Looking Forward to June

I don't know why, but June feels like a fresh start.

This year so far has been productive and I feel like I'm standing on the shoulders of that productivity. But June feels like a new, fresh start to me. And that's good. I have trips planned this month, so maybe I'm feeling like I'm looking forward to getting out of town.

I'll still be working on the rewrites for my finale script. But I'm officially on the other side of that experience. I do have one more pay check coming in for that. But otherwise, I'm on the other side of the experience. I'm now settled in my work again. I have three scripts that need my attention. And I'd like to handle them - one, two, three.

1) The rewrite of the pilot that my manager asked me to rework. I have had to push working on it because of the script I was writing for the show. But now it's the top priority.

2) The rewrite of the pilot I've been working on since the Fall. This is probably the fourth draft of it. I haven't really shown it to anyone, other than friends. So this will be the first draft I'll be showing my manager. I'd like to get that done this month as well, since the outline has been waiting for me for three months now.

3) The play rewrite. I have a workshop in August. So once I get out the two pieces of writing I need to complete to get considered for staffing, I need to focus on this play. This will be my first collaboration with the theatre company I'm now working with. And it's a play I'm excited to explore because I feel it will be a new template for the kind of work I want to do. It's bold and it's daring. It is pushing me further than I've pushed myself before. So I want it to start influencing the other work I do. Maybe it already has.

But this new attitude is thrilling. I don't feel like I'm fatigued. I feel energized. That's good for the middle of the year. Can't ask for more than that.

I am grateful for the energy I feel.

I am grateful for all of the documentaries I have been watching - research.

I am grateful for the way my mind needs to relax.

I am grateful that I am getting my strength back and getting ready to write another script.

I am grateful that the ideas flow.

I am grateful that my heart is open.

May Review

Here it is. The last day of May. It has been a productive month by many standards. For me, I'm always trying to get that last bit in before the end of the month.  It's just my way. I'm learning to be more patient with myself, but I'm always worried about losing my edge. Maybe that's a silly feeling. I don't know.

In a way, May closes out a section of the year that included me getting my first staffing job. It was incredibly productive - and while I technically fulfilled my goal of getting one script written a month, I have pilot scripts I'm still working on. The good news is that I postponed working on that other stuff because I was getting paid. I can't complain about that.

Now I go back to the work of trying to get work - which is an exciting challenge in itself. I celebrate all of the work I was able to do in the first half of the year. And as I work towards this second half (and then some), I continue to do the work that got me here in the first place. I get up in the morning and I write. I blog. I have my tea. I spend time in quiet. This is my practice. I go back to this place of consistency.

I realize that when I am not busy, my mind wanders. I basically want to fuck anything that moves. The creative and sexual impulses are related for me. My sexual urges are not what they were when I was younger. But when I feel myself get distracted, I know it's time to double down on getting work done. Or feeding the creative beast somehow. And these days, it's about watching something on Netflix or HBO Now if I'm not equipped to sit at the computer and write something.

I'm in a bit of a replenishing phase. But to go back to the work that happened this month -

We had a beautiful reading of an older play with some terrific actors who I loved working with. A small band of folks, but really wonderful. I had a bit of a crush on one of the actors, which let me know that I'm not completely closed off. I rewrote the damn script. That was not a requirement of the process. But I took the script and hollowed it out, leaving the structure, but having to fill in new elements. I thought it was incredibly moving. I haven't written something that earnest since. But it really showed me what I'm capable of in terms of writing a purely moving story.

I also wrote the finale of the show I'm working on. It's interesting to write something that's not really your own. For me, it was a master class in structure and moving around the puzzle pieces. And getting paid for it. I loved writing the finale, but I also had a lot of challenges in writing something that's from an outline that was based on something I wrote, but totally rewritten. That experience prepared me for how I will approach certain aspects when I run my own show.

It would be totally arrogant of me to just say - "Here's what I would do differently." I think the Universe is going to teach me a lesson - it ain't as easy as you think it is. And it's a lesson I'm willing to take head on. It's going to teach me what I'm capable of - and it will be difficult. But the whole experience of being on the show was an incredible master class and a crash course. It taught me that I'm ready. And being ready doesn't mean that you're capable of doing everything perfectly. It means that you're equipped enough to be in over your head. That you won't be totally swept up by the current, but that you're going to have to swim hard because that current is a motherfucker. Being ready just means that it's a fair fight.

