Great Advice

I'm at the age now where I'm giving advice as well as getting it.

I had the experience to give and receive today from two people I really respect. My friend, Tom, is an actor who I got to work with on a play workshop of mine. It's a play I LOVE and the experience of working with Tom was incredible. We haven't been in touch a lot in the past year and a half. But I found out today that his father just died in February. To look at him, with his enthusiasm and joy is remarkable. When we met almost two years ago at Priscilla's in Toluca Lake, we instantly got on. He's a kid from a solid family and a background that told him to work hard and he is. He's definitely a guy you meet and you think, "He's a star." He's moving to London soon to study acting. If I couldn't admire him enough already, that just made my admiration soar through the roof. He's going back to learn more about his craft. He's a real actor and he's tired of being told to take his shirt off - he knows that he's more than that.

In the same way that working with my students inspires me because of their optimism and freshness, talking to Tom awakened more optimism and hope within me.

Then I got to talk to my friend Elizabeth, who's a playwright and also a successful TV writer. I've gotten to know her over the past couple of years. First as a member of our writers group, and then as someone interested in me and my work. One of the reasons I admire Elizabeth is that she has managed to make a living as a successful TV writer and Co-Executive Producer and yet she still writes these weird plays. The two worlds are separate and as she explained to me yesterday, "I don't expect to make my living as a playwright. But if I did, I suppose I'd have to write very different plays." That statement was such a revelation. My whole playwriting career I've tried to get acceptance by the O'Neill, the Lark, the Playwrights Center, Sundance, Ojai, Cape Cod, Seven Devils or any number of different theatres or development organizations. I've been a finalist at a few places. But I'm never going to make a living as a playwright - mainly because there's no living to be made as a playwright. However, then I don't have to change the types of plays I write. Would I like to be produced? Yes. And now I have a theatre company that supports me - a company that already existed and has brought me into their fold. Even being a part of this theatre company, I realized that a theatre company's just a group of people who all have the same vision. They're just a group of people. They are not God. They are not even an institution. They're just people who agree - or work to agree. And if they're just people, then I will eventually find the people who agree with me. That releases me from a lot of things. That also means that networks, studios and production companies are just people too. And I can create an entity that agrees with me. But then again, that entity will just be composed of people. Somehow in that way, it makes it less intimidating.

I went off on a tangent, but one that's important to this conversation. I don't have to give my power away anymore to anyone. Even the folks with the big money. Even my manager - that's another conversation. My friend Elizabeth then had a lot of great practical advice for me. I'm writing a spec of a show that I love to get into programs that could help me. "They make it easier," she said. I've applied to these programs before without any luck. I thought that I wouldn't have to apply to them any more because I'm a Co-Producer on our show. But in some people's minds, it's "just a web series." I know that's not true. I know that I'm ready to hop on a show right now as a Story Editor or Executive Story Editor and burn the shit down. But my ego has been saying that I don't need it. What I realize is that we're in a time where diversity is a big buzz word. Unfortunately, it's a trend - which means that the trend cycle will eventually be over. But I need to hop on the trend while the ears are listening and the eyes are watching and reading. "Strike now," she said. She also had other key advice for me.

