Tracy Letts, author of August: Osage County, recently said in an interview with Elvis Mitchell that every time he gets to write a play he forgets how to do it. He looks at his bookshelf of the plays he's written and doesn't remember.
I know what he means.
Every time I sit down to write a play I wonder if I'm going to be able to do it. Still. Even after writing plays since I was 20 and going to NYU for graduate school. It's still a struggle. It's a delight and a joy and a privilege as well. But it's a struggle.
I wonder if I'm going to keep getting better with each one.
I wonder if it's going to be any good.
A few years ago, I wrote three plays in a short amount of time. None of those plays are plays I'd show to anyone. They are plays that I had to write to get to the next place in my playwriting. But most likely none of those plays will be produced. I needed to know that I could still write. I had written a play a few years ago that people seemed to like, even though I considered it pretty imperfect. So I wrote these three plays in quick succession.
One was about an Asian family in which the matriarch was so concerned with achievement that she had slept with her son years before to keep him focused on success.
One was about a man who traveled to China to thank the tigers who had sacrificed their penises to make natural viagra which helped him recover his sex life after he had cancer.
And the third was a transexual update of Medea in a post-apocalyptic world.
Now that I type those descriptions I realize that a big part of the problem of those plays was tone. I'm not even sure if those plays are comedies, dramas, satires. And that confusion definitely made its way onto the page.
But I wrote them fast. And I wrote one right after the other. Probably in a period of about six months or so. Even out of those "failed" attempts, people liked the first one. And the second two were well written.
Then I got the idea for my play, THE SNAKE CHARMER. And it changed the way I structured my plays. It marked a period for me where I set myself free. I started researching plays for the first time. I was writing about a piece of art and I wrote it in three separate time periods and story lines. I also wanted four actors to play multiple characters. It's a play I love and a play I'm still trying to get attention for.
Then I wrote OPEN the following year. I wrote it after a conversation with a friend of mine who's an agent and who encouraged me to ditch the pilot idea I had about open marriage and instead write a play about it. I wrote it during the Playwrights Union writing challenge two years ago. I wrote 55 pages of something. It had no end in sight. So we read it out loud and based on the comments I got from the group, I knew exactly what the play was about. It was about honesty - various degrees of honesty. And I wrote a draft of four scenes in four days. It has expanded over the years and it's now nine scenes. But this latest draft is really exciting.
I decided that last year was going to be "the year of rewrites." And I did rewrite OPEN and THE SNAKE CHARMER during that year. But I also got an idea for a Seven Deadly Sins project, of which OPEN would be the first play. And I started working on a commission application for Clubbed Thumb based on this Robert Altman's Nashville idea. I liked the parameters that they set up so much that I already decided I would write the play even if I didn't get the commission. I didn't get the commission. And the play is the next one I will write. It's a big idea and will take a long time to complete. I think. I have 25 pages of something. But I've read a lot for it. I've done a ton of research and I have a lot more to do.
But that brings me to this new play I'm writing, which I'm now calling AFTER AND BEFORE. It's the story of a priest that becomes disillusioned with the metaphysical. It's about loss. It goes backwards. And it's got three characters. This is the first time I've ever written a play with this small a cast. It's very big in terms of scope. It takes place over the course of 30 years. But it only has three people in it playing three characters. No double casting here. And it's challenging me in a new way structurally. I've never written a play that goes backwards. I was influenced by one of my favorite musicals, Merrily We Roll Along in the idea that it goes from cynicism to optimism. At least that play does. I realized as I was writing this first act and as I listened to Alfonso Cuaron talk about Gravity that this play is really about someone going from Experience to Innocence. He mentioned William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience. And that really struck a chord with me.
The play is not an intellectual conversation about how someone doesn't believe in God any more. It's really about someone who has lost and no longer has a need for the metaphysical. The play is a memory play. It's a life review. It's so human and it's so sad. And it's me dealing with the death of my father. I didn't realize that when I started writing it.
It also has a lot of music in it. I think there are things about it which are musical. I have these homilies which anchor the play. And they seem like the big breakout into song moments. They are these monologues where we get to know how our lead character tries to portray himself to his congregation even though his internal life and his personal life tell an entirely different story. And there's actual singing in it. I like it when characters connect to each other through another medium, another form of expression that tells what they can't say themselves.
Liza Minnelli has said that the lyrics of Fred Ebb gave her the means to express herself in ways that her own words failed her. I think that this is the case for Don. The music and the shared love of music between Don and Mike is something that bound them when they didn't have the words to speak their love to each other using their own words. At least that's Don's limitation. Eventually, Mike found the courage to do that in his own life.
And I've come to the end of Act One and 62 pages. I now know that I know how to write this play. I know I can finish it. That's really the important thing. Sometimes there are plays you write and you don't know how they will wrap up. That doesn't mean they aren't full of ideas or that at one point you did know how it would end. It just takes off somewhere else. That doesn't mean that I'm an advocate for neat and tidy. Not at all.
I have the feeling that I'm overwriting this play like I overwrite all of my plays in the first draft. But since I am not at the end of the play yet, I won't know what information is necessary to lay out and what isn't. So I'm giving myself lots of opportunities to lay out that information and take away what I need to when I need to.
But 62 pages in 11 days. That's an accomplishment.
I am grateful to have written Act One of this play so quickly, without rushing it.
I am grateful to know where I am going with it.
I am grateful that the idea of it is so clear and the intentions of the characters are so clear.
I am grateful that I am open to the process of letting it happen.
I am grateful that I can finish this soon and that I have other projects that await me and that I am excited about.
I am grateful to take the weekend off from working on it.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
New Voice
I was recently asked to describe in 300 words or less what makes me a new voice.
That's a great question. One that I've answered in some version or other in applications to fellowships and development opportunities in both theatre and TV over the past ten years. I have gone through several emotions in reaction to that question over the years.
Initially, I think I wanted to prove how deserving I was. I really thought about what made my voice fresh and new. And it's always coupled with the phrase "what from your background", which is code for tell us how your ethnic diversity makes you special. I could get offended by that phrase (and I have) but it's not worth my time. That sort of institutionalized insensitivity is so prevalent that it's easier to acknowledge it and move on.
Then I went into being resentful that I had to answer that question over and over again because I kept getting rejected from the programs that asked me that question several times. That was a fun time.
And now I'm here. Not feeling like I need to prove myself. But not feeling pissed off either. I have reached the "just right" stage.
So what do I say? What makes me a new voice?
I see the world differently. I always have.
Maybe that's because I'm gay.
Maybe it's because I have a memory like an elephant and can summon up TV and movie references at the drop of a hat.
Maybe it's because I'm Mexican and Chinese from a working class background and I'm constantly humbled and grateful that I've gotten as far in this business as I have.
Maybe it's because I listen to Mariah Carey and Philip Glass and Stephen Sondheim.
Maybe it's because I write both comedy and drama and comedy mixed with drama and drama mixed with comedy.
Maybe it's because I believe there's comedy in everything.
Maybe it's because I like to chair dance while I'm writing.
Maybe it's because I say things no one else will say.
Maybe it's because the cheese stands alone.
Maybe it's because I'm more perceptive than most people.
Maybe it's because I'm open-minded.
Maybe it's because I think anything's possible.
Maybe it's because I'm not monogamous--in relationships, in my cultural taste, in my desire for experiences, in my sense of adventure.
Maybe it's because I want to bring back the writer as cultural barometer and talk show staple.
Maybe it's because I'm the future.
Maybe it's because I'm from another era.
Maybe it's because I'm full of myself.
Maybe it's because I finally accept myself.
Maybe it's because I'm fun.
Maybe it's because I like to play with structure and space and time in my plays.
Maybe it's because I'm experimental.
Maybe it's because I love story and character.
Maybe it's because I love songs that tell stories.
Maybe it's because I am influenced by things other than TV.
Maybe it's because I'm influenced by things other than film.
Maybe it's because I'm influenced by things other than theatre.
Maybe it's because I'm me, muthafucka!
That's a lot of reasons.
I'm grateful that my friend Ken is recommending me for this opportunity.
I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to express who I know I am to people so they can see who I am as well.
I'm grateful that I have a great play I know will blow them away.
I'm grateful to sit in the knowledge that I am enough.
I'm grateful to have the opportunity to explain myself and put myself out there.
I'm grateful that I am still considered a new voice.
That's a great question. One that I've answered in some version or other in applications to fellowships and development opportunities in both theatre and TV over the past ten years. I have gone through several emotions in reaction to that question over the years.
