Rock Me Amadeus

I saw a production of Amadeus last night. I have read the play many times. I've seen it once in a production directed by John Doyle about ten years ago outside of London. I wasn't that excited about seeing it, but a friend of mine wanted to go see it and I got us tickets to go.

As a guy who writes plays, I'm not always that interested in seeing old plays. There are seminal plays I'll go see if they're out there - I wouldn't miss a stellar production of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf or anything by Fornes or Churchill. I'd race to go see a Sarah Kane play. I want to see things that enlighten me as a person. Amadeus is theatrical and it's a well-written, exciting play. But I was going strictly as a favor to a friend.

My big complaint about theatre these days is that we're stuck in the confines of these four character plays that take place in one room because they're easy to produce. This play had about 14 actors in it and it's not a musical. Actually, that would be considered a big musical these days maybe. Yes, maybe theatre did get indulgent at some point with 12 character plays. But there's something incredible about a play that big. Lately, I've been writing plays that are about six actors. That seems to be the sweet spot these days. And I write two act plays. Both of those things are incredibly out of fashion. But what I see are these awful plays that aren't about anything of much interest. Some of that is subject matter, but a lot of that is form. I hear other writers complain about the formulaic quality of television because it's stuck in a certain structure. But it's theatre that's stuck.

It was amazing to see a play that big and bold and theatrical. It's a history play. And I forgot how crazy Amadeus is as a character and how sad. Then I thought about one of the chef characters in the pilot I'm rewriting. He's Mozart. It seemed to make so much sense while I was watching the play and thinking about this character. Of course he's lost and a genius and can't function in real life. He's wildly uncompromising and it bites him in the ass.

My friend loves seeing these established plays because he imagines himself playing one of those great theatre roles one day. For him, going back to the history books is important. As a playwright, it's important to know the canon, but it's more important to know what's going on now. Both are vital. But I mainly go see plays and readings by friends these days. I'm glad I dragged my ass out to the theatre to see this classic which is pretty revolutionary these days because no one's doing a new play that big. It was shocking and thrilling and exciting for that. It works.

I am grateful for breaks.
I am grateful for boldness in the theatre.
I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful for hard work.
I am grateful to know where I stand.

The Mobile Studio

I might have talked about this before years ago, but I treat my creative work space as a studio rather than an office. I do a lot of work at the computer, but I like to have notecards out or white boards to brainstorm. I like the creative brainstorming that happens in my head to occur around me. I like standing up. Then I like sitting down. Then I like walking around. Then I like dancing to Beyonce.

I have to have a lot of chatter going on to figure shit out.

Right now, in my creative space, I have notecards out and I'm writing on them to figure out this new version of the pilot. I feel like I have to live in this world I'm trying to create for these characters so their actions and dialogue can feel like second nature to me as I'm writing. I like to have as many things fleshed out for me as possible.

I prefer to work on one thing at a time. That's not always the way the cookie crumbles. But I like to just be working on one writing project at a time. Now that might be one this week and one next week and another the week after. But more than one in the same time period feels impossible. It takes me a while for my brain to switch gears from one project to another. I finished a play rewrite this week and then I had to jump into working on this pilot and it took me a minute to get my brain to get into the world of the pilot.

Sometimes I have an unrealistic expectation of what I can handle. But thinking of my creative space as a studio some how feels more creative and more kinetic so that when I'm sitting down  at the computer to hammer some stuff out, it doesn't feel so heavy. It just feels like I'm filtering down.

I am grateful for the ideas in my head.
I am grateful for the time away.
I am grateful for projects not piling up on top of each other.
I am grateful for the sunshine.
I am grateful for index cards full of ideas.

A Vision's Just a Vision If It's Only in Your Head

Today was a good day for productivity of many kinds.

I woke up at 7 AM and went to the gym. I worked out for an hour and sat in the steam room. Left around 9 AM. Then came up here and sent emails - worked. Then headed out to go look for a Saks Off Fifth outlet store that someone recommended I check out. That was a bust, but I realized there's a Whole Foods nearby. That's good info for later.

Went to lunch. Brought my notebook with me in case I needed to write down notes or read anything. I didn't consult the notebook. But I ate. And it was a great bargain. $9.99 for lunch and I had prime rib. I'll be going back there, maybe on Thursday. Or on Friday - on my way out of town. That might be a good way to end my Vegas trip.