• Rewrite a pilot I had been working on - she said that I was really close to it being good. That I didn't need to start over and tear everything down. I just needed to fix what I had. That made all of this seem so less intimidating. She told me that I'm so ready to work in network television. And she should know. She has been doing it for thirteen years. That's the other thing about Elizabeth, she is incredibly honest, gracious and pragmatic. None of it's personal to her.
• "You've got three months." She didn't say this as a warning or even as a question to openly wonder if I could get it done in time. She said that in an affirmative way as if to say, "You've been working in TV. This is a doable deadline. Get it done." That wasn't really advice. But the advice was more about getting the work done and going for it.
• "Don't reinvent the wheel. It's television." She told me to steal the story beats from a show that the networks keep trying to replicate. Stealing's not an issue when you're surrounded by thieves. As creative people we tend to over mystify the process. Or here's what we do, we assume writing for television is the same as writing for ourselves. It's called staffing for a reason. You get a temp job and get staffed. So that means there are rules to follow and ways to be more successful or less successful. We get in our own way as creative types because we expect each job to fulfill us creatively.
• "Don't do that." - referring to expecting television to fulfill me creatively. The less personal I can make it the better. That's really why people succeed. They give to it, they do what's expected of them and they play the game. Then they get out. 
• "Have the things that fulfill you creatively so that TV doesn't have to." Yes, there are shows on the air that I consider art: Atlanta, The OA, Sense 8, Master of None, Louie, Baskets.  But even those shows are jobs. I didn't create any of those shows. So if I were lucky to staff on one of prestige shows, I'd still have to fulfill a creator's or a showrunner's vision. And that's okay. But writing a play means something different to me than writing on a TV show. That wasn't always the case. I expected one to satisfy me in the same way the other did. Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book Big Magic, "Support your creativity, don't expect it to support you." My creativity does not support me. My playwriting doesn't support me. I write plays because I love to be in a room with writers talking about my work and their work. I love my writers group. I love my theatre company. I love the companionship and the exchange of ideas. But I am not trying to make a career as a playwright. I actually think that's a mistake. More on that later. But it doesn't pay my bills. And it doesn't have to - as long as TV does.
• "A pilot just needs to show that story is possible." - I'm paraphrasing this one. But she basically said that a pilot needs to indicate that there is more story to be told from that well. And if you understand story, you understand how to lay that in a pilot. Again, an indicator that writing for television isn't writing in the muse-heavy way. It's meeting a deadline. It's figuring out a solution. It's mechanics. And because of that, it's impersonal. And because of that, it should be easy to get specs written quickly. They need to get you jobs. They don't need to win you the Emmy.
• "It has to look like a TV show." The pilot sample has to give the executives and the showrunner an indication that what you write is TV. As Elizabeth said, "The work has to pass through about five or six people before it gets to the showrunner. And they have to get it. The network, the studio, maybe the production company, your agent or manager. If it accomplishes the task of seeming like it's a TV show, then that gives people the confidence that you can do the job.
• "Write the thing that will give you the most chances of getting a TV job." There are a ton of cop, lawyer, medical shows. And there are certain things that people want. There are certain worlds that people are trying to break. Write those to get the meetings to get in the room. Again, there's a road map. Whether or not you choose to follow it is up to you. Now, a lot of this advice, if you don't have the benefit of hearing it directly from the source, sounds cynical maybe. Or it sounds reductive. Well, TV is reductive. Yet there are beautiful works of television that resonate with us. That doesn't exclude truth or authenticity. That doesn't mean that you can't write the passion project. That doesn't mean that you won't revolutionize television. But I don't know if you can set that out as a goal. The Shield, The Sopranos, The Wire (add to this advice, call your show The _________) are accidental revolutions. They were written from a place of honesty and they became something more. But those are all TV shows. Now it sounds like I'm giving advice. But a lot of this advice made sense to me. As I said to Elizabeth yesterday, I didn't know a lot of this stuff before I wrote on a show. I have a strong voice that I want to write in. I have a voice that needs to be kept sharp so that when it's time for me to create my own show, I'm not all rounded edges. But all of those things are true. And I might have heard some version of that from an agent or a manager along the way. When they said it, it insulted me. But knowing my friend, it sounds like a way to get the work done. Again, the job is to get staffed.

What Elizabeth didn't say, but what I got from our conversation was this -

It's up to me. I have the personality to be in a network room. I've worked in television and therefore have proven that I can do it. I have samples that just need to be tweaked. It is within my reach. Fix the problem - don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Every TV script is flawed and has to be repaired, but it can be done. Do the same with your samples. It's within my reach. I'm repeating that because I didn't get it the first time.

It's within my reach. 

If I don't do it, it's because I'm getting in my own way. It's because my ego is saying that my pilot has to be art. It's my ego that wants me to labor over everything to prove my worth. I'm already deserving. That's why you don't need to be a great artist to be a TV writer. That doesn't mean you don't need to be skilled. And that's not pejorative. It's actually hard to be a TV writer. But working hard does not make you an artist. You're an artist first - and that is a stroke of luck. That's the biggest stroke of luck. But where I have gone wrong is that I assumed that meant that I deserved to be a rich, successful, continuously working writer/producer. But you don't have to be an artist to be a TV writer - you do have to work your fucking ass off and you have to be relentless in your pursuit. That's why some people are successful and not talented - they work the system. It doesn't mean they don't deserve to be there, but they understand the code. Creative people don't always understand the code.

