Today, as I have been reflecting, I remembered another similar conversation with my father over ten years ago before I applied to graduate school. My father said to me that I should just give up on my dream of being a writer because who really gets to do that. No one lives the life they really want to - why did I think I was so special? Another core shaking conversation. One that resulted in a three week deep, dark depression and ultimately in me pushing myself to finish my application for graduate school. I got into NYU with a full ride.
The after math of the conversation with my brother - which was similar in that it was about the direction my life was taking - was everything that has happened in the past three and a half months. In both circumstances, I had to make a choice for myself. In the years between those two conversations, I struggled hard. My dedication to what I want to do has been tested. And now I realize that the testing and fortification of my mission in life is just going to be a constant. Enjoy the good times. Learn from the bad. But don't think for a second that the bad times mean that you've veered off course and don't think for a second that the good times mean that you've made it. I'm in it for the long haul. And I'm trying to maintain a sense of balance.
It's that old saying that you should never read your reviews - or pay attention to what people say about you - because if you believe the good ones, then you're going to believe the bad ones, too. I have pride in my work and what I do. I have been working hard on self-validation. I believe my journey to self-validation is what has gotten me to this point. I remember that night after my brother and I had a huge yelling fight. I don't even remember having an argument with him that was that bad. He had to make his point. I had to stay firm in mine. But in the days afterward, I remember believing our fight was a good thing. I had gotten emotional. I had cried in front of him. I did not regret being vulnerable. He did not make me doubt my position or my choices.
I didn't have a lot of support from my ex or my brother last year. I know they care, but I didn't have a lot of understanding. Last year was about knowing I had to stay on the path and doing it without that support. It really was my lesson in self-validation. Yes, all of the external validation I have received this year feels amazing. I can't say that I haven't gotten some confidence from it. But I still make room for the voice that tells me to keep going. I still have deeper exploration to do in my work. But it still is about the labor and not the fruits of my labor. The lesson deepens when good things happen.
It would easy to get that external validation and then start believing that even harder. Because the thing you wanted to happen happened! That's not a crazy notion. But to believe that you can only be responsible for your labor and not the fruits of your labor when the fruits seem ripe, juicy and delicious - that takes some nerve. I am still focused on the labor. Hell, I'm working on a pilot on Memorial Day. I have a secret goal to get this done before the end of May, which is tomorrow night. That way I can say that I wrote three scripts this month. If I get that done, fucking brilliant! If I don't, I haven't failed. The fact that I wrote the first draft of our series finale - in addition to reworking the outline several times - and rewriting this older play from scratch, plus dealing with casting, actors, a director, a producer and getting people to come see the damn thing - well, that's a huge success and would be an enormous accomplishment by anyone's standards. I had a brilliant May. Many things that were unexpected happened. I got interviewed by a blogger that I had been wanting to be interviewed by for years. I was asked to join a theatre company I already loved and would have given my left nut to join. Fortunately, I get to keep my left nut because they reached out to me. That seems incredible to me and such a huge thrill. If that was the one thing that happened in May, I would have been thrilled.
I set these goals for myself as benchmarks, but then I get to the work of writing. And if something's not done, but I've spent every day working on it in some capacity, then I can't see that as failing. Well, I could. But I won't. I WON'T. That has to be a deliberate decision - to not see something as failure. And I'm trying something new this year. I'm not adding things to my plate that aren't already there. This pilot was already on my plate because I wrote it and was asked by my manager to take a look at it and do more work on it. I have another pilot outline, which has been waiting for me for some time. And I have this play. Anything else that crosses my path this year will be an opportunity that comes to me. Or something I decide to do once I'm done with any of those things. But I'm continuing to leave my pathway clear. I'm allowing things to come to me. I'm remembering that the Universe can dream a bigger dream for you than you can for yourself. I'm allowing myself to become a part of the flow of shared energy.
Those two big pushes got me to work harder and focus. They made me more resolute in my mission. And I had to follow that up with action. I am ultimately grateful for both of those pushes because they proved that I was strong enough to endure them and that I persevere anyway. I am strong - and if no one else knows that, it doesn't matter. I do.
And that makes all of the difference.
I am grateful for knowing.
I am grateful for pushing through.
I am grateful for all of the good fortune I've received and grateful for the good fortune to come.
I am grateful to keep moving forward.
I am grateful for what I deserve.
I am grateful that I know I deserve it and that I know that I can't do anything to screw it up.
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