If I had total freedom, what would I do?

We think that to create we need to have no limits. That's the romantic ideal, right?

What if we had total freedom to create and do the things that represented our artistic ideal?

I just became a member of a theatre company that I respect. I like the people involved. And I can't believe they asked me to join - out of all the people they could have asked. Seriously. I'm a part of their writers group, but so are a ton of my friends. And two of my best friends are in that group - and both incredible writers. They've had other writers they've been involved with who are clearly better known than me. Yet, they heard something new I wrote and they asked me. Out of the blue. I had no idea these conversations were happening.

They keep saying these complementary things to me, which is incredibly flattering and humbling and embarrassing at the same time. But I'm choosing to believe them because I've told myself so many negative things about myself for so long.

We're doing a workshop in August. And I'm meeting with them in a week to find out how I'll be fitting into the fold. I find myself asking, "If I had total freedom, what would I do?" I have a home that will at least let me hear my new plays when I write them. Hopefully, they'll produce them as well. But I know that if I need to gather actors together to hear something, that's completely available to me.

Last year, I almost got a job as a literary manager at a theatre in Portland - a major theatre there. I had no idea where my life was going in terms of career. I was working on a play I felt was important to me and to the world. But no one cared about me as a writer in the theatre or in TV - in the sense that no one was commissioning me or hiring me. What excited me about this job - and the only thing that excited me - was that I would be able to be a cultural taste maker as a person of color. And that's what theatre needs. That actually would have never happened at this theatre. I would have had to read a bunch of plays that I hated and I would have not had any power to champion the writers I wanted to champion. And I wasn't totally convinced that my writing career would continue to grow if I was putting my energy into championing other writers as a full time job. Thank God I didn't get the job - although I think up to the last minute, they wanted me. They went with someone who could fit into their fold much better. Everyone wins in that situation.

I find myself now at a theatre that wants me to be in their company because I'm a writer - and hopefully, a person - they like. I'm going to this company meeting to find out why they chose me. It'll be my first meeting as a company member where I'll be getting introduced. I'll still get to be a taste maker because I'll be helping in suggesting writers for the various programs and events the theatre does. But the reason they chose me is because of a play I wrote that represents me wholeheartedly.

So now that I have this support - not that I have total freedom - but what will I do? How will I use this opportunity to expand on who I am as a writer? I've always wanted to write plays with more movement in them. I'd like to go back to that creative impulse I had when I started writing plays. And now that I know I have a place that will help me work on more difficult pieces that can benefit from having company support, that's going to change the way I approach my theatre making. That's exciting. I've taken my writing as far as I can alone to this point. I need to break the glass ceiling on my work and see what happens when I have a company's support.

In the same way, I'm seeing my work as a TV writer get better because now I'm on staff and my ideas are being listened to. It just makes a huge difference in my confidence and in the vision I see for myself. I know I'm capable of so much more than I've ever been asked to do. And that vision of myself is what I'm projecting because I can see who that person is. He's clearer to me than ever before.

I am grateful for HBO documentaries.
I am grateful for art.
I am grateful for company support.
I am grateful for being opened up artistically.