The Journey

I don't know what's happening to me.

I probably didn't get a job I really wanted and I'm not that upset about it. Not in a "fuck them" sort of way. Or in a Pollyanna "that's life" way either. It's all of this damn gratitude work I'm doing. There's this well worn trope that says that we need to redefine our idea of success. It sounds so cheesy. Because...how the fuck do you do that? But that's exactly what I did. The success isn't getting the job. The success is doing all the work to get the job. It's knowing that I opened my heart and spoke from a real place of vulnerability. That I can do that in a Hollywood meeting is a great success. That I'm not afraid to express myself is a great success. I can appreciate that.

I know I gave good meeting. I know that I have the depth of character to write a show like that. But I didn't get it. And I have a job that starts at the end of the month that I have to prepare for. I'm a professor and I get to go back to that. I could be disappointed that I didn't get this job, but that means I get to spend another week in Portland with friends and family. I get to go to my nephew's dance performance tomorrow. And I get to go to the coffee shop with my niece and sit side by side doing work. I get to go hiking on Saturday and baby sit on Saturday night while my brother and sister-in-law go out of town. I get to have a three way on Monday (and hopefully Tuesday and Wednesday). I get to be in town a little while longer researching this new project. I get to act as though I live here and absorb everything I'm experiencing and use it as material. As Nora Ephron said, "Everything is copy."

Here are my successes:

• I decided three years ago that if I wanted to be a TV writer, then I had to give myself the schedule of a TV writer. So I started writing all of the time. And I moved from project to project. 
• I kept an office for six months that year (2014). And I wrote.
• I wrote five scripts that year - proving that I could be self motivated.
• I said yes to being my friend's on call sub that year. I think she called me four times.
• The following year, I spent eight months working on one script.
• I stood up for myself and made a lot of demands of a lot of people. I was a pain in the ass.
• The play reading and workshop were both successful and cited as a model of what to do.
• Because I worked on one script all year, I wrote two more scripts in the last three months of the year.
• I wrote 2000 pages that year. Up from 1000 the year before.
• The next year, I decided to focus more on myself.
• I got my first TV job.
• I got to be on set and produce.
• I got noticed.
• I joined the WGA.
• I was asked to teach one course that spring and then I was put on the schedule on my own that following fall.
• I started co-running a theatre company. I made new community.
• When the show came back this year, I was made a Co-Producer.
• I taught two classes this past winter and spring.
• I rewrote a script I had been working on for a long time.
• And I got a meeting on a show.

All of those other things led to where I am now. And it started over three years ago! It wasn't the year after my Dad's death or eight years ago. It took awhile. But everything I've listed above has to do with where I am not.

My intention is to listen.

My intention is to pay attention.

My intention is effect change in what I do.

I am grateful for the ability to be grateful.

I am grateful for a quiet and dark house.

I am grateful that I can get work done.

I am grateful for the good people in my life.

Visions

My friend Susan always does visualizations. There was a time where I thought she was crazy. But there is something to visualizing something for yourself and then bringing it to fruition. With all of this unlimited thinking and letting the Universe dream a bigger dream than you can dream for yourself, how to visualize can be confusing. What if I'm doing it wrong?

I feel the same way about meditation. It took me a full year to decide to meditate before I started doing it. It felt intimidating and like everything was banking on me doing it right. That was enough for me to not do it. But once I just committed to it, it was fine. I feel the same way about visualization. But for me, visualization is about paying attention to how I'm living my life. There might be things I do in one area of my life that are applicable to other areas of my life. So in that case, the visualization is paying attention to what I'm doing in these other aspects of my life.

I did a recent meditation about being a visionary. And in it, I was advised to let it rip in terms of explaining the vision I have for myself. What I loved about the meditation was that community was a part of that vision. Five or six years ago, I had no community in LA. I had no circle of other playwright friends who inspired me. Now, I am at the center of a community.