I think I take my friend's advice seriously because she's successful, but she's also at the heart of everything an artist. She hasn't sacrificed her art for the paycheck. She understands that they operate completely separately and she gives them each a room of their own. Sometimes I see playwrights whose work changes as a result of writing for TV. They've essentially forced these siblings to share a room.

Everything needs to be demystified. But that's difficult because we've mythologized the work of being an artist and confused that with the work of being a commercial writer. So we make it precious. Just like you have to be less precious with the writing itself, you have to be less precious with how you think about the writing. I'm learning that lesson.

I will say this. If I hadn't stuck to my vision, I wouldn't have written samples that are close to TV shows. I had to pull myself through the writing. I had to write all of those pilots. Otherwise, it's all formula. If I had just followed this advice, I wouldn't have written the play that has broken me open. I have a real voice - and real voices matter in TV. Yes, there are Amazon, Hulu, Netflix, FX, HBO and all of these prestige places to work and to sell work. And there's TV that's not TV. It doesn't mean that every sample has to fit the formula. But I have a leap I want to make. And in order to make that leap and then to have the freedom to look at my career from that vantage point and make the next move, I need to follow this advice. 

I also have to remember the refrain that my friend Adam used to repeat over and over again when we were coming up:

It's not called show friends, it's called show business.

Steven Pressfield put it differently. You can't be You to do business, you have to be You, Inc.

This will continue to sink in, but it was one of the most helpful business conversations I had. And that's from someone who wants me to succeed. Who thinks I have what it takes. And who has worked enough to know. This is practical knowledge, not just encouragement. 

My intention is to work in network television.

My intention is to not take it personally.

My intention is to be Me, Inc.

My intention is to do the work.

I am grateful for friends and family.

I am grateful that I got to see my godmother in Vegas for the day.

I am grateful that my heart is still open and my mind is still sharp.

I am grateful that I know I am capable of what I want, above all else.

Bad Advice

I have a natural proclivity to going against the grain. It's a natural rebellion. It's an innate sense of "I'm going to do the exact opposite of what people think I should do." It's stubborn. It's probably born in the fact that I am an Aquarian and my ruling planet is Uranus, which rotates on its axis (or in orbit) the opposite direction of all the other ruling planets. I am by nature a contrarian. That has served me and also hurt me at various points in my life. But I can't help but do the thing that my instinct tells me to do.

So where am I going with this?

Well, I have been working since January and haven't had time to work on new writing samples. I have had a pilot that I've been rewriting in fits and starts since the beginning of the year. And I've been working on theatre - when I should be working on new pilots. I now have this theatre company that I help run with a bunch of other people. None of this is for free - we all do it in our spare time because we all have jobs that actually pay us money. So even though I should be laser focused on TV and getting the next job, I'm producing readings and I'm about to direct my first play workshop in June. We're also producing a new play - hopefully in the Fall - that I will be VERY involved with.

But that's not even what I'm talking about. When I first started trying to break into TV, there was a rule: you wrote a spec script of an existing show as a sample. You usually had two or three specs in your arsenal. But the spec has fallen out of favor and now people are writing spec pilots, which are hard to do. But they're original material and any writer would rather write something they personally came up with. But it seems like the hard rule is "no one reads specs anymore." I went to a WGA event where a bunch of showrunners said they'd actually like to read specs because then they know that a writer can write in someone else's voice. I wasn't hired off of a spec script. I was hired from original material - a new play. And I'd rather use my time to write my original ideas.

But spec pilots take a long time. For me, they take longer than plays. So I'm going to do something crazy. I'm going to write a spec of a show I watch and apply with it to some of the studio programs. Even though I've been staffed, it might be a way to make a leap into network TV. And I can do it fast. I'm also thinking that I might write a one hour sample of an existing show as well. Because no one's doing it - and it will seem fresh - and will be easy to do. At least,  hope that will work. The problem with specs is that there are so many shows on the air that many people don't watch the same thing. It was different when there were only three channels on the air.

I'm going to write some specs. And instead of thinking about it like "Ugh, I have to write someone else's show", I'm going to think of it as an opportunity to write an episode of the show. Since I've written five episodes of TV in my short career so far, I know I can write an episode of a show. I'm hoping all of my skill building will translate into this script being super tight in a ridiculously short amount of time with few drafts. I'm hoping that is what I've learned - and that I can apply this knowledge into my sample work.