Initially, I think I wanted to prove how deserving I was. I really thought about what made my voice fresh and new. And it's always coupled with the phrase "what from your background", which is code for tell us how your ethnic diversity makes you special. I could get offended by that phrase (and I have) but it's not worth my time. That sort of institutionalized insensitivity is so prevalent that it's easier to acknowledge it and move on.
Then I went into being resentful that I had to answer that question over and over again because I kept getting rejected from the programs that asked me that question several times. That was a fun time.
And now I'm here. Not feeling like I need to prove myself. But not feeling pissed off either. I have reached the "just right" stage.
So what do I say? What makes me a new voice?
I see the world differently. I always have.
Maybe that's because I'm gay.
Maybe it's because I have a memory like an elephant and can summon up TV and movie references at the drop of a hat.
Maybe it's because I'm Mexican and Chinese from a working class background and I'm constantly humbled and grateful that I've gotten as far in this business as I have.
Maybe it's because I listen to Mariah Carey and Philip Glass and Stephen Sondheim.
Maybe it's because I write both comedy and drama and comedy mixed with drama and drama mixed with comedy.
Maybe it's because I believe there's comedy in everything.
Maybe it's because I like to chair dance while I'm writing.
Maybe it's because I say things no one else will say.
Maybe it's because the cheese stands alone.
Maybe it's because I'm more perceptive than most people.
Maybe it's because I'm open-minded.
Maybe it's because I think anything's possible.
Maybe it's because I'm not monogamous--in relationships, in my cultural taste, in my desire for experiences, in my sense of adventure.
Maybe it's because I want to bring back the writer as cultural barometer and talk show staple.
Maybe it's because I'm the future.
Maybe it's because I'm from another era.
Maybe it's because I'm full of myself.
Maybe it's because I finally accept myself.
Maybe it's because I'm fun.
Maybe it's because I like to play with structure and space and time in my plays.
Maybe it's because I'm experimental.
Maybe it's because I love story and character.
Maybe it's because I love songs that tell stories.
Maybe it's because I am influenced by things other than TV.
Maybe it's because I'm influenced by things other than film.
Maybe it's because I'm influenced by things other than theatre.
Maybe it's because I'm me, muthafucka!
That's a lot of reasons.
I'm grateful that my friend Ken is recommending me for this opportunity.
I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to express who I know I am to people so they can see who I am as well.
I'm grateful that I have a great play I know will blow them away.
I'm grateful to sit in the knowledge that I am enough.
I'm grateful to have the opportunity to explain myself and put myself out there.
I'm grateful that I am still considered a new voice.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Take a Cue from Synchronicity
When my friend Susan did my tarot cards last month, one of the the cards that described my Atmosphere said I needed to "take a cue from synchronicity." And the meetings I had today were evidence of that.
Two weekends ago, a friend had asked me if I would go and be in a party scene in a web series she was directing. I figured why not. She's a friend of mine. She is a director I work with and I want to support a friend. So I went and met some great people from it. One of those people is a young, sweet-faced guy who was working on a project to do theatre in people's living rooms. He asked if I had anything and I sent him a play, the first scene of which I thought would work. We agreed to meet up for coffee.
The moment we sat down we started chatting about a new play I'm working on about a Jesuit priest. I mention that I taught at Santa Clara. He tells me he went to Loyola of Chicago and to high school at Bellermine, the boys Jesuit High School in San Jose. Synchronicity. Then we started talking more about our lives' experiences and found we had a lot in common. I liked talking to him. He was a sweetheart and really a great person to chat with. I hope we'll work on something together.
Then I had a conference call with Portland State about bringing me up to work with some of their students. First of all, this came about because of a random meeting I had with the head of the theatre department during a theatre festival I happened to be in town for when I went to visit my brother in July. Synchronicity. Then we met up in December and chatted about a program she wants to start. Then some student organizers met with her to talk about ideas for a guest speaker they could bring up to work with their students. She thought of me and now it looks like I'll be in Portland in April for work, which happens to be when my brother and his wife are expecting their third child. Synchronicity. It would be fitting that someone in the family would be up there.
I was having a conversation with my friend Clayton the other day about how I have been putting myself out there for opportunities to arrive. I can't just wait for things to happen. I need to be working in order to be ready when an opportunity comes my way. Even when it doesn't seem like it's going to pay off. And now I'm getting paid to go do workshops with the students. I think that's just a sign that I need to continue doing work and putting myself out there.
Let's keep this momentum going.
I am grateful for new friends.
I am grateful for new opportunities.
I am grateful that I will be going to Portland for work and to meet my new nephew.
I am grateful that my niece was asking about me the other day and wants me to come back to visit.
I am grateful that I have a supportive boyfriend who encourages me.
Two weekends ago, a friend had asked me if I would go and be in a party scene in a web series she was directing. I figured why not. She's a friend of mine. She is a director I work with and I want to support a friend. So I went and met some great people from it. One of those people is a young, sweet-faced guy who was working on a project to do theatre in people's living rooms. He asked if I had anything and I sent him a play, the first scene of which I thought would work. We agreed to meet up for coffee.
The moment we sat down we started chatting about a new play I'm working on about a Jesuit priest. I mention that I taught at Santa Clara. He tells me he went to Loyola of Chicago and to high school at Bellermine, the boys Jesuit High School in San Jose. Synchronicity. Then we started talking more about our lives' experiences and found we had a lot in common. I liked talking to him. He was a sweetheart and really a great person to chat with. I hope we'll work on something together.
Then I had a conference call with Portland State about bringing me up to work with some of their students. First of all, this came about because of a random meeting I had with the head of the theatre department during a theatre festival I happened to be in town for when I went to visit my brother in July. Synchronicity. Then we met up in December and chatted about a program she wants to start. Then some student organizers met with her to talk about ideas for a guest speaker they could bring up to work with their students. She thought of me and now it looks like I'll be in Portland in April for work, which happens to be when my brother and his wife are expecting their third child. Synchronicity. It would be fitting that someone in the family would be up there.
I was having a conversation with my friend Clayton the other day about how I have been putting myself out there for opportunities to arrive. I can't just wait for things to happen. I need to be working in order to be ready when an opportunity comes my way. Even when it doesn't seem like it's going to pay off. And now I'm getting paid to go do workshops with the students. I think that's just a sign that I need to continue doing work and putting myself out there.
Let's keep this momentum going.
I am grateful for new friends.
I am grateful for new opportunities.
I am grateful that I will be going to Portland for work and to meet my new nephew.
I am grateful that my niece was asking about me the other day and wants me to come back to visit.
I am grateful that I have a supportive boyfriend who encourages me.
The First Step is the Hardest
"I was lost
And now I'm free
Because I believe
in you and me."
That's the conversation I have with myself every time I start something new.
I don't always recognize it.
I think the stomach aches are because of something I ate.
I think the moodiness is because I didn't get enough sleep.
Or because I'm in a general bad mood.
But what really happens to me is that I get fearful and worried that I don't know how to do it all again when I start something new.
And I just started something new.
I've mentioned before that I have this play cycle based on the Seven Deadly sins that I'm writing. I have written one of the plays, OPEN. And now I have two more plays that I'm actively working on in the cycle. The second (but really the third) play is the one I just started called PREACH. I have had the outline ready for several months now. The outline changed a few days ago when I actually sat down to start writing it. Of course. I had the structure I wanted. The play takes place backwards. But the events of the play ended up changing.
The second play (but the third I'll be writing) is the advertising play I've written about before called I WANT IT. It's the harder of the two to write, so I'm putting it off until I get some more research done. It's also (as of right now) the play that is more about a pervasive thought and attitude than it is about characters. So I know I'm not ready to write it yet. It still exists as a concept in my head and hasn't yet come down to earth.
Not every playwright is like this (which is why I don't like every play), but I have to have people to write about. I can't have ideas solely. It's not good. It's not interesting to me. And if I start writing if I'm only in what I consider a preliminary state, I'm not helping myself. I WANT IT is a big play. It's a big idea. It has no plot to speak of. I'm handling it in a very Altman-esque way. The fun part about working on that play (which I've documented a bit here) is the research and delving into his mind a bit. Altman is as much a subject of the play in an indirect way as his approach is a model for me in working on this play. I've never written a play where the research period has been this extensive. Usually I start writing and put something away. This time, I'm only doing research and I then have to take time to let the subconscious do its job.
But more on that as I really dig into it deeper.
I just started PREACH and I'm about eleven pages in. A friend of mine recently wrote a series of recommendation letters for me for a few teaching jobs I'm applying for. Something she said about my writing really struck me. She said that I'm really trying to expand the possibility of dramatic structure. I hadn't thought about that. But in the two plays that she had read, that was definitely true. And it's only made me focus on that more in the next two plays I'm writing.
