It Gets Better

This year (so far) I've submitted to probably about 10 or more play development workshops for next summer.

I have applied to two teaching jobs that would give me the opportunity to develop my work while teaching.

I have been working my ass off on two different play rewrites over the past year.  And it's hard to do these rewrites on my own.  I could really use actors and a theatre space at my disposal.  That's why these teaching opportunities seem so appealing to me.  And why I want to do some development this summer at these theatre festivals.  The work can only get better and be helped with more hands (and eyes and ears).

I look forward to the opportunity to be in residence at a University and to really get the chance to see the vision of my work come to fruition in a full and complete way.  Then I feel like I would be ready to bring in a director to see what I've started working on.  I have no interest in directing my own work.  But I have no problem directing my own workshops.  For me, it's an extension of the writing process and it is still "writing" to me.  But there does come a point when I need actors to voice these characters and embody them.  And I need a director to help me see the things I don't see.  Blind spots.  I want a director to have a vision of my play, but I want it to be a vision that involves me.  Not a vision that is simply a showcase for his or her own abilities to shine through and outshine my work.

I need a playground.  And ideally, I would be working on several different plays in development over the summer at these various summer festivals.  It's not me being greedy, but it's me trying to give the plays what they need.  Attention.  Love.  Nurturing.

Then to parlay that into teaching in the Fall…I would love that.

And to even go further…being asked to host workshops or to work with private clients on their own material in the Winter and Spring, which would lead into a Summer of Productive Play Making and Developing and then into the Fall and an entire school year of teaching and play making.  I don't think that's too much to ask.  And I think that writers should have that sort of attention put on them.

Like I said in a previous post, I want the keys to the theatre.  And I want you to leave me alone.  And I want you to come and check on me and be in the audience for that first reading.  And I want you to tell me what you saw and not what you wish I had done.

I have a lot of plays in me right now.  And I want to systematically and with great care get them out.  And I want to see them in front of me.  And I want to talk about them.  And I want to let these children be nurtured.

That's the only way they can be the great plays I know they are.

Six Miles of Good Road

I'm on a jogging jag.

I ran six miles over the weekend.  Gosh, that felt good.  When I'm running, I feel like I'm on fire. I feel like I am tearing through the world with great velocity and strength.  I do feel like I can conquer anything.

On Saturday, there were lots of packs of running groups.  It felt like community.  I saw fit people, running hard.  I saw they were getting the same satisfaction and joy I was getting.  I could only assume that they were having the same revelations and epiphanies that were brought on by the endorphins running through their systems.  It was pure joy.

Then why don't I run every day?

It is so painful for me to get out the door daily to run.  I run a few times a week, which is incredible.  But I'm a runner.  I love it.  And I have the time to do it every day.

But isn't it like writing to me?  When I'm in it, I love it.  I feel like I'm conquering the world.  I feel like Goliath.  But when I wake up to start the day of writing ahead of me, I'm David…looking up at the beast ahead of me and wondering how I'm ever going to conquer him.

But I have done it before.  I have done it well before.  But even if I didn't do it well, it's an amazing feat to finish just one script.

But here's what I'm constantly thinking:

Now I need to do the rewrite.
This isn't perfect.
I have to still write more scripts.
Should I take on that other idea that seems a lot easier?  (Newsflash: It's not easier.  You'll soon grow to hate the process as much as you're hating this one.)

I am so mean to myself.

And I know why.  My Dad pushed me and didn't want me to have a big head about things.  So that turned into this feeling that I could never be in the moment and appreciate an accomplishment.  I had to constantly focus on what I wasn't getting done because if I stopped, then I would leave an imprint.  Like a footprint.  That footprint would reflect where I had stopped.  It would be a marker and I would never go beyond that point.  If I kept moving on--dissatisfied with what I had done--I would be saying that I know there is more ahead of me and that I'm better than what I just did…just you wait.

But how long does one need to wait before they get tired of waiting and move on?

That's the problem with that way of thinking.

I'm going to concentrate on doing what's in front of me.  I'm going to run (and write) and enjoy the feeling of my muscles working,
of my eyes looking straight ahead,
of my lungs taking in more air and not feeling stretched, but feeling bigger,
of my mind opening up and taking in as much air as my lungs.

I love running.
I love writing.
I need to stop acting like I hate it.

I'm lucky.  I can write.  I don't have to will that ability into existence.
I just have to get up.

It Don't Matter *

* I know that's not proper grammar.  Get over it.

I spend a lot of my time trying not to focus on what other people are doing.  It's hard when you've taken time off for a valid reason and you're trying to come back into doing what you love.  But the fact is that I did take time off and I can't assume that the world has been waiting for me to come back.

I am a changed person.

I have gained a lot by being away.

But the world has gone forward.  I have a ton of friends who are making great strides in their careers.  It's finally paying off.  