Now I sit here on the couch, ready to flesh out my outline for a script I'm rewriting. Then I have to rewrite the script. Then I have to turn it in. And then I have to pick up the next outline, which is fully fleshed out, and write the next script after that. That might bring me up to the point where it's time for the next play rewrite. And after that, I don't know. I'm just going to trust that someone's sending back the trapeze for me to grab onto when I need it.

I am grateful for the constant flow of inspiration.
I am grateful that the well is plentiful.
I am grateful that I have a smile on my face this morning.
I am grateful that I am meeting an old friend today before she leaves town.
I am grateful that my friends are like family.
I am grateful for loved ones.
I am grateful that I get to go to Portland in a month.
I am grateful that I get to go to Sonoma in a few weeks.
I am grateful that I get to spend time with my San Francisco friends, who are also my family.
I am grateful that I get to spend time with my Santa Clara friends, who have been family for awhile.
I am grateful that my family is excited that I'm coming up to visit.

The Big Push

Last December, before the dramatic turn my life took, my brother and I had a conversation about money and about where my life is headed. It would be an understatement to say that the conversation was explosive. It was core shaking. We still have not recovered from that conversation. Our relationship has not been the same since and it's something I regret. I'm hoping that we will get the opportunity to repair some of that damage when I go visit next month.

Today, as I have been reflecting, I remembered another similar conversation with my father over ten years ago before I applied to graduate school. My father said to me that I should just give up on my dream of being a writer because who really gets to do that. No one lives the life they really want to - why did I think I was so special? Another core shaking conversation. One that resulted in a three week deep, dark depression and ultimately in me pushing myself to finish my application for graduate school. I got into NYU with a full ride.

The after math of the conversation with my brother - which was similar in that it was about the direction my life was taking - was everything that has happened in the past three and a half months. In both circumstances, I had to make a choice for myself. In the years between those two conversations, I struggled hard. My dedication to what I want to do has been tested. And now I realize that the testing and fortification of my mission in life is just going to be a constant. Enjoy the good times. Learn from the bad. But don't think for a second that the bad times mean that you've veered off course and don't think for a second that the good times mean that you've made it. I'm in it for the long haul. And I'm trying to maintain a sense of balance.

It's that old saying that you should never read your reviews - or pay attention to what people say about you - because if you believe the good ones, then you're going to believe the bad ones, too. I have pride in my work and what I do. I have been working hard on self-validation. I believe my journey to self-validation is what has gotten me to this point. I remember that night after my brother and I had a huge yelling fight. I don't even remember having an argument with him that was that bad. He had to make his point. I had to stay firm in mine. But in the days afterward, I remember believing our fight was a good thing. I had gotten emotional. I had cried in front of him. I did not regret being vulnerable. He did not make me doubt my position or my choices. 

I didn't have a lot of support from my ex or my brother last year. I know they care, but I didn't have a lot of understanding. Last year was about knowing I had to stay on the path and doing it without that support. It really was my lesson in self-validation. Yes, all of the external validation I have received this year feels amazing. I can't say that I haven't gotten some confidence from it. But I still make room for the voice that tells me to keep going. I still have deeper exploration to do in my work. But it still is about the labor and not the fruits of my labor. The lesson deepens when good things happen.

It would easy to get that external validation and then start believing that even harder. Because the thing you wanted to happen happened! That's not a crazy notion. But to believe that you can only be responsible for your labor and not the fruits of your labor when the fruits seem ripe, juicy and delicious - that takes some nerve. I am still focused on the labor. Hell, I'm working on a pilot on Memorial Day. I have a secret goal to get this done before the end of May, which is tomorrow night. That way I can say that I wrote three scripts this month. If I get that done, fucking brilliant! If I don't, I haven't failed. The fact that I wrote the first draft of our series finale - in addition to reworking the outline several times - and rewriting this older play from scratch, plus dealing with casting, actors, a director, a producer and getting people to come see the damn thing - well, that's a huge success and would be an enormous accomplishment by anyone's standards. I had a brilliant May. Many things that were unexpected happened. I got interviewed by a blogger that I had been wanting to be interviewed by for years. I was asked to join a theatre company I already loved and would have given my left nut to join. Fortunately, I get to keep my left nut because they reached out to me. That seems incredible to me and such a huge thrill. If that was the one thing that happened in May, I would have been thrilled.

