Anniversaries

July is a big, emotional month.

7/5 is my niece's birthday.
7/11 was my anniversary with my ex.
7/12 is my Grandmother's birthday (she would have been 98 tomorrow)
7/23 is the anniversary of my Dad's death
7/24 is my parents' wedding anniversary

And this year, most likely, my best friend's child will be born this month. Today perhaps.

That anniversary of the relationship would have been last week.  We would have been together six years. We made it to four and a half. We've been broken up for 18 months. And life has changed dramatically in that year and a half. I have lost weight. I have had two seasons on a TV show as a staff writer, then Co-Producer. I have joined a theatre company, produced workshops, directed a workshop, had my work presented, and will have an upcoming production. I have travelled some. I have spent a lot of great time with friends. Had some incredible dinners and drinks dates with friends. A lot has happened in that time.

I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm considering putting myself out there and dating. I have not been on a single date in 18 months. That's completely by choice. I have also been "too busy to date." And that's been a fine excuse. Yet, something has happened over the past 3-4 weeks where my interest has been piqued. I'm noticing that guys are coming up to me. I've given out my card a few times. None of it has resulted in an actual date, but the energy I'm giving off is that I'm open.

Then a friend and I had a interesting text exchange yesterday. And it became clear that there's some mutual interest. Now I don't know if that's as a boyfriend, as a FWB, as a fuck buddy or as a wingman. But we both admitted that we thought the other person wasn't interested, so we didn't make a move last month when we were both in the same town visiting. The reason it's relevant to discuss in this blog - other than that this is my life and relationships are a part of it - is that he's also a writer. And one of the first things he said to me in the text chain was  that we can't date because we're writers and that's a no-no. I'm not reading into it but I'm reading into it because I'm a writer. And the story I'm telling myself right now is that he's probably reading into it too because he's also a writer. And that's what writers do.

Maybe I'm open to dating. Maybe I'm open to exploring what this thing could be. The thing is that I've known this person for 17 or 18 years. We met in New York. Doesn't that sound like a story that you tell in front of people as you're about to give a speech? Or not. I know that when we saw each other in Portland last month, I knew I wanted to hang out with him more. I might have been flirty - I'm usually flirty. But I wasn't trying to get into his pants. Maybe that's why he thought I wasn't interested. I just knew that I liked talking to him.

I'm taking it easy because I'm getting to know this new version of myself. Yesterday was the anniversary of my Dad's death and an anniversary of sorts for me for when I started a new chapter of my life. I'm enjoying this person living this life. I want to get to know him better. I want more from this new chapter. I want this chapter to be juicy and fun and productive and exciting and inspiring.

I sit here today, reflective. Happy for the things I've experienced over the past five years, and excited about the things to come.

My intention is awareness.
My intention is to relax.
My intention is to love and grow.
My intention is to have good people in my life.

I am grateful for time in the Korean Spa while my car is being fixed.
I am grateful for the car I drive.
I am grateful that I have the money for all of the repairs.
I am grateful I can pay the bill.
I am grateful that I am thinking abundantly.
I am grateful for flirting.
I am grateful that I have a nap coming up.

My Baby Wrote Me a Letter

I've been doing the Oprah/Deepak Meditation Challenge and I'm a few days behind. But the Day 4 Meditation had me reflecting in a journal and asked me to write a letter to myself. I thought it was so helpful that I figured I'd share. This is a letter to remind myself to be good to myself.

Dear Self:

People love being around you. They feel better after talking to you. You create a light in whatever room you walk into. Maybe that's because you walk in with a smile. You're always smiling and that immediately puts people at ease. Then you say something affirming or insightful and people immediately feel they can trust you. You put aside your own ego mainly to listen and to be helpful to others. Honestly, at the core, you believe that we're all better if we're in community with one another and not competition. You have so many groups of people around you who affirm you and who you also affirm. You're generous with your time and your spirit. You become better when you are surrounded by others.

Yes, you're a talented writer. That's not hard to see. You really consider who your characters are and you don't judge them. That's because you try your hardest not to judge others. Sometimes you're not successful, but mainly you succeed. You live most of your life not in judgment of others, but in service to them and in relationship to them. Your ability to be this generous is what makes you an incredible writer. You pay attention - you find the humor and love in every day life.