Then went to the outlet mall this guy really recommended. And ran smack into the outlet for one of my favorite stores in LA. This might have been a sign. I stalk their website, waiting for sales. So I went in and wanted everything in the store. Here's the good, bad and the ugly: everything was already marked down 30%. Then it was marked down an additional 20%. Except for the stuff in the back, which was marked down 40%. And the stuff in the way, way back, which was a sample sale rack that had samples that were really low. And it looked like everything kept getting marked down because no one was buying. It felt like it was waiting for me. So I bought the things I wanted. And as I was trying things on, and as things were fitting and looking good, I had a thought: "This stuff is meant for me. I'm buying this stuff and I'm going to look good and expensive and hip as I have my meetings." I'm fleshing out my vision of myself. It was incredible. I bought almost $1000 worth of clothes for a fraction of that. But most importantly, I was living out the vision I have for myself. I was dressing the way I wanted to dress and I was paying for it myself. I was becoming the person I've always wanted to be and projecting that through what I'll be wearing. The person people will see is the person I am on the inside as well. It wasn't just about shopping - although it was that and a lot of fun. But in a way it was my Carrie Bradshaw moment of realizing that my emotions are projected through what I wear. For so long, I let other people dress me or fit into what other people wanted me to be. Or I was depressed and stopped caring about what I wore.

I remember The Drummer said to me: "You need to look the part. When people see you, they need to go, 'That's the guy. That's the writer.' If you don't project who you are, no one's going to know you're there." He didn't say exactly that. I paraphrased and rewrote a bit. But that's the gist. I thought of him as I was trying things on and going: "Oh, that's so me. I have to have that." So yes, I have another hoodie. And I have a pair of pink faded jeans that are totally unique and weird looking, but they fit great. They're special. And that's what I wanted. I think I need to get a couple pairs of Vans slip-ons to go with the look. I can already feel that happening. But I got a great navy sweater that says "SUNDAY" on it. Everything I got has a sense of whimsy and ease and has clean lines. That's what I love to wear.

I might have to go back for another pair of shorts. One might not be enough. I'll have to see though.

Why is that important? Because I have done so much work on myself in these past few years - and especially in these last few months - that I have to look like myself. I've got the choppy bob I wanted. And now I'm building the wardrobe I've wanted.

A vision's just a vision if it's only in your head…it has to come to LIFE!"

Bit by bit, putting it together…

I am grateful for a new wardrobe.
I am grateful that my store has an outlet and I found it. 
I am grateful that it found me.
I am grateful to see what I want when I look in the mirror.
I am grateful to be doing what I want.
I am grateful to be guiding the ship.
I am grateful that I am guiding the ship to go in the direction I want to go in, without a co-captain.

The Importance of Doing Both

Now that I'm working in TV and in theatre as a writer, I realize the value of having both in my life. I always knew that I had an interest in working in both mediums. And of course I aspired to work in TV as a playwright. But it wasn't until I started working on the other side that I realized that working in both fields simultaneously is an imperative.

For me, it's as similar as being a dancer and continuing to take technique classes while you're creating your own original work. The creative impulse will keep me reading books, watching movies, finding sources of inspiration. Right now, I'm learning the craft of writing for television by doing it. I've studied TV writing in grad school and I've written a number of pilots. I've also read hundreds and hundreds of TV scripts - perhaps that number is in the thousands at this point. But until I got in a writer's room and understood how ideas are pitched and bandied about in the room, I don't think I really understood how scripts are made. It's writing by committee, even in the best situations. And I'm so used to writing alone and making decisions before I collaborate with a director and dramaturg. 

When you write by committee, you reach consensus - or at least, you have to write what your showrunner ultimately wants you to write. As a playwright, your strength is that you think outside of the norm. You know how to work in collaboration. You have fresh ideas. When you start writing by committee, things naturally get watered down. You have the room - but then you have the network and studio giving you notes as well. So everything gets smoothed out. If that's the only way you write, then preserving your ideas and your identity become of paramount importance as it relates to working in the room, on a show.

As a playwright, you're writing in your own voice all of the time - at least that's the opportunity you have. Your edges are sharp and crisp. Your identity is clear all over the page and you work hard to protect that. The trick is to take the technique of writing in a room and apply it to an original idea in a voice that's purely your own. That seems to be where the magic happens. I'm able to let go of certain things in the room that serve the story, but maybe not my personal voice or agenda, because I know I always have a place where I get to write in that voice. If I give that up, the collective tide will pull me in a certain direction in terms of my own work.

I remember a lesson I had learned a long time ago in regards to people in my life: "Let it go." I find that mantra useful in a writer's room. You fight for something you believe in - if it serves you, then you let it go. As creative people, we want so badly for our voices to be heard. And you'll follow that impulse in whatever outlet you have for your work. If your only outlet is what you do for money - and the opinions of your showrunner and executives - and sometimes your actors - count more than yours, then that voice will get drowned out pretty quickly and effectively. The wave will take you under. Now, if you see the wave coming and duck under and then pop back up when the wave passes, you're still standing strong. That doesn't mean that one should just become a people pleaser and a yes person. It's important to know the dynamic of a writer's room and how to operate within that dynamic. Then it's important to go home and do your own stuff that isn't about being produced or sold. You have to do that solo work that you want to see too - like spec pilots and screenplays. But there should be room for writing that's just for you. Some of that might get produced, but that's not necessarily the goal. 