And sometimes I ask myself, "Where have I been?"  I have a great answer for that.  I have an answer that makes people think I did the noble thing.  And I have a ton of personal growth to show for it.  But I did take time away to do something else that has a hell of a lot more meaning.  However, I am coming back to a world that doesn't care what I learned or why I left.  It has moved on.

I'm not asking myself the question: "Was it worth it?"  I know the answer to that.  But now I have to find my place in an industry whose Kool Aid I have lost the taste for.  

I love to write. 

It gives me meaning.

And trust me, I am holding onto that meaning for dear life.  

I saw an old friend for lunch yesterday.  This friend started out as an assistant for a major show runner in town and now he works as his Manager of Development (although, due to the way things work…he still gets paid as his assistant because this guy's deal doesn't cover another executive). My friend has a job and has a job for a power player.  And he's basically doing the job I did when I worked for these two EPs almost three years ago. 

It was a nice lunch.  He seems to be living a nice life.  But is he doing what he wants to be doing?  I don't know.  The job doesn't sound like it's that exciting.  He's reading scripts for staffing and probably not offering up much of his opinion.  When I worked for those Exec Producers years ago, I was actually doing a job that was above and beyond what my job description was.  But they acknowledged that and they valued my opinion, which was smart because they got a lot more work out of me than they would have if they just treated me as their assistant.  

So if I got another job in the business on that side of things, I would be in the same situation I was over three years ago when I was working a job for another power player who undervalued what I was capable of.  And I realize now, that my friend and I were talking about my previous job, and I was complaining about it.  I hope I didn't insult his choices.  But I realized that those were the same choices I was making three years ago in a job I had been in for seven years.  I have more to offer than that.

So in a way, I feel like I am accomplishing more for myself by not just taking one of those jobs, which coincidentally aren't easy to get.  The guy my friend works for is considered one of the best in the business.  But when you work for someone that big, it is all about them.  It has to be.  They're an industry.  They are not just a person any more.  They are responsible for a lot of people's jobs and for tens and maybe hundreds of millions of dollars.  That's why they are getting paid many tens of millions of dollars under their overall deals.  In the grand scheme of things, their concern can't be you.  It's good humanity.  But it's bad business.

I'm sure my friend, like many of my friends--and like me at one point--drinks the Kool Aid that he has to suffer through that to get to where he wants to get to.  A lot of the folks I've seen in this business are great place holders.  They're capable, but not out of bounds intelligent.  They get the job done, but they're not going to ever be the leaders.  And when you do have someone who is that amazing and that good but not ambitious enough to understand their value, they are undervalued.  I have another friend who I saw a few days before who is one of the most intelligent, perceptive and nicest guys I've ever met, let alone worked with.  He should be running development at a major studio or high level production company in town.  But he's not.  He's a "company man."  And the company he works for doesn't even know how lucky it is to have him.  

I've talked a lot with friends lately about how I don't want my next move to be about advancing my place in the hierarchy.  My next move has to be about advancing my abilities.  It has to be about being better, getting better and doing better.  And that does not just have to be about talent and spirituality.  It can and should be about money.  Money is energy and direct focus towards where you want to be in life and how you see yourself.  Money can keep you afloat.  And money can keep you surviving.  But if you use money to direct energy towards what you want and to make a statement about where you want to be in life and who you want to be in life, it can be incredibly powerful.  

That's what I want to do.  

I want money to direct energy towards what I want. 

I want money to make a statement about where I want to be in life.

I want money to make a statement about who I want to be in life.

And to do that, I have to see it as energy and not just as currency.

So when I look around and when I get jealous of my friends, it's not because they are buying cars and houses.  Sometimes it might be because they're traveling, because I believe that advances the spirit.  It can.  I get jealous of my friends who are putting energy towards what they love.  I get jealous of the people who are doing what they have been put on this earth to do.

But I have to be fair.  

I am writing every day.

I am making the statement with my energy about where I want to be in life.  I have been sending in applications for fellowships, professor jobs, play development, scripts for people to read to hire me.  I have put the time in to write this blog about my struggle and journey to focus on the person I want to be.   

And just like money can be turned into energy to make a statement about where I want to be and who I want to be in life…

Energy can be turned into money.

And there is good energy and bad energy.  There is good money and bad money.  I know that.

I am crystal clear about what my intentions are.

Maybe that's why I am thinking about leaving LA.  

I like my friend, but I don't want his life.

Maybe where the money shows up is where the energy shows up and that will tell me where I need to pull focus.

Running Tour: West L.A.

I'm taking my show on the road!

I went for a run in a lovely older neighborhood in West Los Angeles, near some of my favorite Asian places to eat.

Up and down streets in a small area between Sepulveda and Westwood Boulevards.  And Santa Monica and Olympic.

Today's run wasn't as pretty as the beach, but whenever I'm running along neighborhood streets I like to imagine making a home in a lovely neighborhood.  I imagine what my life might be like.