You're a member of the WGA - a full, fledged, due paying member. You're a Co-Producer of a TV show and have worked hard to get there. You deserve to be acknowledged for that. You help run a theatre company - a whole group of people had a conversation about you when you weren't there, acknowledged everything I just mentioned about you and decided that they wanted you with them. You have writers telling you how helpful your notes are. You have students telling you the same thing. You're a respected college professor as well. You're a professional writer, the thing you've always wanted to be.

You listen. You care for your friends. You care for your family. You give up your time to help others. You have a generous spirit towards everyone you meet. And if there's someone who isn't up to par, you let them be on their way without judgment. You understand that everyone's journey is their own and you don't want to impede on anyone's path. You take in the good things. You live your life, not in a writer's cave, but out in the world. You experience things and let them affect you. You acknowledge the pain and struggle in your life and you figure out how to make it work for you.

You are present. You are with everyone you meet. You're a great friend. You're going to be a great partner to someone again someday. You've got so much to offer everyone. And they know it. And now, so do you.

I need the daily reminder of my successes. If I don't remember them, then how will others know everything I've done and how capable I am of the things I'm trying to do. I liked this one. And it was in response to the first exercise, which asked me to write down the ways I feel competitive with other people or how I compare myself. Here's that response, which then prompted the next exercise, which was basically " be good to yourself, no matter what.

I compare myself to others all of the time. Mainly in my work as a TV writer, but also in my personal life with people who look better than me or have relationships. It makes me feel inadequate every time. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough or I haven't done enough. I believe that someone's opportunity has closed a door for me and that I have to hunt around for the next door. I also believe that I am better when I get something and someone else doesn't. Or I am worse if someone else gets something that I wanted.

My intention is to see good things in myself.

My intention is to celebrate myself.

My intention is to be good to myself.

My intention is to be forgiving.

I am grateful for my friends. 

I am grateful for the life I get to live.

I am grateful for the fun I bring.

I am grateful for the good I spread.

I am grateful that people support me.

Weekend at Billy's

This weekend did not end with someone dying and being propped up.

Every year, I spend one weekend at my friend Bill's house at an annual party. I get the chance to reconnect with my community here, which is really Bill's circle of friends. I've known Bill for twelve years since we met at a pool in Palm Springs without our clothes on during Fourth of July weekend. I've been up to his Sonoma house because of parties with hot guys. I've stayed here for my birthday before in the winter. I've been up at the house with different boyfriends. I love Bill because he's a great friend and always has great people around him.

He's also a great example of someone thriving in his 60s, staying active in both his work and his social life. Even though Bill has money and has a thriving life, he's grounded and our conversations about life and career are aways mutually beneficial. Right now, it's after 11:30 PM and I'm sitting outside at a table in his backyard, with a string of lights above me and my laptop out. I came here for relaxation and to get away from how busy my life has been. And I'm sure glad I did.

I was supposed to read some scripts this weekend. One of them I got through. And the two others I will pick up tomorrow morning and give writers' notes. The two scripts I started reading have some issues, so I wasn't compelled to finish them yet. I didn't want to spend such a beautiful night in this beautiful place reading scripts I wasn't excited about. I'd rather write in my blog and reflect on the weekend.

I drove up Friday morning and I did the thing I always do on this long drive to the Bay Area. I did it in silence - for the most part. I had some music on in the beginning of the trip. But most of it was spent quietly reflecting on life. I have done this quiet drive from LA to the Bay Area for the past five or six years. It's my favorite way to spend the drive. I don't know what compelled me to do it in the first place, but I love the silence.

Then I got to Bill's and we packed up and headed to Sonoma. The conversation on the way up was good as always. We caught up on what's going on with our mutual friends Thomas, Scott, and Shawn who weren't going to be there this weekend. These guys are my touchstones and the guys I know the best out of his group. I was nervous that I wasn't going to have anyone to talk to. But I knew I'd have time in the kitchen with Rafael and time hanging out at the pool with Ventura. I knew there would be dancing and laughing, but I didn't know there would also be high heels and wigs. Spending so much time lately trying to get this new pilot script done and out the door left me with a serious need to play dress up. I told Bill about the guy who I might have a connection with. We got to the house and then made it to a local winery for some tasting. Then Ventura and Rafael arrived and we went to dinner. We laughed so much and then came back and danced, drank and put on a fashion show of our looks for the party the next day. I didn't think about my writing at all. I wasn't worried about a deadline. I could just be silly and have fun.