I was talking to my friend Cory earlier today about a group that everyone wants to get into run by a big theatre in town. I've had conversations with countless friends over the years about why they're not in that group. I've asked myself that question as well. But then I started taking not being included as a badge of honor. I'm not a celebrity playwright - is there any such thing? I've got plenty of playwright friends who are celebrities and I love them. But that's luck as well as talent. I've created something with Chalk Rep, my theatre company, that I feel is really beautiful. We've got a group of writers and actors who come together to create some really cool work. It's a curated group, but it's a group that works because the people in it are open hearted and really care about each other.

I decided to stop being excluded and to start including people in my group. The other group is incredibly exclusionary and it works on its own terms. But it doesn't matter to me how it's run because I don't run it. I run MY group. And if someone told me how to run it, I'd probably kick them in the balls. So I respect the fact that the other group is uncompromising in its approach. But their style just isn't my style. The point is that I created me own thing that is now being shaped by my vision for it. The group existed before me and I didn't take it over right away. But now that I have the reigns, I have some ideas.

What started it all for me was the Playwrights Union, which is a collective of 30 LA-based playwrights who do writing challenges and have events. It's an incredible social group of other writers. I met some of my close friends in that group and it really helped me out at a time when I needed community. I am going from active status to alumni status with the group. I now feel like I have enough community that another playwright who needs community needs to take that spot. I've got my writers group, plus my gay Latino writers collective and I'm also a member of the WGA and that's a huge community. I have all of these networks of people and it's about creating larger networks of support.

So when I have this vision of the things I want to do or what I want to have in my life, I'm already there. I've got groups I'm a part of and groups I'm curating. My taste is being represented in the groups I participate in. I get together with my close pals and we share work with each other. So I can visualize just by living my life, knowing that what I have I want more of and on a larger scale. I'm living the life I want to be living. And now it's about living more of it.

My intention is to grow.
My intention is to relax.
My intention is to be present.

I am grateful for time away.
I am grateful for ice cream.
I am grateful for a quiet house.

Breaks are Important/Gratitude in Action

I'm going to Portland in a few days for two weeks.

Play time. That's on the agenda. Plus some research for a pilot I'm working on. But not too much other than that. I want to see friends. I want to eat well. I want to drink beer. But mostly I want to play with my niece and nephews. I want to have story time. I want to have chill time. I want to have dance parties. And I want to sing.

I want to be a kid basically for two weeks.

The professor needs some lessons from his tiny little professors. I want to have the permi-smiles they have on their faces. I want to be as curious as they are. I want to be as engaged and as present. I aspire to that every single day I breathe life on this planet. Frankly, I think I do a decent job at that. But they're even better at it because they're kids. And I want to reflect that back to them so that they never let that go.

I'm healthier than I've ever been, mentally and physically. Sure, I've got some extra weight on these bones that I'd like to let go of. But it's nothing major or life-threatening. It's purely aesthetic. I've got a nice strong face. I have legs that get me around and arms that help me lift things. I can drive in my car. I can make my way around.

When I'm in Portland, I'm going to be able to take the kids out for ice cream and go on walks with them. I will be able to teach them dance moves. One thing I want to make sure we do when I'm in town is make time for story time. I want them to take the story I tell them and build on it. It would be great if I could share with them my love of storytelling in some concrete way. My job is to engage my imagination.

That's why I'm thankful for what I do. I get to engage my imagination and get paid for it. I get paid for keeping my mind sharp and for telling stories that don't often get to be told. I get paid for being socially conscious and aware. I get paid for representing my people in my work. I get paid for speaking my mind and speaking truth to power. I'd love for them to know that that's possible.

My work inspires me. Both my playwriting and my TV writing. I'm working on a pilot that is about my personal awakening. And it's going to be great storytelling and funny as well. I've had the great fortune of learning the craft of TV writing in kind of a crash course in two years. I'm incredibly fortunate to be able to take what I learn and spread the good cheer. I have such great colleagues in the theatre world as well. Gosh, I'm incredibly fortunate to do what I do. And I want to do more of it.

My intention is growth.
My intention is to spread the word.
My intention is to be truthful.
My intention is to speak truth to power.
My intention is to be myself.
My intention is to be free.

