I spend a lot of my time trying not to focus on what other people are doing. It's hard when you've taken time off for a valid reason and you're trying to come back into doing what you love. But the fact is that I did take time off and I can't assume that the world has been waiting for me to come back.
I am a changed person.
I have gained a lot by being away.
But the world has gone forward. I have a ton of friends who are making great strides in their careers. It's finally paying off.
And sometimes I ask myself, "Where have I been?" I have a great answer for that. I have an answer that makes people think I did the noble thing. And I have a ton of personal growth to show for it. But I did take time away to do something else that has a hell of a lot more meaning. However, I am coming back to a world that doesn't care what I learned or why I left. It has moved on.
I'm not asking myself the question: "Was it worth it?" I know the answer to that. But now I have to find my place in an industry whose Kool Aid I have lost the taste for.
I love to write.
It gives me meaning.
And trust me, I am holding onto that meaning for dear life.
I saw an old friend for lunch yesterday. This friend started out as an assistant for a major show runner in town and now he works as his Manager of Development (although, due to the way things work…he still gets paid as his assistant because this guy's deal doesn't cover another executive). My friend has a job and has a job for a power player. And he's basically doing the job I did when I worked for these two EPs almost three years ago.
It was a nice lunch. He seems to be living a nice life. But is he doing what he wants to be doing? I don't know. The job doesn't sound like it's that exciting. He's reading scripts for staffing and probably not offering up much of his opinion. When I worked for those Exec Producers years ago, I was actually doing a job that was above and beyond what my job description was. But they acknowledged that and they valued my opinion, which was smart because they got a lot more work out of me than they would have if they just treated me as their assistant.
So if I got another job in the business on that side of things, I would be in the same situation I was over three years ago when I was working a job for another power player who undervalued what I was capable of. And I realize now, that my friend and I were talking about my previous job, and I was complaining about it. I hope I didn't insult his choices. But I realized that those were the same choices I was making three years ago in a job I had been in for seven years. I have more to offer than that.
So in a way, I feel like I am accomplishing more for myself by not just taking one of those jobs, which coincidentally aren't easy to get. The guy my friend works for is considered one of the best in the business. But when you work for someone that big, it is all about them. It has to be. They're an industry. They are not just a person any more. They are responsible for a lot of people's jobs and for tens and maybe hundreds of millions of dollars. That's why they are getting paid many tens of millions of dollars under their overall deals. In the grand scheme of things, their concern can't be you. It's good humanity. But it's bad business.
I'm sure my friend, like many of my friends--and like me at one point--drinks the Kool Aid that he has to suffer through that to get to where he wants to get to. A lot of the folks I've seen in this business are great place holders. They're capable, but not out of bounds intelligent. They get the job done, but they're not going to ever be the leaders. And when you do have someone who is that amazing and that good but not ambitious enough to understand their value, they are undervalued. I have another friend who I saw a few days before who is one of the most intelligent, perceptive and nicest guys I've ever met, let alone worked with. He should be running development at a major studio or high level production company in town. But he's not. He's a "company man." And the company he works for doesn't even know how lucky it is to have him.
I've talked a lot with friends lately about how I don't want my next move to be about advancing my place in the hierarchy. My next move has to be about advancing my abilities. It has to be about being better, getting better and doing better. And that does not just have to be about talent and spirituality. It can and should be about money. Money is energy and direct focus towards where you want to be in life and how you see yourself. Money can keep you afloat. And money can keep you surviving. But if you use money to direct energy towards what you want and to make a statement about where you want to be in life and who you want to be in life, it can be incredibly powerful.
That's what I want to do.
I want money to direct energy towards what I want.
I want money to make a statement about where I want to be in life.
I want money to make a statement about who I want to be in life.
And to do that, I have to see it as energy and not just as currency.
So when I look around and when I get jealous of my friends, it's not because they are buying cars and houses. Sometimes it might be because they're traveling, because I believe that advances the spirit. It can. I get jealous of my friends who are putting energy towards what they love. I get jealous of the people who are doing what they have been put on this earth to do.
But I have to be fair.
I am writing every day.
I am making the statement with my energy about where I want to be in life. I have been sending in applications for fellowships, professor jobs, play development, scripts for people to read to hire me. I have put the time in to write this blog about my struggle and journey to focus on the person I want to be.
And just like money can be turned into energy to make a statement about where I want to be and who I want to be in life…
Energy can be turned into money.
And there is good energy and bad energy. There is good money and bad money. I know that.
I am crystal clear about what my intentions are.
Maybe that's why I am thinking about leaving LA.
I like my friend, but I don't want his life.
Maybe where the money shows up is where the energy shows up and that will tell me where I need to pull focus.
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