Being Good Isn't Good Enough

Listen to this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjyfMydFlnY

It's a song from "Hallelujah, Baby", sung by Lea Michele from the TV show Glee.  Her character, Rachel Berry, is giving a performance at a Winter Showcase at NYADA, the fictional New York drama school.  It's a big deal.  She's blossoming as a student there and is regarded as the best First Year student they have.  It's also going to her head, which is what this performance shows.   Yet, I love this song because it's a blossoming of someone's potential.  You can see their soul coming alive.  It's what I see when I watch Jennifer Hudson.  The rest is up to them.  How they corrupt that soul awakening or protect it is entirely up to them.

As it is up to us, every day.  One day at a time.

I thought about those lyrics on my way to the office this morning,

"Being good won't be good enough. I'll be the best or nothing at all."

I'm working on this new screenplay that's about my childhood.  It started out as an idea for a play, then I got an opportunity to submit a screenplay for a competition.  I was invited to do so by a group that had been soliciting me for awhile.  But I never had a screenplay or even an idea for one.  This idea so lends itself to what this competition is about that I felt compelled to write this screenplay in a month to submit.  It felt like a sign.

I spent a moment thinking about whether or not I could do it.  Thirty days to write anything is not a lot of time.  Would it feel rushed?  Would it be good?

Then I remembered something I realized when I was working on three different writing projects in May.  "Good" is not the goal.  Finishing is.  Now when I say that good is not the goal, I don't mean that I shouldn't give my best to it.  I shouldn't blow it off until the last minute.  I shouldn't put something together piecemeal without a lot of care and attention.

I am at the office every day.
I am writing pages.
If I'm not writing pages, I'm working on the outline.
If I'm not doing those things, I'm watching movies to research.
Or I'm on the internet doing research.
Or I'm talking out the story with my office mate.
In other words, I am doing the work constantly.

That is giving my best.

I'll be the best or nothing at all.

Got it.

But what about being good?

Good's an interesting concept.  Sometimes I can get too wrapped up in how good something needs to be that I never finish it.  I can get too precious.  Who defines good?  Do I want to get it done so I can get it into my agent or manager and they can tell me whether or not this script, which I've been working on for a month meets their standards and expectations?  I have studied.  I have broken down scripts.  I have watched plays, movies and TV shows.  I have read books.  I have very rich soil I am standing on. I know what I am doing.  The story comes from me, it comes from my heart.  I know how to build the vessel to communicate the message.

So being good isn't good enough because it means that I am only looking for approval.  It means that I am only accomplished if someone else says I am accomplished.  That someone could be the face on high denominations of currency.  Or it could be the person who signs my checks.

Seeking approval isn't good enough.  I have to be the best and know it.  Or nothing at all.

Or being good isn't the same as being good enough.  If you've achieved your standard, who cares what someone else thinks?  If you've done the work.  That's should be the standard.

Again:

You can take credit for your labor, but not the fruits of your labor.  It's all goes back to that.

I have to remind myself of that every day.  One day at a time.  Because it's destructive to place my worth and value in the hands of other people.  To just give it away.  To literally whore yourself out to be used and discarded.

And I only say that because I have willingly, happily, non discriminately given myself away.  It's horrifying period.  But it's extra horrifying when you wake up and didn't realize you had done it.

I am grateful for knowing myself better today than yesterday.
I am grateful that I am learning not to seek others approval.
I am grateful that I have designated places to go for refuge.
I am grateful for the happiness that this way of thinking brings.
I am grateful to have set myself free.
I am grateful that I am excited to go to my office every day.