I recently wrote something that's so purely in a voice that's all of my own, but it's also a voice I've never written in before. That play is having a workshop this summer and I just finished it a little over two months ago. I'm going to enjoy that process. I'm going to enjoy the process of being a purely creative person and having the process be all about me. Because that's not what it is in the writer's room. And it can't be until I run my own show - and even then, I have people to answer to. But I want that experience very soon. And it can happen. But I have to understand the cost of creative freedom. Creative freedom often means less money. But in TV, that also is very livable money.

If I have the sort of career where I'm making millions of dollars a year, I have to understand the pros and cons of that kind of career. If it's a position I see out, then most likely I will be writing other people's ideas and I'll be a showrunner for hire. There's a possible scenario where I get all of that financial reward and I get to do my own stuff primarily. But again, that's not the norm and I can't make a plan for that. 

I can make a plan to have creative freedom in my professional writing career. I can still take jobs that teach me how to run a room and negotiate ideas. I can still take jobs that are for the money so I can have that creative freedom. I can still take jobs that allow me the financial resources so that I can take a break when I need to and then come back. All of that is a tall order. But that's where I have the most freedom. I can decide how I want my career to go and then act on that accordingly. Every action I make in my career helps me define what I really want because it reveals to me what the options are in a clear and practical way. I no longer want to be on the outside looking in. I want to be on the inside, figuring out what kind of life I want for myself because that's where all of the information is.

I am grateful that both my TV and theatre careers are thriving.

I am grateful that I have the information necessary to make decisions for myself.

I am grateful that I'm constantly evolving and defining what I want.

I am grateful that life is revealing itself to me.

I am grateful that I feel fulfilled and purposeful on a creative level.

Prepping for a Getaway

Tomorrow I'm heading out of town for a little writer's retreat. I started this tradition for myself two years ago that I would get out of town for a week when I had time and too much work to get done in town. It's part of this philosophy that I've tried to adopt about being good to myself in the struggle to get work done.

I have four days in Vegas booked with a hotel room. I'm going to work out. I'm going to write. And I'm going to sleep. Those are my goals for myself. Relaxation is on the agenda as well. I've got HBO Now on my phone and I'm going to watch shows for inspiration.

I need some time away from my life in town. I got away last month to San Francisco to see some friends and to recharge. I'm planning on going back next month as well. But this is a different trip. This is about getting work done. It's about productivity and accomplishment. I have three scripts that I want to and need to finish this month. I'm hoping I can get them done.

• Play - I finished Act One. I have to finish the whole thing by the time I get back. I have a crazy idea that I'm going to get a second wind after finishing Act One today and move onto Act Two and get that done before I leave. I'm sure that won't happen. But I don't want to spend the whole trip working on it. I want to finish it and move onto something else.
• Pilot - I have this pilot rewrite to do that I'd also like to finish and turn into my manager this week. Staffing is a possibility and I'd like to make the effort to get it done and out the door. I need this deadline for the pilot because I'm not being pushed to finish with any sort of end date in mind. I'd like to show some effort and put myself in the best position to get hired to write on a show ASAP - if that's this staffing season or over the summer, that's fine with me. But I need to make that effort for myself and push myself.
• Episode - I'm working on another episode of the show. I just finished another draft of the outline, so I'm not sure if I'll get notes back to work on the script. If I do, then I'll try to start. But I imagine that I'll have some extra time to get the script done, so this actually isn't as much of a priority for me as I expected it to be. I thought this week was going to be about the play and the episode. But now I feel like it's going to be about the play and the pilot. The episode has to get done this month because I have a strict deadline and I'm getting paid. 

I'm looking forward to the drive. I'm looking forward to being by myself - I haven't gone away and spent any significant time alone in a really long time. I'm always going to see family or visiting with friends. I get my alone moments. But I don't get any real alone time. This is a work trip. I've got my laptop. I've got my assignments. I'm ready to work.

This year so far has been amazing. I've done a lot and I've kept up for the most part with my goals. I think back to the Year of the Challenges gauntlet I threw down for myself. I've written a script every month this year so far. I thought I'd be able to get another draft of my other pilot done in March. That didn't happen. I've been sitting on an outline for awhile. But I know I've got my next project waiting for me once this month is over.

But new things have popped up that I didn't expect. I just pitched a web series - and I'm waiting to find out if we'll get to do that. I imagine if that happens, that will keep me busy for the rest of the year. Perhaps there's some teaching happening in the Fall. And I have a workshop of a new play happening over the summer. I couldn't be happier. I knew that if I left the rest of the year open, rocket ships would find a place to land. And so far, three have landed. I'm hoping to keep my launching pads open so that friendly ships can continue to come and bring me with them.

Adventures await! Riding the wave!