At the same time, I'm going to be working on new stuff. I'm going to be producing our writers workshops. I'm going to continue to overextend myself. Because I have a vision. I spent seven years learning about production and reading hundreds, if not thousands,  of scripts. I know how to make the thing. I'll continue to be great at production now that I've had production experience. I spent last summer on set learning how to produce instead of finishing a different pilot rewrite. I've done things that have enriched me instead of the things that feel immediately profitable - like getting another TV gig. But this move of writing this spec will be a step in the right direction. It's also giving me time to think about this new pilot I'm writing. It will give me a new script in a short amount of time to go along with the other script I'm rewriting - so I can have two new scripts at the end of the month.

But I'm choosing to have real enthusiasm about it. I'm getting to write an episode of my favorite show. I'm pretending that I got hired to write an episode of my favorite show. This is an adventure for me. The idea for the spec came real quick and I broke the story quickly. So now I'm in the middle of outlining from that break. And then I will have a detailed enough outline to write the script fairly quickly. I'm actually using the real process of breaking an episode to break this spec and write it. I'm also getting to use my experience of writing five episodes into this spec. I also just think I want the experience of writing something quickly and purely for fun without any of my personal investment in it. This spec's purpose is to find me a new TV job. It should do nothing but that. As much as I hated that before I staffed on a show, this feels like a great relief.

In both rooms, but especially in this last season of our show, we collectively with our showrunner created this series. I've had the experience of starting up with two new stories every year. It's impressive how we got so much done in such a short period of time. And now I get to see that skill at work with creating sample episodes of a series. I can now imagine what I would do if I was on the staff of the show because I've been on the staff of a show. It changes my perspective entirely. And I'm going to test out this theory that people are ready to read specs again. It certainly won't be true all of the time, and I'm counting on my manager using my original plays and my experience working on a show as an example that I can write on a TV show and have original thoughts.

But that's an against the grain approach. I also feel that if everyone is going one way, it's leaving a path wide open. So I'm going to try this. It wouldn't be the advice you would give someone. But I can't help but want to do the opposite of what other people are doing.

I'm trying a new approach if the other thing isn't working. It's taking me too long to write and come up with new pilot ideas. I need to churn out more material. And I can write specs quickly. So we'll try this. And if this doesn't work, then we'll try something else. But I need to be flexible in my approach to getting my next staff job.

My intention is flexibility.
My intention is growth.
My intention is to try new things.
My intention is to find the open door.

I am grateful for the skills I've learned being on staff.
I am grateful for the love I have with my friends.
I am grateful for my ability to not stop working.

Challenged

For several years, I've been doing these writing challenges. They started with my playwrights group, The Playwrights Union, doing a February write a play in a month challenge. I've done four of them. And we've also done a Pilot Writing Challenge, which I started. I've done three of those.

I called last year my Year of Challenges and I started out with the goal of performing one challenge a month. I did pretty well, but adjusted my plan when I got staffed on a show. Then I had all sorts of productivity that had nothing to do with self-imposed deadlines. My Challenges had to do with work.

I started this year with a job. I was working on the second year of our show and I was teaching. Actually, I had two jobs. That took up all of my time from January through this month. Now I find myself in a position where I have time again to work on my own stuff. I also have no pay check - so I'd better work on my own stuff.

I want to get the next gig and I have to produce new material. And I have the summer to work before I teach two classes in the Fall. So now I find myself in another position where I need to give myself Challenges.

I am writing a spec script and finishing a pilot this month. I am working on outline for the spec and expect to work on it this week. The other script I will finish as well.

Then in June, I've got a play workshop I'm directing. And I need to outline a new spec pilot I'm working on. I also have another idea for a soapy one hour drama that could be fun to write. I will make time to do some exploratory work on that.

In July, I will write the new spec pilot. And outline the second spec pilot.

In August, I will write the second spec pilot. And then I'll see what else I want to do. I have a new play I also want to write. Then I will start teaching again.

Can I handle four months of writing challenges? Yeah, I can. I've been working on staff for two years and I know how to write fast. I need to plan some get aways and writers retreats to get this work done. Might have a script payment coming in that will help fund this summer of writing. I have plenty of places I can go to. It would be nice to do an extended trip to San Francisco or to Portland. I need to make time to get away and get writing done.

My intention is to be productive.
My intention is to focus.
My intention is to enjoy myself.

