I've been doing these running affirmations for the past several weeks, some of which I've shared on here. My friend Susan has been telling me that she walks in my neighborhood in the mornings, but she never calls me! One morning, two weeks ago, she finally texted me at 7:30 in the morning. Fortunately, I was awake and needed a kick in the ass to get my day started. So I got up and ran up to the walking path one block away to meet up with her. Since then, we've done it twice, the third time being this morning.
A few things about my friendship with Susan:
We've known each other since graduate school at NYU. I met her on my very first day working as a Graduate Assistant, which meant that I got to go to school on a full ride and in exchange, I worked 20 hours a week in the Dramatic Writing Department. So, it has been awhile. And since moving to LA years ago, she has been working her ass off. Recently, it has really started paying dividends. But even with that great success, she continues to be a great, generous friend. She's someone I've confided in about break ups, insecurities, frustrations and about life in general, both inside and outside of the business. She's been a rock for me.
We have a history of these walks and runs that we do together where we talk about what's we're working on. We try to move our bodies as we're trying to move our careers forward. And sometimes, it's just cardio. But not often. We usually have a lot to say.
This morning, Susan texted me at about 7:45 AM:
"Walking in twenty minutes."
I woke up at 8:30. I had a busy week writing my ass off last week for a deadline. I was playing catch up with friends and with sleep over the weekend. So I looked at the message and texted her right away:
"Shit! Bummed I missed this? Are you still on your walk?"
She messages me right away that she was running late and was heading out now. I brushed my teeth and headed out the door. There was Susan, with her hair up, and a headband, I think. She was ready to move.
"I was thinking about the 'superstar' thing you said the other day..."
I told Susan that a mutual associate of ours had spoken of her very highly last week. I had met up with this associate and we started chatting about how amazing Susan is. The mutual friend said she wouldn't mind if I mentioned it to Susan (since she knew I would anyway) and so I did.
"...It's kind of messing with my head."
Susan went on to talk about her ego. She didn't want to start believing her own hype. We had gone to a progressive church together yesterday and the speaker talked about placing too much emphasis on accomplishments and believing our own hype. I found it interesting that this is the same person basically responsible for The Secret. But along with the power of positive thinking and the Law of Attraction, I think any idea can be misconstrued for its own purposes. Especially when people are trying to manifest a yacht.
Susan is a humble person. She's someone who really works to do things for other people. We both ran programs for the NYU Writers Lab West, an alumni organization for LA-based writers. We're both invested in community and the idea of helping other people. While I appreciated my friend's humility, I had some of my own revelations lately and I wasn't shy about sharing. I said something along the lines of this:
"I get it. We shouldn't let our ego guide our lives. But what you're talking about isn't ego. It's accomplishment. And sometimes, we're so used to pushing ourselves and feeling like we haven't gotten there yet, that when we do get somewhere, we're afraid to celebrate it. And we call it ego because we don't want to be thought of as the person who's misguided and full of themselves. We don't want to be selfish or self-involved or entitled. We've seen too many people like that who are just full of themselves.
"But you don't want to diminish who you are. Being a 'superstar' just means that this person sees you as a leading writer. When you're running a marathon, at some point, a runner will pull ahead of the pack. And right now that person is you. You've been saying for years that you see what a Showrunner does, you've looked at the job description and you've realized that you could do that job. Yet, you're saying you're worried about your ego. But you know what a Showrunner is--besides an Executive Producer and the boss? A Showrunner is a leading writer. A Showrunner is a Superstar Writer. So, unless you want to be a non-writing EP, you have to be a Superstar Writer first before you get to be a Showrunner."
Susan looks at me and smiles.
"Sorry," I say. "I just get worked up."
And I do get worked up because I get it. I have the same attitude. My tarot cards told me (read by Susan) a month ago that I have success around me. But I don't feel successful. Everything is within my reach, but I don't act or feel like everything I want is within my reach. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not there yet. The cards said I am there and I just need to see it. That's why the dance class I took a week and a half ago had such significance for me. (For reference, it's here: http://creativityinrealtime.blogspot.com/2013/10/im-dancer.html) I finally saw it. I finally experienced the feeling of being exactly who I am, in the way that I am, and understanding how beautiful and brilliant I am when I'm doing exactly everything I'm capable of. And to realize that it's not a once in a blue moon experience. It's a daily experience.
And that's not ego. I told Susan that the Dalai Lama says something too:
With the realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world. According to my own experience, self-confidence is very important. That sort of confidence is not a blind one; it is an awareness of one's own potential. On that basis, human beings can transform themselves by increasing the good qualities and reducing the negative qualities.
If we examine our mental world, we find there are various mental factors which have both positive and negative aspects. For instance, we can look at two types which are quite similar: one is self-confidence and the other is conceit or pride. Both of them are similar in that they are uplifting states of mind which give you a certain degree of confidence and boldness. But conceit and pride tend to lead to more negative consequences, whereas self-confidence tends to lead to more positive consequences.
I usually make a distinction between different types of ego. One type of ego is self-cherishing in order to get some benefit for itself, disregarding the rights of others. This is the negative ego. Another ego says, "I must be a good human being. I must serve. I must take full responsibility." That kind of strong feeling of "I" or self opposes some of our negative emotions.
So there are two types of ego, and wisdom or intelligence makes a distinction. Similarly, we must be able to distinguish between genuine humility and a lack of confidence. One may mistake the two because both of these are sort of slightly humbling mental functions, but one is positive and the other is negative.
This was what I was trying to say to Susan. It is one thing to be humble and thankful. But it's another thing to not appreciate your gift and to diminish it so not to appear full of one's self. And that is a lack of confidence. You need confidence in order to boldly do things and say things that need to be done and said. I'm learning that lesson every day. I am making a conscious effort to put that lesson front and center in my life. Because if I don't realize how good I am, then I don't understand the value of that gift and I give it away or I let it go because I don't understand how special I am. And not to get all spiritual, but under valuing our God-given gifts is disrespectful.
And I don't like it when I'm full of myself, but I find it utterly offensive to be disrespectful. But just like ego can be a trap, so can a lack of confidence and respect for one's abilities disguised as humility.
I gave Susan an earful this morning. But thankfully, she was gracious enough to listen to me and hopefully understand where I was coming from. That's a good friendship.
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