The next morning we woke up and got ready for the party, I was on guacamole duty and food prep with Rafael while Bill and Ventura got the house ready with rainbow flags. Guests started arriving. We started drinking. We got in the pool and I had a speedo on. Then we changed and went to this outdoor dance party and came back to the house later that night and had a lot more fun. I ended up skinny dipping with this married guy named Jack and we had an incredible conversation about relationships and sexuality. We made a connection and I went to bed feeling enlightened.

This morning I woke up and started cleaning up the kitchen from the night's debauchery. Then Bill came and got me to head to the local deli and market for some breakfast. We sat in the deli and chatted about the night before and recounted funny stories while trying to make sure a young, unsupervised boy did not pull the fire alarm again in the market. We were joined later by our friends and then we headed off to the pool for an afternoon of hanging out in our respective speedos telling jokes and making each other laugh. Then we went to dinner for our friend Mickey's birthday and had ice cream. Everyone else went back to SF. Bill and I are staying here one last night before driving back to SF tomorrow so I can drive down to San Jose and see my college friends for dinner.

Bill and I sat outside after coming back home and we chatted about our work habits. Our constant need to communicate with people articulately through email. Our attention to detail. Our obsession with organization and clarity. As I'm more of a professional than I've ever been, listening to Bill's stories about the way he works reinforced that I have a method to working that works. There were a lot of similarities in the way that we both work. And Bill has been very successful. It let me know that I am on the right track.

Being with Bill and the caliber of his friends was a good litmus test for the relationships - both professional and personal - that I want to have. Yes, Bill has money and status and two incredible homes. But his homes are populated with the most supportive group of friends. And Bill has such a generosity of spirit when it comes to welcoming people in his home. We talked a lot about community. He asked who my posse is in LA. And I talked about Cory and Dominic - my writers posse. We talked about my Gay Latino Writers Group. I realized that I have so many communities in my life of people who support me. I'm always running off to something. This week alone I am starting out leaving Sonoma and my SF community. Then I go to see my Santa Clara community of former teachers, colleagues and classmates. I'm returning to LA on Tuesday specifically to attend a WGA LGBT writers committee meeting with the Gay Latino Writers. I have another WGA event on Wednesday. Then my theatre company has a bimonthly event on Thursday. And Friday I'm having lunch with my friend David who I haven't seen in awhile to just catch up. These are my people. This is my group. This is who takes up my time when I'm not writing. I've got a great posse. I'm really lucky.

I say that from under the stars in wine country. I say that as a sit in a pair of shorts and a long sleeved cotton cashmere t-shirt. I say that outside my good friend Bill's home. I say that looking out at the vineyard. I say that being on this beautiful property I can call part of my home away from home in the Bay Area.

My intention is to rest.
My intention is to recharge.
My intention is to relax.
My intention is to enjoy.

I am grateful for the warm heart and hospitality of old friends.
I am grateful for the sincere love shown to me.
I am grateful to have time to just be and sleep.
I am grateful to be single.
I am grateful that I am here alone.
I am grateful that this is where I feel at peace right now.

The Professional Life

I turned in my latest pilot script to my manager on Monday.

This was a script I had been working on for awhile. I had the idea over 18 months ago. Then I wrote two drafts in quick succession at the end of 2015, after spending most of the year working on one play. Then I put it down and picked it back up so many times in the next year and a half. I've written eleven drafts of this script in that time. And countless outlines. But those drafts were a result of me putting the script down for months and then having to pick it back up, figure out where I had left off, re-think what I was doing, re-outline what I had worked on previously and then banging out a new draft. It took me so long because I put it down and picked it back up. And why? Because I had finally realized the dream of being a working TV writer. But I had no idea where I had left off previously because sometimes I put the script down for several months. I think the longest break was eight months because I finished a draft before starting on our show and then picked it up again after writing three scripts for the show, being in production on the show, and writing a new draft of an older pilot.

I thought about putting down the pilot for good several times because it was taking me so long to figure it out. It was strange to me that work got in the way and that I couldn't just do both at the same time. I considered myself lazy. Because I knew other writers who were doing five things at once. Or at least that's what they were telling me - to make me feel bad? Do these super human mythical writing creatures actually exist?

People often accuse me of being one of these creatures because I've said in blogs and on Facebook that one year I wrote 1000 pages, then the next year I wrote 2000 and last year I wrote 1500. Even earlier last week I said that I wrote 747 pages so far this year. That's enough reason to make people hate you. It feels like you're bragging. And when I hear about people being prolific, I instantly feel competitive. I like to front that I'm super Zen about it all. But I'm hardly Zen. I'm not very chill about any of it.