I am grateful for the time to write.
I am grateful for the interest in my writing.
I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful for the people coming back into my life.

Hard to Believe

Last night, I was out an an event for a theatre company I worked with in New York that is expanding its presence here in LA.

I saw a bunch of people, but I also caught up with an old boss of mine. We talked about what I'm up to and what he's up to - his clients are behind six pilots this year that are waiting for pick ups. I just finished up year two on my show as a Co-Producer this year. He looked at me, proud. I said that this is what I've been wanting to do for so long. I also help run a theatre company. And I teach. I'm hitting every area I've wanted to be involved in.

Seven years ago I was working for him. And I had worked there for seven years. I wanted to do this for so long and sometimes I forget to be grateful. I get caught up in everything I have to do and all the demands I feel are made on me. About six years ago this June I got off the hamster wheel of the business. I was tired of running on the treadmill of trying to make it with little success. It led me down a path of falling back in love with writing and having success with this version of myself. And in order to do that, I had to get back on the treadmill. It's different this time around because I understand my value in a way I didn't previously. I'm presenting a version of myself that's more truthful and therefore more vulnerable.

But to get there a lot of things had to happen over several years. Five years ago, my Dad died. That changed my priorities completely. It also opened me up to the idea that life could be whatever I decided to make it. It also unlocked a fierceness in me that I hadn't allowed to be present before. I could be a motherfucker - and I kind of liked it. My father would say that prepared me for a life in this business. He would be happy that I've got a dickish side to me for sure. It means that no one fucks with me. Four years ago, I stopped going to weekly therapy. I was still dealing with my grief. I decided that I would take my grief on and deal with it head on. Fortunately, I was on unemployment and managed to stretch the finances a bit. Three years ago, I decided to make room for writing on a serious level. I both decided to become more of a professional and at the same time opened myself up to the possibility that writing would just be something I loved to do and that's all it had to be. During my Dad's illness it became a means of survival. And if that's all it was, that would be fine. I would find another way to make money. I had an office for about six months. I started subbing for a friend of mine at San Diego State. I also seriously started meditating. I wrote five scripts that year. Two years ago, I spent time working on a new play and would constantly say to friends, "I don't care if this thing gets produced." I spent eight months working on it. I made no money that year. I decided I needed to mix things up and applied to all sorts of jobs. I was trying to get teaching gigs, but couldn't get arrested. I almost got a job in Portland as a literary manager at a theatre. I was ready to leave LA for new adventures. I was committed to finding work. But nothing was happening, so I kept working on the play. That play was fantastic and would end up getting me my first TV job the following year. It opened up a lot of doors. It also helped me grow as a writer.

Last year, I got my first TV job. I wrote another play that broke me open as a human being, about the year spent with my Dad while he was dying. I was asked to join a theatre company. It was a big year of transition. I broke up with my boyfriend of four and a half years. I found out he started dating someone a month after we broke up. Last year was such a banner year and so many things happened that were unexpected. I also joined the WGA last year. I wrote two episodes of our show, which became three episodes of our show after our finale, which I wrote, became two episodes. I got single credit for all three of those episodes.

So when I say I can't believe that I'm here, it's true. But I have to break it down like I just did to experience the gratitude that comes with knowing I've accomplished so much in the past seven years. I decided to live my truth. I decided to live by my own rules and it took me a long road to get there. But I am grateful for every year, month, week, day, hour, minute and second of that journey. I'm truly grateful for all of it because each moment is etched in my DNA. I have to remember the road because it makes me appreciate everything happening now. When I was on the hamster wheel before, I didn't know how good I had it. I had never lived a life where I could appreciate my accomplishments.

I remember finding a certificate years ago when we were going through my Dad's things. The certificate acknowledged that I had been in the top 1% of all applicants to my high school that year as an eighth grader. I was in the 99th percentile of everyone who had applied that year. I remember finding that and wondering why I had lived my life up to that point as the bottom one percent versus the top one percent. I wanted to be that person. That was a goal.

And now I live that. I sometimes forget. But I mainly try to live as that person. I am a fucking Co-Producer on a TV show and if I don't appreciate it, how can I expect anyone else to? I'm a baller, a shot caller. Actually, I'm a freeballer. I'm  reminded of that whenever I meet with my students. I had a student last year ask me, "How does it feel?" How does what feel, I asked him back. "How does it feel to be doing the thing you set out to do. How does that feel?"