I am grateful for the meetings I have set up.
I am grateful for the friends I have supporting me.
I am grateful for the opportunities in front of me.
I am grateful for time I get to spend with my family.
I am grateful for the kind of life I am setting up for myself.

A Good Night's Sleep

I slept amazingly well last night.

Here's why that's a strange thing. I had a big meeting today. Normally, when I anticipate something I sleep horribly. I toss and turn. I worry. I end up being totally sleepy. That didn't happen. Why is that?

The meditation is working. I feel settled in. I did all the work I needed to do. There's no reason to freak out or worry. As my mantras have said:

I am.

I am free.

I nourish the Universe and the Universe nourishes me.

I am the Universe. I am absolute existence.

My Actions are in alignment with cosmic law.

I am a field of all possibilities.

I have everything I need. I'm in a good place. That's why I was calm last night. Everything that could happen will be great and will add to what I already have. But I don't need to fill a void. That's a great place to be. Now I hope I can stay there.

Here's the hard part. Waiting for news. So I'm practicing detachment. I am working on the next thing. I sent thank you notes. I am texting with friends. I'm at the Korean spa working on other stuff. I can't listen to the voices inside my own head with possible outcomes.

I am a field of all possibilities.

I am grateful that the meeting went well.
I am grateful that I said everything I wanted to say.
I am grateful that I am not worried.
I am grateful that I let things flow.
I am grateful that I am constantly learning and growing.
I am grateful that the Universe provides.
I am grateful that I am in a place where I am listening.
I am grateful to know what leads to abundance. 

I am grateful for this food right now. I didn't eat this morning because I didn't want to be bloated. I looked good and I ate something I wasn't supposed to eat last night out of boredom.

Knowing I'm enough is a huge victory. And I'm starting to navigate from that place. It's unfamiliar in some ways. In other ways, it feels totally natural. Maneuvering a career in the TV industry is really tough and it's nice to meet other like-minded individuals. That's a huge success.

Going into a meeting feeling prepared but knowing that it's more important to be yourself is key.  It has taken me so long just to understand that. Life's a journey and I'm growing from that journey. But I also own that I am an expert in my field and I'm not just here to learn. I know things. And in that meeting today, I communicated that, which is an empowering thing. I spoke my truth. And I will continue to speak my truth. That's a victory. Today was full of victories, big and small.

My intention is to go with the flow.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to be expansive.
My intention is to be curious.
My intention is to believe, to trust and to let go.

What Do I Want?

Today's meditation reminded me to always ask for what I want and what I want can be as expansive as I want it to be. Sometimes it's difficult to give myself permission to ask for the things I truly want. I am thankful this exercise wasn't that hard. When I'm able to see all that's being set forth in front of me, I know I'm in a good place.

So the following is from my meditation journal around the question WHAT DO I WANT?

I want a life without limitations.

Of course my first answer was that I want a job I'm up for. Then I thought about what that meant for me. And immediately, the word FREEDOM popped into my head. Wanting that job is too small. It's one limited thing. But freedom is something more. I want to have the freedom to do what I want to say what I want to be what I want. That freedom to be myself always is important. Then another phrase popped into my head: NO LIMITATIONS.

I want NO LIMITS in declaring what I want. I put limits on myself all of the time before I even ask for what I want. So even in the asking for what I want, what I want sometimes is limited. So I need to have no limits from the conception of the thought so that when the thought becomes reality, I have asked for something that will give me full freedom. But to do that I have to be free.

Everything I want I can have. And guilt is a limitation. Feeling like I don't deserve something somehow or that it's not available to me. Feeling like there's a cost to what I want or what I ask for is a limitation. Feeling like I will hurt someone's feelings or feeling like I will embarrass someone or feeling like I will make them feel less than. Those are all limitations and I want none of those.

I always give my Mom advice. And I often ask her to ask herself the question

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I don't know if I ever consider that question myself. Or maybe I don't consider it enough. And I ask it of her in relationship to her retirement. How does she want her life to be? But I should ask myself that question in my active life - What do I want my life to be? What do I want?

