I think I do it in this blog and in other blogs I've written over the years. I have a friend/acquaintance that told me a couple of years ago that she had read a blog I was actively writing at the time. "It's really personal," she said, in a somewhat accusatory tone. And I always say that if it's not personal, what's the point? In the blog she was referencing (http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com), I was talking about the demise of a relationship I had been in for five years. At least it started out that way. Because in the three years since I started writing that blog, my Dad got sick and eventually died, I started teaching, I met my boyfriend and countless other changes happened.
I don't have a problem being confessional. But when it comes to characters, I have a harder time I think. I don't know, maybe I'm being too harsh on myself. But I feel like when I sit down to write a TV script sometimes I'll get so immersed in the mechanics of it all. I'll think about what people will actually sit down and watch. I'll think about what types of stories will get me a job. I think very strategically. As if there's a formula for all of this success.
As I watch my friends have varying levels of success writing for television, I notice that there isn't one way to get it done.
- I have several friends who were writer's assistants for years and then got their first staff writing jobs.
- I have friends who wrote separately, then decided to team up and then started having great success.
- I have friends who have written successful plays.
- I have friends who gave up and then the success came.
- I have friends who got a phone call to come out to LA to meet with someone on a new show that just got picked up and never left.
It happens so many ways. If I just get that through my thick head, then maybe I won't be so hard on myself for it not happening yet. I was listening to Julian Fellowes being interviewed on our local NPR station and he said that if you're good, they'll find you. I have tons of friends who say that. But these friends also say that by the time it happened for them, something had shifted in themselves. Some piece of information that they kept telling themselves, that subconsciously held them back, they stopped believing. Whether it was not being good enough or not deserving success, there was something they had to let go of.
For me, the process of letting go has been going on in a very self-conscious way for the past three years now. I have an incredible will when it comes to things, I might have mentioned that in past blogs. So for me to deprogram a way of negative thinking takes some effort. But once I believe in something, I'm sticking to it like glue. That's both a good and bad thing.
I am much better about reaching out and letting people know that I need help. I'm still guarded in a lot of ways, but I've started letting people know that I don't have everything lined up. People usually say to me, that I'm doing everything I should be doing, but it's just a matter of time. I feel if I was doing everything I should be doing, it would feel like I was getting closer. However, if you'll recall, my tarot reading from over a month ago said that it is close, but I'm convinced that it's not. And that's why things aren't moving faster. I'm holding myself back.
And I'm in full agreement on that. I still think there's more I can give. I work hard, but I think I need to work more focused. I have to set a goal. I'm doing a lot of work without setting a specific goal, so all of that energy dissipates and has no where to go. It's an ego thing for me to realize that I'm not doing everything right. It's the ego that keeps me telling people, "I got this." Well, if I got this, then they don't have to give me the number of the producer they know. They don't have to give me advice. They don't have to read my script or put me in touch with their agent. Because it's taken care of. But the fact is, it's my ego who doesn't want to appear weak or lost or in need of help. That's the negative thought I need to let go of:
Needing help doesn't mean that you're not good enough.
It's my ego that wants to portray this strong individual who's got it all together. It's my ego that's keeping me in a fixed state. The fact of the matter is that anyone at any point of their career should be progressing and moving forward. So that just means that you're never where you want to be. It's important to acknowledge one's accomplishments. But if you're still hungry, it means that there are still people who can be advisors and mentors and friends who have information to help you achieve your goals. It's a group effort. It really does take a village. And it's good for the soul for us to tap the shared Universal energy and use it. That involves sharing: sharing information and sharing that you need help.
And I need to share more in my characters and not just think about strategy. Because strategy without content is...
What is it, really? It's not entertainment. It's not story. It's not sellable. It's not a script. It's just a vehicle for selling. And at that point you're not being creative. You're just a marketplace with nothing on the shelves.
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