I was blown away by the question. I was humbled that he saw me that way. And then I realized he was right. I did do the things I set out to do. I continue to do the things I set out to do. I will get the next job and the next one after that and I will relish those experiences - both good and bad.  When I meet people, they're impressed. And that's okay. Sometimes I'll wish I was further along or I'll down play an accomplishment and then someone will say to me, "I wish I was where you are."

It shouldn't be hard to believe. It should be hard not to lose it with gratitude. It should be hard not to burst into tears. And sometimes I do that too.

Last year, at the reading of my Dad play, I was receiving a round of applause. I was embarrassed, as I usually am. And then a friend of mine gave me a thumbs up, like they were saying, "You did it." I LOST IT. I burst into tears for two minutes and I couldn't stop. I wrote something that meant something to people. I also became the person capable of writing that play. I put everything into it and when I was done, I cried uncontrollably. It was really overwhelming. In that moment, I was living like that one percenter. I was so grateful I had stopped being afraid.

And that's sometimes hard to believe. That I let go of that fear. But I did and now it's time to move on and do the next great thing.

My intention is to feel.
My intention is to grow.
My intention is to be okay.
My intention is to smile through it.

I am grateful for the two years I've been on our show.
I am grateful that people listen to me.
I am grateful to be a leader among friends.
I am grateful to be loved.
I am grateful that my life is the life of my choosing.

I am Latino

I have been Latino my whole life.

But it hasn't been until now that I really felt embraced. As a member of the Writers Guild, I have the opportunity to attend different meetings for various groups I belong to. In addition to being Latino, I am gay and Asian. So I attend the Latino, LGBT and Asian Writers Committees. The group that's the best organized is the Latino Writers Committee. I've been attending the meetings for the past several months and I've been going to their events as well. So far I have attended a Meet and Greet with Current Executives and with Showrunners. I have gone to a gathering with CBS Studios executives as well. I am learning the landscape as I attend these various meetings. I'm beginning to understand my place within these groups.

I know that the older generation has a different agenda than I do. Their experiences are different from my own. I know that the women have a different experience than I do. And I find myself gravitating towards the gay Latino male writers. We have even decided to start meeting up together. I struck up a conversation with another gay Latino writer after the CBS event, which may or may not be flirting. But I've never had the experience of feeling like these people were mi gente. And even with the limited Spanish I speak, writing something like mi gente (my people) makes me feel closer.

I struggled with whether or not I was a Latino writer because I don't always write about Latino things. And sometimes I do. But I never felt like my experience was rooted in any real Latino experience. What does it mean to be Latino anyway? I feel like I've struggled with that for a long time. I don't speak Spanish. I don't have a Mexican last name. I started using my Grandmother's maiden name as my middle name about two years ago I think. I think that the Pacific Playwrights Festival two years ago was when I decided to add her maiden name to my name. And that festival is coming up this weekend. That's really the moment when everything changed - the moment when I decided that I would use her maiden name in addition to my last name. I wanted people to see that I am both Asian and Latino. I embraced my full identity then. And it has had major resonance since. I have only gotten jobs in TV after using this new name. I have been introduced to major circles with this new name. It's like I wasn't embracing who I fully am before this.

I remember having the conversation with my Mom about it. The thought occurred to me one day and I felt like I needed to run it by her. Of course, she thought it was a wonderful idea. I talked to my friends. I talked to my brother. I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. And when I saw it written out on a name badge for the first time, I thought - "This is me." I am an Angloized Mexican Chinese American Man. This represents everything I am about. You look at my name on a script and you get a large part of my story without having to talk to me. It's efficient.

I was so used to people meeting me and looking at me and asking, "What are you?" Some people are offended by that question. I have to admit I was never fully offended. I thought it was a little rude. But I understood that people couldn't place me. And now I embrace that. I'm not categorizable. I'm not easily put into a box. I used to fight that. And now I embrace it. I am three different minority groups. I have been anglofied by my experiences. But that does not mean I am white. It does not mean I am white. I am very clear on that. I am brown and yellow and lavender. And I am a bunch of other things because those colors have mixed and separate from those colors.