I came to the conclusion after the meditation that I want a LIMITLESS LIFE. I want no limitations in what I ask for myself and of myself. I can have boundless energy and endless adventures. I can ask for exactly what I want without guilt or shame or embarrassment or fear.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something really simple. I sent in my material to a show. They were looking for a Producer level writer. At first, I looked at the email and kept scrolling. Then I came back to it. I was a Co-Producer on my show this year and the next step is Producer. I decided to throw my hat in the ring. I decided to let go of the notion that my friend who sent out the opportunity was going to laugh in my face and think I was crazy. When I've told some people, I can feel them think that I'm crazy. But that's them putting their own limitations for themselves on me. I knew that putting myself in as a Producer might make my manager agitated. But he wasn't submitting me. I knew that it might be a stretch, so I acknowledged that. But not in a way to discourage or cause doubt. I acknowledged the issue and then I explained why I am qualified. 

I didn't get the job. But that wasn't the point. I knew that I had to shift something in my brain. I had to stop thinking of the limitations. I had to stop thinking that my friend would laugh at my email or that his boss would or that my manager would get wind and think I was an idiot or that my friends when I told them that story would think I have a huge ego. Those are all limitations. Those are all doubts. Those are all Resistance - that little bugger - rearing its dirty little head. I knew that one simple action would start a ripple.

I saw a Showrunner at the Kilroy's party a few weeks ago and she asked me if I was working. I told her no. She asked to read my stuff. I thought she was filming a whole pilot, so I thought I had at least a month or so. But then I found out they were only filming a presentation. And she reached out, wondering if my manager had sent stuff over yet. I had gotten notes from him and I started implementing them by the time I got the email from her wondering where my material was. I had already been working a few days after I got his notes. So when I told him that she needed the material and I wanted to send it before I left for Sonoma, I was prepared. I didn't panic. I did the work. I did not put limitations on myself like fear, doubt, panic. I did it. I gave it to him. He turned it around and sent it. I didn't think about it.

Then I got the email yesterday that she wants to meet with me. Then I found out she wants to meet with me the day I'm leaving to Portland. I'm having my manager check to see if she can see me earlier in the week. I'm putting it out into the flow of the universe. I know it will work out the way it's supposed to.

In asking myself "What Do I Want?" I am focused on getting what I want. The next part of the meditation was about having focus once you've declared what you want. There's the quote from The Alchemist, "Once you decide what you want, the Universe conspires to help you get it." So I'm declaring what I want and I'm taking the steps necessary to get it. That also reminds me of an article I read years ago that my friend Caitlin had passed on. It was about goals versus systems. And the basic idea is that if we're set on one particular goal, it's a limitation. But if we focus on the work we need to do to accomplish that goal, without expecting an outcome, we usually get more than we had asked for in the first place. So I've been working on this "What do I Want?" question for a long time because I started implementing that mentality in my life a few years ago. And when I did that, my life started to change. I did get a lot more accomplished than I thought I would. And people started recognizing me as a prolific person. Even someone like my manager, who isn't aware that this is the way I operate says in his letters about me that I am a "young prolific playwright." Someone that got communicated to him. I wonder how? Maybe because that's what he's seeing from me.

Here's the next part of that meditation journal. What do you truly want? How will you get it? What will it feel like to have it? And who will be around you?

I want to have an entertainment empire. 

I want to be a producer/showrunner with my own shows on the air. I want to have my own ideas for shows. I want to go out and pitch them. Then I want to sell them, write them and film them. I also want the opportunity to direct once I have my first show on the air. Then I'd like to take ideas I like, but maybe can't write myself, and produce those shows as well. I want to parlay the writing into showrunning into directing and into producing. I want to have a production company that does all of this. 

I will write on other people's shows and watch how they run the room and run their set. I will work hard to learn every aspect of production from directing to set design. I will be a producer on the shows I work on. Then I will get the opportunity to pitch my own shows and take them through the pilot process. I will get those shows on the air and once I have the experience of directing under my belt - because I have also started directing play workshops and will direct my first play next year - I will start directing episodes. Eventually, I'd like to by a director for hire if I'm in between shows and want to take a break from running shows or being on staff. 