I set these goals for myself as benchmarks, but then I get to the work of writing. And if something's not done, but I've spent every day working on it in some capacity, then I can't see that as failing. Well, I could. But I won't. I WON'T. That has to be a deliberate decision - to not see something as failure. And I'm trying something new this year. I'm not adding things to my plate that aren't already there. This pilot was already on my plate because I wrote it and was asked by my manager to take a look at it and do more work on it. I have another pilot outline, which has been waiting for me for some time. And I have this play. Anything else that crosses my path this year will be an opportunity that comes to me. Or something I decide to do once I'm done with any of those things. But I'm continuing to leave my pathway clear. I'm allowing things to come to me. I'm remembering that the Universe can dream a bigger dream for you than you can for yourself. I'm allowing myself to become a part of the flow of shared energy.

Those two big pushes got me to work harder and focus. They made me more resolute in my mission. And I had to follow that up with action. I am ultimately grateful for both of those pushes because they proved that I was strong enough to endure them and that I persevere anyway. I am strong - and if no one else knows that, it doesn't matter. I do.

And that makes all of the difference.

I am grateful for knowing.

I am grateful for pushing through.

I am grateful for all of the good fortune I've received and grateful for the good fortune to come.

I am grateful to keep moving forward.

I am grateful for what I deserve.

I am grateful that I know I deserve it and that I know that I can't do anything to screw it up.

Memorial

I've spent most of the weekend remembering back to the past three years where I would go camping with my ex-boyfriend in Joshua Tree and a bunch of our friends. It was the closest we came to a tradition in our relationship. I loved the consistency of that trip. I would cook carne asada and we would get steaks. We would smoke cigarettes and drink Fireball. Those camping trips - and the other ones we took over the summer - were the happiest times we had as a couple.

I've been sad most of this weekend. Even though we broke up almost five months ago, nothing close to a ritual has come up yet. I wasn't particularly sad on Valentine's Day. My birthday wasn't sad to me either - both are within two days of each other. But this weekend I was sad. I have spent the weekend writing - which is all I ever do these days. I'm not sad about that. Or I should say, I'm trying not to be sad about that. Thinking about the good times we had together makes me a bit melancholy. I enjoy spending time by myself most of the time - I just took a road trip to Las Vegas and stayed in a hotel room by myself. It was glorious.

But Memorial Day in Joshua Tree was our thing. I didn't have any money during our relationship. I taught here and there and I lived off of unemployment for a bunch of that time. But Memorial Day was when we would really do something special together - and it didn't cost a lot of money. We were happy. Maybe I'm sad because last Memorial Day was the last happy memory I really have of our relationship. I'd soon find out that I'd be flying out to Portland to interview for a job that I didn't get, but just the prospect of moving caused a permanent rift in our relationship. I tried to keep that from coming, but I made a decision to look elsewhere for a job. I suppose I made the first move. And he just kept following that move with several more. We both contributed to the demise of the relationship - no one was more guilty than the other.

Last Memorial Day was pretty fantastic - two couples we knew got engaged that weekend. I cooked. I let my mind completely let go. I was relaxed, which my ex loved. Most of the time I was focused and trying to make things happen. I have an energy about me that's constantly on the go. I'm always working on something. I wrote 2000 pages last year. I was completely focused on making shit happen. And that focus paid off.

As I look forward into the second half of a year that has been prosperous and rewarding, I look to set new goals for myself. Memorial Day is officially the kick off of the summer. I want my summer to be active and fun, as well as productive. I have two trips in June scheduled: one to Sonoma and the Bay Area and the other to Portland. Chances are that I'll be in Vancouver for August working from Canada while my best friend is working on a show. The summer will mostly be spent away, which I'm kind of excited about. I need that time away. I need a change of perspective.

The second half of the year will be incredible productive writing-wise, whether that's for projects I'm getting paid for or projects I'm working on on my own. I have plenty to do either way. It's my own productive mind that wants to get this pilot done and then the next one written in quick succession while I'm working on a rewrite of a play for a workshop in August. I'll have new duties as a Company Member at the theatre company I've recently joined.

I'm determined not to let others dictate my schedule. I've booked trips out of town. I'm actively doing things that are keeping me productive. My duties with the theatre company will have to work around the paid creative work that I am doing. That's my priority right now. I want to continue to get paid to be creative. There's a real opportunity for me right now and I have to jump on it. These new pilots are a part of making that happen. But I am facing real work in front of me - opportunities that have been presented to me and I'm not going to ignore them for prestige purposes. I'm looking at opportunities that will pay me and allow me more creative freedom at a level that I didn't expect to get to until many more years down the line. I'm grateful for those opportunities and I will show my gratitude by hopping on them and putting my heart and soul into those opportunities.

