Three years ago, I went through some major life changes that set me on a path to rediscover myself as a true and complete creative being. Being creative was something I did on the side, like fucking around. It was my mistress. I did it in between my 50-60 hour a week job. I did it in between dealing with a boyfriend who had demons of his own he was battling.
Then I walked out of that life.
The boyfriend went.
Then the job.
I detail it in a blog I've been writing for all of that time. You'll see the last entry was well over a month ago. I've been focusing my energies on this blog, which is still about my life but from the vantage point of being a creative person. If you're curious...
http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com
Just when I was on a good path to rediscovering who I was, my Dad got sick. Then that began another part of the journey where the newfound strength and resolve I had was being tested. I was finally starting to value myself and to stop being a caretaker to a demanding boyfriend and boss. Then my Father needs me to take care of him.
Another set of lessons. And during that whole time, I still wrote. I actually wrote a lot. But I also got off the hamster wheel, which was my obsession with making it as a TV writer. I didn't stop writing or stop pursuing my career. But I stopped working to take care of my Dad.
Then Dad passes away. And another year passes where I start dealing with the grief.
And that's where things got spiritual for me. It would seem unreasonable and preposterous for me to be on what's turned out to be a three year journey or self-discovery. I would never take that time on my own. Serious things needed to happen.
But the Universe was speaking to me and it was staying STOP. I would never have done so other wise. I would have thought that a year would be enough. Then another year passed. And then ANOTHER year passed. It's not that I haven't been productive or that I haven't worked at all in that time. But the main focus of my life has not been trying to maneuver, manipulate, orchestrate and network my way into a job. The main focus of my life has been to strip everything away. To get rid of certain messages I started telling myself.
Every day is a journey. I know that sounds corny.
But it really has only been in this year since my Dad has been gone that I have started feeling things shift within me. It's funny how long it takes us to get these lessons. We went to Hawaii as a family for two weeks earlier this year to scatter my Dad's ashes and just to get some time together. That was the big reset button.
But things haven't automatically just shifted. I write every day. I work on myself every day. To some people, that seems like a frivolous way to spend several days, let alone several months or even a few years. I didn't realize I needed all of that time. It's unbelievable to me. And it has been a struggle to allow myself the time. But if I didn't start accepting that this is what was being presented to me, I'd be living a life where my eyes were half-open. I lived that way already.
I'm not sure why I'm rambling on about it. I guess I'm reflecting on it because I feel rumblings underneath my feet. I feel like things are starting to move again, but not in the way they were just racing by before. I was on someone else's momentum. Now I'm on my own path and I am ready for this next shift. Who the fuck knows what it's going to bring?
And that's fantastic.
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