrote another. I wrote three plays in about a nine month period. I don't know what happened to those plays. I never showed them to anyone. They were efforts. But they weren't plays I would ever be proud of. They're not plays I have a desire to go back to. But they helped me purge something.

Then I went on a spiritual journey. I started a new play. I think that was the play that awakened me. I started writing it. Then I broke up with a boyfriend. When I decided to pick it up and set up a workshop for myself, I was dealing with a Dad who had gotten sick. That play was wonderful. It didn't go anywhere. It had a reading and some development. But nothing beyond that. Then I ended up joining the Playwrights Union. This might have been when Dad was already sick. I wrote my first play in their playwriting challenge. It was fine.

I started spending more time devoted to writing. I wasn't working at the time. But I was making time for it and I had an office, so I was making space for it as well. I think it was during this time that I wrote another play during the playwriting challenge two years later. That play just had a third reading last month. During the time I had the office, I had an idea for a new play. I wouldn't work on it until last year. But during the year I had the office, I wrote five new things. Then last year, I wrote three new things, but mainly a new play. By this time, the writing had become a practice. I was devoting real time to getting work done. I wasn't squeezing it in between things. I had the courage finally to dedicate myself to my work. I foolishly decided not to pursue getting a "real job." I kept writing. I knew it is what I had to do. I ended up losing a relationship over my dedication to myself. But as Steven Pressfield says in "Turning Pro", when you turn pro everything changes. You lose friends. That happened. You lose partners. That happened too. Your family might even change in how they treat you. That happened big time. No one thought me just writing every day was a good idea. At times, I wondered the same thing. I almost moved to Portland to be a literary manager. Thank God I didn't get that job. I must have been too much myself. It wasn't the right time.

Now I realize that having a daily writing practice ruined everything. My life is nothing like it was six months ago. That happened when I went through the previous break up. My life resembles nothing from my past life. I'm single. I'm getting paid as a writer. I was right to devote all of myself, at the expense of my last relationships. I knew it. I knew that if I devoted myself, he would stay or go. It was either going to attract him or repel him. And out the door it went.

But my practice has brought me here. I have a pitch I'm preparing for later this week. I'm up at midnight writing. I'm taking care of myself. I've changed my appearance to reflect who I want to be. I've got long hair. I've got clothes I'm totally into. I'm not trying to be anything for anybody other than myself. The ex-boyfriend and I were not a good fit because he wasn't in love with everything I had to offer. The more I was myself, the more it repelled him. And now I find myself missing him. That's because the heart is healing.

Now I spend all of my time writing. But I've been making a living writing. So I can take care of myself and still write. I've realized the difference between writing for someone else and writing for myself. And I know that I need both of those in my life. Maybe I don't get compensated financially for my theatre writing. But it keeps me observant in the world and it lets me express my own, personal, unique voice. That's an investment that's worth it. I need to invest in myself and in my stories. I'm trying to do that. I think I'm succeeding.

I am grateful for the end of the day.
I am grateful that I worked hard today.
I am grateful that I supported friends.
I am grateful to have a roof over my head.
I am grateful for have a future.

New Levels, New Devils

I was listening to Tamar Braxton talking to Steve Harvey about getting fired from The Real this morning and I heard a phrase that I absolutely identify with:

New Levels, New Devils

And sometimes the devil is calling from inside the house - sometimes you're your own worst enemy. I find myself being more worried, more anxious, more fearful the further along I go. When I walked into that writer's room that first week, I could feel every insecurity I felt come out. It multiplied my anxiety. I'm trying to live as anxiety free a life as I can. But that level of competition brings out something in all of us. It can be the best possible situation - which ours definitely was - and still you feel like you're not good enough. As the blessings multiply, so do the forces that threaten to bring us down. It's like we have to fight on the daily for ourselves.

Tamar and Steve were talking about people who come for you the higher you go - and there' s plenty of that. When one rises to the top, they become a target. That's why I stayed in the background for so long. I didn't want to be a target. But I was also hiding from the potential blessings that were out there waiting for me for so long. It was safer in the background. But there was also no risk, so no reward.

Now that I have the courage to step out there, I'm finding all sorts of obstacles. Most of them reside within, by the way. I don't have anyone else to blame. I'm feeling held back by myself. And I need to get over it. Because the same fearlessness that got me here is going to propel me further.

I am grateful for You Tube.
I am grateful for perspective.
I am grateful for a positive outlook.
I am grateful that I keep it moving.
I am grateful that I am taking care of my mind, body and soul.

Building Out

Writers find it hard to live in the real world. We don't always communicate verbally very well.  Some of us have social anxiety. We like to be so thoughtful in everything that we say that sometimes we take forever to get our thoughts out.