I decided to work on an older play that had a reading earlier this month when I could have just cancelled that reading because I had too much going on. But I had committed to this theatre - and more importantly, I wanted to see where I could push myself in terms of working on this new play. I needed to work on something wholly original after working on a show and before possibly going back to work on something where I'll be getting a lot of creative input. I'm seeing the "art and commerce" areas of my career weaving in and out - and I'm loving it. I'm learning so much by being a paid writer. And I'm being given such opportunity to do the creative work that I want to do. I realize that it's really true that when you put yourself out there 100 percent, that it comes back to you. The dividends are tangible. And this new play that I wrote this year is all me - in so many ways. If last year's play got me my job and my manager (and counting), then this play has secured a real creative home for me for what I hope is several years to come.

So as I truly let go of one relationship, I'm entering into a new phase of my relationship with myself and my creativity. It would be reductive to say, "My work is my new lover." But I must acknowledge that I am in a work phase and that I prefer to spend my time working versus occupying my time in a relationship. I need to spend more time alone. I need to take trips alone. I need to be responsible for myself and my well being and for nobody else's. I am going to lean into this. It's scary as hell. I worry about being alone. But I know it's also thrilling and exhilarating and fun. I'm single, but I'm not looking. And that's the best relationship to be in - for me - right now.

I am grateful that I'm flying solo.
I am grateful that my friend Bill is opening up his home to me next month.
I am grateful that I have a new creative home.
I am grateful that my decision to focus on myself has been reinforced and supported by several recent opportunities.
I am grateful that I am open to the change coming my way.
I am grateful that I am losing my fear.
I am grateful that I have simplified my life.

If I had total freedom, what would I do?

We think that to create we need to have no limits. That's the romantic ideal, right?

What if we had total freedom to create and do the things that represented our artistic ideal?

I just became a member of a theatre company that I respect. I like the people involved. And I can't believe they asked me to join - out of all the people they could have asked. Seriously. I'm a part of their writers group, but so are a ton of my friends. And two of my best friends are in that group - and both incredible writers. They've had other writers they've been involved with who are clearly better known than me. Yet, they heard something new I wrote and they asked me. Out of the blue. I had no idea these conversations were happening.

They keep saying these complementary things to me, which is incredibly flattering and humbling and embarrassing at the same time. But I'm choosing to believe them because I've told myself so many negative things about myself for so long.

We're doing a workshop in August. And I'm meeting with them in a week to find out how I'll be fitting into the fold. I find myself asking, "If I had total freedom, what would I do?" I have a home that will at least let me hear my new plays when I write them. Hopefully, they'll produce them as well. But I know that if I need to gather actors together to hear something, that's completely available to me.

Last year, I almost got a job as a literary manager at a theatre in Portland - a major theatre there. I had no idea where my life was going in terms of career. I was working on a play I felt was important to me and to the world. But no one cared about me as a writer in the theatre or in TV - in the sense that no one was commissioning me or hiring me. What excited me about this job - and the only thing that excited me - was that I would be able to be a cultural taste maker as a person of color. And that's what theatre needs. That actually would have never happened at this theatre. I would have had to read a bunch of plays that I hated and I would have not had any power to champion the writers I wanted to champion. And I wasn't totally convinced that my writing career would continue to grow if I was putting my energy into championing other writers as a full time job. Thank God I didn't get the job - although I think up to the last minute, they wanted me. They went with someone who could fit into their fold much better. Everyone wins in that situation.

I find myself now at a theatre that wants me to be in their company because I'm a writer - and hopefully, a person - they like. I'm going to this company meeting to find out why they chose me. It'll be my first meeting as a company member where I'll be getting introduced. I'll still get to be a taste maker because I'll be helping in suggesting writers for the various programs and events the theatre does. But the reason they chose me is because of a play I wrote that represents me wholeheartedly.

So now that I have this support - not that I have total freedom - but what will I do? How will I use this opportunity to expand on who I am as a writer? I've always wanted to write plays with more movement in them. I'd like to go back to that creative impulse I had when I started writing plays. And now that I know I have a place that will help me work on more difficult pieces that can benefit from having company support, that's going to change the way I approach my theatre making. That's exciting. I've taken my writing as far as I can alone to this point. I need to break the glass ceiling on my work and see what happens when I have a company's support.

In the same way, I'm seeing my work as a TV writer get better because now I'm on staff and my ideas are being listened to. It just makes a huge difference in my confidence and in the vision I see for myself. I know I'm capable of so much more than I've ever been asked to do. And that vision of myself is what I'm projecting because I can see who that person is. He's clearer to me than ever before.

I am grateful for HBO documentaries.
I am grateful for art.
I am grateful for company support.
I am grateful for being opened up artistically.