But as I thought about it, I guess it is what I've always done. It goes back to my first playwriting professor, Erik, who always said that
form follows function
I always loved that because it sounded to me like something a fashion designer would say and I have been obsessed with fashion since I was a kid.
But it's a fundamental place I write from when I'm working on a new play. And the challenge of writing this play back to front is cool to me. It's making me consider different things in how I lay out story, plot and character.
Actually, that would be a great writing exercise. Write a three scene short play where three specific things happen in each scene. Each thing that happens has to escalate in terms of importance and urgency. In other words, you need to raise the stakes. You need to have a definite beginning, middle and end. But even in your middle scene, something important has to happen. It's not just set up, action and resolution. Each scene must have all three of those things in them and all three scenes need to relate to each other. They need to tell the same story with the same characters.
Follow up: Now reverse the action of those three scenes. Start at the end and go backwards. Instead of 1-2-3. 3-2-1. Now rewrite the play knowing that you're starting at the end.
Anyhoo…that's just the geek in me. In writing the scenes of the play, I realize how different it is to write backwards. It informs every decision I make and it's actually making me much more conscious. It's kind of like checking for typos. A method for checking for typos is to read backwards. If you're just reading forwards for typos, your mind tends to fill in the blanks and you miss some things. But if you go backwards, it's not the natural way of putting a story together, so you're just looking at the words. I feel like I'm much more conscious of the wheels turning in working backwards. I have to be more clever about exposition and I have to be keenly aware of the character's motives in writing backwards. It's really interesting. And I feel like it will have an effect on how I write from this point forward. A play hasn't made me conscious of how it will make me a better writer in a long time. But I think that's what happens when you're looking at how something is structured.
But to my earlier point. It's hard to start again. You forget how to do it. You worry that you won't do it right. You worry about forgetting.
But this time I've just given myself an easy challenge to get over that. Write in a way you haven't written before. That'll do it.
I am grateful for having my three next play ideas.
I am grateful for work.
I am grateful that I am taking the time I need.
I am grateful that I am appreciating who I am, where I have been and what I have done.
And now I'm free
Because I believe
in you and me."
That's the conversation I have with myself every time I start something new.
I don't always recognize it.
I think the stomach aches are because of something I ate.
I think the moodiness is because I didn't get enough sleep.
Or because I'm in a general bad mood.
But what really happens to me is that I get fearful and worried that I don't know how to do it all again when I start something new.
And I just started something new.
I've mentioned before that I have this play cycle based on the Seven Deadly sins that I'm writing. I have written one of the plays, OPEN. And now I have two more plays that I'm actively working on in the cycle. The second (but really the third) play is the one I just started called PREACH. I have had the outline ready for several months now. The outline changed a few days ago when I actually sat down to start writing it. Of course. I had the structure I wanted. The play takes place backwards. But the events of the play ended up changing.
The second play (but the third I'll be writing) is the advertising play I've written about before called I WANT IT. It's the harder of the two to write, so I'm putting it off until I get some more research done. It's also (as of right now) the play that is more about a pervasive thought and attitude than it is about characters. So I know I'm not ready to write it yet. It still exists as a concept in my head and hasn't yet come down to earth.
Not every playwright is like this (which is why I don't like every play), but I have to have people to write about. I can't have ideas solely. It's not good. It's not interesting to me. And if I start writing if I'm only in what I consider a preliminary state, I'm not helping myself. I WANT IT is a big play. It's a big idea. It has no plot to speak of. I'm handling it in a very Altman-esque way. The fun part about working on that play (which I've documented a bit here) is the research and delving into his mind a bit. Altman is as much a subject of the play in an indirect way as his approach is a model for me in working on this play. I've never written a play where the research period has been this extensive. Usually I start writing and put something away. This time, I'm only doing research and I then have to take time to let the subconscious do its job.
But more on that as I really dig into it deeper.
I just started PREACH and I'm about eleven pages in. A friend of mine recently wrote a series of recommendation letters for me for a few teaching jobs I'm applying for. Something she said about my writing really struck me. She said that I'm really trying to expand the possibility of dramatic structure. I hadn't thought about that. But in the two plays that she had read, that was definitely true. And it's only made me focus on that more in the next two plays I'm writing.
But as I thought about it, I guess it is what I've always done. It goes back to my first playwriting professor, Erik, who always said that
form follows function
I always loved that because it sounded to me like something a fashion designer would say and I have been obsessed with fashion since I was a kid.
But it's a fundamental place I write from when I'm working on a new play. And the challenge of writing this play back to front is cool to me. It's making me consider different things in how I lay out story, plot and character.
Actually, that would be a great writing exercise. Write a three scene short play where three specific things happen in each scene. Each thing that happens has to escalate in terms of importance and urgency. In other words, you need to raise the stakes. You need to have a definite beginning, middle and end. But even in your middle scene, something important has to happen. It's not just set up, action and resolution. Each scene must have all three of those things in them and all three scenes need to relate to each other. They need to tell the same story with the same characters.
Follow up: Now reverse the action of those three scenes. Start at the end and go backwards. Instead of 1-2-3. 3-2-1. Now rewrite the play knowing that you're starting at the end.
Anyhoo…that's just the geek in me. In writing the scenes of the play, I realize how different it is to write backwards. It informs every decision I make and it's actually making me much more conscious. It's kind of like checking for typos. A method for checking for typos is to read backwards. If you're just reading forwards for typos, your mind tends to fill in the blanks and you miss some things. But if you go backwards, it's not the natural way of putting a story together, so you're just looking at the words. I feel like I'm much more conscious of the wheels turning in working backwards. I have to be more clever about exposition and I have to be keenly aware of the character's motives in writing backwards. It's really interesting. And I feel like it will have an effect on how I write from this point forward. A play hasn't made me conscious of how it will make me a better writer in a long time. But I think that's what happens when you're looking at how something is structured.
But to my earlier point. It's hard to start again. You forget how to do it. You worry that you won't do it right. You worry about forgetting.
But this time I've just given myself an easy challenge to get over that. Write in a way you haven't written before. That'll do it.
I am grateful for having my three next play ideas.
I am grateful for work.
I am grateful that I am taking the time I need.
I am grateful that I am appreciating who I am, where I have been and what I have done.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Envy
I have a play cycle I'm writing about the Seven Deadly Sins.
One of the Deadly Sins is Envy. I have spent so much of the past three years being envious of other people. I have always been an optimist, a relentless annoying optimist. Maybe it was my Dad dying, maybe it was being out of the business essentially for the past three years. But I felt left out. At least working my job as a development person in TV made me feel like I was a player in the game. But I wasn't the quarterback or the pitcher or the goalie. I was just on the bench.
There was a period of time where I would see things on Facebook and it would instantly fill me with shame, regret, and anger. It was usually about someone else's success: a play they wrote, a prize they won, a production, an opportunity.
Now I realize how useful that time was.
My time as a relentless optimist was dishonest. I was just being happy for other people because I was supposed to be. Not because I really was. At least in the past five or so years. At some point, I think when there was nothing but possibility in my life I genuinely was happy because I hadn't truly been disappointed in myself yet.
That happened. And envy set in, even though I was denying it. It was like a cancer. And it was growing: Stage 1, 2, 3…
But finally I'm treating it and dealing with the fact that I have this illness in myself that I want to erase all traces of. And what do I want to replace it with?
LOVE
Of course. How relentlessly optimistic.
But I lived in FEAR. Fear of not making it. Fear of disappointing everyone who every thought I was something. Fear of disappointing myself.
And it's unfair to do that to myself. It's also very real.
But I am so enjoying the work I'm creating and the ideas I'm having and the life I'm living and the person I am that I am making less and less room for the fear. It's not that I have to go to great lengths to get rid of it. I just have to not have any space in my life for it.
I've about reached capacity.
And now that I've stopped denying my envy and acknowledging my fear and then replacing it with something counteractive, something different, I feel differently about my friends successes.
I can truly say, "That is their success." And mean it.
My success is being as strong, educated, cultured and gifted as I am and being able to celebrate that. My success is no longer having room for the fear.
My success is being inspired by things and creating work from what I'm inspired by.
My success is finally accepting love in my personal life and into my personal self.
So where does envy fit in? Where does fear fit in?
There's no room at the inn. So it just moves on to some place else where there is vacancy. But not here. Not with me.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for rest.
I am grateful for an open mind.
I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for having new and abundant ideas.
I am grateful for letting go of fear and envy.