I started thinking about success and money.  I want to have a life where I'm doing what I love and I have enough money so I don't have to worry.  But I don't want to just have enough to get by.  Living paycheck to paycheck is not for me.

I ran and ran and thought about what abundance means to me.  I think it means having a constant flow of energy that you dip into and take a part of, but that you also let go and pass on the abundance to others.  It does not mean hoarding or accumulating in order to measure yourself up.  It means sharing.  As I turned the corner, thinking about money and what is enough for me, the sky opened up.  All of a sudden blue was breaking through the thick cloud layer.  It felt like light was breaking through on my intentions.  It felt like the thick layer that has been preventing me from seeing myself was finally breaking.

Then I started a mantra:

I Work Really Hard

I have to remind myself of that because I don't always see what I am doing.  I only focus on where I want to go and lament over the fact that I'm not there yet.  But if I don't appreciate what I have accumulated, then I can't appreciate the journey and I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere.  And I have gotten far from where I started.  It goes back to my marathon training.  You run the race which is 26.2 miles, but if you're training regularly for six months you end up running over 500 miles.  It's the 500 miles which allow me to run the 26.2 that everyone sees.

I get up every morning.  And I allow myself time to wake up.  I check emails.  I write in this blog.  I watch stupid You Tube clips to wake my brain up.  Then I write.  Or I meet with a friend or colleague to talk about writing or to network or to discuss our careers.  I go for a run.  I go to the gym.  I am constantly working on honing my focus.  And, as I was reminded last month in dance class, my focus is deeper than ever.

I have to take stock in my accomplishments in order to give me the push, to remind me that I am very well-trained to run this race.

I came back from my run, sweaty and accomplished, ready to take on the day.  My eyes feel like they're about to pop out of my head.  My back feels tingly and awake, alive.  And I've got to jump in the shower because I'm having lunch with Tim.

A Plie is a Journey

I had a dance professor in college named David who always used to say:

"A plie is a journey…see you there!"

I'm not sure if he coined that phrase or if he borrowed it from someone.  But we always used to laugh when he would say that.  We laughed mainly because it was such a wacky, yet exuberant and expressive thing to say.  He also used to say that a plie is necessary because without it, you can't jump as high.  You need the moment of preparation, of rest, of planning before you make the big leap.

I have been on that journey for a couple of years now.  I had forgotten how important the preparation was because I just wanted people to see how high I could jump.  That's the part where you get to show off, right?  Look at how high and how far I can go!  But the plie has to be there first.  It's got to be a good, deep one.  And then you can fly.

I have to say that most of the time I haven't fought it.  It's only in the past six months or so where I feel sort of antsy.  Like I'm ready for something to start moving and stirring up.  I'm trying to surrender and open myself up to the infinite possibilities that the Universe can offer, but it is so in my nature to try and control EVERYTHING.  But I am limited.  The Universe is not.

It's time for me to settle into a deep, deep bend.  Take a breath.  Go deeper.  Prepare for the journey.

Slow Days Suck

I don't really enjoy days like today.

I didn't go for a run.  I felt like I needed a day off because my knees were a bit sore.  I ran pretty hard two days in a row.

I spent the day with my mother.  That isn't bad in itself.  It's just that we had to talk about the neighborhood gossip.  Then lunch.  Then I stayed around a bit to wait out traffic.

It took an hour to get back.

So when it was time to sit down and try to do some writing of any sort, it was late.

I don't feel productive or motivated.

Yes, tomorrow is another day.

But not even the procrastinating I'm doing is very interesting.

Everything annoys me right now.

I did make a list of "fun things" to do with the boyfriend because we're not getting much time together and I think it's starting to affect both of us.  So I decided to be proactive and send of an email with suggestions.

That was a few hours ago.

I'm going to bed early so I can try and catch up on sleep.

And I have nothing left to do today.

It's not even eleven.

Another Santa Monica Run

My run on the beach felt so good that I decided to go back.

I'm on a mission.  A mission for health.  A mission for strength.  A mission to discover what I am made of NOW.

My whole life I have been a fighter.  On the playground.  In the classroom.  On the mean streets of New York.  And in the topsy-turvy wonderland that is Hollywood.

And now it's a different kind of struggle.  I want the body I deserve and the life I deserve.  Running is focusing me and preparing me for that.

Again, no real affirmation yesterday.  I thought about some things, but my mind remained pretty focused and clear.  I focused on the beach ahead of me and around me.  I focused on my breathing.  I focused on my legs that felt strong.

I'm working on cutting through all of the bullshit of my life.  Running's a great metaphor for that.

I ran longer yesterday.  I ran to the Annenberg Beach House and walked around a bit.  It was really beautiful.

These runs are really clarifying.  They help me focus on what's ahead and not on what's behind me.

I'm not running this morning because my legs are tired and I've got errands to run.

But maybe I'll run tonight or just later.  That might be a nice change of pace.

What new things will I find out about myself then?