But being Latino matters to me. Because I have a Chinese last name I haven't felt as embraced. Because I don't look Latino to everyone, I have felt like I've been excluded from that identity. Although, if people ask me if I align with one side over the other, I would admit that I feel more Latino. I don't know if that's wrong to say or feel. But it's the truth. My grandmother was a huge influence on me. So it makes sense that I would use her last name.

I met with a manager a year and a half ago who said that I carried a lot of baggage with me because I used to work for this well known person in the industry. He said that because of that people would be looking at me a certain way and that it was detrimental. He thought I should use a different name. I said I already was using my Grandmother's maiden name. He thought I should drop my last name. It was the most cynical conversation. So I had to deny my experiences and my identity in order to prostitute myself to work in the industry. A month and a half later, I was working under my full name.

No one's an asshole intentionally. I guess some people who are really mean are. But most people aren't. They're assholes without realizing it. And this guy was being an asshole. He had been a friend. We knew each other as assistants. He was very successful and on the surface was a really nice guy. But he said a total asshole thing to me - as an "expert." But what I learned was that he wasn't an expert on me. I am an expert on me. He offered an opinion "as a friend." And that's when we're the most vulnerable. When someone comes to us "as a friend" because they're "just looking out" or they "only want to help." I invited him into my circle of trust. I reached out because I wanted advice, so I put myself in that position. I was a few days fresh out of a relationship, so I was really vulnerable. And then he dropped that bomb on me - no one's going to want to work with me because I've got baggage, so I need to do something about it if I even want to work.

The truth is that he knew me for a long time. And he's got the baggage. He didn't know me anymore, however.  And I became a better writer in the time since that meeting. If I had listened to him and given up, I would have been in a much different place. I got hired to work on my first show a month and a half later. I am teaching under that full name. I am living and existing under that full name. I am living my full self.

Yes, I am feeling more connected to my Latino side than ever. But that's the side that has gotten the least amount of press. Because I have signaled to the world that I am also Latino, I have been embraced by that side. And by nature, we're a warm people who believe in family. We embrace each other as family because of shared experiences. We're a loyal bunch. And we believe in raising each other up. We're going to be a strong force in the world because we believe we need to stick together. I'm feeling that energy a lot right now.

If I hadn't signaled that part of me, I wouldn't be embraced. It's weird that it takes something like a last name for people to believe you. But I no longer have to explain that I am ALSO Latino. It's right there when you read my name badge or see my name on a script or hear me introduce myself. And every time it appears or is heard, I am proclaiming myself to be. I am claiming who I am. I am acknowledging the fullness of who I am. And for that I am successful.

My intention is fullness.
My intention is to be everything.
My intention is embracing.
My intention is growth and expansion.

I am grateful for mi gente.
I am grateful for new friendships.
I am grateful to love all parts of myself.

A Free Moment

Life has kind of calmed down a bit.

For the moment. I'm sitting at the West Hollywood library - the site of many a writing session alone or with my friends Carrie, Larry, and Andrea at various times. I'm sitting here on my new MacBook Pro. I just got back from lunch with my friend, Dan - someone I've known for years and have wanted to catch up with for some time.

I actually have a moment to catch my breath. Since January 3rd, I've been working. And that has been an excellent thing. Our show is currently in production and they don't need me as much. I feel like I've been neglecting my students. My friends all tell me that they probably don't feel that way. But I'm used to being there to answer their emails at all hours or coming in early to meet with them. I've had to limit my office hours to the designated times and I've been putting off grading their assignments until later in the week. It hasn't been as easy to be the teacher I want to be for them.

But that's because I'm busy being the TV writer I want to be for myself. I couldn't be happier to be this busy. I'm developing new plays with my theatre company. I'm going to attend a national theatre conference in June in Portland. I'll get to see my brother and his family while I'm there as well. I need to make plans for May - maybe to go to Vegas to see my godmother or to go up to San Francisco to see friends.

Finally having some time to think will allow me to get work done. I feel like I've been running on empty a lot lately. I'll be back on set for the last few days of production in about two weeks, but for now, I can just readjust and see what work needs to be done.

I have a pilot to put the finish touches on - been doing that for the past two months.
I have a new pilot to write.
Maybe I have a spec to write.
I have a play that I want to continue working on - but I may even turn that into a pilot.
There's stuff to do.
I'm also directing a workshop in June.