But, like any writer, I only focus on the work I'm not getting done. I'm only aware of the countless You Tube videos, Netflix binge marathons, articles I'm reading, and conversations I'm having over drinks. I'm focused on all of the non-writing I'm doing. The plays I'm going to see and the meals I go out for. The dicks I'm sucking. The time I'm spending on Grindr. The meetings I'm attending. The workouts I'm having. The workshops I'm directing. I'm aware of all of this other stuff I'm doing that's not officially writing that I feel like I'm nothing but lazy.

Where does that self-sabotage come from?

That's why I have to do these periodic page counts because I have to remind myself that I'm not a total loser. And sometimes I have to remind myself on a daily basis. Like right when I wake up in the morning. I think about the money I'm not making. And the time I'm not spending. And the work I'm not doing.

Maybe it's time to start meditating again.

So while my manager was reading the script, I decided to go back to what I had intended on doing that week. I was going to research my new script by binge watching some TV. I watched Dear White People and GLOW. Both were good. That was my Tuesday and Wednesday. I also took a lot of notes for this new script idea. Then on Thursday, I saw a play that I hated. But I got to hang with a great friend of mine.

On Friday, I got an email from my manager. "I really liked the script. I have some typos. When can you get on the phone?" I told him that I was heading to the beach in an hour. He called me. I got notes - I knew he wasn't just going to give me typos. And actually the first "typo" was actually a word correction. But he felt like this was my new lead sample - which I needed him to say. And he wants me to get it to him soon so we can send it out for an opportunity I brought him for a show that might be staffing.

I've learned to not give a shit what other people think of the work. That doesn't mean that I'm resistant to criticism. But I'm not seeking validation - or I'm trying not to. As I said, I'm not very Zen. I'm pushing through so I can keep going. Otherwise, it's too hard to please everybody. And that keeps me from getting work done - worrying that every single person who reads my script has to like it. I know what I'm going for.

With this new script, I'm trying to get it done before the end of the summer - before I have to go back to school to teach. I'm also trying to plan three classes and do rewrites of a play of mine that's going into production next year. There's also the possibility that I might be directing a play as well. But I made a commitment that for the rest of the year, I'm not working on new theatre stuff. I have a play that I will have to pick up again in 2018. It's a play that won't take long to write. It was an immediate response to a friend's suicide. But I also feel like I've been living in that space on a couple of creative projects and personal events for the past year. It's time to put that aside for some other projects I want to be working on. I don't want it to be more than two years since I worked on a new play. But I'm taking a year off because I want to focus on my television career. I have to make the next leap and in order to do that, I have a lot of advice to take from friends who are invested in my career.

I am going to finish this new script by the end of August. And then I want to spend the Fall revamping an old pilot I wrote as well as writing something new. That would bring me to four fresh samples for the year. Is that important? Is FOUR a magic number? No. If I just got the new pilot done, that would be enough. I will be teaching. I'm plenty busy. I have done a lot this year already - I've been staffed on a full season of a show. I have a ton to be grateful for. But I also want to push things to the next level for myself. I don't want to be waiting around for the next thing.

So this coming week, I've got a lot going on. On Monday, I have a company meeting for my theatre company and I'm going to see my best friend who's about to give birth at any moment. On Tuesday, I need to take my car in before my SF trip. I have a lunch with a colleague. And I've got coffee with a writer friend. Then I've got a reading of my play so I can do rewrites for our upcoming production. Then I'm having a production meeting with my director. On Wednesday, nothing. That will be a full writing day. On Thursday, I've got a meeting at GLAAD with my writer's group. And on Friday, I leave to go on vacation. So that means that I need to get the script into my manager by Thursday.

That's the professional life, I guess. I'm doing a lot. I'm projecting professionalism. I'm getting shit done.

My intention is productivity.
My intention is to work.
My intention is expansion of the empire.
My intention is to share and give.

I am grateful for my writing community.
I am grateful for my Latino writers community.
I am grateful for my theatre community.
I am grateful for my family - both biological and chosen.
I am grateful for new experiences.

Reinvention

As a child I was obsessed with Madonna.