One of the Deadly Sins is Envy. I have spent so much of the past three years being envious of other people. I have always been an optimist, a relentless annoying optimist. Maybe it was my Dad dying, maybe it was being out of the business essentially for the past three years. But I felt left out. At least working my job as a development person in TV made me feel like I was a player in the game. But I wasn't the quarterback or the pitcher or the goalie. I was just on the bench.
There was a period of time where I would see things on Facebook and it would instantly fill me with shame, regret, and anger. It was usually about someone else's success: a play they wrote, a prize they won, a production, an opportunity.
Now I realize how useful that time was.
My time as a relentless optimist was dishonest. I was just being happy for other people because I was supposed to be. Not because I really was. At least in the past five or so years. At some point, I think when there was nothing but possibility in my life I genuinely was happy because I hadn't truly been disappointed in myself yet.
That happened. And envy set in, even though I was denying it. It was like a cancer. And it was growing: Stage 1, 2, 3…
But finally I'm treating it and dealing with the fact that I have this illness in myself that I want to erase all traces of. And what do I want to replace it with?
LOVE
Of course. How relentlessly optimistic.
But I lived in FEAR. Fear of not making it. Fear of disappointing everyone who every thought I was something. Fear of disappointing myself.
And it's unfair to do that to myself. It's also very real.
But I am so enjoying the work I'm creating and the ideas I'm having and the life I'm living and the person I am that I am making less and less room for the fear. It's not that I have to go to great lengths to get rid of it. I just have to not have any space in my life for it.
I've about reached capacity.
And now that I've stopped denying my envy and acknowledging my fear and then replacing it with something counteractive, something different, I feel differently about my friends successes.
I can truly say, "That is their success." And mean it.
My success is being as strong, educated, cultured and gifted as I am and being able to celebrate that. My success is no longer having room for the fear.
My success is being inspired by things and creating work from what I'm inspired by.
My success is finally accepting love in my personal life and into my personal self.
So where does envy fit in? Where does fear fit in?
There's no room at the inn. So it just moves on to some place else where there is vacancy. But not here. Not with me.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for rest.
I am grateful for an open mind.
I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for having new and abundant ideas.
I am grateful for letting go of fear and envy.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
How I Feel About Myself
When I did my tarot cards a few weeks ago, the Shaman of Wands appeared in the area of How I Feel About Myself. This card was inverted.
I see myself as a Self-Starter.
Entrepreneur.
Uses Full Potential.
Relentless Drive and Energy.
I am well on my way to the path of spirituality.
Joy and Plenty can be spiritual experiences as much as denial and austerity can be.
Relax a little and maybe the spiritual growth will happen faster.
I don't have to deny myself to get deeper spiritually.
In all of the ways I see myself, I am not acting on them. I am not acting as a self starter, an entrepreneur, someone who uses their full potential or someone with relentless drive and energy. Or I wasn't when this reading was done.
I am choosing Systems over Goals - ways of doing things every day.
I have reached out to people for work.
I am writing every day.
I have drive and energy, but I am taking time to rest and be quiet as well. I really feel driven towards that right now.
I'm reading How to Practice by the Dalai Lama and I'm falling asleep. I'm putting my feet up. I'm spending a lot of time in silence. I'm relaxing.
That does seem antithetical to being a self starter or having relentless energy. But I feel like my internal energy needs some attention. My inner spirit. I am just focused on listening and less on doing. Change happens in small ways just by being present.
That' is a new approach for me. But one I'm willing to try.
I know those things are true about myself and I want other people to see them as well. I want my internal and external energies to reflect each other.
I am grateful for this time to relax.
I am grateful that the library had the Dalai Lama's book for me to check out immediately.
I am grateful for continued health.
I see myself as a Self-Starter.
Entrepreneur.
Uses Full Potential.
Relentless Drive and Energy.
I am well on my way to the path of spirituality.
Joy and Plenty can be spiritual experiences as much as denial and austerity can be.
Relax a little and maybe the spiritual growth will happen faster.
I don't have to deny myself to get deeper spiritually.
In all of the ways I see myself, I am not acting on them. I am not acting as a self starter, an entrepreneur, someone who uses their full potential or someone with relentless drive and energy. Or I wasn't when this reading was done.
I am choosing Systems over Goals - ways of doing things every day.
I have reached out to people for work.
I am writing every day.
I have drive and energy, but I am taking time to rest and be quiet as well. I really feel driven towards that right now.
I'm reading How to Practice by the Dalai Lama and I'm falling asleep. I'm putting my feet up. I'm spending a lot of time in silence. I'm relaxing.
That does seem antithetical to being a self starter or having relentless energy. But I feel like my internal energy needs some attention. My inner spirit. I am just focused on listening and less on doing. Change happens in small ways just by being present.
That' is a new approach for me. But one I'm willing to try.
I know those things are true about myself and I want other people to see them as well. I want my internal and external energies to reflect each other.
I am grateful for this time to relax.
I am grateful that the library had the Dalai Lama's book for me to check out immediately.
I am grateful for continued health.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Ideas, Ideas, Ideas [Music, Music, Music]
It's a good day to wake up and feel like I have too many ideas and not enough time.
I've had the reverse and trust me, it's a living hell. Because then you're just scrapping the bottom of the barrel. I remember years ago when I was in this cycle of trying to write TV spec scripts. It was awful. The sheer anxiety of not having a good enough idea for an episode of 30 Rock or Two and a Half Men. And those scripts exist somewhere. They're serviceable, but not special.
Liz pretends to have cancer to get in with Don Geist's wife, who runs a cancer survivor's foundation, to help Jack keep his job.
I had a Bernie Mac spec where Jordan has a wet dream.
A great spec of The Office where everyone switches jobs for the day. That script was brilliant, actually. Great idea, great execution. And still it did nothing.
A Modern Family about a school talent show involving all of the kids that was funny and heartfelt.
Then other specs of various success: Two and a Half Men, Glee, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Entourage and True Blood.
Some of those scripts were like pulling teeth. Oy. Because the ideas were created to service a show, to try and get a job. They weren't written from any genuine place of care or concern. They were job applications. Listen, that's a skill that many working writers have. So I would never disrespect that. I come from a different place when I write. Even though I tried to put myself into those characters and say something with those specs, it was never a true representation of me. And that doesn't look good on me. Some people can wear speedos and some can't. Not everyone looks good in high waisted jeans, pleated pants or a halter top. It's not a good fit.
I'm not trying to have an art versus commerce argument. I'm not trying to place a value on one versus another. But it just feels good to have ideas about scripts I'm excited about. Some of them might seem more commercial than others. But I'm not writing towards that. I'm choosing a subject, a character, a setting that sounds interesting to me. Then I'm executing it in the best way possible given the subject and the structure I've chosen. That's really all I can do. And care about it. I have to care about it.
For me.
That's not a rule for anyone else. Or even a prescription for the best plays or TV pilots. It is what fits the best on me.
I'm grateful that I know the difference between what works for me and what's a serious judgment.
I'm grateful that I know it's none of my business.
I'm grateful to have so many ideas and the time and energy to write.
I've had the reverse and trust me, it's a living hell. Because then you're just scrapping the bottom of the barrel. I remember years ago when I was in this cycle of trying to write TV spec scripts. It was awful. The sheer anxiety of not having a good enough idea for an episode of 30 Rock or Two and a Half Men. And those scripts exist somewhere. They're serviceable, but not special.
Liz pretends to have cancer to get in with Don Geist's wife, who runs a cancer survivor's foundation, to help Jack keep his job.
I had a Bernie Mac spec where Jordan has a wet dream.
A great spec of The Office where everyone switches jobs for the day. That script was brilliant, actually. Great idea, great execution. And still it did nothing.
A Modern Family about a school talent show involving all of the kids that was funny and heartfelt.
Then other specs of various success: Two and a Half Men, Glee, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Entourage and True Blood.
Some of those scripts were like pulling teeth. Oy. Because the ideas were created to service a show, to try and get a job. They weren't written from any genuine place of care or concern. They were job applications. Listen, that's a skill that many working writers have. So I would never disrespect that. I come from a different place when I write. Even though I tried to put myself into those characters and say something with those specs, it was never a true representation of me. And that doesn't look good on me. Some people can wear speedos and some can't. Not everyone looks good in high waisted jeans, pleated pants or a halter top. It's not a good fit.
I'm not trying to have an art versus commerce argument. I'm not trying to place a value on one versus another. But it just feels good to have ideas about scripts I'm excited about. Some of them might seem more commercial than others. But I'm not writing towards that. I'm choosing a subject, a character, a setting that sounds interesting to me. Then I'm executing it in the best way possible given the subject and the structure I've chosen. That's really all I can do. And care about it. I have to care about it.