With all of this experience of being on set as a writer/director, I will start thinking about my friends' ideas and what I love but could never write. Either because I don't have that particular skill for that genre or because I don't have time. Then I will take those projects out under my own shingle and start producing projects. Once I have enough projects in the pipeline, I will have a deal at a studio and hire a development executive who will start that process. I learned about the production deal when I worked for a manager and he had his own pod. I will take that experience in how he developed work and apply it to how I develop work - mainly watching what mistakes I observed. I will have a fully functioning production company - I will borrow from what another playwright/TV writer-producer is doing and start producing plays by people of color and other interesting playwrights who interest me. This will be a natural extension of what I am doing now at Chalk Rep. All of this is a natural extension of what I'm doing at Chalk Rep with my producing of my own work and of my friend Cory's play. I'm already doing this. And if we have a relationship with a big regional theatre that we're looking into this could be a cool way to parlay what I'm doing there with what I want to do on the TV development side.

The encouraging thing is that I am already doing the work I want to be doing. I'm producing theatre and developing relationships with playwrights. I want to take that work and funnel it into production deals. I want to find a way to bring both sides of my working life - theatre and TV - together in a symbiotic way. With all of this producing, writing and directing I'll be doing I will find myself with an entertainment empire where I am a major tastemaker. I said two years ago when I was trying for the PCS job that I felt it was important that I was a major tastemaker in the theatre. That was thinking too small. And they didn't want me. But more importantly, the energy of the Universe didn't want me to think that small. A short while later I became a tastemaker in the theatre in my theatre company. I am being presented with an opportunity to be a bigger tastemaker in the theatre. And eventually, I will be a bigger tastemaker in other media, including television and streaming media.

I will have other people I respect with me: I believe in the talents of Jen, David, Cory, Carrie, Dominic, Dave, among others. But I am also getting to know more writers and directors. I loved working with Julian and Tessa on my show. I would find ways to work with them more. I love Dime and I love Alexis. I think there's room to work with them as well. Then of course there are my Gay Latino hermanos. We're all growing, so by the time I'm ready to start approaching writers to be on staff with me or to produce, we'll all be ready. And we'll all have our empires where we'll get to work with each other or even compete with each other, meaning there will be a lot of us out there.

My intention is to know what I want.

My intention is to act on what I want.

My intention is to be focused.

My intention is to see everything I have done and make it apart of the same goal.

My intention is to remind myself daily of what I have accomplished.

I am grateful that I can state it so clearly.

I am grateful that I want a lot.

I am grateful that my heart and soul are in it.

I am grateful to have the support of a strong and capable community around me.

I am grateful that what I want is what I already have but on a bigger scale.

I am grateful that I know that all of this is attainable.

I am grateful that I am already working on it.

I am grateful that I can see it.

Super Sized Gratitude

From my meditations, here are a few things I have been grateful for lately:

• I am grateful for today's meditation at the top of that mountain looking out and below. Looking at my accomplishments and how I have cut the weeds to clear my path. And it's clear that it's MY path. My path is to be cherished. The meditation made me reflect that there might have been weeds that have grown along my path. And maybe my father planted those weeds or allowed them to grow. But I have the faith and the strength to pull them out from the root and then MY path is revealed. That's my destiny. Every pull, every step, every breath, every ache, every curse word uttered as I climb my path has lead me here. Every difficulty, every struggle, every doubt, every question has led me to the top of the mountain. To look at all of it and realize my accomplishment as I see the animals and the lush greenery and the waterfalls. As I appreciate where my path has led me and I am able to see everything that's beautiful, I know that I am a part of that beauty. And I would not have realized it had I not been on my path.

• I am grateful for the clarity this meditation practice is giving me. I am grateful that I know how to get what I want. I am grateful for the two meditations a day. I am grateful for new life - my best friend Alanna just had a baby and I see all the possibility in the world. I look at my niece and nephews and I see the same thing. It helps me create a vision for myself that's wide eyed and hopeful. And it helps me observe boundless energy, enthusiasm and focus. And when you're a child you have that in infinite amounts. I am grateful that I can engage with them.