But I didn't really get into her fully until the Like a Prayer album. Of course, I watched her music videos and I had the single to "Dress You Up" as a kid. I remember listening to "Papa Don't Preach" and I was interested because she was all over MTV at the time. But it wasn't until Like a Prayer that I paid attention. Maybe it was the controversy around the video. But there was something in that title track that captivated me. I knew that she had matured musically.

Madonna's known as the queen of reinvention. She changed her look and sound from Like a Virgin to True Blue to Like a Prayer. But when I heard the song "Express Yourself" and saw the video, I was a fan for life. The video was influenced by Fritz Lang's Metropolis and that just seemed so smart and sophisticated to me. I listened to the whole album beginning to end. Each song had something interesting to say. It wasn't a dance album per se, but it had a message. And at the same time it was pop music in its highest form. I think it's still my favorite Madonna record. I love Ray of Light because again she was reinventing her sound and she was trying to make electronica personal, which was so ahead of its time. That was probably the last time she was artistic in a forward thinking way, but who said she needed to be innovative and revolutionary forever? She's just innovative and revolutionary by sticking around.

I like the idea of reinvention. I reinvent my look every couple of years. I haven't had much time or energy to put into my look lately, so I have been getting my hair cut the same way for about a year or so. I had a man bun for a year. Then I started cutting my hair off gradually. I don't like to focus on other things when I'm working. So I just let my look be what it's going to be. I purge my wardrobe every so often because I just want to shed my skin. I want to bring new energy into my being.

I finished a pilot I had been working on for awhile. I had gotten bored of it several times. There were times where I was considering whether or not I should finish it at all. I had written something that I feel changed the way I wrote. And I was curious to see how that influenced my future work. And this pilot had been hanging around before then. Well, in a way. I started writing this pilot at the same time I had started writing the play. But when I finished the play and after we workshopped it, I felt like a changed person - a changed writer. The desire to throw the baby out with the bathwater was to completely surrender to this reinvention. But I couldn't let the script go. I knew there was something interesting in what I was trying to say in this script. And I knew that somehow, it would relate to where I am as a writer now.

I started working on the script awhile ago. Then I had to put it down because I started working. Then I was asked by my manager to rewrite a different script. Then I was teaching. Then I got hired to work on the show again. So I picked it up and put it back down several times. And by the time I was ready to work on it again, I felt differently about the story, myself and my abilities. So I would write an outline and finish it. Then the outline would sit around for a bit while I worked on other things. Then I would look at the outline and hate what I was reading, so I re-broke the story and rewrote the outline again. Then I had to put it down again - and I would start all over. As frustrated as I was with this process, I think the advantage I had was that all of this "new writer" juju was getting in there. I was perfecting. And I was getting new ideas into the script. I was making it deeper and deeper. I had become a better writer and that evidence was showing up in the script.

Finally, I had some time on my hands. I wanted to get the script done. But then I had to write another spec script for two fellowships. So I got that done. And then I realized I needed to go back to the script. So over the month of June, I worked on this script. I rewrote the outline. And then I rewrote the script. In the middle of things, I workshopped a new play as a director. All of this new energy and authority was making its way into the script. Then I took time over the past two weeks and really worked on the script. I took my time in making the outline tight. Then I rewrote it. Then I started working on the script and rewrote it three times in a few days. I was on a roll. I got notes from Cory and I kept working. I finally turned it in to my manager, along with the spec script, yesterday.

I now appear differently as a writer than I did two years ago. Even five years ago. Complete difference. I have two full length plays and three pilots that my guy can send out. I also have a spec script. That should be plenty.

I'm taking a year off from submitting my plays. I'm not writing a new play this year. I have something I'd like to work on. But I've been writing new plays for the past three years in a row. I need to focus on my TV scripts.

I'm choosing a lane and I'm sticking to it. I'm reinventing myself with this new material. I'm doing everything I can do to put myself in a position for staffing. I'm going to work on this script and another pilot script during the rest of the summer. And while I'm teaching, I'm going to rewrite. I'm putting all of my energy toward getting staffed. I'm going to keep churning out TV scripts until that happens again. I know I've got strong samples. But I need to keep reinventing myself and doing more work.

I'm still attending the WGA events. I'm learning as much as I can from everyone. I've got my Gay Latino writers group I'm a part of. I'm putting myself in a position to get my shit out there. I'm sending stuff to executives and following up with them. I'm doing everything I possibly can to make sure I'm in a good position to get hired. And I reinvent myself with every script I write and every new person I meet.