For me.
That's not a rule for anyone else. Or even a prescription for the best plays or TV pilots. It is what fits the best on me.
I'm grateful that I know the difference between what works for me and what's a serious judgment.
I'm grateful that I know it's none of my business.
I'm grateful to have so many ideas and the time and energy to write.
Blowing My Own Horn
It's 2014!
I'm excited!
I'm listening to Justin Timberlake cover The Jacksons' "Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)" on BBC1! I'm sure I'm annoying the people trying to be serious at the Weho Library with my desk dancing. I'm wearing headphones!
Last year was great for the writing. I wrote a pilot called FUSION. I rewrote two plays of mine, OPEN and THE SNAKE CHARMER. I wrote a bunch of blog posts. And I started a new play, I WANT IT and an outline for another play called PREACH.
I said that last year would be the year for rewriting. I didn't really have any new ideas for plays going in. I skipped my group's February 2013 playwriting challenge because I didn't have anything new I wanted to work on. I really wanted to work on the pilot. And I think I was still in recovery from my Dad's passing. It had only been about six months at that point. I didn't want to force myself back into writing something new.
I did something I've never done. I hibernated. I had plenty of things to occupy me in my proverbial cave. I had projects I had started and that I wanted to redo or rewrite. The year before (2012), I had written three new pilots and a new play. And my Dad was dying and died. I needed to write to get me through it. And I didn't care how polished it was. I just needed output of new ideas. The new ideas kept me running from my feelings. And I really needed to keep running. It made me stronger and it gave me plenty of stamina.
Then last year, I wanted to just focus on making those things better. I needed something familiar. I needed to train instead of running race after race.
And now. Now I have plenty of ideas.
About half way through 2013, I started having ideas. I got a notice about a commission that a theatre company was doing. It had parameters. I read the list. Then I just started keeping a journal. And I took the assignment on. I had no idea what I would write about. I just started watching Robert Altman movies because I had nothing else to do. Instead of just watch the one movie they had mentioned, I decided to keep watching. I got up to about 11 or 12 films. Then the setting came to me. And that's really what I have. I have some ideas for characters, but I sent them what I had. They didn't pick up on my vibe, so I didn't get the commission. But I knew it would fit into the seven play cycle that I had planned on writing.
Oh yeah. In the middle of this "break" from anything new, I got an idea for a new seven play cycle based on the seven deadly sins. But I knew I would put off any new writing until the beginning of the year.
That play sparked another idea for a pilot, based on something Altman never finished and a pilot I had written three years ago.
Then at the end of the year, I started working with my best friend on some new sketches. And got another idea for a half hour pilot.
So I guess that's what's on my docket for this year. That's a lot to get done. Maybe I should make a two year plan. I read this article recently from Entrepreneur magazine that was about setting up systems for accomplishments rather than just focusing on goals.
It can be summed up this way:
Play about advertising that I've started.
Play about my friend Dave that I've outlined.
Play about growing up and loving Woody Allen.
Play about a woman who was a musician in the 1970s looking back.
TV pilot that I'm revisiting.
New TV comedy pilot.
TV sketch show with my friend Alanna.
Okay, so now I want to take these writing goals out of it and just include the systems.
Even though that list of things I need to do is long, it seems like fun and it seems doable. It's funny. When I look at the goal list, it feels intimidating. I doubt whether or not I can get all of that done. But when I look at the tasks alone, it all looks like just parts of my day. And it shows variety instead of
DO THIS
THEN THIS
THEN THAT WHEN YOU'RE DONE
THEN MORE
YOU'RE NOT DONE YET
YOU'RE ONLY HALF WAY THROUGH
YOU AREN'T DONE
That's what the list of goals feels like. Just based on that one small example, I'm going to focus on these systems.
I am already adapting this way of thinking. I feel accomplished about the work I've done even though I don't have "finished products." I have scripts that I've written and rewritten over and over. It's like my favorite marathon analogy:
In order to run 26.2 miles on marathon day, I will have run over 500 miles during a six month training period. I will be stronger, more focused, and have more stamina because I started training.
I am grateful for this new approach to accomplishment.
I'm excited!
I'm listening to Justin Timberlake cover The Jacksons' "Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)" on BBC1! I'm sure I'm annoying the people trying to be serious at the Weho Library with my desk dancing. I'm wearing headphones!
Last year was great for the writing. I wrote a pilot called FUSION. I rewrote two plays of mine, OPEN and THE SNAKE CHARMER. I wrote a bunch of blog posts. And I started a new play, I WANT IT and an outline for another play called PREACH.
I said that last year would be the year for rewriting. I didn't really have any new ideas for plays going in. I skipped my group's February 2013 playwriting challenge because I didn't have anything new I wanted to work on. I really wanted to work on the pilot. And I think I was still in recovery from my Dad's passing. It had only been about six months at that point. I didn't want to force myself back into writing something new.
I did something I've never done. I hibernated. I had plenty of things to occupy me in my proverbial cave. I had projects I had started and that I wanted to redo or rewrite. The year before (2012), I had written three new pilots and a new play. And my Dad was dying and died. I needed to write to get me through it. And I didn't care how polished it was. I just needed output of new ideas. The new ideas kept me running from my feelings. And I really needed to keep running. It made me stronger and it gave me plenty of stamina.
Then last year, I wanted to just focus on making those things better. I needed something familiar. I needed to train instead of running race after race.
And now. Now I have plenty of ideas.
About half way through 2013, I started having ideas. I got a notice about a commission that a theatre company was doing. It had parameters. I read the list. Then I just started keeping a journal. And I took the assignment on. I had no idea what I would write about. I just started watching Robert Altman movies because I had nothing else to do. Instead of just watch the one movie they had mentioned, I decided to keep watching. I got up to about 11 or 12 films. Then the setting came to me. And that's really what I have. I have some ideas for characters, but I sent them what I had. They didn't pick up on my vibe, so I didn't get the commission. But I knew it would fit into the seven play cycle that I had planned on writing.
Oh yeah. In the middle of this "break" from anything new, I got an idea for a new seven play cycle based on the seven deadly sins. But I knew I would put off any new writing until the beginning of the year.
That play sparked another idea for a pilot, based on something Altman never finished and a pilot I had written three years ago.
Then at the end of the year, I started working with my best friend on some new sketches. And got another idea for a half hour pilot.
So I guess that's what's on my docket for this year. That's a lot to get done. Maybe I should make a two year plan. I read this article recently from Entrepreneur magazine that was about setting up systems for accomplishments rather than just focusing on goals.
It can be summed up this way:
- Set goals.
- Figure out a system for each goal in how you're going to accomplish it.
- Get rid of the goals and just focus on the system.
Here's the article:
Here are the pieces I want to work on (I'm listening them vaguely so that I don't give the ideas away):
- Play about advertising that I've started.
- Play about my friend Dave that I've outlined.
- Play about growing up and loving Woody Allen.
- Play about a woman who was a musician in the 1970s looking back.
- TV pilot that I'm revisiting.
- New TV comedy pilot.
- TV sketch show with my friend Alanna.
That's a lot to get done in one year. So now let's look at these goals and the systems:
What I've done so far: watched 11 films by Robert Altman, read The Circle by Dave Eggers, read How Literature Saved My Life by David Shields, wrote 25 pages, watched The Pitch on AMC.
Try to shadow at a friend's ad agency.
Spend time over the summer to work on the play.
Write every day.
Write the play during a one month writing challenge in February.
Talk to Dave.
Write every day.
Go to church and listen to homilies.
Rewatch: Woody Allen documentary on Netflix.
Watch my favorite Woody Allen movies growing up.
Write every day.
Rewatch Pina Bausch documentary.
Listen to Patti Smith, Linda Ronstadt, Debbie Harry, Laura Nyro.
Read any biographies on these women and watch any documentaries I can.
Write every day.
Go to art museums.
Rewatch: The Eye Has To Travel.
Re-read: Seven Days in the Art World
Write every day.
On site research.
Watching TV comedies with great characters: Parks and Recreation, The Office, Community, 30 Rock.
Talk about it with my friend Alanna.
Write every day.
Meet with Alanna once a week if possible.
Write sketches.
Send to people we trust to read.
Write every day.
Okay, so now I want to take these writing goals out of it and just include the systems.
Try to shadow at a friend's ad agency.
Spend time over the summer to work on the play.
Write every day.
Write the play during a one month writing challenge in February.
Talk to Dave.
Write every day.
Go to church and listen to homilies.
Rewatch: Woody Allen documentary on Netflix.
Watch my favorite Woody Allen movies growing up.
Write every day.
