Running Affirmations: Seven

The great thing about any practice is that you can put it down for a second, then pick it right back up.  I've been busy with life shit and haven't had time to run.  The time I spent in Hancock Park at my friends' house dogsitting was affirming for me.  I had these lovely neighborhoods and beautiful homes to fantasize about and to visualize myself playing in the front lawn.
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Now that I'm back in my own neighborhood, I can look out at the path that I follow and focus my energies on staying on the path.  I started out with my walk, as I usually do, and I didn't have anything that I could think of to visualize.  I started on the run and just let my mind run blank.  I didn't try to force anything.  I just let my mind go.  Then I turned around and headed in the other direction for the longer portion of my run.  Still nothing.  I felt like I couldn't even open my mouth. I was frozen.  But the running continued and I opened my mouth.  I don't remember what I said, just a lot of jibber jabber I'm sure.  I knew it would come if I kept my running up.  Finally I spoke:

The Breakthrough Can Happen Now

When I was a senior in college, I decided to put on my own show as a senior project.  Not being a theatre major per se, I couldn't do anything that was officially sponsored by the department.  My
goal was to do a show with my words and my choreography.  Even though I was a playwright, I decided not to do something as static as a play.  I called the show breakthrough because in the poems I was dancing to, I had these images of things breaking through the surface or breaking out.  That moment for me was a real epiphany of what I was capable of.

I have been working for years for that breakthrough and for various reasons, I have kept myself from getting there.  Either I didn't think I was ready or I wanted to study more or I wanted to be more certain.  But I'm learning to live with doubt.  I'm learning to live with loneliness.  I'm learning to live with myself.  Those things won't go away, I just need to co-exist with them and hope they fuel my work and feed my soul.

So as I was running and proclaiming that "The breakthrough can happen now", I remembered my fave Whitman poem, which I wrote down a few blog posts ago.  Yes, it's true that whenever it happens, "I can with equal cheerfulness wait", it's time.  I am never going to be as together as I want to be.  I'm working on being whole, but the work can help with that. So I'm ready for my long-overdue breakthrough.

And make it good, Universe.

I'm Done Waiting

That's it.  I'm done.  No more waiting.  Once I headed back to finish up the last leg of my run, I started saying "I'm done waiting."  As I ran more and more, the words picked up more urgency as I picked up velocity.  It was a real battle cry.  It was a real fuck you to the Universe.  I'm done.  I don't want to wait no more.  You've taken everything from me and I'm ready for you to give it back.  Thank you for keeping it safe and letting it accrue interest.  But it's time.  I'm done waiting.  I'm ready and full and whole into the person I know I am and have become.

Let's get to it.  Enough already.

I ran faster and faster on my way home.  Instead of getting tired and losing steam, I picked up the pace. I finished strong.  And that's how I want to be.