My intention is reinvention.
My intention is forward motion.
My intention is keeping busy.

I am grateful for my committees, my groups and my friends.
I am grateful for all of the good things.
I am grateful for my Netflix queue.

Absorbing

Finished a rewrite of a pilot script yesterday. I printed it out and put it into a binder that I brought with me to the Korean Spa to mark up tonight.  Something about the feel of a script in my hand makes it all feel way more real. My goal is to get the script to my manager on Monday, along with another script I wrote. I gave the script to my two most trusted writer confidantes. I'm trying to get some feedback so I can hand something in that's tight and good.

Then I'm going to spend all next week binge watching some shows that I need to catch up on and that reflect what I'm writing next. Those shows include:

• Glow
• Looking
• Dear White People
• Maron
• Louie
• Master of None
• Insecure
• Fleabag
• Catastrophe
• Transparent
• Atlanta
• Better Things
• Queer as Folk (U.K.)
• Easy
• Lady Dynamite
• 
  

That's a lot to get done in the next week. But that's all I'm doing next week. I'm watching TV! I love that's my job. I want to take some mental and physical notes and do some brainstorming on this next thing I'm writing. I'm trying to influence my voice a bit. I know how much of a sponge I am when I'm writing. I want to absorb the most helpful things. These are also shows I'm just excited about watching. I have a lot to catch up on. I'm not fueling the tank with shows. I don't watch as much as I need to be watching. I watch a lot of documentaries and food shows. And while those are great entertainment for me and they are enjoyable, I need to watch some things for work. Again, I love that this is my work. 

I notice that a lot of my colleagues watch a lot more TV than I'm watching these days. I need to get my shit together. Yes, I know people watch TV instead of write and I could get all full of myself and say that I've been writing so I haven't had time to watch TV. But that's also bullshit. I need to keep up. And to give myself that as an assignment is fun.

I'm going to work on getting this new sample together. And then I'm going to watch a bunch of dramas. Here's what's on that list so far:

• Stranger Things
• Westworld
• Big Little Lies
• 13 Reasons Why
• Gypsy
• American Crime Season Three
• People Vs. OJ
• Jane the Virgin
• Riverdale
• Sense 8
• The OA
• Jessica Jones
• Green Leaf
• London Spy
• Black Mirror

Fortunately, there are a lot of first season or one season shows on both lists, so I can bang out a lot of them. The great thing is that I will be traveling a little in July, so I can also get that stuff watched while I'm traveling. I want to absorb as much as I can.

I'm trying to get this half hour spec done and then hopefully one more hour spec. I'm supposed to be looking at some old stuff too to see if there's anything I can fix. With that amount of material, I'll have three hour pilots, one half hour pilot, and two full length plays to send out. I also have two short plays to send out as well. That's plenty of stuff. 

Then I go back and teach at the end of August. I'll either have a very busy Fall or a very very busy Fall. It would be nice to take this trip to Louisville, but also to make a trip East this Fall. It has been too long since I've been in NYC. If I line up some gigs, then I'm going to try and make a trip East in the Fall in addition to Louisville. If I can cancel class one week, then I can go to NYC for a week. That would be great. I want to see some shows and friends. Then I've got Christmas in Portland per the usual.

I'm also going to Portland for two weeks in August to write. And that will be good concentrated time. That will help ensure that I can get as much done as possible. I'm going to try and write as much as I can during those two weeks. I haven't done a real writing retreat this year yet. I did two last year and they were so productive. I might have a little time in SF when I'm up there. But I'll be mostly hanging out with pals and unwinding. Totally necessary. I need to take time for that too.

My intention is to work.

My intention is to relax.

My intention is to enjoy.

My intention is fun.

I am grateful for getting this script done.

I am grateful for friends who read my work.

I am grateful for my new community of Gay Latino writers.

I am grateful for my regular communities of playwrights in LA.

Finding the Target

I remember being in graduate school at NYU with a lot of bravado thinking I was going to take over the world. I was in my 20s and taking over the world meant exactly what Madonna said on American Bandstand in 1984. She was also in her 20s and then she took over the world. For me success meant that I was going to be rich, famous, respected, universally loved, admired, married, perpetually thin, more hung and therefore happy.

There's a song in the original version of Stephen Sondheim's musical Merrily We Roll Along called "Rich and Happy." 