Rewatch Pina Bausch documentary.
Listen to Patti Smith, Linda Ronstadt, Debbie Harry, Laura Nyro.
Read any biographies on these women and watch any documentaries I can.
Write every day.
Go to art museums.
Rewatch: The Eye Has To Travel.
Re-read: Seven Days in the Art World
Write every day.
On site research.
Watching TV comedies with great characters: Parks and Recreation, The Office, Community, 30 Rock.
Talk about it with my friend Alanna.
Write every day.
Meet with Alanna once a week if possible.
Write sketches.
Send to people we trust to read.
Write every day.
Even though that list of things I need to do is long, it seems like fun and it seems doable. It's funny. When I look at the goal list, it feels intimidating. I doubt whether or not I can get all of that done. But when I look at the tasks alone, it all looks like just parts of my day. And it shows variety instead of
DO THIS
THEN THIS
THEN THAT WHEN YOU'RE DONE
THEN MORE
YOU'RE NOT DONE YET
YOU'RE ONLY HALF WAY THROUGH
YOU AREN'T DONE
That's what the list of goals feels like. Just based on that one small example, I'm going to focus on these systems.
I am already adapting this way of thinking. I feel accomplished about the work I've done even though I don't have "finished products." I have scripts that I've written and rewritten over and over. It's like my favorite marathon analogy:
In order to run 26.2 miles on marathon day, I will have run over 500 miles during a six month training period. I will be stronger, more focused, and have more stamina because I started training.
I am grateful for this new approach to accomplishment.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Why Can't We Be More Like Musicians?
My boyfriend is a Drummer. I LOVE music. I have been listening to all sorts of music my whole life. Here's a sample of my iTunes library:
"When Smokey Sings" by ABC
"We're in This Love Together" by Al Jarreau
"Queen Bee" by Barbra Streisand
"Chango's Dance" by Bobby Matos
"Satisfied" by Cee Lo Green
"Malibu" by Hole
"Spotlight" by Jennifer Hudson
The Entire Eli and the Thirteenth Confession album by Laura Nyro
The 20/20 Experience by Justin Timberlake
Crying (with Roy Orbison) by k.d. lang
"Losing My Mind" by Liza
Mariah Carey
Mel Torme
N.E.R.D.
Neil Diamond
Pink
Patti Smith
Patty Smyth
Robyn
Rufus Wainwright
Shelby Lynne
Whenever I play something for him, he tends to enjoy it. He tends to be surprised. He appreciates the MUSIC. A guitar solo, a percussion moment, a bass line.
Whenever I look on Facebook, I see a constant barrage of criticism from writer friends who can't stand something…anything. It's like if they don't like some thing about a play, TV show, movie, documentary, etc. then they've dismissed all of it.
Done.
Forget About It.
You're Dead to Me.
I get it. We go to graduate school and we're taught to be critical, so we feel like we need to dismiss everything. It's not like I don't have a critical thought. I had things to say about August: Osage County. But I love forms of entertainment from the Real Housewives to Getting On on HBO. I consume it all and enjoy a lot of it. I don't just dismiss something just to turn my nose up at it. It's snobbery.
Yes…that's a judgmental thing to say and how dare I! But the judgment on the other end is so severe and unnecessary that it turns me off. And it tends to be from people who post on Facebook endlessly. People who could be spending their talents making the great plays, musicals, films and TV shows they want to see.
Again, I'm a dancer:
http://creativityinrealtime.blogspot.com/2013/10/im-dancer.html
I'm just going to go back listening to the new Lady Gaga/Christina Aguilera version of "Do What U Want."
Ridiculous.
Silly.
Amazing.
A frivolous pop culture moment that's as important as anything and nothing.
"When Smokey Sings" by ABC
"We're in This Love Together" by Al Jarreau
"Queen Bee" by Barbra Streisand
"Chango's Dance" by Bobby Matos
"Satisfied" by Cee Lo Green
"Malibu" by Hole
"Spotlight" by Jennifer Hudson
The Entire Eli and the Thirteenth Confession album by Laura Nyro
The 20/20 Experience by Justin Timberlake
Crying (with Roy Orbison) by k.d. lang
"Losing My Mind" by Liza
Mariah Carey
Mel Torme
N.E.R.D.
Neil Diamond
Pink
Patti Smith
Patty Smyth
Robyn
Rufus Wainwright
Shelby Lynne
Whenever I play something for him, he tends to enjoy it. He tends to be surprised. He appreciates the MUSIC. A guitar solo, a percussion moment, a bass line.
Whenever I look on Facebook, I see a constant barrage of criticism from writer friends who can't stand something…anything. It's like if they don't like some thing about a play, TV show, movie, documentary, etc. then they've dismissed all of it.
Done.
Forget About It.
You're Dead to Me.
I get it. We go to graduate school and we're taught to be critical, so we feel like we need to dismiss everything. It's not like I don't have a critical thought. I had things to say about August: Osage County. But I love forms of entertainment from the Real Housewives to Getting On on HBO. I consume it all and enjoy a lot of it. I don't just dismiss something just to turn my nose up at it. It's snobbery.
Yes…that's a judgmental thing to say and how dare I! But the judgment on the other end is so severe and unnecessary that it turns me off. And it tends to be from people who post on Facebook endlessly. People who could be spending their talents making the great plays, musicals, films and TV shows they want to see.
Again, I'm a dancer:
http://creativityinrealtime.blogspot.com/2013/10/im-dancer.html
I'm just going to go back listening to the new Lady Gaga/Christina Aguilera version of "Do What U Want."
Ridiculous.
Silly.
Amazing.
A frivolous pop culture moment that's as important as anything and nothing.
The State of Art (or at least Playwriting)
I'm doing some freelance script reading for a theatre in town for a festival they have coming up. Being a playwright and reading plays is a tricky proposition. There are often feelings of…
They're producing THAT piece of shit!
I have a whole stack of plays that rule while theirs drool!
Or some mature response like that. So far I only have read one play that really leapt off the page for me. And it was the play I just read.
But most of the stuff I read just wasn't very good. That's always the case when you have to narrow things down. The funny thing is that I'm really good that this sort of thing. I used to do it for seven years when I worked for a company that was looking for playwrights who wanted to work in TV. I got pretty good at figuring out what kind of work would translate.
I was walking with Susan yesterday and we were talking about these plays I was reading. I told her that it could have made me feel bitter and angry that my plays weren't being produced by this theatre. But I went back to that day in the dance studio back in October.
http://creativityinrealtime.blogspot.com/2013/10/im-dancer.html
Reading these plays has made me even more secure in doing my own thing while everything else is going on around me. The only way to get noticed is to be purely me. And that's the only way I can really be happy.
What is happening to me? I went from being a blindly ambitious person who wanted success at all costs, including flip flopping and constantly changing himself to please an anonymous majority to this:
I'm fine with being me.
Go on with your bad self.
They're producing THAT piece of shit!
I have a whole stack of plays that rule while theirs drool!
Or some mature response like that. So far I only have read one play that really leapt off the page for me. And it was the play I just read.
But most of the stuff I read just wasn't very good. That's always the case when you have to narrow things down. The funny thing is that I'm really good that this sort of thing. I used to do it for seven years when I worked for a company that was looking for playwrights who wanted to work in TV. I got pretty good at figuring out what kind of work would translate.
I was walking with Susan yesterday and we were talking about these plays I was reading. I told her that it could have made me feel bitter and angry that my plays weren't being produced by this theatre. But I went back to that day in the dance studio back in October.
http://creativityinrealtime.blogspot.com/2013/10/im-dancer.html
Reading these plays has made me even more secure in doing my own thing while everything else is going on around me. The only way to get noticed is to be purely me. And that's the only way I can really be happy.
What is happening to me? I went from being a blindly ambitious person who wanted success at all costs, including flip flopping and constantly changing himself to please an anonymous majority to this:
I'm fine with being me.
Go on with your bad self.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Meditation on Negative Thoughts
I had a tarot card reading two weeks ago. One of the things that came up during the reading was
HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION
I have been trying to meditate on this for the past two weeks because honestly I didn't understand it completely.
As I have thought about the reading and its themes over the past two weeks, something that came up frequently in the reading was that I have a chronic negative way of thinking that I need to revise. It seems that the cards are telling me two things:
1) Honor the journey. The things you see as mistakes can only hold me back if I only see them as such. Instead I can see them as bumpers that are trying to keep me on my path.
2) Change the negative thought patterns.