Big Mistake

I wrote a play last year that I lot of my peers loved. They kept telling me that someone would want to pick it up and do it. I submitted it to all of the regular play submission opportunities. Nothing has happened so far. I just got a rejection from the conference I was hoping to get into and that I thought I had an in at. And we're pretty much at the end of the line for that stuff anyway.

I did myself a big favor. I didn't listen to my peers when they said that someone was going to do it. I wrote another play to distract myself from listening to any noise surrounding the play. Even though everything was a complement, I knew the expectations set were going to make me feel a certain way if nothing happened. And certainly it wasn't like "nothing happened." I just didn't get into any of the development programs this summer.

But this play got me a TV job and a manager. There was talk of a production, which I'm not sure is happening any more. But the theatre company I just joined might be a great place to do it with. If I had just set my eyes on waiting around for that one particular opportunity - or series of similar opportunities - to happen, I would be a pretty miserable guy today. 

People and Oprah say that God can dream an even bigger dream than you can for yourself.  I'd agree with that.

And I have another play that I finished in February specifically because I wanted to focus on other things. I got that play written in four months. And that play got me into the theatre company I'm working with now and we're doing a workshop in August. So I can't complain because there are a ton of things going on because I sat down and was productive. But if I was heart set on one particular thing, then right now I'd be disappointed. 

And those opportunities are prestigious and they mean something. But they don't pay a lot. And they're just one opportunity to be productive. All of the things I want to get out of those opportunities, I'm doing now in town. It's sometimes  hard to remember that. I'm making money. And wrote the play - that's the reward. People liked it. That's all that matters, actually.

I'm still going to apply to these things because they're things to apply to. And it's important to have my name out there, for sure. But they're not the only game in town.

It would have been a big mistake to only focus on one kind of result.

I am grateful for options.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for writing dates.

I am grateful for good food.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful that I get to take a trip to Portland to visit my brother and his family next month.

No Plans/ Tons of Plans

I made it through this week. Technically, it's only Thursday and I have one more day before I project I've been working on is due. And this is a thing I'm getting paid for, not just a personal project. So that's good.

But I finished everything I had going on this week. As I reached the mid-way park on this year - technically the end of June, I think about what I've accomplished and what I'm setting myself up for in the second half of the year.

I've written two of the three scripts I had a goal to write this month. The end of the month is on Tuesday, so theoretically I could get that third script done. I have the outline done. I have a bit more work to do before I'm ready to go to script, but that very much could happen and I'd be really thrilled if it did.

I called this year The Year of Challenges because every month I had given myself a different challenge to accomplish. That motivation resulted in a writing job, being asked to join a theatre company and being asked to pitch a series that could result in another writing job. So I wonder if the next Challenge is to have no plans for the rest of the year. Not to take a break. But to keep my launching pad open so that there can be other surprises that come down the pike. This year is better so far than the one I could have imagined for myself. I'd like to continue that pattern.

My caveat is that I won't add new things to write for the year. But I'll just finish the things I have on my plate and then I'll see gets added to that plate.

I finished a rewrite of a pilot in January. That pilot is one of the pilots I need to rewrite this year.
I finished a play in February. That play is having a workshop in August, so I know I'll have to work on that. And it's what I'm submitting this year.
I finished two outlines in March. One new outline for the pilot I rewrote in January. The other outline for my first episode of the show I'm on. And I finished that script in April. I did have at least one draft of it in March, however.
I finished a script in April for our show. I also outlined the latest episode I'm writing in April.

In May, I rewrote my play we just had a reading of. I also finished the first draft of my second script. I outlined the pilot my manager asked me to rewrite. It'd be great if I could finish that script this month as well. I also have been asked to pitch this month.

As I look at what I've done, I've gotten more than one script written or worked on per month, since March. That's a lot more writing than I thought I was doing.

The rest of the year, I have two pilots to work on and I have the play to work on. I have no other plans, other than a pilot idea my manager had. There's the possibility of me working on my own show. And I guess that would take up the rest of my year. And that is great. There's also stuff going on with the theatre company that I'll be planning for and writing. That feels like a full year already, without having to impose deadlines and challenges on myself.

I might also be going to Vancouver for most of August to get work done and hang with my best friend. Also, since Vancouver is home to a lot of production, it might not be a bad thing to spend some time up there.

So I guess I"m not making any MORE plans because looking at this list of projects for the rest of the year, I'm going to be pretty busy as it is.

I am grateful for projects.
I am grateful for work.
I am grateful for down time.
I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for full weeks like this one.