Yet, we can live in a world of our own making. I'm prepping a pitch for next week and I just cancelled plans for this weekend and I might be canceling something for early next week. I initially thought I could pump out this pitch for this show because I've been thinking about it for awhile. But I haven't lived in it. And I need to live in it. I need to sit in the world with the characters and think about things a bit. I don't need to be in a rush to write things down. But I need to journal and think and consider a lot of thoughts. I need to live in this world of characters I'm creating. I know it's crazy to spend a few days in this "world" of my own creation, but I want to make these characters and this world as vivid as possible.

As I was told by an executive, I need to build out the world. I need to figure out who these people, where they live, what they do, how they exist. It ain't easy. It's not like just creating a cool story. There's so much more to it. I guess everyone thinks they can do what a writer does. Everyone thinks they can do what other people do in general. Because we "make it look so easy."

Build out a world, they say. Know everything there is to know about these characters from now and for years to come. I've got to live with these people for awhile. I don't know what they're like in real time yet. How can I write them if I don't know how they exist in the world - in three dimensional space?

I'm going to try to figure this out. I want to be pretty thorough.

I am grateful for the work.
I am grateful for the passion.
I am grateful for the interest.
I am grateful for the love.
I am grateful for the excitement.

June Loom

As in, things are looming over me this month -

I know that I've got a couple of trips scheduled this month. So as of June 17th, I'm in vacation mode. I'll be doing work while I'm gone because that's what I always do. But I'll be in a different mindset.

I put a lot of pressure on myself and I struggle sometimes with whether or not that's completely necessary. I don't know how to operate in life without pushing myself. And I know the reality of the film and TV business is that there's tons of outside pressure. So pressure is just something I have to get used to. It's unavoidable.

So what do I do to counteract that, since I can't avoid it?

Be really nice to myself. It's a constant daily reminder. Usually, the way I'm nice to myself is that I feed myself when I'm feeling bad. I started Whole 30 last month as a way to look at my eating habits. And so far - two weeks in - I've learned that I crave food when I'm feeling low. I'm eating a ton of red meat right now, which makes me a little uncomfortable and worried for my arteries. But what is good is that I'm feeling satisfied at the end of every meal. But I have to take a hard look at the role food plays in my life.

What does that have to do with counteracting pressure? I'm not sure. But I'm trying to be good to myself. I'm trying not to be curmudgeonly. I see friends. I take breaks. I try to know what I can get done in a certain amount of time. And I stress less. That really helps take the pressure off. Just get your shit done and don't worry about it.

I have friends who huff and puff when they have a deadline. Listen, I understand the huffery and the puffery. I don't mean to be disrespectful of that. But while that's happening, there's time to get shit done. I wake up early so I have more of the day available to me. I take my time in the morning. I have my tea - I don't get jittery and worked up from coffee. I have a lot of quiet time and I just start doing shit. If I am too afraid to work on the thing I'm supposed to, I'll blog. Or I'll write in a journal. I try to get myself in the mindset of writing so that I can get close enough to get sucked into the vortex. Otherwise, there are plenty of other vortexes for me to get sucked into: Facebook, Vulture, Deadline, gossip.

I love a writing date. Today, I'm meeting up with my friend Cory to get some writing done. A lot of talking will happen, but we both have shit we need to get done. So that will happen too. I have another writing date scheduled for tomorrow with Carrie. I need to figure out something for Friday - maybe, I'll take off by myself.

And I set a goal for each writing date. Today and tomorrow I have to work on a pitch. I had to put away a script I've been working on because the production company wants to hear something on Friday. Okay, I've been working on getting closer to the pitch over the past few weeks. And now, it seems like they really want to hear my full take. We met last week about it, but I haven't been able to do any work on it because I've been waiting for notes and I had to finish a script for the show I'm working on with them. Now that I'm done with that, I can move on. I can't kill myself with worry over this stuff until I know what my deadline is. I asked for one and got one: Friday. Okay. Let's make it to Friday.

I'm too busy to freak out. I have enough on my plate where I the anxiety takes up too much space. It's like bread at Thanksgiving or soda. It's empty calories. Where did I get such an enlightened point of view? Necessity. It's not life or death. Also, keeping busy keeps the depression at bay. It's true. When I'm not busy, I get bummed out. I suppose that's the sign of an actual practice. When I'm not doing it, I'm not happy. So that forces me to do it. It wasn't always this way. But because I have dedicated myself to writing, I've created a need. I'm a wreck when I'm not doing it - even when I have to take a break from it and give my brain a rest. That's not easy for me.

So as these things are looming on the horizon for me, I need to remember to take a breath and just dive in. Don't worry about it.

I am grateful for writing dates.
I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for Wednesdays.