I was having a conversation with my boyfriend last night after we saw Saving Mr. Banks at the movies. It's a film about a father and a daughter, who ultimately became P.L. Travers and a woman who was writing her story as a way to save her father. I thought about Nebraska, another film about a child/father relationship that I saw recently. And it made me think about my own Dad. Many or most of the negative thoughts that I have about myself can be traced back to my Dad. And when that's the only relationship I had with my Dad--where he criticized me and I took it--to give those negative thoughts up feels like I'm letting go of him now that he's gone.
And that's exactly what I need to do. I literally cannot progress in my life until I let that go. It is what is holding me back and has been holding me back.
I don't honor him by holding on to the limiting beliefs that I have about myself because as a child he was trying to protect me by pushing me so hard that I would have a thick enough skin to survive the world long after he was gone.
I have the armor. I can protect myself. But a warrior does not wear his battle gear all of the time.
There's no reason for it.
So as I continue to think about this idea of honoring my error as hidden intention, it really is about embracing my journey.
I had a recent conversation with my best friend Alanna and the boyfriend. Alanna and I were spending the weekend at her house, catching up when he called. And she was talking about the latest rewrite of this play that I just gave to her. It's a play that we are going to produce with her in the lead role. But she talked about what this play is and what it says about me as a writer now. That I could have gotten a job on a Disney show or a Nickelodeon show and that would have been fine. But I would have been miserable and it wouldn't have allowed me to tell my whole story as a writer. Not that every job has to do that. But my point of entry would have been different. If this new play is my point of entry it says that I am a writer who writes complex characters, provocative stories and cares about structure and language in a way that's not simple or linear. It's more stream of consciousness, improvisational and musical in quality. She talked a lot about James Joyce and Ulysses. It was a wonderful complement. But I thought about what she said. This is my point of entry. For it to happen earlier would have brought a different result. That would have been a different journey. But this is my journey now. My work is more evolved, mature, new. I am not writing for anyone other than myself. It's the purest expression of who I am. I have washed off the stink of trying to work in the TV industry for years. I am writing in the fashion that I choose to. So if the writing gods descend upon me, this is the creature they will find: the one who is not pandering to them.
I am learning to stand alone and far ahead of the pack.
For years, I have been afraid to do this because it leaves me vulnerable. I thought that being different made me unlikable, undesirable, unemployable. I then strived to be like the back. But as my friend Dave said years ago, I can't help but to be myself.
That is honoring my error as hidden intention. My intention is to be myself. I can't help it. But for so long I thought my individualism made me a target versus making me special. But that's what striving for popular success does. It smooths down the rough edges. It doesn't have to. It's what we do to ourselves because we want to be liked. It's like high school. You wear the right jeans, the right hair cut, the right shoes to fit in. But the right thing is the thing that everyone else is doing. When someone does something different, they are ridiculed. And I didn't want to be ridiculed. I had been ridiculed my entire life as that kid who was different.
So when I got older and cuter and smarter and more likable, I thought the way to increase my likability was to be like everyone else. But what I didn't realize was that it made me less special. And the past three years has been a journey of getting back to my voice. The time away has been good for me. This hibernation has been transformative: the caterpillar into the butterfly.
The error is not being different.
The hidden intention is being different and celebrating that.
What are the negative thoughts?
I think that self-cruelty is a catalyst for my own success. That is simply not true.
I think that there can't be two nice guys in my relationship.
I become suspicious of someone who is so open and loving because I think he must not be seeing the bigger picture.
I think that I have to be pushy in order to get my way. That I have to ram the idea that I'm the right person down everyone's throat.
I think that success hasn't come to me because I haven't worked hard enough.
I don't understand how great my journey is and how far I have come.
I don't love myself enough and I don't give enough love to my work.
If I don't value what I have done, then I will treat it like trash and throw it away.
I have to value myself first. All I have to do is give massive and endless amounts of love to myself.
Now I truly understand the fullness of the statement that came up in a tarot card reading two years ago:
The Serpent Has Outgrown His Purpose
Maybe it's
The Serpent Has Outlived His Purpose.
I couldn't hear it fully before.
I thought it referred to my ex-boyfriend and his negative thoughts towards me.
But it really referred to the negative thoughts put in my head by my father.
The Serpent Is Dead. Bury him and put him away.
Let him go.
The Serpent is no more.
I don't need him any more.
My negative thoughts are the serpent.
I need to take his limp, dead useless body.
And throw it in the garbage.
Let the garbage man take his stinking carcass away
and let the truck dump it,
away with all of the other rotting, rotten
trash that has outlived its purpose.
For awhile, the rotten smell still lingered.
Now it is clearing.
There's a faint trace of it.
Wait…
No, there's not.
There's the memory of it.
But now even that's being forgotten.
It's gone.
It's nowhere.
Not even in the pillows.
Not even in the windmills of my mind.
HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION
I have been trying to meditate on this for the past two weeks because honestly I didn't understand it completely.
As I have thought about the reading and its themes over the past two weeks, something that came up frequently in the reading was that I have a chronic negative way of thinking that I need to revise. It seems that the cards are telling me two things:
1) Honor the journey. The things you see as mistakes can only hold me back if I only see them as such. Instead I can see them as bumpers that are trying to keep me on my path.
2) Change the negative thought patterns.
I was having a conversation with my boyfriend last night after we saw Saving Mr. Banks at the movies. It's a film about a father and a daughter, who ultimately became P.L. Travers and a woman who was writing her story as a way to save her father. I thought about Nebraska, another film about a child/father relationship that I saw recently. And it made me think about my own Dad. Many or most of the negative thoughts that I have about myself can be traced back to my Dad. And when that's the only relationship I had with my Dad--where he criticized me and I took it--to give those negative thoughts up feels like I'm letting go of him now that he's gone.
And that's exactly what I need to do. I literally cannot progress in my life until I let that go. It is what is holding me back and has been holding me back.
I don't honor him by holding on to the limiting beliefs that I have about myself because as a child he was trying to protect me by pushing me so hard that I would have a thick enough skin to survive the world long after he was gone.
I have the armor. I can protect myself. But a warrior does not wear his battle gear all of the time.
There's no reason for it.
So as I continue to think about this idea of honoring my error as hidden intention, it really is about embracing my journey.
I had a recent conversation with my best friend Alanna and the boyfriend. Alanna and I were spending the weekend at her house, catching up when he called. And she was talking about the latest rewrite of this play that I just gave to her. It's a play that we are going to produce with her in the lead role. But she talked about what this play is and what it says about me as a writer now. That I could have gotten a job on a Disney show or a Nickelodeon show and that would have been fine. But I would have been miserable and it wouldn't have allowed me to tell my whole story as a writer. Not that every job has to do that. But my point of entry would have been different. If this new play is my point of entry it says that I am a writer who writes complex characters, provocative stories and cares about structure and language in a way that's not simple or linear. It's more stream of consciousness, improvisational and musical in quality. She talked a lot about James Joyce and Ulysses. It was a wonderful complement. But I thought about what she said. This is my point of entry. For it to happen earlier would have brought a different result. That would have been a different journey. But this is my journey now. My work is more evolved, mature, new. I am not writing for anyone other than myself. It's the purest expression of who I am. I have washed off the stink of trying to work in the TV industry for years. I am writing in the fashion that I choose to. So if the writing gods descend upon me, this is the creature they will find: the one who is not pandering to them.
I am learning to stand alone and far ahead of the pack.
For years, I have been afraid to do this because it leaves me vulnerable. I thought that being different made me unlikable, undesirable, unemployable. I then strived to be like the back. But as my friend Dave said years ago, I can't help but to be myself.
That is honoring my error as hidden intention. My intention is to be myself. I can't help it. But for so long I thought my individualism made me a target versus making me special. But that's what striving for popular success does. It smooths down the rough edges. It doesn't have to. It's what we do to ourselves because we want to be liked. It's like high school. You wear the right jeans, the right hair cut, the right shoes to fit in. But the right thing is the thing that everyone else is doing. When someone does something different, they are ridiculed. And I didn't want to be ridiculed. I had been ridiculed my entire life as that kid who was different.
So when I got older and cuter and smarter and more likable, I thought the way to increase my likability was to be like everyone else. But what I didn't realize was that it made me less special. And the past three years has been a journey of getting back to my voice. The time away has been good for me. This hibernation has been transformative: the caterpillar into the butterfly.
The error is not being different.
The hidden intention is being different and celebrating that.
What are the negative thoughts?
I think that self-cruelty is a catalyst for my own success. That is simply not true.
I think that there can't be two nice guys in my relationship.
I become suspicious of someone who is so open and loving because I think he must not be seeing the bigger picture.
I think that I have to be pushy in order to get my way. That I have to ram the idea that I'm the right person down everyone's throat.
