Memorial

I've spent most of the weekend remembering back to the past three years where I would go camping with my ex-boyfriend in Joshua Tree and a bunch of our friends. It was the closest we came to a tradition in our relationship. I loved the consistency of that trip. I would cook carne asada and we would get steaks. We would smoke cigarettes and drink Fireball. Those camping trips - and the other ones we took over the summer - were the happiest times we had as a couple.

I've been sad most of this weekend. Even though we broke up almost five months ago, nothing close to a ritual has come up yet. I wasn't particularly sad on Valentine's Day. My birthday wasn't sad to me either - both are within two days of each other. But this weekend I was sad. I have spent the weekend writing - which is all I ever do these days. I'm not sad about that. Or I should say, I'm trying not to be sad about that. Thinking about the good times we had together makes me a bit melancholy. I enjoy spending time by myself most of the time - I just took a road trip to Las Vegas and stayed in a hotel room by myself. It was glorious.

But Memorial Day in Joshua Tree was our thing. I didn't have any money during our relationship. I taught here and there and I lived off of unemployment for a bunch of that time. But Memorial Day was when we would really do something special together - and it didn't cost a lot of money. We were happy. Maybe I'm sad because last Memorial Day was the last happy memory I really have of our relationship. I'd soon find out that I'd be flying out to Portland to interview for a job that I didn't get, but just the prospect of moving caused a permanent rift in our relationship. I tried to keep that from coming, but I made a decision to look elsewhere for a job. I suppose I made the first move. And he just kept following that move with several more. We both contributed to the demise of the relationship - no one was more guilty than the other.

Last Memorial Day was pretty fantastic - two couples we knew got engaged that weekend. I cooked. I let my mind completely let go. I was relaxed, which my ex loved. Most of the time I was focused and trying to make things happen. I have an energy about me that's constantly on the go. I'm always working on something. I wrote 2000 pages last year. I was completely focused on making shit happen. And that focus paid off.

As I look forward into the second half of a year that has been prosperous and rewarding, I look to set new goals for myself. Memorial Day is officially the kick off of the summer. I want my summer to be active and fun, as well as productive. I have two trips in June scheduled: one to Sonoma and the Bay Area and the other to Portland. Chances are that I'll be in Vancouver for August working from Canada while my best friend is working on a show. The summer will mostly be spent away, which I'm kind of excited about. I need that time away. I need a change of perspective.

The second half of the year will be incredible productive writing-wise, whether that's for projects I'm getting paid for or projects I'm working on on my own. I have plenty to do either way. It's my own productive mind that wants to get this pilot done and then the next one written in quick succession while I'm working on a rewrite of a play for a workshop in August. I'll have new duties as a Company Member at the theatre company I've recently joined.

I'm determined not to let others dictate my schedule. I've booked trips out of town. I'm actively doing things that are keeping me productive. My duties with the theatre company will have to work around the paid creative work that I am doing. That's my priority right now. I want to continue to get paid to be creative. There's a real opportunity for me right now and I have to jump on it. These new pilots are a part of making that happen. But I am facing real work in front of me - opportunities that have been presented to me and I'm not going to ignore them for prestige purposes. I'm looking at opportunities that will pay me and allow me more creative freedom at a level that I didn't expect to get to until many more years down the line. I'm grateful for those opportunities and I will show my gratitude by hopping on them and putting my heart and soul into those opportunities.

I decided to work on an older play that had a reading earlier this month when I could have just cancelled that reading because I had too much going on. But I had committed to this theatre - and more importantly, I wanted to see where I could push myself in terms of working on this new play. I needed to work on something wholly original after working on a show and before possibly going back to work on something where I'll be getting a lot of creative input. I'm seeing the "art and commerce" areas of my career weaving in and out - and I'm loving it. I'm learning so much by being a paid writer. And I'm being given such opportunity to do the creative work that I want to do. I realize that it's really true that when you put yourself out there 100 percent, that it comes back to you. The dividends are tangible. And this new play that I wrote this year is all me - in so many ways. If last year's play got me my job and my manager (and counting), then this play has secured a real creative home for me for what I hope is several years to come.

So as I truly let go of one relationship, I'm entering into a new phase of my relationship with myself and my creativity. It would be reductive to say, "My work is my new lover." But I must acknowledge that I am in a work phase and that I prefer to spend my time working versus occupying my time in a relationship. I need to spend more time alone. I need to take trips alone. I need to be responsible for myself and my well being and for nobody else's. I am going to lean into this. It's scary as hell. I worry about being alone. But I know it's also thrilling and exhilarating and fun. I'm single, but I'm not looking. And that's the best relationship to be in - for me - right now.

I am grateful that I'm flying solo.
I am grateful that my friend Bill is opening up his home to me next month.
I am grateful that I have a new creative home.
I am grateful that my decision to focus on myself has been reinforced and supported by several recent opportunities.
I am grateful that I am open to the change coming my way.
I am grateful that I am losing my fear.
I am grateful that I have simplified my life.