(I hope)
You're not an asshole. You're one of the sweetest people I know.
You're so generous. And kind. And lovely…
Well, if you think that, you're not one of the following:
- Any family member of mine (especially my Mother)
- My boyfriend (current or former)
- Someone I've worked with
I reserve that limited-edition part of my personality to people I happen to be very close (or in close proximity) to. To be fair to myself, I am not an asshole 100% of the time. But right now, I'm kind of an asshole.
I'm working on a screenplay that's due in September. And I'm writing it swiftly. In about five weeks.
Okay, if you're Nic Pizzolatto, that might not seem like a short amount of time. I just read in The Hollywood Reporter that he wrote six scripts in a month. That guy must be a real asshole. So in this instance, I'm more than happy to say that I'm no Nic Pizzolatto.
I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to a lot of people. (Tim, this does not apply to you. I adore you and technically we don't work together, even though we share an office space.) Other writers, I'm okay with. Because they understand the asshole zone. I know writers don't own the patent on the asshole zone while they're working. But, at least with other writers, we know where the land mines are and how to avoid them.
My boyfriend is so nice and he always wants me to be nice. He told me the other day that I don't have to be such a dick when I'm working. And I wanted to tell him (I kind of did, softly, in a text earlier):
Yes. Yes, I do.
I claim my dickhood. That's different from my dick hood. I can't claim that. I'm circumcised.
My tarot card reading from a week ago even supported my dickhood.
You're a writer.
Your cutting ruthlessness is about getting rid of what is useless.
You're the head of your own company.
You rarely vacilate.
And somewhere else it said:
Your temperamental behavior is simply a part of who you are.
Don't lose that.
Your work is very important now.
I feel like directing my boyfriend to my tarot reading. But then I feel like that would be like using a bible verse to justify behavior. And that would seem hypocritical of me.
I have had the "good son" syndrome my whole life. I wanted to be the good boy for everyone to make them feel better. I never wanted to burden anyone with my problems or my difficulties. I always put that on the back burner.
But one of my life's experiences right now is that I have established a space for myself. I have a physical office in which to work. A place to go to and be myself. But along with that physical space, comes a mental and emotional space I need to carve out for myself as well. And in that space, I can behave any way I want to.
I remember years ago, when I was a student playwright, I studied with the great Erik Ehn who said to me:
No one cares how the work gets done.
As long as it gets done.
And this is from one of the nicest people I've ever met. And arguably the most talented. Apparently, I was grappling with my assholeness for years.
Just to clarify, I am not talking about being an ego maniac. Or blowing up at people for the sake of setting up a hierarchical relationship.
I am talking about the frustration that is created from knowing that you are giving birth to something that didn't exist before. I am talking about that grimaced look when you are wrestling with an idea that's not turning out the way you want it to. I'm talking about that desperate state you enter when no amount of food, drugs, cigarettes, or masturbation can help bring this nothing that was barely a thought a minute ago into being. I'm talking about labor pains.
It makes you mad. I'm sorry, but there's no way around it. And hiding it, for the sake of not upsetting someone, takes too much energy. But more importantly, it's a denial of yourself.
And then you have to ask, why would someone want me to deny myself? Because it makes them feel better? Because it makes them nervous. Because they don't want to hear it. Because it's too painful. Because they're denying themselves.
Well…
I realized that I should have just left yesterday when I said I was going to leave. I should have gone to my friend's house in the Hills. I should have gone on a run. Or meditated. Or worked out. I should have just left. But instead I stayed and was a total jerk all night. And even when I wasn't trying to be a jerk, I just laid quiet, making things uncomfortable. But I didn't leave because I didn't want to create a bigger deal.
Now I realize I was denying myself in so many ways. To make someone else feel comfortable. And I wasn't making it good for anyone.
So now I'm going to take off for a few days. Just my office and this place in the hills.
It's what I did in May when I knew I had a major deadline of three scripts I had to write in a month. And I was wonderfully fantastic to my friend Molly. We had a great time and we both helped each other out in getting our work done. But if I had stayed, I would have been the biggest asshole to my boyfriend. Kind of like yesterday.
So I'm better if I run off to the woods to turn green…or to howl at the moon. Then I can return when my body and mind have reverted back to normal.
In the meantime, I'm going to watch this on a loop. It makes me very happy:
I am grateful to know myself.
I am grateful for other writer friends who get me.
I am grateful for the pleasant moments in life.
I am grateful for moments of solitude.
I am grateful for moments of peace.
I am grateful for You Tube dance videos.
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