I think that success hasn't come to me because I haven't worked hard enough.
I don't understand how great my journey is and how far I have come.
I don't love myself enough and I don't give enough love to my work.
If I don't value what I have done, then I will treat it like trash and throw it away.
I have to value myself first. All I have to do is give massive and endless amounts of love to myself.
Now I truly understand the fullness of the statement that came up in a tarot card reading two years ago:
The Serpent Has Outgrown His Purpose
Maybe it's
The Serpent Has Outlived His Purpose.
I couldn't hear it fully before.
I thought it referred to my ex-boyfriend and his negative thoughts towards me.
But it really referred to the negative thoughts put in my head by my father.
The Serpent Is Dead. Bury him and put him away.
Let him go.
The Serpent is no more.
I don't need him any more.
My negative thoughts are the serpent.
I need to take his limp, dead useless body.
And throw it in the garbage.
Let the garbage man take his stinking carcass away
and let the truck dump it,
away with all of the other rotting, rotten
trash that has outlived its purpose.
For awhile, the rotten smell still lingered.
Now it is clearing.
There's a faint trace of it.
Wait…
No, there's not.
There's the memory of it.
But now even that's being forgotten.
It's gone.
It's nowhere.
Not even in the pillows.
Not even in the windmills of my mind.
The First Writing Session of the Year
Productivity.
Isn't that the first order of the New Year? It is for those of us who constantly have projects they're working on. That's what those of us who work from home want to focus on.
I want to be productive.
My eyes are droopy.
I got some hot tea for that.
I'm listening to Bette Midler on iTunes.
I took out my computer and started typing out a blog entry.
Now it's Beyonce. "Crazy in Love."
My foot is tapping.
This is what writing professors tell you to do.
Just start writing. Don't think about it.
Now the chorus: choreographing dance steps in my head.
Blood flowing.
Head bopping.
I hope I'm not disturbing the two guys sitting behind us,
telling me and my friend Andrea to take our conversation
elsewhere when we were just catching up.
But we're at the library.
I get it.
I would do the same thing if the
shoes were reversed
on the table was on the other foot.
What to write today?
It's the beginning of the year.
2014.
That makes me nervous because there's so
much expectation.
But it's also the start of something versus
the end of something.
That's why 40 is better than
39 or 38 (even 37).
So January…
Better than November?
Depends on the November.
More Beyonce. "Why Don't You Love Me?"
I like the live version better.
But that's true of all live versions of all songs.
For the most part.
I love this library.
There's an entire bank of windows
that look out into the street below:
the Pacific Design Center across the
street and the Citibank on the corner,
the hills and the homes that float
above. There's a guy of non-disernable
ethnic origin (like myself) who
has his button down shirt
open one too many buttons open
that balances that line between
sexy and maybe too drunk in the morning
to care.
It's hot either way.
But he's probably just a writer.
He took out an expensive laptop
from his bag and turned his back
to me.
I think I might be warmed up enough.
Bobby Matos. Latin Jazz.
Like a warrior call with horns and
percussion. Bongos.
Isn't that the first order of the New Year? It is for those of us who constantly have projects they're working on. That's what those of us who work from home want to focus on.
I want to be productive.
My eyes are droopy.
I got some hot tea for that.
I'm listening to Bette Midler on iTunes.
I took out my computer and started typing out a blog entry.
Now it's Beyonce. "Crazy in Love."
My foot is tapping.
This is what writing professors tell you to do.
Just start writing. Don't think about it.
Now the chorus: choreographing dance steps in my head.
Blood flowing.
Head bopping.
I hope I'm not disturbing the two guys sitting behind us,
telling me and my friend Andrea to take our conversation
elsewhere when we were just catching up.
But we're at the library.
I get it.
I would do the same thing if the
shoes were reversed
on the table was on the other foot.
What to write today?
It's the beginning of the year.
2014.
That makes me nervous because there's so
much expectation.
But it's also the start of something versus
the end of something.
That's why 40 is better than
39 or 38 (even 37).
So January…
Better than November?
Depends on the November.
More Beyonce. "Why Don't You Love Me?"
I like the live version better.
But that's true of all live versions of all songs.
For the most part.
I love this library.
There's an entire bank of windows
that look out into the street below:
the Pacific Design Center across the
street and the Citibank on the corner,
the hills and the homes that float
above. There's a guy of non-disernable
ethnic origin (like myself) who
has his button down shirt
open one too many buttons open
that balances that line between
sexy and maybe too drunk in the morning
to care.
It's hot either way.
But he's probably just a writer.
He took out an expensive laptop
from his bag and turned his back
to me.
I think I might be warmed up enough.
Bobby Matos. Latin Jazz.
Like a warrior call with horns and
percussion. Bongos.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Setting Up Systems for 2014
A friend on Facebook posted the following article from Entrepreneur.com, which is about paying attention to the process (systems) versus setting goals. This is a slightly different way of saying that it's the journey, not the destination.
http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/230333#
I know that I end up disappointed most of the time because the goals I set for myself don't get met. Or I go into the New Year and I say: "Let me just throw it all out there and then see what sticks." I like the author's suggestion that instead of focusing on goals (which is different from not setting them), you focus on how you want to get work done.
Goal: To write two new plays this year.
System: To write or do research every day. That includes journaling, blogging, watching films, reading books, reading plays, reading articles. If I do something towards that goal every day, then I'll get a lot of writing done.
Goal: To write two new pilots this year.
System: See above.
Goal: To get a teaching job.
System: Apply for jobs. Talk to people I know in academia to see if they hear about anything. Do workshops and give speeches. Give advice. Work on syllabi. Follow up with contacts. Be open.
Goal: To lose ten pounds, put on more muscle and get more flexible.
System: Drink less of my calories. Work out three times a week. Run at least three times a week. Take yoga. More real food, less preservatives. Don't eat late. Snack less.
Goal: To be kinder, more patient and more focused.
System: Meditate. Find more quiet time. Create a gratitude journal.
If I just take the goals out, here is what I'm left with.
Write or do research every day. That includes journaling, blogging, watching films, reading books, reading plays, reading articles. If I do something towards that goal every day, then I'll get a lot of writing done.
Apply for jobs. Talk to people I know in academia to see if they hear about anything. Do workshops and give speeches. Give advice. Work on syllabi. Follow up with contacts. Be open.
Drink less of my calories. Work out three times a week. Run at least three times a week. Take yoga. More real food, less preservatives. Don't eat late. Snack less.
Meditate. Find more quiet time. Create a gratitude journal.
If I do things that I can do daily and that I like doing, then I won't be disappointed when I don't achieve a goal. But I will be accomplishing every day. And who says that I can't accomplish more than my goals. But if I am just focused on the destination, then I will be stressed and pressured.
I already feel more relaxed.
http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/230333#
I know that I end up disappointed most of the time because the goals I set for myself don't get met. Or I go into the New Year and I say: "Let me just throw it all out there and then see what sticks." I like the author's suggestion that instead of focusing on goals (which is different from not setting them), you focus on how you want to get work done.
Goal: To write two new plays this year.
System: To write or do research every day. That includes journaling, blogging, watching films, reading books, reading plays, reading articles. If I do something towards that goal every day, then I'll get a lot of writing done.
Goal: To write two new pilots this year.
System: See above.
Goal: To get a teaching job.
System: Apply for jobs. Talk to people I know in academia to see if they hear about anything. Do workshops and give speeches. Give advice. Work on syllabi. Follow up with contacts. Be open.
Goal: To lose ten pounds, put on more muscle and get more flexible.
System: Drink less of my calories. Work out three times a week. Run at least three times a week. Take yoga. More real food, less preservatives. Don't eat late. Snack less.
Goal: To be kinder, more patient and more focused.
System: Meditate. Find more quiet time. Create a gratitude journal.
If I just take the goals out, here is what I'm left with.
Write or do research every day. That includes journaling, blogging, watching films, reading books, reading plays, reading articles. If I do something towards that goal every day, then I'll get a lot of writing done.
Apply for jobs. Talk to people I know in academia to see if they hear about anything. Do workshops and give speeches. Give advice. Work on syllabi. Follow up with contacts. Be open.
Drink less of my calories. Work out three times a week. Run at least three times a week. Take yoga. More real food, less preservatives. Don't eat late. Snack less.
Meditate. Find more quiet time. Create a gratitude journal.
If I do things that I can do daily and that I like doing, then I won't be disappointed when I don't achieve a goal. But I will be accomplishing every day. And who says that I can't accomplish more than my goals. But if I am just focused on the destination, then I will be stressed and pressured.
I already feel more relaxed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)