• I am grateful for the image of the water and the ocean. I am going to the beach tomorrow, so the meditation with the water sounds was a lovely reminder of that. I am grateful that I know what is important to do now and what is important to do later. I am grateful for a quiet morning. I am grateful for good friends to reflect good things back to me. I am grateful that I can take what I need and leave the rest.

Gratitude is a huge part of my spiritual practice. I have to remind myself of the good around me, otherwise life feels too full of despair. I can feel the despair of my friends sometimes and I acknowledge it and then have to let it go. It's difficult to know that we're on different paths and to just let things be where they need to be instead of trying to control them.

I am grateful I know that.

My intention is to be grateful.

My intention is to continue to be open.

My intention is to be here now.

The Home Run

There are few phrases I loathe more than "the home run script." It's a phrase that managers and agents use to describe a script that is a sure thing. My old managers were big fans of baseball metaphors. You have to "knock this one out of the park." What a set up that was. And I realized what was a home run to me was different than what was a home run to them. They really tried to fit me in a box. Maybe that's because I didn't know who I was back then.

It took some time to figure out the writer I wanted to be. I was so concerned with producing something that they would like or that the industry would be into. It sounds silly to me now. But to then, I was trying to please everybody. There's nothing I wanted more than to make people happy.

Then a lot of personal stuff happened - Dad's death, break up, etc. And I got on the road of giving zero fucks. I ended my relationship with that group of people and I moved on. I took some time off without a rep. Then I got my show and then I got a manager. It frankly has been pretty dry since I signed with him. But I've been working on the show for two seasons. And I didn't have a sample that he felt was a home run.

I had the play that got him to sign me. It was also the play that got me the gig on the show as well. I thought that was enough. Apparently not. Then I showed him two pilots. He hated one. Then he asked me to rewrite the other. He liked the rewrite, but apparently, it wasn't enough for other people to be into. I knew I had this pilot I was working on when I could while I was working on the show and teaching. In the meantime, I wrote a play that got a workshop and got me asked to join a theatre company I love. The workshop went off like gangbusters. And we're going to produce it in 2018.

My friend Jami has another term she likes to use, the "silver bullet play." Again, it's a cousin of the "home run pilot." I thought my earlier play was the "silver bullet." But it got no love from the summer play development programs I applied to. Then everyone saw the newer play and said that was my "silver bullet." It's my favorite play I've written. I sent it out to all of those development opps. So far it has been a finalist for the Bay Area Playwrights Festival and a semifinalist for the Gulfshore Playhouse New Play Festival in September. That's exciting. I'll find out about the Gulfshore Playhouse in a week or so.

But here's what I'm learning. No one knows anything for sure. I have to be happy with what I'm doing. And I'm thrilled with both plays. I realize now that the pilots had their issues. And there's the possibility of me revisiting one of them. But I turned in the pilot that I had been working on and finally finished it a couple of weeks ago. I had a showrunner who wanted to read it. So that lit a fire. Then I had a couple of mini-meetings with some execs that went well. They wanted to set some longer meetings up and that helped move things along. We're sending them that pilot. And my manager really does like it.

Nothing's really a home run. But I'm learning how to be better skilled at writing pilots. Part of that is being on a show and learning how something goes from story idea to outline to script to production. I really think that's the best lesson. And hopefully you get hired off of a play, short story, screenplay or very forward-thinking showrunner. Then you can get in a room and learn. If you're a smart, social person it shouldn't take long to get it. Or maybe you get in a room as an assistant. That works too. But it's that professional polish that gets you that experience. Or it's writing 20 pilots.

See? There is no home run. As there's no overnight success or sure thing. You've got to just write the thing you love and have some skill and put it out there. I've been asked a lot of advice about how to "make it." There is no making it either. But you just have to work hard and keep going and not give up.

I always thought that sounded so corny. I guess it still does. But it's the truth.

My intention is to keep going.
My intention is to work hard.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is to keep the runway clear.

I am grateful for great colleagues.
I am grateful for my writers groups.
I am grateful for The Clubhouse.
I am grateful for all good things.
I am grateful for ideas.
I am grateful for my stamina.