Skies are beaming,

Future bright and prospects gleaming,

Best of all, I don't stop dreaming

Just because I'm rich

And famous

And therefore

Happy, too!

That's the idea I had about success. All of those things would make me happy.

And on the covers of magazines

And in the columns and on the screens

And giving interviews,

Being photographed,

Making all the important scenes,

And at the parties cutting capers

And on the talk shows and in the papers

And unbelievably

Happy, too!

It's like this desperate need to have these things that will validate all the choices and make you happy. I lived that life for five years as a part of a couple. And I was miserable. I was lonely. I wasn't doing my own thing. It wasn't time wasted because I experienced real heartbreak that made me evolve as a person and start to define what I wanted. 

I knew I didn't want to just be the Weezy Jefferson of the operation. 

And then I got in another relationship and realized that the things about me that everyone appreciates, this person felt threatened by. It made him feel like his life experience was invalidated. Then we broke up and my life changed. I suddenly had all the things I wanted in my life. I didn't have all the money I wanted. But I had the first wave of outward success. And I do feel fulfilled. I do feel confident in talking about myself as a writer. It has brought about great things. 

But I still confront my computer every day and I still have to overcome my internal saboteur. I still read my Steven Pressfield books about "turning pro" and "overcoming Resistance." The fight is not over because I have success that is clear and noticeable to everyone. I still have a brother who says, "Well, this year was good. But what about next year?" I still look at my year and only see the things I haven't done instead of the great strides I have made. I still downplay.

So I know that being "rich and famous" doesn't mean I will therefore be "happy, too!" I know that being recognized as successful doesn't mean that all of my problems go away. So, as I said to my friend Carrie yesterday, I'll choose to have more money than less because I know it doesn't validate me. And I'd rather be as anxiety ridden as I always am with the ability to get out of town for a week without freaking out about money.

And right now, I'm at a crossroads. I have many things I've always wanted. I'm teaching at San Diego State for the fourth semester in a row. And I got that opportunity just by making myself available as a substitute. I have two years on our show under my belt. I'm running a theatre company where I have a production coming up and possibly another production as a director coming up. I run the Writers Group. I have a really full life with things that excite me as well as support me financially.

So what's next?

My friend Elizabeth said to me on Saturday, "You need to take it to the next level." There's a moment of time right now where diverse writers are the rage and I need to capitalize on that moment. It's a very pragmatic point of view. She also said to me once that if I want a career writing in network TV, I can do that based on my demeanor and personality. I've got the constitution for it, she believes. And she should know, she has been working in network TV for over thirteen years.

In other words, it's time to pick a lane. I need to decide on a target and head there. I need to have a clear vision. To quote Sondheim again -

A vision's just a vision

if it's only in your head.

It's with that target in mind that I'm working on a revamp of a pilot I've been working on for a minute that I haven't sent out. I've been working on this pilot for a while. I usually don't like to be working on things this long because I also know that if I sold a pilot, I wouldn't have this long. But it's a writing sample and it has to do the right things. It has to suggest story. It's a document that has to suggest that there's more story to be told based on the seeds planted in this pilot. It can be beautifully told, it can have a great plot, but if it doesn't do that thing it's not doing its job as a technical document that shows skill.

If I hadn't spent two years, but especially this last year, on the show I wouldn't have known how to do that.  If I hadn't written a play that caught Elizabeth's attention to the point where she feels like she wants to help me out, I wouldn't have gotten some real practical nuts and bolts advice on how to take my career to the next place. I now have the support of some gay Latino writer brethren. I've got all of the ingredients laid out. The mise en place is ready. Now what am I going to make?

But if my goal is to make the leap to a cable or broadcast show and to utilize this moment, I have to work fast. And fortunately, I only have the summer to get this work done. I've got real time constraints here. I have the opportunity to use my ability to work fast and efficiently paired with my ability to write interesting characters and situations. This is a real Challenge - to use these three months of "free time" to get my samples done for the year. Then I have the rest of the year to revise and then try to get more work.

The target is to get on a broadcast or cable show.

My intention is to focus.

My intention is to zero in on the target.

My intention is not to miss.

I am grateful for all of the experiences that have lead up to this focusing on my target.

I am grateful for the opportunities that have got me here.

I am grateful for what I know now.

I am grateful for the time it took for me to get here.

I am grateful that I have the confidence to say what I want.

I am grateful that I can see the bigger picture and not the immediate thing in front of me.