Why It Doesn't Matter What Other People Think of Me

Because I like myself and I am satisfied on a daily basis.

That's the quick easy answer.  But how did I get on the path to figuring that out?

A long time ago, I came back to LA armed with an MFA from NYU.  I had achieved the ultimate academic goal.  I got the degree I wanted from arguably the best school in the country for what I wanted to do.  And if not the best school, definitely in the top five.  I had done that on a full scholarship.  I had accomplished the things I set out to do.  So I felt like that entitled me to everything.

I didn't get everything.

I didn't get the instant agent.
I didn't get the instant staff job.
I didn't get the instant money.
I didn't get the instant clear and obvious path to financial success.

But I got to work.
I worked for a prominent manager, hoping to learn the business to be better equipped.
I got that knowledge.
I wrote script and after script despite having to work 50-60 hours a week.
I probably would have been more productive had I not had to work.
I was developing a practice of self motivation.
And motivation among chaos.
Nothing happened in my career.
Yes, meetings.
Yes, I was "up" for jobs.  But I'm not even sure what that meant.
Then anxiety set in.  Fear set in.
Time was passing and the instant wasn't even a probable idea any more.
Because I was looking for it.
And I got disappointed because every opportunity didn't lead to success.
Then I was writing stuff I didn't care about.
I let other people dictate to me what I should be writing
and it led me further and further astray from what I loved.

Then I left that job.
I got a better job where I was appreciated.
That job finished.
It didn't lead to where I thought it was going to lead,
despite having the most amazing supportive bosses in the world
who let me shine.

Then life changes.
Bye boyfriend.
Bye old boss.
Bye dad.

Through all of this I was writing.

Then the spiritual changes.
The change of expectation.
An awakening.

I had to confront what I wanted writing to be.

I decided that I wanted it to be fulfilling.
I decided that I wanted to do it all of the time.
I decided that the act of creating was enough.

And now I have that.
I go to my office and I write all day.
I write things I love.
This year everything I wrote I love.
I loved writing all of those scripts.
I loved researching.
I loved talking about the ideas.
I loved coming up with the ideas.
I loved feeling like I was using my creative muscles and that they were growing and making me stronger.

And that's why it doesn't matter what other people think of me.
Because I am writing a lot.
I am becoming the fullest version of myself through writing.
And that is the reward.
Will I run out of room in my current place and want a bigger house
(literally and metaphorically)?
Yes.
Will I need a bigger platform.
Eventually.
Will that lead to byproducts of financial gain.
Possibly.
But I am living the reward now.
And when more is required, more will come.

I'm where I need to be now.
And when I need to be more,
then in that moment that will happen.

How do I know this?

I am arriving at where I need to be and then it makes sense.
That's how I know.
I didn't work for that knowledge.
Life happened.
The answers presented themselves.
I accepted the answers.

I am grateful for self knowledge.
I am grateful for awareness.
I am grateful to be working happily.