I am grateful for surprise opportunities.

I am grateful that I'm going to be working with a new theatre company.

I am grateful that my creative and work lives are co-existing.

I am grateful that I can go to Vegas and get away to get work done.

I am grateful that I get to see my godmother this week.

I am grateful that I took a nap today. I need the rest.

Conspiring Toward Action

That sounds like some intense self-help book title.

CONSPIRING TOWARD ACTION

Something Dr. Brene Brown would write - like Daring Greatly. By the way, that's not a read. I love Dr. Brene Brown. And I aspire to keep daring greatly - so no tea, no shade, no pink lemonade. I remember that quote about how when you're putting your energy towards something that's pure, the universe conspires to help you get it. I feel like I'm in that space right now. It's not a moment. It's not a mishap. It's not something I fell into. I worked hard to get here.

The thing I've learned about myself in the past few months is how just changing my POV can make all the difference. I didn't change the way I worked. I changed the way I thought. Maybe it's because I left my boyfriend. Maybe it's because I made different choices. Maybe it's because I finally thought I deserved the things I had desired. Maybe it's luck. Maybe it's preparation. Maybe it's a combination of all of those things. I am not sure why the Universe has conspired in this way now. But I want it to continue.

And when a way of thought is reinforced, then that way of thinking gets stronger. And yes, it does turn into finding a new level of hard work. I can definitely say that I am working harder now that I had been before. But when I reached that high point of working on my own and pushing myself, I had exceeded my own boundaries. I needed - and had a desire for - an outside entity to teach me by giving me an extra push. I got what I asked for.

I had spent two years working really hard - and not that that's all it takes - the work has to be continual. I do know that my relationship had gotten in the way. It made me doubt how hard I was working and how I was working. I don't blame my ex for any ill-intent, but his energy was a block. I can see that now. It didn't look like a red-eyed monster or a fire-breathing dragon. It looked like a sweet, nice guy from Wisconsin with friendly, beautiful blue eyes, nice things to say, encouragement, and a great body. It looked like all of the things I was supposed to want and invite into my life. But all of those things were a distraction from what I should be doing - which is working, hard and constantly on myself. Putting myself first. I feel now that once I get the rhythm of doing for myself down and making my own way, then I will attract a partner who will support and reflect all of those things back to me. I have big things that I want and more places to go.

I have to renew my passport - side bar, but not really. There's something about expanding my world view that involves being able to travel.

May is going to be a busy month for me. I have this play reading on the 23rd. I have my episode of the show I'm supposed to write. My manager wants me to do a rewrite of a pilot and I just got an email about another project the company I'm working for is interested in having me develop. I'm super interested, of course. There are plenty of irons in the fire right now. And it seems like the more in the direction of being productive and getting my shit done, the more opportunities open up for me. That's a good thing.

I'm just going to keep on truckin'. Not paying attention to any thing going on around me. Just with my head firmly down on my own paper, moving forward.

I am grateful for the opportunities blossoming for me.
I am grateful for good news.
I am grateful to be writing and getting paid for it.
I am grateful for my ability to go away and get my work done.
I am grateful that I can focus.

Happy Accidents

I'm not going to Vegas tomorrow. I made a mistake and booked the trip for the following week. I'm sure glad I wasn't going to Bali.

I'm actually teaching this week - listening to student pitches on Tuesday and rejoining my Playwriting class on Wednesday to listen to student work and to teach a class in TV pitching. And I still have to write the play this week. Yikes!

I'm certainly testing the limits of what I'm capable of. I consider it all training for what lies ahead. The good news is that I didn't have to rearrange my trip or lose any money. I'm making money this week and that will pay for both of my writing retreats - the one I'm taking this week and the one I'm taking next week in Vegas. I decided to make a retreat out of San Diego and to go down Monday through Thursday. I do find inspiration from being around during finals week. I like being on campus late at night when other people are studying. It's really an inspiration. There's the buzz of productivity which really helps me out.

I'm trying to get work done today. I'm not having such luck. But I did do laundry. I went to target. I'm doing dishes now. I washed my car. That's pretty good for productivity. I also put some clothes away and cleaned up around the house. I made lunch. That's productive, right?

I'm trying. I'm supposed to write a scene where these two characters are in love. I should be able to do that. So far I'm not very successful.

I'm glad I get to see my students again. I'm happy to get paid. I'm happy that I'm getting two writers retreats. It's indulgent. But I really need it.

Oh, and I get to go to my favorite Soupplantation in the world that's in San Diego. Okay, it's ALL good.

I am grateful to be going to San Diego this week.
I am grateful to be going to Vegas next week.
I am grateful to be working.
I am grateful to be full of ideas.
I am grateful to be alone on a Sunday.
I am grateful to be meeting up with friends later tonight for dinner.
I am grateful for fun, laughs and good times.