I've given myself a lot of work to do and maybe not a lot of time to myself. My friend Dan and I were talking at lunch about having time to just chill the fuck out and let things happen. It's so easy to just fill space with nonsense. Sometimes it's important to be alone and relaxed. It's important to have days where you just blog and stare out the window at the beautiful city you live in. Not every day needs to be one where you get 25 pages of your pilot written. I need to be doing some more working out. I need to start watching my diet again. I need to have a little more self care. It's the time to do that. I had a little respite last month in Vancouver, but then I had to get back to work right away and then right back into production. So it was three weeks of a lot of panic and craziness.

I have class once a week for the next four weeks. That should be good enough. I have to finish this pilot. I feel like I don't have anything else hanging over me to get that done.

I'm usually not good with time on my hands. I get antsy. I get impatient. I get depressed. But today's okay. It's Wednesday. I'm going to stay here at the library and wait traffic out a bit. Then I'm going to chill the fuck out and watch Real Housewives of New York at home and get a good night's sleep before teaching tomorrow afternoon in San Diego. I don't have to get up early. I can head out the door at 10:30 AM. And I can relax on the drive down until I have office hours and then six hours of teaching. But until then - I'm going to take things at my own pace.

My intention is relaxation.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is self care.
My intention is rejuvenation.
My intention is calm.

I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for Wednesday afternoons.
I am grateful for knowing what I want.
I am grateful for good lunches at old restaurants.

Back, back, forth and forth

It's Spring and I still feel like hibernating.

As I'm getting older, I'm embracing the writer/loner/curmudgeon in me. I have to be a social butterfly on set. But the more I have to show up in my life, the more I need time to not show up. I need my alone time now more than ever. I often wonder if that feeling will ever plateau. Because being alone and spending time up in Portland doing nothing but reading books and hanging out with my niece and nephews is sounding more and more attractive - as long as I have an endless supply of money to live on.

(smiles)

Isn't that always the catch? I work because I have to and because I love to. I would be a mess if I wasn't a creative collaborator. I love hanging with my actors on set. I love flirting with the PAs and complaining about eating too many cookies and chips in the afternoon. I really do love it. I love having my headphones on set and chatting with my director about certain shots. I really love production. It's lonely to be a writer and have to force yourself to get shit done.

Yet...I love being by myself. I need to recharge. On Saturday, all I wanted to do was sleep in (7:45 AM is sleeping in for me - that's sad). I didn't do any work but I went to a party, to dinner and then to see a show with friends. On Sunday, I went to a Korean Spa and worked on some revisions for my pilot I've been revising for forever. And now I'm at a different K Spa waiting for my lunch and working on the same project.

I need to plan my next trip. I went to Vancouver last month, but any relaxation I felt from that was quickly swallowed up by having to head back to work for an emergency week and a half in the writers room. But that trip was pretty glorious. I explored a city I didn't know very well. I had lunch by myself while my best friend was at work. I hung out on her set while she was working. It was a pretty great trip.

The guild might be heading toward a strike and a big part of me is excited about a break, if that happens. I'm still teaching, which is both providing me with a steady income and preventing me from getting rest or having downtime. But I have to remember that I HATE downtime. I'm much better complaining about having too much than having too little to do. I'd love to go straight to work after the semester is done at school. I'd also love to have the strike to get some stuff done and to get on a show in the summer.

I'm so indecisive when it comes to what I want to do next. I could take a break and go see my brother and his family in Portland. I could also go up to SF and catch up with friends. I have these fantasies about going to SF for an extended period of time and seeing shows in Berkeley and the city and going to see friends in Santa Clara. Having great dinners over with pals. I have these intense fantasies of a leisurely writers life - with a trust fund.

The psychic told me almost a year ago that I would be busier than I thought possible. And at some point I'd take a break and be financially stable enough to do that. The truth is, I love the action. This is what I've wanted my whole career - to have a lot of balls in the air. I can't complain because I've got too much to do. But it was great to just have a Saturday to see friends and to hang out. But it's great to have the whole day on set and to feel like my presence matters. It's also great to have the freedom to head to the K Spa on a Monday and work before I have to head to a meeting for my theatre company.

I shouldn't complain. So I won't.

My intention is grace.
My intention is gratitude.
My intention is to work.
My intention is productivity.
My intention is patience.

I am grateful for this new computer.
I am grateful for the day to work on my pilot.
I am grateful for my students.
I am grateful for things to look forward to.
I am grateful for income.